ex mother in law's funeral

My first husband's mother died and my daughter is coming here from Boston tomorrow to attend and she told me in no uncertain terms that her father (my ex of course) welcomes me to the funeral.

I have not seen or talked to these people for 15 years. But before the divorce I knew them for 20 years or so. I am going to attend but I am freaked out by it all. I mean talk about turning back the "way back" machine.

I am looking forward to seeing two people specifically. My ex sister in law that I was always VERY close to. She is married to my ex's identical twin brother. And my neice who used to spend every Summer with me since both her parents worked and I didn't (stay at home mom) and wrote to me that she thinks of me as her second mother. She is now married and pregnant.

In addition I will meet my ex's girlfriend who my kids say is a very "unusual" woman. She is the most gregarious outgoing person on the planet and the most needy and dependant woman. 180 degress different from me... being a loner and independant... should be interesting.

I think this will be interesting and sad... I mean these people were part of my life for 20 years but I purposefully extricated myself from them because I had so many very very very bad experiences with my ex... their brother, uncle, son, etc. That I didn't think I could remain friends with them without divulging what I knew... To this date I have never even told my kids what my experience with their father was and for years they blamed me for the divorce... but in time they saw..... so I was right in not saying anything.

But to see his brothers.. and neices and nephews... and my ex mother in laws sisters .. who I was also close to... it is going to freak me out.

Do they have a drug... that will allow me to remain cool but coherent?

Originally posted by sally
Huh?!

What do you mean...I'm not planning to be there!:D

Swan, you'll probably be so busy catching up with the people you've missed, you want have time to feel freaked.

YOU FREAKING CRACK ME UP Sally.... Ok maybe the 2nd most needy gregarious woman on the planet...

btw I feel like I am going to a highschool reunion where I was voted most "unpopular" LOL

I hear you Swan - I have no idea what I would do if I was asked to attend a funeral for one of my ex inlaws. They were both nuts, their children even more nuts and the outlying relatives just freaking loony toony. I don't think I'd be comfortable. lol At least you have a few people who might be happy to see you. I'd probably be shot on sight!!! :D

I dont know whether I would attend either Molly or exactly what I would do either.

All I can say is my brother's ex wife sent flowers to my mom's funeral in June....and we hadn't heard from her in 25 years. Regardless of what she and my brother went through, I was little when they were married, and they divorced when I was older and I remember her as being like a sister to me and my sister 4 years older than me, and we missed her and had a different relationship with her than the older sisters and family members did, and her sending flowers meant a lot to us.

My ex sent nothing to my mom's funeral and didn't even tell me he was sorry to hear of her death. I would not do that to his parents, I would send flowers.

Speaking of the parents, My nutty ex's family is coming down for my daughters high school graduation. I havent seen my ex-mother-in-law and have not talked to her either. in 10 years, and she wrote me asking for her and her husband to stay with me and visit for a couple of days!!! I don't have any bad feelings toward them, but they were pushy people and I politely got out of that situation. I thought it best they stay in the hotel with their son. SOME PEOPLE!

Anyway, dont know why Im saying all this. lol Hope it goes well Swan!

I think your situations sound worse than mine. I really don't get the impression that they hold it all against me and most of them were decent, if not "strange" people. Strange to me being gregarious outgoing Italians... and a few kinky brothers in law.

My niece is jumping up and down with excitement to see me... so if nothing else, that is good.

It may take almost 15 years sometimes but truly, mostly, time heals all wounds. I know my ex is not the man he was when I was married to him. And from his choice of girlfriends now, I'm sure he was just as disappointed in me as I was in him.

No one ever... is to blame (song lyrics)

Swan, I didn't attend my ex-mother in law's funeral (first marriage), but only because she lived 7 hours away, and I couldn't get off work.
If I had gone, it would have been just to the church, not to the meal afterwards, and out of there. I did send a bouquet, and a card.
My ex (who was a nasty, nasty man) and I barely speak. But his wife and his family and I can still talk up a storm. My DIL is truly amazed that I can talk to someone who was sleeping with my husband while pretending to be my friend, but he'd done so much to me by that point, that I really do feel she did me a favor by taking him off my hands. He'd always promised to kill me if I ever tried to leave him and take my kids, and if he hadn't been more worried about not getting to sleep with her than my leaving, he very well may have. That's the reason they live 7 hours away, so I could sleep nights. And at a certain point, it just became easier to communicate with his wife about the kids, than with him.
His mom, however was a very simple, very sweet woman, who cried whenever she saw me, at graduations or whatever. His family also knows what he was, and, in fact, one time I tried to leave him, his sister offered to let me stay with them if I wanted.
If your daughter wants you there, that is great, and for her, and for the rest of the family, it'll probably be wonderful for you to be there.
My sympathies to you, its still sad to have someone who was a major part of your life for so long, die.

Bella... OMG... you wrote my life LOL.

Well it was good. Really a lot like a class reunion. So many people from my highschool were there since my ex and I went to highschool together. And seeing the ex inlaws was not that bad at all. I was a little shocked when I saw the family photo album there and I was on every page. Dang I was hot... back then LOL

Only one real bad mistake, I didn't recognize the sister in law that I wanted to see the most. WOW did she change. So did others but this one was way different.

My ex's girlfriend is not only beautiful but VERY nice, just like my daughter told me she was. EXTREMELY outgoing. But we hugged and she was very nice to me.

Also saw the crowd my ex and I used to run with, including the woman he had an affair with for 5 years... funny how that doesn't matter to me in the least anymore.

My ex's twin brother was there, he looks more like I remember my ex than my ex does LOL.

Saw my niece, she is so beautiful and so strong and successful... makes me proud to know I raised her all those summers.

Saw all the Aunts in Laws, they still love me... I want to cry....wish I could have stayed in that family but.. well I couldn't.

Memories
Ok this is a branch off the going to the ex mother in laws funeral... but .. my god... this has rocked me to my core.

All the old friends I ... gave up... all the relatives... I could no longer speak to because I knew they would want to know what happened but I could never bring myself to speak badly about their son, nephew, cousin, father, uncle. So I left the family I loved for 20 years with out a word.

Add to that the friends which were all his since he wouldn't allow me to have any. They were there tonight.. so warm and "how are you?" but of course they don't really care since I have never heard from any of them in 20 years.

I lost so much and going to that funeral... made me realize. That I have been alone ever since...

I looked at the photo album with my daughter... all those smiley faces... me looking so beautiful with my wonderful little children. So happy in the pictures... and then life went so sucky... In that album there were no pictures of the sucky years... I looked.. It was life ended when her son and I got divorced. My neice told me she actually put together the first part of the album from pictures when she used to spend the summers with me, but even the last part of the album that my ex mother in law put together featured me.... my heart is breaking.

I haven't cried over my losses for 20 years but I am tonight... not loss of my ex husband, but loss of everything else that could have been.

And here I am tonight.. three divorces. Numerous bad relationships... what the hell am I doing?

It is nice to be "invited" My ex's, dad (just divorced legally Aug. 4th 2003) Died December 10th, My sons and I planned on attending, the ex said "we" were not welcome, so I said ahhh o.k. just let me know what time you will pick your son up here for the funeral.
The day of the funeral the ex called me and said "in an hour meet me at blah blah blah with the son, (over 50 miles away)
I said, "I can't do that on short notice, I made other plans" The ex called me the beyoth word a few times and said "just tell son that his mom is a beoth and wouldn't let him go to his Grandpas funeral" I calmly said, "just let me know if your picking him up" The ex never called back and son didn't go to the funeral.
Some guys just are assholes.

Oh Leda, I just read your last post, you are not alone, I have the same feelings, I lost a family too after 13 years of knowing them, my other 2 sons were cut off too.
It is so sad, Big hugzzzz for you.
I have felt a lose and depressed since the divorce.
I feel sad alot and I feel alone.

SP I remember your posting about that, back then..course I didn't really have anything to say til now.

I guess I am fortunate that after 20 years my ex has come to the place where he knows I was part of his mother's life. I am just so pained that I didn't realize how important I was to her, she was more like a mother to me than my own was in many regards..

But to cut off his own children... well that is different alltogether.

you divorce a man,.... but you lose a lot... as in your case and others.. you lose a family.

I don't have a family...if you know... all my relatives are dead. But this was one big Italian family that loved me for a time, and still welcome me.. and it breaks my heart.

dang you're hot Suzie... I see this site as my Italian family... sometimes dysfunctional but loving...

AND LARGE....

Call me Leda Distefanis... my Italian name.