Is this the other shoe dropping...?

Alright admins...I'm sure this has been addressed before,
but it was easier to just start a new thread.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, my guy says
"I don't want to be a downer, but there's something I've
been thinking about..."
Turns out he's all worked up because he feels that it's
inevitable that things will eventually have to end between
us because "his income level and my fertility are never going
to match up". He's worried that I'm not facing up to facts and
that I'm just "wasting my time" with him when I should be,
bluntly put, out looking for husband material. He was up at
his college last weekend and I guess a girl pal of his told him
that if this lasts for more than a year, then it will be unfair to
me. Part of it too is that I've always said that I'm not really
interested in ever getting married and having kids and he
knows he <i>eventually</i> wants those things. Thing is
that I've started rethinking EVERYTHING since he's shown
up in my life.

I certainly don't want to ever feel like I'm rushing him into
a more serious relationship than he's ready for and he's
right, despite the fact that I still get carded, my poor clock
is just ticking away on me. My mom started menopause
at 36! Is that hereditary??

After a very rough night for me where my head was just
REELING, we kind of settled things out. He begged me to
understand that he did NOT want to end things and he
thinks I'm amazing and he hugged me and kissed me
and kept checking with me to see if I was okay.

We've just sort of left it as something we'll reevaluate in
a few months as we get further past the initial infatuation
and bliss stage of the relationship, and I'm glad he told me
what was on his mind...but this is still a hard thing to ponder.


How have others dealt with this stage of life thing?
(after I JUST wrote a post last week about how we were
really at the same stage of life in our own way and how
great it was!) Have any of you had children with your ym?

If having children is the only issue at hand here then I think the two of you are worrying unnecessarily. Even if you two were the same age, there would be no guarantee when you decided to start a family that you would be able to conceive. In that event, I would hope that the guy would not run off and leave a woman that he is in love with and made a commitment to. There are so many alternatives: adoption, invitro, surrogate . . . couples who want to have children in their lives, find a way to do that. (My son-in-law's cousin has now adopted two children from Russia.)

You are only in your early thirties and have plenty of time to raise children. Many women are having and adopting children today into their 50's.

The point is that even for two people in their early twenties, they aren't guaranteed that they will produce offspring. The real issue should be do you want children? Because both parties should want children and be willing to make the sacrifices required to raise children BEFORE they even attempt to have any.

Good Luck. :)

My g/f married 6 years ago, her husband being some 10 years older wanted children right away. He thought by marrying someone younger he would be assured his legacy...ah, but lo and behold, her eggs stopped maturing in her late/20s. It wouldn't have matter who she married. They adopted a little boy 3 years ago.

The problem with waiting is that your fertility levels decline as you get older, and yes as peachy stated you can adopt, in vitro etc...but what she doesn't tell you is that its unbelieveable costly, not to mention time consuming, disappointing at times and depressing (alot of marriages have broken up over it). If you are an older person wanting to adopt, the agencies give you a hard time, if you;re an interracial couple, as my friend and her husband are, some will not let you adopt, and international adoptions, well, if you own a house look for good rates on re-mortgaging. It is not cheap. Surrogatcy, good option, but I would make sure that it were my egg and his sperm, the last thing you need is the carriar to not want to give up what she considers her child because her egg was used.

You have some hard decisions to make, as does your ym. You both should be happy no matter what, with whatever decisions down the line. Its a decision that will affect you long term. Good luck.

Paris

Hiya,

While we do have our share of stage of life problems, kids isn't one of them as we're both for the moment quite OK with moving through life without kids. And since I'm 40, my decision is making itself by default :)

But .... I do want to emphasize that it's really important not to make togetherness conditional on things like income levels or fertility. Stuff happens. People get jobs, people lose jobs. People inherit a lot of money, or they lose a bunch on a disastrous real estate deal. They think they're fertile and they turn out not to be. They think they're infertile and they turn out not to be. No one can guarantee that the circumstances won't change.

But when you give your heart to each other, you're giving just that. Because you want to be together and go through all the circumstances, whatever they may be, side by side.

No one can predict how all those factors are going to turn out. They can only decide who they want to give their heart to and then see what happens.

If he dated a woman his own age, there might be any number if income or fertility problems, too. You can't just trade up when people don't meet the specifications - indefinitely.

The only thing we can be sure of is that something will happen that we don't expect

:D

The reason to be together is just because you make each other happy.

It's the only reason there is.

If he was truly comfortable he wouldn't be being such a "downer" (On a side note Chelle, I always have to laugh when people start conversations with: "I'm not trying to be mean..." or "I don't want to hurt your feelings but..." and then they proceed to rip your heart out). So he is off at college, talking to some gal pals and they are further planting seeds in his mind that this probably isn't going to work out and for YOUR good things might need to end before you get older, too old in fact.

*sigh*... I am glad he talked to you about this though, I have to give major kudos to him for that. He could have let it sit there distancing him from you even further, but instead he faced up to it and let it out. You both were able to discuss and hopefully can continue discussing until there is an agreement made.

I am thinking that when you said,

Part of it too is that I've always said that I'm not really
interested in ever getting married and having kids and he
knows he eventually wants those things. Thing is
that I've started rethinking EVERYTHING since he's shown
up in my life.

that is to mean that you WOULD get married and have children instead of absolutely denying it going forward? If true, does he know this about you? Maybe he is still holding onto the notion that you are NOT interested in these things and REGARDLESS of the age gap (as mentioned by the other posters) you will not be compatible in this regard.

I say that because I have always said I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED, well, and lo and behold, I have changed my tune because I know that I have found the one I will be marrying barring anything unforseen. He didn't know that I was softening my stance and he was scared to death to bring that subject up, because he knew how I "felt", although he didn't really know because I changed my mind and had never clued him in.

If you both want it to work, it can absolutely work. What does your YM have in his head for timeframes? Does he see this relationship as viable and long-term if you were to work out the fertility piece?

I wish you the best and may your upcoming conversations be real and bring you closer together.

If you are in your early 30s, you can still have kids... he would just have a family earlier than he'd probably considered previously. Income schmincome. Do you know how many of our parents started out with nothing??? Seriously, prevailing wisdom says not to wait until you can afford to have kids.... because you will never feel like you can afford it. It'll always be... "Just one more car", "Just wanna buy a cottage first", etc. etc.

The question is... do you want kids? And... is he willing to speed things up a little?

My bf is 20, and I'm 30. I personally don't want to have kids after 35. That's just a little deadline I set for myself. He knows this, and is okay with it. He knows his friends will all still be clubbing, etc. and he'll be a father. He knows this, and is willing to work with it.

You both just have to want the same things, and it'll all be okay.

originally posted by chelle
He was up at his college last weekend and I guess a girl pal of his told him that if this lasts for more than a year, then it will be unfair to me.


Hi Chelle~

Ever being the one to analyze everything to the fullest extent of my ability :D, I have to wonder if "girl pal" may be interested in your ym. Some people are very manipulative and can take the approach of the concerned citizen to look as if they are on the up and up. Just a thought!

It does help to get feedback...gives me more angles
to look at the issue from. (So I can obsess even more
about it!)

I don't think it's something that's going to go away,
so it's probably a conversation that will come up every
few months as long as this relationship lasts. I don't
think he forsees starting a family until his 30s, so for
that to change, we'd have to be committed at the
level where big compromises were in order.

Who knows...I don't think it's an impossibility, but
it is probably pretty unlikely. I'm a natural cynic as
far as relationships are concerned and neither he
nor I has a very good track record.

Meanwhile I'm just happy that he feels he can be so
honest with me about what's on his mind and we'll
concentrate on just enjoying the present and not
worrying so much about the future.

It sounds to me like your b/f was just having a moment of cold feet. It also sounds like he might have been testing you out. Maybe he's worried HE's the one who won't measure up - all men, whether young or old, feel they should be the "breadwinner", the "main income". Regardless of how progressive we grow, we still fall back on former roles from the 1950s. He wants to take care of you, and he's doubting himself. Has nothing to do with you. You're beautiful and wise and right on target.

I know it's unnerving to hear what he said. If you've been honest with him about being more flexible in your decision about marriage (and, possibly, children), then let him mull it over a bit. I wouldn't keep assuring him that things are going to work out, let him know that in order for things to work, he must work past his old-fashioned notions and speak honestly and candidly with you. He could marry a 20 year old who can't have children - he could work in McDonald's for the rest of his life and make minimum wage. These are excuses for him not measuring up to how wonderful you are. And, you are.

Time

Now I know why I keep hanging around this place :D

chelle:
This is the type of thinking that made us ex's. Not only the cold feet about the age difference, but societies demands that the woman be younger (and alledgedly more fertile.) It's hard to be with a man who is younger. The ladies of ageless, those who have had solid relationships are, in my opinion, the exception rather than the rule. I don't know why exactly, but the ym/ow seems to violate some sort of social unwritten rule, and that pressure is enormous on both partners. My ym cares too much about what others think to be comfortable being with me. Is this your ym? Is he the type of person who only cares about what HE thinks about what he does, or is he playing to the crowd? I don't want you to think I don't care about this issue, because I do. I have had to deal with it over the past year and I have had many downs because of it. I was sad to read about what your ym said to you. I would have had a panic attack had my ym said something like that outright. I hope it works out well for you. I don't know if any of this helps, but the basic personality traits your ym has may well predict the outcome of your relationship.
Witchy

Thanks Witchy...I am the kind of person who
appreciates the blunt truth and I am a realist.
It's a pressure that's not going to go away and
I probably feel it more than my bf does. He's just
very aware of how anxious my girl friends are to
get married and start on the family life thing...he
just worries that I might feel a little left out of all
that right now.

As far as him being mature enough to handle the
repercussions of bucking society's rules...I am biased,
but I think he is. He's smart and perceptive and very
openminded in general...I don't see him falling for
rules that aren't based on good reasons.

Besides, in our case the pressure isn't nearly as bad
as it in for a lot of women here...only 10 years and the
gap isn't immediately apparent to people who are just
looking.

I've kind of settled this in my own mind by figuring that
I might as well enjoy the summer and see how things
stand after we're a little more settled in the relationship.
If things are still good a year from now...two years from
now...it should just start to be obvious whether what we
have is worth some life compromises and adjustments.

My gap is 23 years with my ex ym. A huge difference there. I don't know if the ability to tolerate being different is maturity or simply personality. What does everyone else think? I'm interested to know.

I think it's personality myself. Although you could make an argument that the ability to do what;s right for you rather than what everybody else thinks is right is one of the hallmarks of a mature personality.

But I've always fallen for guys who really don't give a crap about what other people think and it seems like they've "always" been that way.

I agree that its a personality thing. Its strange, I know bf really DOES care a lot about what other people think, to the point that hes an ultimate peacekeeper. But he thinks everyone loves me and that all his guy friends think I'm hot (hes mad, I tell you). So it helps if your bf is insane too.

Ya! I think it would help to have an insane bf too. But then, isn't every guy a little whacky anyway? I mean, men and women are so different in some ways, and the things that set them off can be so disparate. I agree though, you could totally argue that the ageing process improves your ability to think and act for yourself. But you know, sometimes a person has to get there, has to age, to see the changes they will make over time.

No one can second guess time!

Ya...my boy is definitely a little weird, and I'm sure
he thinks I am too, especially since he tells me so.
I think our ability to just be pointlessly silly is part
of the reason that we get along so well and it can't
be a bad thing for our relationship that neither one
of us seems to have any sort of deep-seated need
to be conventionally "normal".

Normal people are boring, dontcha think? :D

Yeah, I don't really know what `normal' is anymore, but I think I can speak for my partner too and say we're both very skeptical and maybe even a little frightened of the concept. Anyway, I find it exciting making life up as I go along, according to my own personal tastes and authenicity. Its the ultimate expression of personal freedom and creativity. Striving to be this elusive `normal' thing sounds too much like slavery and caving into manipulation to me.

Chelle, have you ever had one of those kind of pathetic `you're going to run away with a younger girl one day' type of conversations with your bf? I have. I wasn't trying to push him away, what I really needed was to get my insecurity out into the open so I could find strength in his reassurance.

Maybe your bf has shared these thoughts with you because he wanted to find reassurance?