Emotionally Dying

Hello,

I haven't posted on these boards until now, but I browse the boards mostly because I like the maturity around here and the advice yall give. I'm having a problem with an online relationship and I wanted some help.

I have known a girl for three years now online and in the last year we have been dating online. The other two years we were apart some (not talking) or dating other people, but we always came back to each other time and time again. The other day, the girl said that she needed to be independent, find out what she wants to do with her life, and be unattached. Well she also started liking another guy online while we were together. He lives in New York and she lives in Florida, but he might move down. But she said she thinks she might like him because he's a lot like me. Me and him have the same birthday, but he's also different than me. She also said the other day that I still have her heart. So basically, we broke up and I'm dying inside. She said that she still loves me and I told her that I loved her unconditionally and I would stick by her forever. Because I feel that strongly inside of me. I've been crying so much and it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, but I'm trying. I can't keep crying and being upset around her because it stresses her and makes her upset. She says she still loves me and always will, still has feelings for me but they're different, and still compares guys to me. She says she cant see herself marrying the other guy and he doesn't even like country music. She says right now she just wants to be unattached. And that she might not date again for 10 months or so. She told me last night that she loves me and this morning she gave me a *hug*. I really am in love with this girl and last night after I stopped crying, I told her that I would focus on school and being her best friend and helping her and focus on having fun with her when I move down (I move down in August). I told her also that I put faith in us because time and time before we came back to each other no matter what. And she said that was alright.

This happened once before, she liked another guy and left to be with him. But like a year later, she came back and we were together again. I really love this girl and I feel so strongly in my heart for her. It cuts so deep though and hurts. She said she might date five guys before she dates me again, she doesn't know. I understand her wanting to be independent and change, I just don't want to loose her or anything. I asked her if the feelings would be back again and she said that anything is possible. She even said that through everything and dating other people, we always came back to each other. I told her I felt like I had to compete with the other guy, because she likes him and I'm loosing. She told me to just be myself. Do I have any chance at all? Is it ok to keep up hope and faith? We always came back to each other before, maybe this time since I will be down there, we will come back for good? She said last night, that "you know how people are online and the phone" when I talked about that guy. Maybe that means that she's just taking things as they go? I really don't want to loose her, I love her so much and the thought of loosing her and not being with her scares me more than anything. She says that I am her best friend and that she compares other guys to me.

I'm sorry that the girl in this post isn't an older woman, she's about my age. If that's a crime or something, then at least let me get a few responses before I'm banned. I came here to post because I knew the answers here would be good and truthfull and that's what I want. I'm sorry :-(

Lance

Lance, you must be very young, by the way you write, and I know how sad you must be feeling, but if age gives me anything that you don't have yet, that is experience. And I think you may trust me when I say this girl doesn't know what she wants. You have to take the control of your life back into your own hands and move on.

Online relationships can be very shallow, despite its length, for some people. Like in real life, some people date just to test the waters, they are not really decided yet, and if they convince others that they are deeply in love and it's forever, then they committ a big sin, that of leading somebody on to believing there's love where there's just liking.

You won't be banned for opening your heart, asking for advice, or because you are not dating someone older That's not why we ban people, you have to be really mean and disrespectful to be banned here around Ageless.

There's so much more to say, first let us know more about you. How old are you? Do you have close friends? Do you live with your family? Do you feel you might be suffering from depression (physiological depression, because of the loss)right now?

Thank you for replying and not banning me. I'm 18 almost 19, I don't really have any close friends that I like, I devoted my life and self to this girl. She has met close friends online now and that's why she says she is changing. I dont know if I am suffering from depression. She said last night that her new plan must not be working because she's hurting and it's because I'm hurting. It doesn't seem that she knows what she wants, I agree. She has a lot going on in her life with her grandma and her schooling (she's falling behind).

I love this girl unconditionally and I'll fight for her always. I think I can pick up my pieces and take control of my life. But I want her with me in the future so bad :-( I sent her an email yesterday about how I feel and how I would do anything for her and she said that she "loved the email Lance." But said that I need to back off. I guess she just needs time to grow and change more. I just hope that I am in the future. I realize I am young and that I have a lot of time, but it doesn't replace the fact that I love her so much and I don't want to loose her :-( I have nothing on this other guy other than three years of a friendship/relationship with her, she only likes him and doesn't love him, and that she says she wont start another online relationship. She said the other day that I still have her heart and that she still think about me at night.

Hi Lance. No one is going to ban you for not being in an age gap relationship.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. :( Loving someone from afar is tough enough, but when he/she wants some space to be with other people, that's an added hurt.

It sounds like she does need some time to sort out her life and who she wants to be with. And, it sounds like she is telling you that she needs for you to give her that space. So, that's really what you need to do.

It's difficult to let someone go, though. But, if you love her, you'll do that for her. She is telling you she needs this, so you'll find a way to honor her wishes.

Allow yourself time to grieve over what you have lost. Don't be hard on yourself. Talk to friends. Talk to us. Ventilate about how you feel. That's the best way to work through the grief process.

But, do yourself a favor and don't hold on to hopes of working things out with her. IF it ever comes to that, that would be wonderful for you. But, meanwhile, do not put your life on hold while she is out there living her life. You must do the same when you are ready.

Hugs to you. Again, I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. :(

Lance, welcome to the Ageless Love Boards. I think it's really good that you've reached out at this difficult time. I don't think anyone here would ban you for coming here for support even though you and your loved one are about the same age.

It seems to me, from what you've described, that you guys have a strong connection and that is certainly precious. I wouldn't want to give up that either. It is also apparent to me that you have had a yo-yo type of relationship (that on and off, then on and off again type of thing) which were all initiated by her (please, correct me if I'm wrong.. I could have misread things). Although it's very noble of you to love her unconditionally and stick by her, I'm not so sure that it is the heathiest thing to do put your whole life in someone's hands like that. What about you, you know what I mean? At least from the sound of it, you've been very reactive, which is fine, but too much of anything, especially if that something hurts you, may not be the best thing for you. Please note that I have the utmost respect for your feelings and I can sense where you're coming from and how hard it is to even think of losing her as a girlfriend. I think that by letting her go down the path she's chosen - be it with you, someone else or no one - is, however, the most beautiful and loving thing you could do for her and for yourself. Matters of the heart are sooo delicate... there is no easy breakups and there is no painless letting go, especially when we're young. By no means I want to discourage you from pursuing your love, but if at all possible, use this time she's taking for herself and try to focus on you a bit more. It's a wonderful thing to merge with others, but it's a very different thing to lose ourselves in them. The base of any strong relationship starts within. Perhaps you can use the "alone time" to strenghten and work on yourself. I hope this makes sense. I know you're sad and hurting - and probably depressed. ::hugs:: Believe me, I've been there. Trust, however, that such feelings will subside. You just need to be willing to move on and upwards.
Stick around and listen to what some of these wonderful people here have to say. And remember I'm just offering you a personal view and as any other view, it's just a view - not any kind of ultimate truth.

I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing more from you. Be kind to yourself. I hope you find comfort and heal yourself very soon.

Peace,

~Elle

But I just wish I knew if I had a chance :-( I would give up anything and everything for her. I guess all I can do is be her best friend and let her have her space and work things out. And maybe if I do that, then some day things will fall back into place and I can be with her. I sure hope so :-( She did say that she needed time to be independent and that she didn't want to do online relationships and that she didn't want to date either one of us right now. So maybe I have a chance?

Gee Lance, I'm really sorry to read what's going on with you. We've all been hurt by love at one time or another so we completely understand how deep and acute the pain can feel.

This girl is confused herself and I think she's somehow trying not to hurt you, yet hurting you all the more. Sometimes women can try to "let a guy down easy" but the end result of that is that the guy winds up getting hurt even more.

I keep reading that YOU want a future with her so bad. Problem is SHE doesn't want a future with you real bad right now, you know? Trust me, nothing you can say or do is going to change fact for her. It's easier in the end to just let it go. Maybe SOMEDAY you might have a chance with her, but NOT RIGHT NOW.

You have to take a step back and stop contacting her. It's like continually touching a hot stove where your heart is concerned. If your relationship with her is meant to be, then somehow it will work out.

And, please, if it gets to the point that you can't move beyond this depression in a few days or weeks, contact a school counselor or local professional for them to help you get through this crisis, ok?

I have experience with young guys who felt exactly as you do. It's going to take time but you'll be alright if you have somebody to help you get through this.

Thanks everyone for responding. We're going to stay best friends and talk. I'm going to help her with her school work, but I realize that I have to let her go on her way. I think and feel inside of my heart that through everything we always came back to each other and that provides faith and a warm ness in my heart. I will focus on me during the time and once I'm down, she said we would hang out and do things together. It sounds like she needs time to herself. She even has been telling me that "she needs time by herself." So I will give her that, and maybe one day I'll have her back to me :-(

It hurts so bad, I just start crying :-( I can't even listen to the radio anymore, but she's all happy and cheery on the phone yesterday. I just want her to have her time and when she's got everything under control, I want her back more than anything else in this world :-(

Lance, love is only good if it's bilateral. How come you do everything to reassure her, but you don't tell her how much you are hurting? This is not good!

I would let her know exactly how you are feeling, because then she can show her true feelings for you. It's risky, I know, she might just leave you there crying by yourself and go take care of her life, but if so, what kind of love was that? Didn't she say she loves you too?

Well, my friend, love is supposed to take care of each other. Even friends do that. If she can't take care of you, it's because she doesn't love you, and I think she doesn't in the way you want, because she IS dating someone else online.

It hurts, but you'll get over it. Make friends here, talk to us, ask us questions, don't go into dark places inside yourself. You are just discovering love and you are already able to be so kind. You'll be the greatest guy to love, I am sure! And you know what?

There are lots and lots of women out there just dreaming of being loved that way. And they are able to love you exactly with the same intensity and care. That's what you have to aim for.

I waited 43 years to find this, and here I am, happier than ever. You don't have to wait all that long, but trust me, life is full of surprises, and the road to happiness may be long, but there's fun on your way. Enjoy it. Mourn it if you have to, but be sure brighter days are ahead of you, even it doesn't seem so right now!

It sounds like she needs time to herself.

Yes, absolutely. I'm glad you can see and respect that.

Some food for thought...

* Loving another - or being loved by another - is a wonderful thing. I myself couldn't possibly deny that because it would make me the biggest hyprocrite on Earth. I must say, however, that loving one's Self is the most wonderful thing there is. It took me about 35 years to "get it" and perhaps all I'm trying to do here is bring that to your awareness. I figured it wouldn't hurt. :)

* You're a smart young man, Lance, and a kind-hearted person as well. The thought that keeps coming to my mind is that Good Things Happen To Good People. You mentioned the word faith somewhere in your posts. Use that. Believe that good things are happening and will continue to happen. Things may not happen the way you want and you may not recognize them as being good, but have faith. Believe that everything happens for a reason and behind all things there is good.

* The future belongs in the future. Right here and right now you don't have you loved one as a girlfriend but you do have her friendship, which is extremely valuable, and most importantly, you have your Self. No matter what, you will ALWAYS have your Self.

I told her how I feel last night and how I'm hurting and she said that she understood and that she is hurting because I am hurting. She told me that she didn't want to date the other guy and she doesn't want to date anyone right now at all. She said she doesn't love me anymore on a dating/love level, but she loves me otherwise. I guess all I can do is be her best friend and be myself and let the rest go. Maybe one day she'll love me like she did before :-( The other day she took pictures on her computer and she sent them to me and in one pic she was in this top and it was low cut so you could see a lot and I asked if she just got into a pic taking mood cause she normally dont wear that and she just said that she went to dinner and took them and she was all smiling and stuff when I'm crying my eyes out and I can't even eat. But it sure don't feel that way to me :-(

I know I have myself and I will take this time to better myself and help myself out, but I still want her back. Three months from now when I'm down there, I'm going to want her back. I know she'll probably say no, but we will hang out and do stuff together and maybe by that she'll begin to like me again :-(

I put faith in the fact that we've always been together before. Even when we were with other people, we always found a way back to each other. One time we didn't even talk for a year cause she had decided to date this one guy and I ended up finding a girl after taht. Well we didn't even talk or anything and she broke up with her guy and I broke up with my girl and we found each other again. And I'd like to think that will happen again, because I feel like God wants us to be together because we've been back in touch so many times, but he wants us to be our own person first. Maybe I'm foolish to think that and my head is playing tricks on me, but that's what I think and feel and I hope it comes true. I in no stretch of the word want to date anyone else at all. There's things I can do for myself and I will do them. But ultimatelly I want her back :-(

Just one more word of advice. I know that you are hurting, but whatever you do, be careful about not pressuring her. If she needs her freedom to be able to sort out how she feels and what she wants, if you mention to her how you feel alot, you may actually add to the disconnect between you.

Let her go, and if it is meant to be, she will return to you. But, not if she feels pressured. I know this from my own personal experience.

Good luck to you OceanJet. :)

Lance

Are you moving to Florida in three months? Why?

You keep referring to this. Where are you now?

I'm moving to FL for college. I'll let her go, I just hope she comes back to me. I really don't care to date, I gave her my heart and I want her to keep it. She told me that I have her heart too. I'm not the party type or anything like that. For some reason, I feel like she will come back to me. I think she has reached a new chapter in her life and she said she wants to start with a clean slate. She wants to be independent and all that stuff. I'm supportive of her. I guess I just have to let her go and be supportive and be her best friend as she changes. I wont ever stop loving her. Maybe later on, I'll be with her again. She was bubblying with the love feelings just a while ago, and I don't think those just die.

She's 17. Sometimes I get so aggervated at it like right now. I want her to wish she never left me. I don't know, I guess this all takes time. I'll let her go and let her go on her way. My ultimate hope is that we are together again and that may happen. If it doesn't, then hopefully I find somebody else. I don't know. Nessa, I hope you are wrong too (no offence). I do listen to what everyone says and thank you for taking the time to respond.

I hear your pain. You have invested so much of yourself into this relationship. It sounds like it is hard to imagine the future without her. BUT....
UNLESS you are willing to really let go, you will not begin to heal from this loss. As long as you cling to hope of the future with her, your PRESENT happiness is lost. The most important person to you should be YOU and your well-being. If you do not love yourself and want the best for you, you will be setting yourself up for heartache from her and others.

Winners want healthy relationships where BOTH people are honored and respected and treasured by each other. She is not willing to do that. Instead of looking at how many times you two have come back together, look at how many times she has ditched you and disrupted your life.

Of course it seems like there is nothing left in life without her. You have isolated yourself from friends and a social network that would keep you from thinking that this relationship loss is the end of the world. Please use this time NOT to be a friend to her, but to find REAL friends for you. Find people who share your interests, your values and will support you through thick and thin.

As others here have noted, you seem to be a special guy. With time and healing, hopefully you will realize that also. The only people that deserve unconditional love are children. The rest of the world should be based on give and take and MATURITY. You obviously have the maturity for the long haul. However, she does not. So please honor the person you are and hold out for someone more worthy of your love.

I have more on my mind but I will stop and let you "digest" this for awhile.
Peace,
Barbara :)

You know what just occured to me, Lance? I don't think you're emotionally dying... I think you've past that... I think what you're experiencing it's more about an emotional rebirth. Hard to explain, but I think we "die" and "reborn" so many times in a lifetime... but maybe that's just me and my coocoo head. :P

One thing that I've learned in life is that not all growth comes from or involves pain - thank goodness! - but all painful experiences - no exceptions - are opportunities for growth. Yeah, growth may not always feel good as we're experiencing all sorts of "yucky" feelings, but a positive attitude can make a world of difference.

There will be times in your life, such as now, when you will feel sad and you may find difficulty thinking outside of your sadness. Probably now your feelings are more negative in the sense that you love her, but she doesn't love you, you want to be with her but she doesn't... you don't have her, but you want her... you were content and now you're hurting... Wow! So many emotions all wrapped up into one big thing: the sadness.

Now, despite all the pain and hurt, you had the presence of mind of coming here. Not only that, you have graciously listened to what all of us had to say, whether you agreed with it or not, and you are starting to form different views of the situation. Whether you are completely out of your sadness or not is nearly irrelevant at this point. What I mean by that is that you're making progress, you are growing. Although you still insist in being with her someday, or want her to love you in the same way as you love her, etc., you are farther along in your growth process than you were a veru short while ago.

Know that your negative feelings about all of this will quiet down as time goes by. As begin to "see" more and starting walking out of sadness and into happier moments, things will become more and more clear for you. In time, you will be able to see all of what is happening from a different angle. Trust that things will be alright and they will. Again, good things happen to good people, and that is no lie. :)

::hug::

Thank you again everyone who was responded and helped me out, it's helped me a ton. I went up town and drove around and that helped too. I'm pretty southern and my dad raised me because my parents divorced and I was always raised up that you fight for whomever you love.

I'm going to focus on myself and things that I want to do and be her best friend and help her, because I do want to help her. I love the girl with all of my heart and I doubt that will change. Right now she's not really talking to anyone and she told me that she wants some time off soon where she doesn't talk to anyone on the phone or online. She's tired of being on the computer (she does her classes online) and online relationships.

I need to make myself a better person, I never really healed from my parent's divorce at all. I'll be her best friend and hang out with her and do things with her and we'll always have a special bond. My hope is still that things turn out and we are together again. I'll keep that hope for a while, I'm sure. I guess I'm stubborn. I need to let her grow and change and all that. Maybe time down the road, we will be together again.

I'm talking to her now and helping her do some school work. I love her voice :-) She's aggervated at school, but she's still calling me my nickname, moo.

We just talked for about 2hrs and I helped her with her work. I called her baby and hunny, by accident and she didn't seem to mind a lot. We called each other moo too which is our nicknames. I hugged her at the end and she hugged me back too. I think I'm helping by just being open and helping her out.

She also said that once she's caught up, she wants to take a break for 2 weeks and relax. Start working out and get into a routine of things.

Cool, I'm glad she's got plans for the near future and is doing fine. Be sure to drop by to tell us how you are doing, what you've been up to, that type of thing. Later.

Well I'm a little better today. She's been sick and upset that she's not getting any work done. She hasn't really been talking to anyone. She was sick last night and came on to say goodnight and she hugged me. I called her today after lunch to see how she was feeling. I think I'll help her with her work tonight again.

I figured I should say hello here. I am a 19 year old guy who has gone through the same thing with another girl. So I can speak from experience here.

I went through this about two years ago. I was on an online relationship as well, and it ended in December of 2001. I wasn't very well emotionally developed at the time, and I was very saddened for a long time, and even suicidal a bit. But, as time went on, I was able to get up in the morning easier, and let go of the past completely. To make any progress in this life, letting go of the past, and looking toward the future is critical. One must learn to accept the here and now to be able to live life to the fullest. I have gone through this, and in fact, it took me a few months to get through it. But it gave me a whole new opportunity for growth.

Also of note, at the time this happened, I didn't have much self confidence, nor did I have many friends. Self love is important in loving others, because how can one love others if they do not love themselves? I'm sure you have many good qualities, being very loving, is of course, one of them.

But anyways, what I'm trying to say is, it is time for you to move on in life. You must let go, as hard as it may be. You may feel that there is no other girl as good as she is, or that can be as wonderful as she is. But, with time, you must believe me when I say that you will find another girl who is just as good as she is, if not better. I wouldn't have believed it myself when I was going through this, but here I am on here, in love with a beautiful and wonderful woman that is much better than that which I left behind. And I hate to see you going through this when there are other good women out in this world. This young girl hasn't made up her mind yet, and everytime she comes back to you and you take her in, you are, unfortunately, setting yourself up for heartache. She hasn't decided who or what she wants in a guy, so she's playing the field, and constantly coming back to you. And she will keep playing the field until she is more mature. But she doesn't have that maturity yet, and until it does, she is just causing you a lot of pain.

So you need to let go and move on. You sound like you are in it for the long term, and there are many women out there who like guys who are in it for the long haul. And someday, you will find the one for you. Best wishes!