Great article about LDR's

This is a great article about LDR's on the University of Missouri-Rolla website. Some of the comments obviously were intended for the students on the campus, but overall it's good information.

Long Distance Relationships (http://campus.umr.edu/counsel/selfhelp/vpl/distancerelationships.html)

Hello whiterose, great article indeed.

In regards to it...

"willingness to take risks"

It sounds good, but it just seems to be so hard to do when you are already feeling sad, lonely or/and hurt. I think LDRs are not intended for people who feel insecure, not attractive, betrayed, etc. (of course, there are always exceptions, maybe a LDR could help them feeling confident, loved, etc, but then again, I think it would be an exception).


"...a healthy level of dependence upon each other"

I guess people can reassure and comfort each other for sometime, but what about those "eternal" LDRs based on endless dreams?
How long will this dependency last? I really think that this "out of sight, out of mind" thing is a bul***it invented by those who can't commit, but people involved in a LDR have been out of sight since forever, they won't have a marvelous trip together to remember or one of those romantic nights under the boardwalk, down by the sea...ooppss. lol

I know it may sound bitter, but I really think that if two people are not willing to meet pretty soon, things may not be that easy. They must have the means for it to happen or else you'll be playing a fool, spending your time in front of a monitor, dreaming of that wonderful love while you get older and older. (Gosh, I think it was not just bitter, it was evil...lol)


Anyway, these are only my opinions, I don't have much experience with LDRs, and although I am not, without any doubt, looking for someone in bars, dances, etc, I still get pretty scared just to read/write these 3 letters... This may sound contradicting and I think it is. Thanks God we have this forum now...lol

Paulo

Paulo, I can understand how you would feel if you've had an LDR that did not work out. I had one, too, prior to Remi, that did not work out. It's not for the faint of heart.

Originally posted by Charming_Paul
In regards to it...

"willingness to take risks"

It sounds good, but it just seems to be so hard to do when you are already feeling sad, lonely or/and hurt. I think LDRs are not intended for people who feel insecure, not attractive, betrayed, etc. (of course, there are always exceptions, maybe a LDR could help them feeling confident, loved, etc, but then again, I think it would be an exception).

Yes, it is hard to take risks when you've been hurt before. In my case, I was so afraid to take a risk that I made poor Remi wait for 6 months while I sorted out how I felt and while I became involved with someone else for a while. Someone like me who is very insecure because of past hurts may not be able to withstand the stresses of a LDR unless they have a very patient and reassuring partner. Fortunately for me, that's what I have. But, I worry about whether he will get tired of the seemingly endless waiting period.


"...a healthy level of dependence upon each other"

I guess people can reassure and comfort each other for sometime, but what about those "eternal" LDRs based on endless dreams?
How long will this dependency last? I really think that this "out of sight, out of mind" thing is a bul***it invented by those who can't commit, but people involved in a LDR have been out of sight since forever, they won't have a marvelous trip together to remember or one of those romantic nights under the boardwalk, down by the sea...ooppss. lol

I know it may sound bitter, but I really think that if two people are not willing to meet pretty soon, things may not be that easy. They must have the means for it to happen or else you'll be playing a fool, spending your time in front of a monitor, dreaming of that wonderful love while you get older and older. (Gosh, I think it was not just bitter, it was evil...lol)

"Eternal" to me seems to mean never-ending. I'm guessing you're talking about those that go on for years and years. There are some here who have been in that situation. If Remi and I did not have a plan to move him here, I don't know how long I could continue in this LDR. I am a very touchy, feely person and I need him near me. But, some are able to see their partners regularly, which I am sure must help a bit.

And, I agree that you should meet fairly soon into the relationship. How soon is up for debate. I made Remi wait 6 months before I'd even consider giving this a try. Then, we had to wait for about 5 months before we could meet in person. Fortunately for us, we both felt that we were exactly the people we know from talking online or on the phone.

Anyway, these are only my opinions, I don't have much experience with LDRs, and although I am not, without any doubt, looking for someone in bars, dances, etc, I still get pretty scared just to read/write these 3 letters... This may sound contradicting and I think it is. Thanks God we have this forum now...lol

Paulo

I think that with each passing day, the incidences of people connecting with each other from afar is just going to keep growing and growing. I think that meeting in bars will become something that will happen less and less. No one I ever talk to likes meeting people that way. The internet offers us a chance to get to know the part of the person that matters most (their innermost person.. soul, character, etc.) before we meet their physical person. It is a great way to get to know someone. However, with a few exceptions (like Nessa and Bri or PinkPanther and SomenightSW who lived fairly close to each other), most will have long-distance to deal with.

So, I am also glad, Paulo, that Rob and Jo were willing to listen to the suggestion of this new forum. This will be our place to discuss our fears, concerns, suggestions, coping mechanisms, etc.

Some LDRs will work. Some will not. But, somehow, we'll help each other get through it all. :)

Thanks Trish! The truth is though, I couldn't have done it without Remi. He is, truly, the most patient, kind, calm man I have ever known. When he first told me about his interest in me, he let me go so that I could explore someone closer. And, in fact, that "letting me go" made him even more appealing to me. I just hope he'll be able to remain as patient in the upcoming months as we s-l-o-w-l-y work on getting him here.

My point is that it takes two people working on it together to be able to "survive" a long distance relationship. I think I just got lucky with him. :D

Originally posted by Trish
If two people really have strong feelings for each other, they should be willing to take the risk and see what might happen. No one wants to be rejected, but if one never takes a chance, they might miss something and someone wonderful. Relationships require risk no matter how two people meet. And distance should not be something that keeps people from taking a chance.



I so love what you have written here. It strikes a chord in me, and if you don't mind, I'm saving it.

I loved it too Gen. It really reminded me of one of the last conversations that Remi and I had with each otherjust before the meeting in Bucharest. At the last minute, I was having such a case of cold feet that I almost called off the whole thing. But, we talked and we both agreed that if we didn't follow this through, we might be missing something wonderful. I'm so glad we both followed our hearts. But, I'm also glad that I used my head and took my time last year to think about him.

EDIT: Oh one more thing I forgot to mention. About a year ago when Remi first told me he was falling in love with me, I tried to argue with him that the distance was just too great. He said to me, "distance is relative... it's something that can be put aside." He was right. Geography is not insurmountable. It's definitely something we can overcome.

Now, back to that visa application... :D