I'm hurting real bad...

It all started off on Friday. My and OM(T) and I were talking on the phone and he was teasing me about something and it was really starting to get on my nearves so i said to him that if he didn't stop then I will hang up ...as I've NEVER done that before he thought I was only joking so he carried on ...but it was really getting on my nearves so i hang up.

I called him straight back and as stubborn as he is, he didn't answer the phone, why? because this 'little' girl had hang up on him and he's way to proud to let that happen. I started to feel bad but it was a joke just as his teasing was when he knew it was getting on my nearves. I called about five times but there wasn't an asnwer so i thought the best thing to do was to give him some time to cool off. I called back after an hour and he finally answer. I said, "your angry at me, aren't you?'

~"No, Meena. I was but not now. Just it was a first, you've never actually hang up on me"

I apologised but I still could tell that he was upset.

Moving on to Saturaday, I called him on the cell. We were having a general talk, everything seemed fine to me. Our converstaion was as follows:

Me: T, your not still upset over me hanging up are you? You've hang up on me several times but I've never complained to this extent.
T: Meena, theres always a first for everything and this was one. It just came as a shock to me.
Me: Ok, T. I am sorry but you know I do love you.
T: You do?
Me: Course I do, I'm sure of it.
T: If you were really so sure then you wouldn't have left me the first time (prior to this we had a break-up because of his constant jealousy and over posessiveness and also because I wasn't sure if he was 'the one' at that time. This was six months back)
Me: So your holding the past agaisnt me again, are you?
T: No
Me: T, what is wrong with you? Why are you sounding so bitter?
T: Meena, if you understood me then you wouldnt be asking 'why?'
Me: T, I'm not a physic. If tomorrow I'm in some pain and i pick up the phone putting on a jolly voice saying 'how lovely I'm feeling and what a great day ive had' then im sure you would believe me. You can only know something if i tell you and if somehting I've said has upset you then i will only know if you tell me. It's not like i can see you.
T: Meena, you dont have to be able to see me to understand me and if you don't today then i think you never will.
Me: (so now im shouting) Look if I've innocently said somehting to you as a joke then I am sorry. It seems as if I can't have jokes with you so in future I won't have jokes with you.
T: I don't accept attitude from anyone and thats excatly what I'm getting from you now. You and me were never meant to be. It's over. Don't call me again. We are strangers having only met once and never again but just on the phone or net so I'm sure you will be fine.

BLEEP...phones been cut off, yes he hang up on me.

I was certainly gob-smacked and broke into tears. I mean I've shared everyhting with this man....things i havn't told anyone ever, i shared with him and this is what it came to.

Help me out....I'm lost. Did i do something wrong? Do you think i was giving attitude by justifying myself?

At one point he said to me that i need someone my own generation, someone who will bow to my each command......whats that all about?

I feel horrible inside. If this is really over then i know that i won't be able to trust someone again so quick because he knew everything about me and within just seconds he called me a stranger.......I'm hurting real bad.:(

BTW: Thank-you to everyone who got to the end of this post. I know it is long.

Thank-you, Nessa.

Could one of the Mod's perhaps be able to move this thread to the LDR forum but still keep it here too :confused:

Just hear me out.

SOmetimes I think people get scared and lash out. I think that when people do get scared, the are able to rationalize breaking up with the other person by picking the very next thing that causes a disturbance in the relationship as something to hold onto and something to break up with the other person with.

Let me try to simplify. I'm not saying all of this the way I want to.
keep in mind, i don't know your full situation or either of your real feelings or inside your relationship. this is just what makes sense to me. this is all hypothetical

say your OM has been really on the fence lately about whether or not he can be with you. (maybe he's not vocalizing that but - whatever - people get scared, committment issues, etc.) say he thinks that this relationship is too "hard" for him to be in but doesn't know what to do or how to handle it. so, until he sees something happen (other wise known as something that YOU do) in the relationship that could be used as ammunition, he latches onto it and throws it in your face to make it seem like you were the reason the relationship ended.

might sound far fetched.. but i thought i'd offer my two cents. (and again... i do not want to offend you in any way possible here)

but, in the case, he'd just be too chicken$hit to be able to communicate his feelings.

good luck...

Hi Meena.

I wish I had more advice to offer. I am sorry for your pain. It is awful. My SO acts similar sometimes (not answering his phone when he is upset with me and turning things around on me) and I don't know how to handle it. So, advice I can not lend you, but a listening ear I can anytime you need.

I will say that I agree with the ladies that being able to speak your mind is a neccessity in a relationship. If you can't tell him what bothers you without him getting irrational, then the relationship will probably not work. Communication is so very important.

I say this, but I know how hard it is when you love someone. Because when we fall in love with them, we don't see these qualities (the not-so-nice ones). I know how it feels to want so badly to make it work. So we keep thinking about the person that we thought we fell in love with. I wonder sometimes, do they hide these parts of themselves, or are we just temporarily blind?

Keep us posted, and, if you are willing, tell us more about T as a person and your relationship.

I don't think you did a thing wrong. He's just trying to pass the blame off on you so he can treat you however he wants and still look like the innocent victim. It's manipulative for sure.

I'm guessing he'll be back (if I were you I'd wait for him to make the next move), and you should really think about whether you're better off with him or without him so you can figure out what to do next. How much are you giving in this relationship and what are you getting in return? Relationships are supposed to be a two-way street.

From what you've told me it seems like there's a pattern of this sort of behavior from him. If he can't be honest with you (regardless of all the reasons he gives you for it) and he's going to treat you this way, then maybe this incident is a blessing in disguise.

If you want to talk, IM me any time. I'll be unpacking boxes for the next couple of days so I should be home.

Hi Meena. I'm sorry I'm not more familiar with your situation. Do you two live in different countries? Relationships are difficult enough, but having distance between us so that we can't communicate more directly is an added burden.

I hope that things will resolve themselves in your favor. We're here anytime you need to talk about it.

Best wishes to you.

Meena

I'm sorry for your pain, let me say that up front.

EVERYTHING I read in your post screams CONTROL. T has control in this relationship and your hanging up on him is an act of defiance. Well, he can't have that, so he's going to "teach you a lesson".


You asked him to stop teasing, he didn't. You had a choice, let him continue to control the situation or not. You chose not to. That is NOT behavior he wants from you.

He'll be back. I promise you he will be back. His jealousy, possessiveness, etc. ALL control issues. You will pay when you displease him. You will pay now, and in the future you will pay as well. Unfortunately, if you continue with him you may pay an even higher price than you do now :(

Your relationship with this man will never get better, unless you abdicate all control to him. Then you might please him for awhile, but you will never truly please him, even if you do subject yourself to him.

This is how abuse starts and continues. If you don't believe me, ask a professional, ok?

Good luck to you! You deserve FAR better than this.

Thank-you everyone for reading and thank-you on your reponses.

My gut instinct tells me that you all are right....and Don, i see what your trying to say as you've followed this relationship from the day the problems first arised.

MOON, I think it's abit of both.. a little is hid and a little is exposed but is hidden by us being temporarily blind.

Bubblee i think your right. I always wondered when all this started that if this was the start of an abusive relationship. Your right, he didnt like me taking control for once.

You won't believe this too. We both share passwords for our Yahoo! Messenger and i logged into his today early morning....i got a message saying that this account has been terminated.

He terminated his Yahoo! account. I cannot believe that. But i wonder, maybe he's done me a favour.

The hard part about alll of this is that I'm in love with him....i want to scream because I'm wondreing how i could let someone treat me like that and be in love them. :(

Meena....

I'm sorry that you are hurting, sorry that you are going through this. *Hugs*

Ya know, it is easy to be in love and let someone treat you like that. I really believe it happens more often and to more people, than they care to admit. Kind of one of those deals where when someone says, "You should stand up for yourself, you shouldn't be with someone like that"...etc...etc and so forth, that you say/think/know that it truly is, "Easier said than done."

God knows, that when you feel you are in love with someone...you let some things slide. Lord knows, there have been times when I've let a woman who I thought I loved (and whom I thought loved me)...walk all over me. They walk over me and I just turn a blind eye to things...

But, that was then...and this is now. When I showed them that, I was no longer this naive inexperienced young man, they got scared...because they could no longer be the puppetmaster, so to speak. I've learned alot from past relationships, and no longer do I allow someone to walk over me. I may still be naive in some aspects and in some area's....but, I'm stronger over all. And I know, in my heart, you will be too...as you will learn from this experience and carry that through with you...through life...

Remember, always be your OWN puppetmaster...never let anyone else pull your strings...either close or from afar...

*Hugs*

~Dan

Originally posted by bubbleee
EVERYTHING I read in your post screams CONTROL. T has control in this relationship and your hanging up on him is an act of defiance. Well, he can't have that, so he's going to "teach you a lesson".

He'll be back. I promise you he will be back. His jealousy, possessiveness, etc. ALL control issues. You will pay when you displease him. You will pay now, and in the future you will pay as well. Unfortunately, if you continue with him you may pay an even higher price than you do now :(
Let me say how sorry I am for what you are going through right now, but I'm with Bubbleee on this one. And I'm afraid that I don't know much about your story up to this point, as I rarely venture down to the "other side" of the boards, but the control issues that this man has are screaming out loud and clear to me. Because I have been involved with men exactly like this -- twice -- and the problems will only escalate. I almost paid with my life when my ex-husband decided that the only way he could truly control me was by killing me.

I know you say that you love this man but please, please think very carefully and rationally before you contemplate any future with him!

Meena, since I heard about him from you, in the beginning, I never liked his attitude; I think you should really let him go and find someone who treats you as an equal.

Love and hugs from your virtual mother, who tries not to interfere, but hates to see you suffering... :(

Thank-you everyone for your love and support.

Theres an update posted on the YW/OM side of Relationship support.

P.S: Maria you look hot! wow!......lol, I feel blessed that your my virtual mum. :)

Hi Meena: I hope you are feeling better now. All I can tell you is that some men are like that. and yes, some of us let them control us, and hurt us, but that really doesn't help as they get tired of us anyway. So you spoke up for yourself finally!! good for you. As someone already said, it is crucial to communicate. But he may have just been looking for an excuse to make the "break up" your fault. Which he seemed to have turned around and done. But at least that is better than not even knowing what you did and trying to go over and over in your mind what could have been done differently so he wouldn't have left. Go Happy!

First I see him not stopping something when you ask him to.

Then I see him start to pick on you and not just accept it upset you and say hes sorry and allow the two of you to move past it.

Then I read that he says YOU have attitude (LOL) then he says youll be fine but this wont work yadda yadda.

Wow!!!

I hate to say this but you need to find someone MUCH much more tolerant, kind and understanding of your feelings.

Whether hes 19 or 80, find someone who honors you .

Good luck.

If you go back with him just realise you have the beginnings of an emotionally/verbally and spiritually abusive relationship here from what I read.

Take care,

HeatherLynn

Thank-you Heather and Silver.

This time the break-up is permanent. I chat to him here and there online.

He doesn't say it upfront but I can tell that he would still be ready to give it another shot. I love the way I am now...nobody to answer to so no going back. :D

Originally posted by Meena03
I love the way I am now...nobody to answer to so no going back. :D
I was so happy to read of your decision!! And even happier to read that you are at peace with the ending of this relationship.

You are a woman of amazing strength, and you have my complete admiration!

:)

Meena, there is something about making sound, decisions that YOU initiate to protect and nurture your self-esteem and give yourself back the respect that you deserve---it is called taking control again of YOU! Congrats.!
In the long haul, you will be so happy you gave yourself this gift.
There is an ex-lover that I have known for 4 yrs. Again, last night he called at 2:30AM. I am sorry he has not gotten over his loss of something special--me--but when he had me, he was neglectful, and I never got the quality time I deserved, or we deserved to help the relationship grow. This man had the capacity for being a super boyfriend, but he never had time to work on US...only his job, only his truck, only his company's goals, only his business trips...I got the left overs.
So, I chose to move on Valentines 2003. Now he calls every week, hoping to change my mind...and I am so glad I haven't caved because I realize that I don't have to come in as 2nd best next to all the other distractions in his life. Sometime we want the guy we care for to be responsible, and he never ever reaches that stage and WON'T. The kicker is, can we recognize that he won't. Hang in there...each pain in life is a gain in wisdom.

I'm glad you decided to give him the boot and that you are happy! It was a very good decision and one that took alot of strength, like Savannah said! Like her, I'm SO glad to see you here and happy.

Candy, it's good to see you back here and posting. I was hoping you'd come back, I heard you had some troubles before.

I missed reading your posts...

I've caved into pressure when I've been in romances where both of us were bad friends to the other. (Controlling each other, being emotionally unavailable...etc.) And you know? It didn't work out. Even when we both tried! Some things just aren't meant to be.

Stay Strong!

Hey!

Thanks again to everyone on your support.

Now I can focus on more important things in my life such as going to school and getting a 1st in my degree. :D