Looks Like It's Over

Caden and I parted company this evening. I have no idea if it will be permanent or not. :( Things were going really well, just not as well as I thought, I guess. I need to go lay down, I feel ill.

Awww, sorry to hear, Molly :(

Don't know what to say, so all I give you is a big cyber hug ..

/big hug
C.

I don't know you but I am so sorry to see you in pain. My thoughts are with you.

Molly Im sad to read that and I know youre hurting. Not sure what to say except to let you know that Im wishing you the best.
((HUGS))

Molly - - - I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. :( I'm thinking of you. You have been so supportive of everyone on this board, please know that we are here for you.

Oh Molly - so sad to hear this. I know you so wanted this to work out. Hugs!

Aww, Molly. I am very sad to hear this. I hope you two can work things out. Just know that we are there for you.


((((( HUGS )))))

Molly,

I am so sorry to hear about this - you have been so supportive of people on this site. I'm new here but send you my support also.

Carole

Awww, Molly....I'm so sorry 'hon....*Big ole Dan Hugs*
I know you must be hurting very badly...you know that if ya need to talk, I'm always there for ya....

*Hugs*

Love,

~Dan

Molly,

So very sorry to hear of your troubles w/ Caden.
I have (as I am sure you have) seen this coming for a while. I thought it evident by the tone your posts had taken -- not your posts to others, as they are always helpful, usually upbeat, and on the mark, but your direct posts about your relationship. On a side note, I wonder what one can do when they realize things are going South? Do they try harder, fight harder, or silently watch as the relationship self implodes? I guess it depends on what is contained deep within the heart...

I am sure you are feeling horrible right now, but Kimmy is right. Do what she says (although I don't know about the Jesus Christ part, :p ) and as you begin talking to Caden -- soul search deeply and I am sure you will end up doing the right thing for yourself.

You deserve so much, and I'd love to see you obtain "it"...

Sleep Well,

-First

Molly, I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))

Would like to echo everyone's sentiments. We are here for you. Sending big cyber hugs your way.

Gen

((((Molly))))

This is wonderful that you have so many people here that care for you and want to give you comfort.

I know it takes awhile to feel better after a breakup, you have to go through a grieving process. Be good to yourself and come here when you need encouragement.

Molly,

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. Sometimes it goes south just when things seem to be going the smoothest. I'm not sure why, but it's sure happened to us often enough. :(

Take care of yourself and hang in there. With these kind of relationships you just never know what tomorrow will bring.

(((HUG)))
Jane

OH NO! I just saw this thread for the first time. I am so sorry:( I am praying for you. I'm really so sorry to hear about this. I'm sending you big hugs. Please let us know how you're doing.
Don't neglect yourself or your health. Take care of yourself right now.

Hello Molly:

I'm so sorry to hear that you've parted ways. There are no words that can take your pain away. The only thing to know is that this terrible pain is temporary. Nothing stays forever, not even pain. You'll be in my prayers. You're a strong, wise lady and will survive this, and heal from this. There are no "accidents" in life - all things are for a reason. I truly hope you feel a bit better. Be very good to yourself now, pamper yourself. And, watch comedies - no tearjerkers. And, remember, it is not you. It's just life. You are beautiful, just as you are.

Time

What everyone else said...

Be good to yourself and find the iron in your soul. We've all got your back, hon.

I agree with Kimmy...you have your health, your smart, attractive, loving, and kindness itself. you were loved for awhile so you know you are worthy of such love.

There's a bigger picture here then being with someone who will not be your support, it will be clear to you someday. Until then, live well, love unconditionally, take care of you. Take your time to grow and learn until you're at peace with yourself.

Paris

Ditto everything everyone said....When your ready to talk...we are all here for you.

Big ((hugs)) Molly...Im really sorry.

Cheer up sunshine

Hope you are doing alright.

You are one of the nicest ladies around here at Ageless Love. I hope that things between you and Caden sort themselves out somehow to your mutual satisfaction and eventual happiness.

I wish you nothing but the best, girl!

I am sorry too Molly...I can really relate to the way your relationship ended..not that i know the details..just the fact that it disapeared when all was going right...that is a bummer ..and I send my condolences to your aching heart....
In my experiences, alot of it was due to the troubled mind of my SO..maybe sometimes people need to regroup themselves and pull away from their attatchments...maybe the bigger picture was too much to master ..it is not a question of age ..maybe a question of maturity in certain areas of peoples lives that have been neglected or never focused on...(make sense?)
I know that after the fact, I grew alot in areas that have been untapped...and boy do we grow , when faced with absolute heartache...in all the anguish I went through, I gained so much signifigant life lessons about who I am and who I want to be for my next ((hopefully)) ..take your time to feel...but remember you are strong and will grow stronger everyday...I know I surprised myself when put to the test..hope you are ok...peace
Yvette

When I saw this thread, I was really hoping that you were pulling a Nessa, and it wouldn't mean what it said......

I'm so sorry this has happened! :( Just know that you are in my thoughts, and take care of yourself.

I'm getting pretty worried about Molly. Has anyone talked to her today on IM?

Dear Molly,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent breakup. If any of us here could make your pain go away, I'm absolutely sure we would do it without hesitation. Although we can't "fix" things for you, we can extend to your our love and friendship, and be here for you. Be kind to yourself... give it some time.

::hugs::

~Elle

I know this is tough and there isn't a lot that
anyone can say right now to ease your sorrow-
but please take care of yourself and remember that
you have many here that love and care about you.

You are NOT alone
And you are in my prayers.



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">Could it be that I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide?
Could it be that sometimes I say things just to disagree?
Could it be that I'm only being me?
Not easy living in my mind
a little peace is hard to find
my every thought is undermined
by all the history inside</FONT>
<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Staind</FONT>

Same from me..take care of yourself.

I am so so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong baby...

I am so sorry Molly .... (((((HUGS))))))

I was not around for a little while and it greatly saddened me to read this.

I don't know you very well but from reading your posts I know you are a wonderful lady with a huge heart and a kind soul.

Although I never met my guy I had my LDR with, I am still plunking along day to day after ending it 2 weeks ago. It does get better and the sun shines a little brighter every morning. As hard as it may seem to conceive now .. the gift of time is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I wish you the best ... if you need to talk my PM's are open.

Sending warm glows and much got your back support, Lesley

Nope, haven't heard a word. She sometimes writes me at home and I've been checking, but...nothing.

I hope she's okay. I know she was deeply involved, not only in the relationship, but in his healing process.

Molly, if you're out there, check in soon.

(((HUG)))
Jane

Hi everybody. Thanks for all the love and support - it was a very long weekend.

I'm here, I'm alive, and, I'm sure what will be to some people's chagrin, Caden and I are still together - but not without a lot of work over the past few days.

On Friday, Caden was laid off from his job, he'd only been working there about three months. The firm merged and the two lower tiers of paralegals got kicked to the curb. This led to him being very stressed and angry with himself because it put a major crimp in our plans for the future.

On Saturday, I was having my own problems, which I won't get into here, but, suffice it to say, I wasn't in the best of moods. Combined with Caden's stress, it was an argument waiting to happen and it did. Some very unkind things were said on both our parts and, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't careful. I was tired, stressed and I honestly didn't have the strength to deal with the whole PSTD thing. So, ***** that I can be, I laid into him. It doesn't matter what I said, some of it was inapproprate, some of it wasn't. In return, Caden blew me out of the water. Neither one of us stuck to the treatment plan, sad to say.

He informed me that he could no longer trust me because of a comment I made BEFORE the argument. I told him that if that's what he so desired, so be it. It ended up with us hanging up on each other. I knew that this was not a good thing. But I also knew that I needed to talk to the therapist before I made any major decisions. It just felt really, really horrible.

Caden called yesterday morning and we had a long discussion about what had happened. I made it very clear to him that he cannot and will not use me for a verbal punching bag when he's stressed. If he wants to be with me he's going to act like it - all the time. I told him that while I was sorry for some of the things I'd said, some of it I stood by. Life is too short to be nit picky and self righteous. He didn't disagree - he didn't agree either, but he knows where I stand. I also told him that we had to work on our communication skills if we were going to make this work. If he wanted to walk away from me, fine, that was his choice, but I defied hiim to find another woman who'd put up with the shit I have in an effort to help him get better. I dared him to find another woman willing to study his disorder and be there when he needed me, any time of the day or night. I told him that too many times he'd hurt my feelings because he couldn't control his words and I wasn't going to stand for that. I told him that we had to build a boundary - I will not indulge in what he might consider verbally abusive language if he does the same. To do so will come at a price of some sort. He agreed with this.

This morning we met with the therapist via conference call. He said that I'd handled it approriately and he told Caden that he was disappointed in his actions - just because he's stressed does not give him the right to say hurtful things to people, whether he's stressed or not. He asked him if he wanted to be without me. He said no, not at all. The doctor then informed him that if he wanted to keep me, he had to realize that pain goes both ways. He does not hold the monopoly on being hurt by life or the people in it. A more clinical way to say "stop being such an insensitive bastard", if nothing else.

The therapist then told Caden that his behavior was inappropriate on a lot of levels and that he can either let the condition control him or he can control the condition, what's it going to be? Caden agreed that he let his condition control him at that point, to which the doc pointed out that he'd been doing so well, making great strides, he needed to control his stressors better if he wanted to keep a great lady like myself. Caden pointed out that I'd still be a big ***** on Saturday night (a fact I don't deny) and the doctor told him that I'd earned that right. I'm there whenever he needs me, he needs to allow me time to decompress because we are very far apart right now and I cannot always be the strong one. He needs to be strong without overpowering, was he up to the challenge?

I won't go into all of it and bore you all, but, like Jane said, there's that whole heading south a couple of time things before it all comes together. Dealing with PSTD is never easy and for us it's complicated by the distance, the presence of my ex until custody is determined, my issues, his issues, the Doctor pointed out that we can either make this work or give in to the pressures of the disorder. While I need to be more sensitive than necessary to Caden's needs, he was told, point blank, he needs to quit being an *** and allow me room to breath because I'm helping him help himself.

It was enlightening and helpful at the same time, helping me learn more ways to help the man I love and helping the man I love see what he can do to get past his past and look forward to a future. That doesn't mean there won't be tense moments, nor does that mean there won't be times when I'm going to be frustrated or hurt by his behavior, but the doctor made helped put everything into perspective in that if two people want to be together, most obstacles can be crossed, it just takes longer or more work in some cases. This would be one of those cases.

We both apologized with no promises of never doing it again because there are no guarantees - what we COULD promise is that when the stressors become too great, we can both find better ways of dealing with those stressors because if we truly love each other, we'll make the effort.

So, it's not over, we didn't break up, instead, we learned some valuable lessons about communication and exactly what we feel for each other. They're baby steps for Caden but important steps nonetheless. I'm happy it turned out this way, especially since Caden recently made it past the intimacy barrier and told me he loved me on his own a few weeks ago. I'm glad we were able to work it out.

Thanks again for all your support - I'm glad I've got you guys! You're the best friends a girl could ever have! {{{hugs}}}

Whew! There you are! We've been pretty worried about you.

I admire you Molly for what you are trying to deal with with the PTSD. I lived it, only in my case, my husband wasn't so willing to work on it like Caden is. So, good job both of you for working hard on your relationship and on yourselves! :)

It's great to hear from you. Thank you for the details about what took place, what the therapist had to say, etc. etc. I've learned so much from you guys already. :) Best of luck to you and Caden.

I just read this thread tonight, and I was glad when I read your post towards the end.

I'm glad that you and your man are still together, and I hope that there is smoother sailing for you both in the times ahead.

I will keep you both in my prayers, Molly.

Danelectro

Good morning Molly. I'm glad to hear that you and Caden are back together. I thought you would be. You know it happened to Dave and I so often that , after the first time, I stopped posting on it. When you love someone and they love you its natural that you find your way back to each other after a blowup.

When one of you has an illness such as PTSD you have to learn to work around it. At least you and Caden are lucky enough to know from jump street what you are dealing with. Dave and I just found out about his PTSD a year ago. I think that if I had posted all of our ups and down people here would think I'm really crazy to still be with him, but as you can see we are very happy because we worked it all out. Not that I'm saying, don't post, I'm saying that what you are going through is probably typical and that it will work out. Kinda like passing a kidney stone...slow and painful at times, but when its gone, it's gone.

It takes time to work out what is acceptable and what is not. Dave was never abusive, but he would not filter what he said, so I was treated to his pondering what he would name his children when he married that younger woman. When called on it he was apologetic and had realized that it wasn't what he wanted, but he had to verbalize it to understand that. Unfortunately he verbalized it to the wrong person. He did this often until I put a stop to it. Now he can't imagine doing that, but it was part of his inexperience and depression and PTSD and we had to work through it.

I've come to think of it as a dance where both partners step on toes until they learn the steps. It's ok to get mad when you get squashed once too often and it's ok to apologize when you do it in return. It's all part of learning how YOUR relationship is going to work.

I'm glad you checked in and I'm even gladder that you and Caden are back togehter with a greater understanding of each other. Ain't love grand??? :D

Hugs,
Jane

Molly:

I am so proud of you. Even during an incredibly painful time, you kept your head and were a true class act. It's good to know that the therapist did put Caden in place as far as using you as his whipping post. No one, whatever their relationship is with us, has that right. No even ourselves to ourselves. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that what is best for you, the both of you, is what is given to you.

Love, Time

I'm so glad you two worked it out. Well done and keep up the good work. (Looks like you have a gem in that therapist, too!)

;)

I'm happy it turned out this way, especially since Caden recently made it past the intimacy barrier and told me he loved me on his own a few weeks ago.

Glad to see you are back among us here at AL, Molly!

When I read what you said I thought to myself, WOW....

I've followed your ups and downs with Caden and to think you've done all this without him "telling you he loved you on his own". You're a far stronger woman than I am, gunga din!

I have been through a fair amout of trauma with Phil, not PSTD, but emotional and verbal abuse, depression, etc. Phil's always been profusely loving and giving and never stops telling me how much he loves me and appreciates what I've done for him. With us having this large gap and being LDR (ONLY FOR TWO MORE WEEKS!!!!) I don't think I could have sustained as I did without hearing how much he is in love with me on a daily basis. His words and emotions just have carried me through, you know?

I honestly don't know how you do it! My hat is off to you. :)

That's *such* good news, Molly:)

Molly - - -

So glad all worked out the way you wanted. Good luck and hopefully smooth sailing. :)

Molly...

I'm glad that things are working out, again, between you and Caden. As long as YOU are happy, as long as YOU are feeling good...as long as YOU are in a place that you want to be in...that's all that matters...

You are a very strong woman and deserve the utmost respect and deserve to be loved.

*Hugs*

~Dan

I read your first and second posts about Caden and I admit I have some doubts about your situation. I know you love him, but wow are you putting a burden on your attorney if your ex decides to get nasty in custody. Women are held to an incredibly high standard when it comes to their children and custody. I think the whole Caden/PTSD scenario will be AWFUL to get through in court. I had a pal lose custody of her son when they (her son's pater and genitor, oh don't even ask!) found she'd moved a man with mental problems into her home as her live in lover.

Otherwise, Good Job! Sometimes the hardest part of getting a relationship to work is getting your SO to listen, and you did just that!
Hugs
Witchy

Thanks Witchy - believe me, it's had it's moments! In all honesty, I'm not worried about the custody thing where Caden and his situation is concerned. Both attorneys have already agreed that while PSTD IS a mental disorder, it does NOT constitute a mental illness according to this state's laws and given that he has a treatment plan in effect and the children respond well to him they feel he's a better influence than their father. Man, talk about a pathetic position to be in when your own attorney feels your ex's SO is better for your kids than you are!! lol

Like I said, it has its moments, but, for the most part, this relatioinship is just like everybody else's. I just have to put forth more patience and tolerance than most. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't party - although he does like to dance, he used to teach at Arthur Murray when he was in high school <G> - he's a Christian with a strong moral base, and yes, while his attitudes about women's weight and beauty are slightly archiac and come across as shallow, the more we discuss them, the more I realize it doesn't go as deep as he'd like people to think. He loves animals, hates to do the dishes and right now is the responsible adult in the household, taking care of a relative that always took care of him. I look at it this way, we're human - some of us are more damaged than others but we're all human and deserve compassion. It's not Caden's fault what happened to him - his mother was a truly evil person - why should he suffer for the rest of his life because of what she and that horrible bf of hers did? He deserves love just like everybody else.

Now, if he was on Death Row somewhere with PSTD there's no question that I wouldn't talk to him, let alone date him. As the therapist said, with PSTD the condition can control you or you can control the condition, what's it going to be? Neither one of us are perfect, and like Jane said, this is probably going to happen again and again until the kinks are worked out and now, after a couple of these nutty occurrences, I don't really feel the need to post about it unless it's truly awful. This past weekend was truly awful, but it doesn't change the reality that we are two people who care for each other greatly and want to make this work.

And Bubblee, sorry babe, didn't mean to ignore ya, BUSY week at work. The attorney is out of town and I'm up to my neck in Depos. Anyway, yes, I went for a long time without hearing Caden say he loves me. Intimacy was a hard won battle for him, he could never quite get the words out and it would frustrate him to no end that he couldn't verbalize what he felt. So, I got lots and lots of gifts. lol Sometimes it was flowers, other times it was something as simple as a book or a lock of his hair. Even though he didn't say it, he felt it and expressed it the best way he knew how and then, one night, lo and behold, out of the blue, we were saying good night and the words exited his lips and it was a great moment for the both of us. ;)

And thanks everybody else, I really appreciate your support!! {{HUGS}}
And Mel, I LOVE that new pic!! You and Jeremy look so cute!!!

Originally posted by molly

And Mel, I LOVE that new pic!! You and Jeremy look so cute!!!
Thanks, Molly.

I have you, the children, and Caden in my prayers.

You know Molly, the one real blessing to having all these ups and downs and working them out is that you form an incredibly strong bond and you really learn how to communicate with each other. It's miserable in one sense and good in another.

I stopped posting after the first few melt downs because people started questioning why I was with him and urging me to move on. The crowd we have now is a lot more supportive. And tollerant of misunderstandings :D It is nice to have a place you can come to get some feed back and some sympathy. Sometimes you just plain need a hug.

Dave and I had a meltdown over the weekend. Yup, five years and we are *still* having them as he grows and learns. He decided to stop playing Diablo, the game we used for dating when we were so far apart. It's been a part of our lives all this time, but he got tired of it because it no longer represents a "challenge." I was very depressed, feeling as if I'd lost my playmate. He was being very loving and didn't understand why I got even sadder.

We had a blowup of sorts where I ended up in tears and he did too because he wanted to tell me that he still wanted to play but didn't know how to say it. He also didn't understand that people will be nice to you when they get their way (for instance not playing any more.) He didn't know people did this and was horrified to think I felt he was gloating over "winning" the right not to play.

So, he learned not to let it stretch on for days when talking to me would have fixed it and he also learned that sometimes a game is much more than just a game. He is asking me to play now and I have my playmate back.

So, you see Molly, it goes on and on as they learn, but it sounds like Caden is like Dave and learns from mistakes and then moves on stronger and more mature. It's painful sometimes, but it's wonderful to be loved by someone who is willing analyze their behavior, admit to being wrong and then do what they need to do to make it right.

Love is wonderful, isn't it...?

(((HUG)))
Jane

Ps. Melodee that's a wonderful new picture of you. Gosh you are lovely.

Thank you, Jane.

I think that it is wonderful that you and Dave and Molly and Caden (and most of the rest of us) are able to go through trying times and come out with a relationship that is even stronger than before.