Instant Messaging Styles

I'd sure like to know from some of you about your instant messaging styles, particularly if you are in an LDR.

Outside of doing an activity together, which I know many people do, are there times where you just chat and fully concentrate on that? Or are you both multi-tasking? How do you communicate daily? He doesn't have cell phone coverage so we need to resort to IM to supplement landline phone calls.

Phil and I have done great over IM over the past 1.5 years but lately we have hit a roadblock. I've been pouring my heart out because alot is going on and I know he's doing something else and making me wait for him to respond. I normally don't require his full attention and multi-tasking is allowed but this is important stuff and I tell him so. Then he gets upset and admits that He's being insensitive and says he's sorry profusely but then the cat is out of the bag so to speak!

I HATE IM, lol. I can't wait till he's here in person in 28 days or so! Maybe we're just getting very, very weary of the LDR thing. We usually "talk" about an hour to 1.5 hours a night. I'm just wondering if we are typical with this multi-tasking deal or not?

We multi task some of the time and devote full time attention others. I have things in the evening I have to do like cooking dinner or helping a child with homework or grabbing a load of clothes out of the dryer. Alex has college homework, papers to write, research to do. Sometimes we are chatting to other friends at the same time. I just like knowing that he is there and we are "connected" and at anytime I can say "hey, whatcha doing?" or I type "brb...dryer is buzzing" To me it would be like if we were living together and I was in the kitchen cooking and he was in the other room working on a paper. We are not giving our total attention to the other but we know if we needed the other one to...they would. When we are on the phone or yahoo voice we tend to be focused one on one. So almost every night we have some quality time where we stop whatever else we are doing and just devote that time to each other. Sometimes we play games together or draw on doodle ....sometimes we listen to music together or eat our meals together. (even with the time difference ...he might be eating his lunch and I am eating my dinner)

Having said all that....the LDR aspect gets old. You have to come to some acceptance of it and you have to make some concerted efforts to keep it fresh. Btw, we will often leave web cam on all the time just to be able to look up and see each other.

Get a mic and voice over the net... its free and easy.

Well, my situation with Remi may be unique since he does not have daily access to a computer. He has to use an icafe and lately we're lucky if we talk once or twice a week.

There have been times when we were talking that there was a delay in the conversation. My suspicious mind's first reaction was, "aha!! he's talking to someone else!"

But, you know, I realized that that kind of worrying wasn't getting me anywhere. In all fairness, I understand that his access to the internet occurs at the time when he's online to talk to me. So, I understand if he wants to read through his emails at that time, too.

However, if he had his own computer again, like he did when we first met, I would fully expect that during the time that we have set to talk that his attention would be focused on our conversation. He could then always surf the net or read emails any other time. To me, our time together, and how we use it, is critical in order for us to maintain this LDR. That's just how I feel.

Another thing I try to consider is that a possible reason for a delay in his response is simply due to a slow connection. I have experienced that on my own end, so I know that Remi likely does, too.

Bottom line for me is that I try really hard to not worry or think about delays in our conversation since I have no way of knowing what the reason is. Trying to think of all the possibilities would just drive me crazy. I would just end up creating problems were they likely did not exist and that's pointless. :p

Originally posted by Tru
Btw, we will often leave web cam on all the time just to be able to look up and see each other.

Yes, we too would leave it on to watch each other sleeping. I have a laptop and would fall asleep with the mic open on Yahoo voice because Alex just wanted to hear me breathing. (I breathe heavy when I sleep I guess!) He would leave his light on and leave his web cam on all night as he is six hour ahead of me so he would be going to sleep when it was only 6pm my time. We use Yahoo "BUZZ" option to wake each other up too. He also would put Yahoo voice over his speakers instead of his headset and I could just push talk and say "Alex! Wake up!" Of course, we have the phone too but Yahoo voice is free. :)

Oh...trust me...our phone bills (no matter how low I find rates ...3 cents a minute is the cheapest so far to a mobile) show the fact we spend far more time on the phone than yahoo voice! OUCH!

I use 10-10-987 and it is the only one I have found that I can use to call mobiles in the UK that is that cheap. In the UK they place an extra charge on calls to mobile phones. So, for example, my ATT long distance plan may give me great rates to the UK (to land lines) but they have to tack on extra to compensate for calls to mobiles due to the fee imposed by the UK. It has nothing to do with Alex's mobile company. He pays nothing for incoming calls at all. It must be some kind of tarriff that the British government imposes.

Oh, and I forgot to say there is a 39 cents per call connect fee. So hopefully you will talk a few minutes! Or a one minute call is 41 cents!

Just a little venting here friends!

Last night was another less than satisfactory IM session with Phil. I had hardly talked to him for two days and after maybe 10 minutes on IM he "goes missing" now and then and you KNOW he's reading or posting on message boards, etc.

There is just something about waiting for two days to talk to the man you love, get 10 minutes of his time, full attention, then have him go off and make you wait after that.

I know he means nothing by it, but we have been around and around on this topic. Most of the time I hardly care if he multitasks but sometimes I just want his full attention for a little while, you know? I'm a fast typer, too.

He's going to be here in a week. Maybe it's just best for me to stop this IM stuff for now even if we don't talk for awhile. I think I've really had enough of it.

I don't blame you at all bubbleee. There have been some rare times when this happened between Remi and me. Fortunately, we were able to come to an agreement that our time online together is specifically for that reason -- to be together. He can web surf some other time, but our time to IM each other should be used specifically for that reason. Having said that, I do understand if someone IM's he's talking to me. But, if it becomes a problem, I ask him to go under invisible mode so others won't interrupt us.

To me, it's kind of like when you are trying to have a conversation in person and the person you are talking to is ignoring you. It's frustrating, isn't it?

Originally posted by whiterose
I don't blame you at all bubbleee. There have been some rare times when this happened between Remi and me. Fortunately, we were able to come to an agreement that our time online together is specifically for that reason -- to be together. He can web surf some other time, but our time to IM each other should be used specifically for that reason. Having said that, I do understand if someone IM's he's talking to me. But, if it becomes a problem, I ask him to go under invisible mode so others won't interrupt us.
To me, it's kind of like when you are trying to have a conversation in person and the person you are talking to is ignoring you. It's frustrating, isn't it? Yes, it is annoying-
like trying to tell someone something important
while they read the paper, play video games
or zone out on the tube.
"Uh huh", "Yes, Dear", or "Oh, that's nice"-
which they don't hear you whatsoever.
(I get anough of that from my kids..)

When "we" IM-
my full attention is on him.
I am not surfing, I am not at Ageless, I am only
chatting with him.
If he wants to surf or do something else,
(that is fine with me),
but I'd rather wait and chat at a later time
when he can give me his full attention.

I am a busy person and so is he-
our days are very full of "other stuff",
so I don't want to waste a moment with distractions
while he and I chat.

I am finding I am getting rather "attached" to our
evening chats that we share right before retiring for the night.
It doesn't bother me to not have communication the rest of the day, but there is something quite nice, (and intimate),
about being the last people we communicate with before
going to sleep at night.
It doesn't have to be a long chat either-
just something to let the other know they are being
thought of, or ask about their day or just give them a
sweet "Nighty Night".
LOL

As far as phone calls go-
I can't afford that all the time and I would never
want him to incur big bills from a bunch if idle chat either-
so for now, IM is working fine.
I will admit, I do treasure the phone calls much
and the "thrill" of hearing our voices interact.
Plus communicating on the phone is better at getting
the "feeling" of one's thoughts across to the other.
IM and email lose that...


Very interesting thread to read!

and Kelley-
I burst out loud laughing when I read your post
in regard to having to talk so loud over the computer.
I could just imagine your "sweet nothings" echoing through
your house late at night...
I dunno...just struck me as very funny.



<FONT SIZE=3 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

Guess I am a bit different then, because a lot of the time, when Nordic and I are online together, we are also doing other stuff ... Number 1 ofc is playing games together, which means we are sharing an experience but are focused on the game, with some chatting ofc ;)
Number 2 is the chatting on IM but normally we are both listening to some radio along with it and more often then not browsing the net, commenting on things we read ...

However, IF there is something we want to "seriously" discuss, we state clearly that we need/want the other one's attention fully, and this has never been a problem.

Also,when on webcam, we tend to be more focused on our chat, as we keep an "eye" on each other there ... but we don't run webcam all the time, often because of the lighting quality or because it interferes with bandwith (a short commodity mostly for me as he got broadband ...) and the games ...

I don't particualarly mind him browsing the net while chatting casually ... I would be pissed off tho, if I was asking for his attention and he would THEN zone out and do other stuff... But so far this has not been an issue, as he's always immediately there for me, if requested ... Anyway, he's far better in multitasking and remaining focused through it than I am, so who knows, maybe I wouldn't even notice the difference ...

so, I don't know, I guess it comes down to communication patterns, preference and agreement on communication style... if it bugs you, then by all means address it and try to find an acceptable solution, it seems a fair enough request ;)

Everybody here makes an enormous amount of sense!

All I can say is that I am SO GLAD that we are not conducting our relationship via that dang Instant Messenger any more!

Being together FINALLY is just grand. :)

Every relationship has its own life..and life needs...
Im the first to admit IM NEEDY AND SO GREEDY when it comes to being with my guy,,,fortunately HE IS TOO..
we met in AUG 2001 and havent missed a day talking since..5400 miles apart...
but THE WEBCAM IS THE BEST TOOL IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT PROGRAM!!
How about leaving and recieving vid messages so easily that every day when i get home from work..i see a moving talking LOVE NOTE from him!! the program is DWYCO and yea it has its pervy elements..but easy to work around.. both be invisible and its totally private. FOR LIVE CHAT AND LEAVING MESSAGES!! AND BEST OF ALL..ITS FREE..
CAMS COST ABOUT 39 $ NOW ...GREAT INVESTMENT.!
NETMEETING is another free option..picture isnt as good, cant leave messages but can have voice and pic together...toggle off your mic when ur not talking and its really great non screaming quality..
THE best phone deal ive found is at MASTERBELL..to TURKEY its about 17cents a min to land phone and 29 to mobile..
its got a permanent pin number and dialing is minimal...and its rechargable via the internet...no connection fees and one min increments are there if you look for them..
cuz we all know how important it is to hear the I LOVE YOUs whispered in our ears !!

Wow, I had no idea web cams were so affordable. BUt I don't know that I would want to have to look "good" all the time for my long distance love interestest! lol. I kind of like the option of looking scruffy when I want. :)

It has been a while for me, but Jeff and I used Mirc. He was at work and could put me on there. We didn't have web cams. He would get on some times when he was at home also, but he didn't have very good access at home. We would be on for hours and he would tell me when he had to do something to leave, but i would wait until he came back.
I left my computer up and not necessarily sitting at it because i was in and out of the kitchen etc.
We talked for about 3 hours at a time once a week on the phone.
That was great

HEY GLM......
Scruffy can be a look of its own...
but really...the cam and lighting are in your control and can be very forgiving..ALSO did you realize you can see yourself too the whole time you talk with someone?
Its really fun.

HEY GLM......
Scruffy can be a look of its own...
but really...the cam and lighting are in your control and can be very forgiving..ALSO did you realize you can see yourself too the whole time you talk with someone?
Its really fun.

Geoffrey and I have been in a LDR since we met in March. Thank goodness he is moving here tomorrow! We used Yahoo mostly but got a MSN account too cause for awhile there Yahoo was having problems. Even though we saw each other every other weekend, IM was our lifeline. We probably had it open talking to each other from 6pm-10pm every night. In the beginning we mostly just concentrated on ourselves because we were getting to know each other. As time went on it was more likely that we would multi-task as we talked because spending 4-6 hours on IM each night takes up a lot of time!

We were there for each other when we were talking about important stuff but honestly if you are talking about important issues I know from experience that sometimes it seems like the other person isn't there but they are thinking of their response. It's a lot easier to think about what you say and you re-read the message a couple of times. Not sure if this might be some of the delay but that was my experience.

For people that want to just voice try Paltalk. It's cumbersome in that you have to press the talk button each time but I found it is as clear as a telephone.

LDR are stressful at times but so nice in this day and age that we have these options available to us. Think back to when there wasn't any IM or webcams or email and communication was through only letters and the phone. Technology has allowed us to find love in places that just weren't possible before.

Good Luck to you!