Dan_Shues
04-17-2004, 12:12 PM
Fresh from our "Sue till ya drip" file: A fine Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay a woman $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her tailbone. The beverage was on the floor because she had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. (Does this mean if I spill some pop on the floor and I slip on it, I can sue myself?)
And yet another hard to believe lawsuit. A woman successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city, when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This happened while she was trying to sneak throught the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. (This lawsuit would have been even funnier had she slipped and fell in the damn toilet!)
A man was warned by his doctor that cigarettes were killing him, so he took up nicotine gum in an attempt to quit - but unfortunately he choked to death on the gum. (I’m sorry but…*LOL*)
In a surgical procedure at a hospital, doctors removed a small cell phone from the rectum of a man who claimed he'd slipped and fallen on it in the shower after the dog apparantly had carried it in. Three times during the extraction, according to doctors, the telephone rang. "By the time we finished, we expected to find an answering machine in there," said one of the doctors. (This would explain some of the people who drive very poorly…we say they have their head up their behinds. That’s why, they’re spekaing on the cell phone!)
In Germany, and older couple out for a Sunday drive in a new car that used a navigator computerized system to guide drivers around via electronic maps, ended up driving straight into a river when the luxury car's computer forgot to mention that they had to wait for the ferry. (I love computers, but I always want to verify things with this little known thing God gave us…they are called….EYES!)
In Lithuania, police were looking for thieves who, in the middle of the night, disassembled 120 metal parking garages, packed them up, stole them, and then also took the cars parked inside of them. Sounds like a heck of a lot of work. (The heck was this…gone in 60 Seconds, foreign version?)
A man who broke into a glue factory in Brazil, picked up several cans of glue, stopped to sniff them, and then passed out. He was found in the morning, inadvertently glued to the factory floor. (“I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.”)
This man and his wife decided to paint the interior fo their house. She wanted the walls cream colored, he wanted them blue. They argued for some time until he became just plain angry. So he got a kitchen knife and suggested that his wife use it on him. Which she did. So, now the walls are cream colored, and he's dead. (I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often.)
At a convenience store in New Jersey, a robber who tried to carry off a cash register but wrenched his back, filed a $5 Million lawsuit alleging the store didn't have a posted sign to warn customers of the weight of its cash registers. (I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again…our gene pool is polluted too much. Time to start eliminating these folks.)
For 23 years (yes, years) a man has operated a business selling "official" titles to land on the moon, Mars and Venus for about $20 an acre. Although other people are in the same business, this guy told a newspaper that he had earned $6.6 Million during that period (an average of $270,000 a year). He says his idea was based on something he actually learned in school: that the International Outer Space Treaty of 1967 prohibited nations from owning celestial bodies but was silent about individual ownership. He said he wrote to the United Nations to explain his plan and asked if they had a problem with it. But no one wrote back. (Implied concent, evidently. I’m going to right to all the Ageless women asking if they want to have sex with me. If they don’t right back, I’m going to assume their’s a whole lot of women who want to ravage me and have my babies. *LOL*)
This guy was trying to explain to a judge why he had child pornography on his computer - he had inadvertently downloaded the images while searching the internet for asparagus recipes. (yeah... right...)
Another example of a somewhat bizzare art form. Two hunters on a remote mountain in northern Sweden came across and installation of 70 pairs of shoes filled with butter. An artist was attributed as the probable creator in that he had put on a similar "exhibition" in the Tibetan Mountains. (That fat doesn’t go straight to your thighs, goes right to your plump lil pinky toe.)
When police were called to the hospital after a man was admitted whose head had been split open by a brick, they expected foul play. But it turns out that he was just trying to see how high he could throw a brick, and since it was the middle of the night, he lost track of the brick's flight and couldn't get out of the way when it came down on his head. It seems he'd had a few beverages. (This is probably the same area that has the highest reported incidents of UFO sightings.)
The chief of a remote Fiji mountain village agree to apologize for his ancestors who killed and ate British missionary Thomas Baker in 1867 after Baker innocently pulled a comb out of the then-chief's hair. (Better late than never)
At an amusement park, a woman filed a lawsuit seeking $500,000 in damages. She said she had lost her memory on a roller coaster known as the "Mind Eraser." (Was she blond?)
Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." (I LIKE THIS! *LOL*)
And yet another hard to believe lawsuit. A woman successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city, when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This happened while she was trying to sneak throught the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. (This lawsuit would have been even funnier had she slipped and fell in the damn toilet!)
A man was warned by his doctor that cigarettes were killing him, so he took up nicotine gum in an attempt to quit - but unfortunately he choked to death on the gum. (I’m sorry but…*LOL*)
In a surgical procedure at a hospital, doctors removed a small cell phone from the rectum of a man who claimed he'd slipped and fallen on it in the shower after the dog apparantly had carried it in. Three times during the extraction, according to doctors, the telephone rang. "By the time we finished, we expected to find an answering machine in there," said one of the doctors. (This would explain some of the people who drive very poorly…we say they have their head up their behinds. That’s why, they’re spekaing on the cell phone!)
In Germany, and older couple out for a Sunday drive in a new car that used a navigator computerized system to guide drivers around via electronic maps, ended up driving straight into a river when the luxury car's computer forgot to mention that they had to wait for the ferry. (I love computers, but I always want to verify things with this little known thing God gave us…they are called….EYES!)
In Lithuania, police were looking for thieves who, in the middle of the night, disassembled 120 metal parking garages, packed them up, stole them, and then also took the cars parked inside of them. Sounds like a heck of a lot of work. (The heck was this…gone in 60 Seconds, foreign version?)
A man who broke into a glue factory in Brazil, picked up several cans of glue, stopped to sniff them, and then passed out. He was found in the morning, inadvertently glued to the factory floor. (“I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.”)
This man and his wife decided to paint the interior fo their house. She wanted the walls cream colored, he wanted them blue. They argued for some time until he became just plain angry. So he got a kitchen knife and suggested that his wife use it on him. Which she did. So, now the walls are cream colored, and he's dead. (I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often.)
At a convenience store in New Jersey, a robber who tried to carry off a cash register but wrenched his back, filed a $5 Million lawsuit alleging the store didn't have a posted sign to warn customers of the weight of its cash registers. (I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again…our gene pool is polluted too much. Time to start eliminating these folks.)
For 23 years (yes, years) a man has operated a business selling "official" titles to land on the moon, Mars and Venus for about $20 an acre. Although other people are in the same business, this guy told a newspaper that he had earned $6.6 Million during that period (an average of $270,000 a year). He says his idea was based on something he actually learned in school: that the International Outer Space Treaty of 1967 prohibited nations from owning celestial bodies but was silent about individual ownership. He said he wrote to the United Nations to explain his plan and asked if they had a problem with it. But no one wrote back. (Implied concent, evidently. I’m going to right to all the Ageless women asking if they want to have sex with me. If they don’t right back, I’m going to assume their’s a whole lot of women who want to ravage me and have my babies. *LOL*)
This guy was trying to explain to a judge why he had child pornography on his computer - he had inadvertently downloaded the images while searching the internet for asparagus recipes. (yeah... right...)
Another example of a somewhat bizzare art form. Two hunters on a remote mountain in northern Sweden came across and installation of 70 pairs of shoes filled with butter. An artist was attributed as the probable creator in that he had put on a similar "exhibition" in the Tibetan Mountains. (That fat doesn’t go straight to your thighs, goes right to your plump lil pinky toe.)
When police were called to the hospital after a man was admitted whose head had been split open by a brick, they expected foul play. But it turns out that he was just trying to see how high he could throw a brick, and since it was the middle of the night, he lost track of the brick's flight and couldn't get out of the way when it came down on his head. It seems he'd had a few beverages. (This is probably the same area that has the highest reported incidents of UFO sightings.)
The chief of a remote Fiji mountain village agree to apologize for his ancestors who killed and ate British missionary Thomas Baker in 1867 after Baker innocently pulled a comb out of the then-chief's hair. (Better late than never)
At an amusement park, a woman filed a lawsuit seeking $500,000 in damages. She said she had lost her memory on a roller coaster known as the "Mind Eraser." (Was she blond?)
Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." (I LIKE THIS! *LOL*)