Is there such a thing as being too nice?

Hello - I am new to this forum and am finding the threads very interesting. TY -

Had a discussion with a friend recently which ended in the comment..."You are such a nice girl...I couldn't ask for anyone better but...." Where does one draw the line at being "nice", having a big heart and giving freely with no expectations...other than geniune appreciation for having done something special for someone? Is being nice perceived as "chasing" someone...overloading them with too much? And ultimately pushing them away?

I welcome the insight of others!

Welcome to Ageless. I'm glad you're enjoying the threads. I am fairly new here, too, but Ageless has easily and quickly become a part of my daily life. People here are nice.... but not too nice ;) which is a good thing.

Yes, I believe that there is such a thing as being too nice. You're too nice if you always put others first. You're too nice if you give, give and give to people that are unappreciative and don't do anything for you. You're too nice if you feel you could never disagree. You're too nice if you think that not being nice at one point or another would mean that you're essentially not nice. You know what I mean?

Loving yourself first and foremost is not being selfish or mean. I believe that it is only when you take care of you first that you can reach out and help or do things for others. I love doing things for others. I have, however, moved away from the mentality I used to have where I would sacrifice myself and my life in order to be nice to others. I didn't know how to say 'no' and there was never a limit as to what I would do to see those I cared about happy. With the help of a wonderful healer, I realized that a lot of the times when I was being so wonderful to others, I wasn't being so nice to myself.

I agree that it feels wonderful to do things for others and not expect things back. However, balance is always a good thing. You don't need to do A expecting B in return. That's kind of wrong, but if you give A, B, C, D, E, F, G... and all letters of the alphabet to something or someone that gives you not much in return, sometimes not even an appreciation, then you're probably being too nice.

I'll think about that one a bit more. Very interesting question. I'm curious to see what others have to say on the matter.

Oh, and I believe you're too nice if you don't let people go through their own journey and do things in their own pace and their own way. I believe that you can push people away if you suffocate them with your niceness (i.e., too much intervention).

Elle-suffocating people...yup=)....I think the 'motivations' for niceness are the KEY! If we are truly being NICE because we wish to or even DONT wish to but it is an extension of God's love and care for us...then yes. Suffocating people tend to be nice in a co-dependent way and only will extend such with the EXPECTATION of something coming to them....if it doesnt get returned--or even if returned but not in the WAY they NEED...then they are the ones most likely to TURN on u. When we can ask ourselves why we are being 'nice'....and can answer that with an honest expectation or simply that we really DONT expect anything in return...then I think it is healthy. I DO know some sincerely NICE people....ageless has a lot of them=)! Truly NICE people are not doormats!!:D

I've been told before that I was "too nice". I'm not sure what that means, but it is something I've been told more than once. I will say that I'm not kind to people because I expect something in return. I'm kind to people because I know that I appreciate it when others are kind to me and I tend to try to put myself in other peoples' shoes. You know...the Golden Rule.

Hm, ok, I have been exposed to this "issue" from various sides, and yes, I agree that there might be a "too nice" ...

For example, my family is definitely on the "very nice" to "saintly" side .... which sounds good, if you do like the "take charge and control" of things side that tends to go with it ... like always having "your best interest" at heart, but steamrolling everything in the process of "helping" ...

My last example (attn: VENT!): My mom was visiting me when I was down with a bad back a few month back (which I suspect I only got knowing about her pending visit lol) and insisting she wanted to clean my windows (and me telling her not to worry/bother, coz it wasn't crucial/necessary to do them yet); anyway, long story short, SHE kinda kept going on about REALLY REALLY wanting to do them coz she didn't have anything to do anyway, and so I finally gave in, and say, ok - she does them and turns round to me and actually said: "now you could really do x for me next time, after all I have done FOR YOU here" ... - after pestering me for at least a couple of hours for WANTING to do them ... :rolleyes: honestly, totally reminded me why I keep soooo far away from them as possible lol. The thing is, it's totally pointless to try to explain the incongruence to her / my saintly sisters, because - in their minds - all they do is trying to help and look after you ... ;)
Yeah, ... "too nice" imo!


I have actually been called "almost too nice" too, in a different setting, that I would call problematic: in the workplace - which in my case is full of corporate politics and backstabbing - and my boss told me that even though working with me is most pleasant because I am always nice, cooperative and friendly, I would need to learn to "draw blood" when things get tough (like mobbing, some political powergames etc) ... so, in this context, you can be "too nice" too and might be seen as a push-over ... And I really think he's right, it helped me to realize that I am inherently conflict-adverse to a VERY large extent, so not that good either ;)

Even though in a romantic setting, it might just be seen as a way to describe someone whom you cannot "fault" for anything, but you would still not date .. - Have seen/done that happen and said so myself too ...

So, to sum up those example - it's both a matter of perspective and situation, though, but yes, people can be "too nice" in various ways ...

I think we all need to see the flaws in other people, if only to feel OK about ourselves :>

When I think of someone who is "too nice", I think of someone who never expresses impatience or ill temper and thus drives me insane :>

I have been told that I am "too nice" to be a teacher, yet what exactly does that mean?? I gather that many of us are not??? Anyway, as some members have pointed out, I too live by the Golden Rule/and or its counterpart. My parents raised me that way, and that is the way I raised my children.... so it is kind of inherent in a way...and a good way to be!

With that said, thank you Kelly for the many defintions of that word; and becasue it is so overused and often nebulous in meaning, my students are told to try to shy away from using it in their papers or in a discussion (and if they do, I counter with "What exactly do you mean by nice?"), for I want a clearer picture of what they mean.

I've found that most people who say they are *too nice* are really angry. I mean angry in an *I'll step on you if it suits me* way. I've tried hard to never be too nice.

Blondie-Great thoughts=) My kids and I, particularly my 17 yr. old son tonite, have the conversation about basic manners all the time. I dont know how many times Ive witnessed people, not only kids, be at the mall and run through the doors letting it fall on the person behind them...grrrr it makes me mad. Reminded my son tonite to hold the car door for his girlfriend because even though he may think it 'old fashioned'....honor and good manners NEVER go 'out of style". He says, "MOM, I KNOW" but sometimes we arent LIKE that=) So I respond?=)...'LIKE WHAT?":D...you arent capable of taking a few extra minutes just to honor her by opening her door?....she may not appreciate it for what it is now but being KIND to someone else is more about YOU than it is her....just DO IT. Came home tonite and said that he held ALL DOORS the ENTIRE night....=) Im like...GOOD...there's hope for ya yet:D

After seeing the title of this thread, I couldn't help but comment. So amny times I've been told I'm a "nice guy," yet that seems to be a burden more than a blessing. It turns away many people women from wanting an intimate relationship with me. And other people use that asset to take advantage of me.

I will be nice, but not to a fault. Maybe it's just how I express my anger or not-so-niceness that can shock people. I mostly bottle up my anger until it reaches a boiling point. Then people look stupified to see me angry about something.

In short, I'm a nice guy, but I'm also a warrior. I'll fight for my rights as well as for the next person's. It's just I'll do it in a more diplomatic style than most other people in this world.

Adam

originally posted by awhi

I mostly bottle up my anger until it reaches a boiling point. Then people look stupified to see me angry about something.


Adam~

You are passive-aggressive, the majority of people are. Instead of dealing with an issue as it comes, you let several issues pile up and then explode, so to speak.

I do this too, except with people I am close to or know really well, then I may deal with the issue right then. I guess it's a matter of how comfortable I feel with the person, or maybe even how aggressive they may become if confronted.

Originally posted by Nessa
...I"m not nice. not anymore. I was when I was younger. I don't have to be now. if people don't like me they can bite me.

It's very freeing to not be so nice.

Lol, Nessa :D Do you give courses?
And if so, I can sign up for it?! ;)

I still gotta learn the "not to be so nice" stuff ... (working on it tho - in a nice way, lol :p)

Lol, okay this really made me laugh ... :D

Originally posted by Nessa

Yes you can throw grease on your neighbors porch and you THINK she's ignoring it. what you don't know is she's throwing her DOG POOP UNDER YOURS!!

Don't think I could do it, though ^_^

Originally posted by Nessa
Lessons Learned:

if someone says they want to do something, say well you don't have to but if you want to feel free. if they then come back at me and say 'well I did this for you so what will you do for me?" my response would be "I won't kill you for asking"
...

Now, THAT's a line I might borrow ... I can see this come handy :D

Tnx : )

Originally posted by Pariah
I've been told before that I was "too nice". I'm not sure what that means, but it is something I've been told more than once. I will say that I'm not kind to people because I expect something in return. I'm kind to people because I know that I appreciate it when others are kind to me and I tend to try to put myself in other peoples' shoes. You know...the Golden Rule.


I was told this once, too, by my former stepson who was in trouble with the law alot. He was raised in a very unstable environment and never really knew about that Golden Rule. But, I was raised to live by the Golden Rule and still do my best to always practice that rule.

I don't think anyone can be too nice as long as it is genuine. Someone referred to Eddie Haskell. He was a phony. But, the genuine article is definitely someone to be admired. I think of Mother Teresa as an example.

I've been told this times, many times. I hate being mean spirited, and since I grew up with alot of contention, living by the golden rule works well for me.

Kindness, courtesy, niceness, honour, love thy neighbor...those are treasures that rise with you, I say. Although I'm slow to anger, when I do get angry, it will be with an issue at hand and I still use the above traits with the people I know and love, even if I have just meet you. I don't like making others feel bad, or feel they have to defend themselves just because I disagree with their views. i don't know how not to be nice. Which is why most everyone at work hasn't got a problem with me, I don't stand on this white people/black people/hispanic people line that seems to divide us and I use kindness to treat all equally.

I won't allow you to treat me badly, but I won't let you treat someone else badly either.

I just got back from a cruise to the Bahamas yesterday and sitting next to me on the return flight was this cute ym, and 15 minutes into the conversation, a baby next to him started crying, she was cranky and couldn't find her downtime to nap. Her mother was trying everything she could to calm her down, there was still another hour to the flight, can you believe this man tells me, he thinks that young babies shouldn't be allow on flights because of their crankiness. I wanted to knock him on the head. He tried to pick me up, but that was such a complete turnoff, thank goodness i used my friend carlos as a b/f shield.

I didn't think it nice and I could just imagine what his other views were across the board. So its definitely a plus with me, if you're nice and patient.

paris

...he thinks that young babies shouldn't be allow on flights because of their crankiness. I wanted to knock him on the head...


Wow,
I hope that doesn't make me a creep, but I have found myself saying that a couple of times. I mean, I have a child right, and oh yes he has cried on flights (actually when he was younger he would always have diarrhea on flight days and it would inevitably end up on me somehow...sigh), but there is nothing more upsetting then listening to a child screaming right next to you or right behind you for a good hour and noone can really go anywhere unless the seat belt sign is off, and the parent takes the child to the back of the plane.

I feel bad for the parents --- REALLY bad actually, but then half of me wants them to just disappear for a while because it gets on my nerves. :(

I have never stated that outloud or anything but I have thought about it...

oh i know how cranky they can be, but you have a child, right, what if someone wants your child to fall of the face of the earth because he's irritating the guy in front of you. I had the feeling that it would be nice to put babies in the bottom of the plane with the dogs and the coffins according to this guy. Yep, that sounds like a creep to me.

And why would you say that to someone you're trying to flirt with. He didn't get any brownie points with me. You meet all kinds on a plane I tell ya.

lol

Paris