Is It normal?

Hi Everyone....

I actually don't seek advice that often here.. and right now I am feeling a bit distressed.......

As most of you know I'm about 31 weeks pregnant... 7 months and 3 weeks .......

Well I am having some serious emotional issues concerning my parents and my sister... My twin sister.
My sister I know is just jealous and to be honest thinks she is gods gift and everything she says and does is the Only way to do things in life.....

I am having a baby this is supposed to be the HAPPIEST days of my life.... and I find myself crying , upset, and distraught everyday when it comes to all of them...

This is the first grandchild in my family.. so this is a big deal to my parents..... They feel that they are the ones that are going to be doing everything with him.. and I get all the bad..... THey want to take him to disney alone.. they want to take him here and there... when I want to be able to do all the "firsts" with my baby. I want to take him to disney and all the here and theres... I said My parents can come and we can go as a family but They said If i do then I am the one that has to pay for everything.. but If I let them take him first they will take him.... of course I start getting upset and emotional I cry and get angry.... and stressed out WHICH IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.... then they call me back and say Ohhh we were kidding we are just trying to bust your chops.... Well i don't find this funny AT ALL...expecially after I asked them to cut it out.... I feel as though I'm not going to be a good enough mother to my baby which I already love.....and My mother and father keep saying how they get it all... they get all the good and all i get is the bad of it.... I don't get that.... they said they can spoil him rotten and give him what he wants and then I get him and I want to instill responsibility in my child and He needs to learn you don't get things for free..... what happens when My son says he wants something and I say no and he just says well nana lets me have everything... It will crush me and make me feel there is a competition.......I understand that having a baby is not easy and it's not a piece of cake and takes alot of work.... but There has to be great times also.. there needs to be rewards after all the work you do or people wouldnt' have children right?

My sister just needs to tell me that my decisions are stupid... for instance.. I know the Diaper Genie has pros and cons I said Id on't want it... she says well I spoke to so and so who has one and says it's stupid not to have one etc.... then she says how she would do this and she would do that.... and why am i doing this and that.. makes me feel like i'm an idiot.... and it's hurtful....

Is this normal??? or am I way to emotional? I just want to be a good mother... and I want to love my son like he deserves but I'm having such a hard time finding the confidence lately in being a mother.....Maybe I just can't do it..... How do I get over these feelings?

:(

Mer, what you are feeling and experiencing is completely normal. As an OB/GYN nurse I have seen this happen so many times.

Families and friends mean well, but they overload the poor expectant mother. And, of course everyone thinks their way is THE way. But, it's not fair to you.

But, Mer, I hope you'll let me give you some advice about the parental interference. You need to set the tone immediately with them so it's clear that YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are the parents and not them. Trust me on this. If you don't do it NOW, you will regret it for a long time.

I have an employee right now who is going through this. Her parents have practically taken over the raising of her son. She has little say so. And, he is learning how to use his grandma and grandpa's love to get what he wants. But, she allowed it to happen. I hope you won't do the same.

About the emotions, that's very normal. I was so on edge during my whole pregnancy. I cried ALL THE TIME. Everything upset me. It was like it was magnified.

But, you'll get through it. You've only got a few weeks to go. So, hang in there. It will get better.

Good luck with your family. :)

EDIT: I meant to add that you are going to be a wonderful mother. Babies don't come with instructional manuals, so mama's are self-taught. But, you are going to do JUST FINE.

Mera ~
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way during your wonderful pregnancy. After reading about the issues you are dealing with I can definitally say I would be ticked off and sad also........and I'm not prego. So, don't blame anything on your hormones......you are just more aware of your feelings and how other people's comments effect them. Believe me, I have people in my family who act exactly like your sister.....and its hard to constantly deal with it and 'let it slide'....maybe she should be put in her place?? Just confront her and tell her that you are your OWN individual who makes her OWN decisions (with your hubby, of course!)and doesn't want to hear all the negative crap.....tell her you don't need it.
As far as your parents go.....o.k. maybe they are trying to joke around with you, I'm sure they realize that it isn't reallly helping you out....they will probably stop acting that way. If they don't, if they keep 'pulling your leg' maybe just tell them that you are feeling very emotional about things and would appreciate a little sensitivity and love in place of the jokes and humor. Maybe that will work??
I'm so sorry again Mer.....I only tell you what I would do in your situation, that doesnt' necessarily mean its correct. But, I'll pray for you. :-)
This is the most amazing time for you right now, you will be a wonderful mother!!! Your child will see that you are instilling values and morals in him and he will LOVE you for that as he gets older.....kids are kids....'C's 10 year old is a brat to me sometimes and says stuff that COULD really hurt me, but I don't let it. I know that when he is older he will realize what the heck I was teaching him.
Enjoy these last few weeks Mer!!! Love Ya!

Whiterose and Bella...

Thank you both so much......

Whiterose.. I've told her all that (my parents) that This is my child and I need to raise him... and I do respect and invite her advice and help when I ask.. and please let me experience this for myself... then I get the babysittting threat..... Well she'll say to me well if your going to cut me out like that then I won't watch the baby.....I will love the baby but I won't allow you to use the baby as a pawn.. but that's NOT what I'm doing....she always knows whats best.. and I'm starting to feel that I'm going to do everything wrong... I'm to emotional she says.. that because of that I am going to have very bad post partum depression.. how does she get that????? My parents said they are worried becaues I am going to go thru it bad... how do you know that???? before you have the baby???? I don't know......

I guess i'm more upset because they know how I feel about this and they continue to just throw jabs at me knowing how it hurts me....just for fun..... saying they are kidding and how I take things to personal and blahblah.... well I'm sorry I take things personally .. I am just not good at seeing the lighter side of this...

Bella My sister is jealous jealous jealous.... Your advice is great btw.. and your support is always genuine..... so don't think you don't know what your talkin about because you do ;) and I love ya for that !!!

Whiterose.... Thanks though because I know you've had children.... you said exactly what I needed to hear....

I am having such issues of feeling not good enough for this...and just scared out of my wits....

Thank You Both!!!
Meredith

Originally posted by MerAlove23
I am having such issues of feeling not good enough for this...and just scared out of my wits....

That's normal, too, Meredith. I completely freaked out just before my son was born. I just knew that I would be the world's worst mother. I was so afraid that I would not know what to do. Trust me... what you are going through happens to so many of us. But, you are going to do just fine. You will get to know your baby's wants and needs and you'll eventually know exactly what to do, how to do it, and when.

Have you taken any childbirth classes? If not, I encourage you to do so. Look for ones that will not only coach you on how to get through the labor and delivery, but will also prepare you for what to expect after he is born. I used to teach Prepared Childbirth classes. I can't tell you how much it really does help.

About your family, well, quite frankly in my opinion, they don't seem to be respecting your needs very much right now. But, don't worry about that threat about not baby-sitting. I bet once they see him, they'll come begging to babysit. :p

Hi Mera~
I am so sorry you are so troubled-
but yes, it is a normal passage of emotions being pregnant.
My daughter just had her first baby almost 7 months ago,
(October 29th), and she had extreme emotional highs
and lows through it all.
My daughter and I are very good friends along with
being Mother and Daughter and she confides everything
to me, (even when I don't want her to - LOL)
She had the exact same feelings as you do in regard to
Trinity's other set of grandparents, (her fiance's parents).
They sound just like you described your family.
It was quite upsetting to her in the way they took control
of her baby before it was even born!!
(Especially her future mother-in-law!)

I will tell you what I told my daughter.
This baby is your baby and your husband's baby.
You and your husband have the final say so over how he
is raised and if certain family members cannot abide
by that, then that is their loss.
You politely tell them "Thanks, but no thanks - we are
going to take our baby to Disneyland for the first time"-
and then you smile and do exactly what you tell them
you are going to do.
They had their chance to be in control when they
raised their children, now it's your turn.

The best way to set the rules straight is to start now.
They might think all they are saying is innocent fun -
but only you[b] can open their eyes to how much this
is upsetting you.
You might go as far as to tell them that if they don't stop-
you will have no choice but to not see them or
communicate with them as it is too upsetting to you.
And then cut them off for a bit-
they will get the message.

I still kid Sarah, (my daughter), a little bit at how nice
is it to be able to hand over a poopie baby over to it's
Mother and not be the one changing the doodie diaper-
but Sarah knows I am just relishing my role of Grandma.
(God knows I change that baby's poopie diapers as
much as Sarah does! - LOL)
And I [b]don't mind.

I think a lot of what you are experiencing is a normal
sense of fear in having your first baby.
Everything is a huge concern and you want to make sure
that you do it all correct every step of the way,
(which is to be expected), and here is your family
taking all kinds of, (what they think is funny), shots
at you.
When baby comes, the emotions will shift, (again), and
you will find that your family offers the support and care
that you need the most, (after your husband).
You will cherish this support, (as your husband will too),
and I am sure you will find your way as a family.

Please don't worry about trips to Disneyland and all of that
right now. When baby arrives and gets passed around-
all of this will evaporate.
But it is good that you express yourself to them honestly
in all that is causing you upset.
They may not realize just how deeply this really is
bothering you, so be stern and tell them.
Write it down to them if you have to.

In regard to your sister-
I am sorry that she is so jealous.
Maybe some distance is needed here?

Take things one day at a time and remember that
what you are feeling is normal eventhough it feels like
an emotional roller coaster ride.
Your family will ease up when they are made to understand
just how deeply this is effecting you.
Sounds like they love you very much-
they don't mean to upset you I don't think.

Get your rest and know that you are going to be
a wonderful mother!!


Sage~

Thanks Again Whiterose and Sage!!!!

Whiterose....I just started my parenting classes thursday... I love it so far even if its the first class....It was so informative and relaxing to know I'm not the only one going thru the aches and pains and the emotional rollarcoaster... but I am over emotionaly anyway So i'm sure it's definatly magnified....

My family... I try to tell them... I tried to ask them not to do that to me anymore I'm hurt by it and even if thye make it a joke.... It was a sore subject before adn I don't apprieciate being made fun of and no need to rehash a already sore subject... My mom just sat there and said "Meredith I don't know what your talkin about... I'm tired I'm going to bed" and that was that
They will deny they did anything when I confront them and that hurts like hell.....

My sister is just controlled by her nitwit husband and thinks that they walk on holy ground.... she has no idea what it takes to be a mother... she has no instincts and funny thing she said last night is "Meredith, ya know I knwo what it's like to take care of a child and change diapers" because she used to baby sit once and awhile and I told her this is sooooo different from just babysitting....

My husband is so supportive... he's so there for me... telling me we will do whawt we want its our baby .. and if she threatens with the babysitting we will figure something out and if you need to stay home you will and i'll get a second job.... so He was a total comfort to me last night... I love him so much!
Thanks guys!! You are all so wonderful!!!
Love
Mer

the emotional highs and lows are normal, what your family is acting on is fear, it may not look like it but they are staking their claim. here's the deal, you are a grown woman, the child will need his very survival from you, you are in charge, if you WANT them to be in your child's life, the decision is up to you.

do yourself a favor, dont get lead into discussions that will leave you upset, family knows exactly how to push our buttons, which in itself is an act of control. stop being controlled.

no one can distrupt your happiness unless you give them permission.. dont.

love them and realize they are going through their own roller coaster, becoming a grandparent is a huge transition, many parents think they can do better than their own children, it is normal some parents dont like letting go, after all they are the experts in their own minds... as i said it is better not to get into discussions that you already know the outcome.

stop the worry and enjoy the moment and feel the little life that your body is carrying. its about you and your little one now, very soon you are going to be holding a precious angel that you brought into the world, you have much to look forward too, take care and God bless.

You have a dandy husband there Mera!
That in itself is such a blessing for you.

I am sorry your family doesn't want to fess up to the
fact that they have hurt you.
My own Mother can be that way too at times.
My Mother would say:
"Oh honey, now your just being silly!"
I learned to put things into perspective for myself
and not rely on their admissions.

I was a single parent for many years.
My parents lived 2 states away from me when I
was raising my babies and I had little to no support
or interaction with them at that time.
If you are faced with having to decide to turn to others
to help you out with baby-sitting and so on,
because of problems within your family-
you can do it!
(I am living proof of that!)

Sure you might have to adjust your life in a way
that you had hoped would be different-
but the important thing is that now you, your husband
and your baby are a family unit.
That family unit will grow and become stronger and stronger.
You blaze those trails and you set the rules-
it's as simple as that.

What is happening to you now is not about the
dynamics of your parents and their family unit-
it is about yours.
This is what I tell my daughter all the time.
They get pulled in all kinds of directions with her fiance's
parents expecting them to show up for family
functions and things like that.
Things that suit them and not my daughter and her fiance.
They have had to put their foot down and say, No.
At first my daughter was worried about saying no,
(that there might be a scene or that her future in-laws
and her fiance would give her a tough time over it)-
that did not happen and now Sarah says "no" to them
when she needs to without stressing over it.

And you are right, until your sister cares for an infant 24/7-
she will not fully understand all it takes to be a "Mom".
You know that and your husband know that-
I'd just try and shrug off your sister's "know-it-all"
attitude and concentrate on other things.
If your sister has a baby herself one day, I am sure it
will be you that she is calling in tears and exhausted
asking for advice!

You've got what it takes to be a fine Mom Mera-
try not to worry about the little things.


Sage~

Thanks Kitty and Sage~!!!!!!!!

Mera: your doubts about not being good enough or prepared enough are exactly what my cousin was having before she gave birth 3 weeks ago....on your B-Day!!! She was totally having second thoughts about whether she and her husband were ready for a child.....and a whole bunch of other stuff as well. But, as soon as she gave birth, she told me it all went out the window. She told me that those feelings are gone completely. Its just the pre-pregnancy jitters I guess. :-)


The great thing is you got an awsome, loving husband whose right there by your side!! You ARE going to be an incredible Mother! I can't wait!!! I know I will cry when you post the baby pictures!!! I'm so emotional. :-)
I know that when I am pregnant with 'C's and my child, I will definitally be nervous with those same feelings that you have, I just know it........maybe because I already have those feelings. When I went through my short-couple weeks of being pregnant.....I was telling myself that I could do it and it was exactly the age I wanted to bear children; although in my mind I was terrified........now God decided to take the baby from this earth, I have accepted and am at peace with that now.
Back to the subject though.......I think your family should subside a little bit. Its just unnecessary to get you unhappy like this, its unhealthy. They should be able to understand that. I am praying for you hon!!! Just focus on all the positive and shut out the negative the best you can. K?! You are gonna have a BABY!!!!! Your own family!!!! That is the most happy thing in my mind!!! To me, having a family that is all yours is such a dream!!
Love Ya!!

Thanks Bella Your the greatest!!!

I know ... I am just so anxious right now and scared and everything else I know it's normal but its so real . wierd really.....I was with my girlfriend today and her baby is 6 weeks and OMG she was crying and I FREAKED lol I was like OMG i cant' do this blah blah blah LOL but I think it will be different when its my own.....

I will post all my pics when I get them!! I cant' wait to see my little darlin.....

When your prego with C I will be right there with ya!!!! any advice ya need by that time I'll be a pro LOL

Love ya

See Mer!!! You will be a pro.....you will be great! And I WILL need support when its my turn. :-) Thats what its all about....shoe talkin' and support from your girlfriends!!! Even if its through a frickin' computer screen!! LOL
I think that its all different when its YOUR baby......my cousin's baby cries and screams and I freak out!! I'm like what the heck is wrong??!!! But, if it were my baby I would have the motherly instincs to know what to do. :-) So will you!!
Love Ya!

Hi Mer: I too am overemotional, It is a pain really. It seems that people treat you like a blob when you cry a lot. And it does hurt.
But you will be just fine with your baby. Look at all the people who have lived thru being babies. Most of them had mom's just like you! And try to think happy thoughts to keep you and the baby feeling good. Having a stuffy nose and hot eyes and a headache from all the stress is not good for you or him. And do not allow your parents to make plans to take him "first" . If they want to go along when his parents take him , they can go, but they will have to book their own transportation, accomodations, and entrance passes. Their meals will be on them if they want to eat. They can also have the option of not going with you.
If your mom won't babysit, big deal. Most young people have friends they trade baby sitting help with. You don't have to have your parents. Tell them you are perfectly happy to "share" the joy of your child, but only in the form of YOU are the parent. You have to give your blessing on anytime they spend with your child. As to your sister. Tell her she has your permission to have her own pregnancy and do everything exactly her way!. That is what you are doing.
Sure it will surprise hell out of them. But they will get over it. They WILL understand to LET YOU ALONE. Mostly you will be saying....treat me as the adult that I am. and I will be willing to treat you the same way.

Mer,

YOU are not the problem -- your parents and family are. They are deliberately hurtful and controlling and when you protest they say they don't know what you are talking about. That is not normal...not normal at all.

Some people are just unable to understand how what they say and do affects someone else. My husand's parents are like that. Its caused a lot of pain and misery for him and he had to go to therapy to learn how to stand up to them. Now that he is making the rules for how they interact with him, things are a lot smoother.

I would strongly advise you to seek counseling to learn how to deal with them. Their unintentional abuse and control has lessened your self-esteem and their need to control you and now your baby is going to cause problems for you and your new baby...and sooner or later for you and your husband.

There are only two people who control how your baby is raised and that is you and your husband. I don't think that the baby's birth is going to change anything, although it would be lovely to think it would. If anything the power struggle will probably worsen.

Talk to your minister, seek counseling from your local mental health center, ask for a referral from your gynolocogist (he's heard this story before, believe me) but don't just think you are being over-sensitive. You aren't, you are being normal with a normal response to being controlled.

Peace,
Jane

Mer, sweetie, gosh what a hard time...
from MY expeirence.....
YOU ARE MARRIED!! YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE IN CONTROL!!
DO NOT give your parents control, speak your mind, your child is yours, not theres.
I had the first grandchild in my family, my Mother got very possessive, I thought it was ok for her to babysit once in awhile, I was so wrong, she tried to take control of my sons life and mine.
Probably what I will say will piss many off but....... break all ties off, until YOU are able to control it. I broke ties with my mom for over 5 years because of this same thing, now we get along perfectly, she knows she can not control my life or my childrens.
My mom controlled my wedding, my bridal shower, the birth of my baby, my baby shower, basically it all sucked because it was all hers and not mine. My Mother got mad at me and my husband once and refused to give back our child!! We had to get the Sheriff, My Mother figured SHE was the better parent. It still bedazzels me, we had a good home, & good jobs.
Thats my story Mer,
Hugzzzz
~Tammy

Thanks Tammy.....

I know the mean well ... but it hurts just the same..... I am trying my hardest.. and of course they started the other day again.. such a long story..... but they think my emotions are limited to sentimental things like my dreams and the cute things and stuff... but they dont' understand that my emotions are playing ahuge part of my sensitivity right now... and that hurts....

MER
Youre about to join the REAL oldest profession in the world..
MOTHERHOOD
CONGRATS AND WELCOME!!
Im gonna keep this brief..
You cant know what it feels like to hold your baby and no one can explain it. There is a power in it beyond words.Your strength will come naturally and it will be much easier to hold your own.with parents, jealous sisters or anyone
. Untill then. all the advice here is great..HANG IN THERE!

I am sorry you are going through a hard time MerAlove, but I just have a few things to say. And please don't think because it is short and to the point that I don't feel your pain ... been there, done that ...

Some of the feelings you are feeling are due to your raging hormones ... normal goings on. And then regarding the family in all it's glory, well don't worry!!! When you have this baby, YOU and your husband will be in charge. It will all work like clockwork and you will wonder why you worried about your mom and dad having firsts with your baby. It will all be you ... you will MAKE it happen ... You will be the one, after the initial excitment dies down to BE THERE EVERY DAY, day in and day out ... You will see, there is truly nothing to worry about. The three of you will become a wonderful family unit that cannot be penetrated by any outside force, lol.

Hang in there ... and hugs ...

princessdy

Poor thing! It sounds like your family is quite meddlesome. I think Sage gave good advice--distance yourself from them for a while. Don't take any calls from them or call them. You can have that wonderful husband take the calls and explain to them that you are getting some extra rest and peace and quiet and practicing your birthing exercises and that he will be happy to pass on any messages. If they happen to catch you on the phone at work, say that you can't talk right now and that you will get back to them when you have time (which in reality will be when you have had the baby). Whenever you start to feel upset or emotional, do your deep breathing. That should calm you down.

Thanks DARKESTYET, BearsAngel, princessdy, and Patricia....

I apprieciate it... I know my hormones are so out of whack right now.. I'm scared about the post pardom.. but I'll get thru it.. I have a very supporting husband!!!!

It's getting a lot better with them... They are stepping back and just realizing they have the best job and that's to Love him.....so so far I'm happy... but My family has always been Meddlesome.. I have to just kind of suck it up...and hope for the best... My husband just says when they start say thanks but no thanks get up and go home LOL... so I think I'll listen to him

You guys are so wonderful....

My baby is due ANY DAY now so I will find out Friday what i'm going to do....we may induce labor if I dont' have him by friday.. even though my baby isn't due until July 24th.. I got a very big baby LOL His ultrasound at 37 weeks was 9 lbs OUCH... LOL.. but she said they can be off as 2 lbs so we'll seeeeeee

Well for goodness sake, if its off by 2 pounds, let us hope he is a 7 pound baby and not an 11 pound baby! Holy cow!

Mera, you and I are friends, and you know I have done this a few times. The last part of pregnancy is just difficult. I felt lousy, got horrible sleep because of being uncomfortable and the baby moving, was so huge I couldn't do the things I enjoyed doing (even driving the car was difficult), sure didn't feel sexy anymore which affected my hubby, couldn't hardly eat because I had reflux from hell....

I mean, isn't all this enough to cause a little depression and mood swings?? *smiles* Its so normal, honey.....I know some people think because your pregnant and due soon, you should be some rosy-faced, glowing, elated maternal unit....but the truth is....it's uncomfortable and frustrating and your just ready to get that baby outta there ASAP.

Please don't worry about postpartum....A little depression is perfectly normal due to the change in hormones, but a lot of women don't even have that. And if it gets to be a bit much, please just let your doctor know...and they can help.

It's all kind of scary the first time as the due date approaches. All the things you are feeling are perfectly normal...and I KNOW you, and I know you are going to feel 100% better once you have that sweet baby in your arms.

Any day now...we are all going to have an Ageless baby to celebrate, and I am over the top excited.

Much love to you, Mera. ((hugs)) You have my number, and if you need me, you just call it!

Jody your a sweetheart!! Thanks!! It is very hard to walk right now... My hips hurt, my pelvic bones HURT.. my legs my back... LOLMy relfux was so bad last night it burned!! ick.... but I knwo soon.. I will be holding my little angle but no one said this was easy right.... He's so worth everything i'm going thru right now and when I look into his eyes and get to hold him and kiss him.. I know all the aches and pains will be a distant memory!!!!


Thanks Jody and everyone else
xoxoxoxox
Meredith

I'll be thinking of you Meredith. I had an August baby (my daughter) and I know how awful it is to be pregnant in the heat of the summer. Hang in there! This will all be behind you soon and you'll be full of joy and smiles and laughter for many years to come.

Please tell your husband that he needs to post for us as soon as the baby is born! Well, not quite right away.. we'll allow you two some time alone with the baby. ;)