Feel like I'm doing something wrong.....

Hello....
I'm glad I found this board and all you lovely woman. I try to be concise. I'm 38, one year out of an abusive marraige with full custody of three beautiful kids. I am a professional vocalist and talent agent and play with my band 3-4 nights a week. (Lot's of time spent together in out little "family" Anyway....I've been fighting feelings for our 21 year old drummer for a long time. Much chemistry between us, and stolen glances all over the place. Last week-end after a particularly grueling show we had a 3:00 a.m. confessional and both admited our feelings. It ended with a sweet kiss and me SOARING. We laugh, talk music, watch out 4 each other at shows, and most importantly, I am COMPLETELY myself with him. He is by far the most loving, considerate guy I've ever been around....and I could sit all day and just enjoy his "joy of life" Polar opposite of the abuse I'm so use to. So WHY do I feel like a "Mrs Robinson" or cradle robber. The only person I told said "He could be your son....what are you THINKING?!" He's too young and vulnerable. I am so confused....but I would NEVER EVER hurt him, I would walk away b4 I let that happen. He just quietly reassures me that the age thing doesn't matter, and that he understands how I feel, but it will be o.k.....I guess I have an enormous amount of guilt over the stigma of our age gap, so we are "hiding" from band, friends and family. He's only 8 years older than my daughter! Is this all wrong. I have never been so happy or confused all at once HELP!

Please excuse all the typo's in that last post.....I really am literate, just a nervous wreck. ;)

Thanks Nessa (COOL NAME!)
I guess I just wonder if my confused feelings are normal....or at least does anyone understand and how do I deal with it? You're right.... he's NOT a child by any stretch ;)

My boyfriend is 16 years younger, I am 43, he's 27.
The way I see things, what should matter for you two is how you feel about each other. There should be nothing else bothering you, because love is always a beautiful thing, you are not hurting anyone for loving an available man who is willing to share his love with you. You are both adults, both free.

The age gap thing, if it shocks others, too bad for them! It doesn't shock the only two people who should have a say in it, and you both agree that there's something between you that is worth being developed. Go for it.

Don't treat your relationship much differently from how you would treat any other. He's younger, has less experience in a lot of stuff, but he has a whole world inside him that deserves respect and is open for you to discover. Treat him like a man, and the age gap will not mean a thing.

I'm hangin Nessa! Thanks so much.

Dorian, I have to agree with Amina... follow your heart. If it feels right, it's because it probably is. Don't let society's opinion of what an ideal/normal relationship should be get in the way of your happiness. Who cares you're old enough to be his mom. I could technically be my b/f's mom, too, but you know what? I'm not. And I love his momma for taking care of that one. :D I think that so long as you and your YM are willing to face this, no one should be able to stop you. Go for it and best of luck!

PS: Amina, welcome to this side of the forums. :)

You've gotten great advice so far, Dorian! Yes, the initial uneasiness of the age gap can be disconcerting but it goes away quickly. I too could easily be my ym's mother but he's not looking for a mother, he's looking for someone to love and he chose me.

Look at it that way. He chose you. He's choosing to be with you. The same way my ym chose to be with me, or Elle's ym chose to be with her or Bri chose to be with Nessa, etc. You came together, you choose to love each other, who cares what the rest of the world thinks? And, one important facet that sometimes escapes us as we float on those early ebbs of love and passion brought on by a new relationship that can be threatened by insecurity - you make the choice to ignore the obvious. Age gap relationships are very special things comprised of very special people who are together under special circumstances - they care about each other and they should be allowed to experience that!

And Amina, welcome to our side, you're welcome here any time!!!

I'm afraid of venturing over to "the other side" - I already spend far too much time checking the messages on *this* side.:eek:

Welcome to the site, Dorian. It's a great place to be:)

Thanks so much everyone!
Wow....I feel like I found a great group of human beings here and am so thankful! BTW...the Dorian is from "Dorian Grey" if anyone is familiar with the tale.....
Yes....the "am I a perv" thing crossed my mind more than once. Scary thoughts, huh? And Elle.....you hit the nail on the head. My Ex is the picture of what society looks at as sucessful, prime spouse/lover material. Doctor, charming, handsome, ....a "catch" in most people's eyes. Add Abusive, Cruel, NON parent. All behind closed doors of course. But Jon......joyous, spontaneous....PLAYS WITH MY KIDS and supports my "mom" role. All because he WANTS to.....I feel blessed. And because I'm in the "giddy" stage of this new-found romance, let me add that he reminds me exactly of Leo Decaprios "JacK" in Titanic. Looks just like him....is 100% irish...has all that constant JOY....and would probably teach me to spit no problem.... ;) Work with me girls...this honeymoon thing won't last forever...but I'm sure you all remember how it felt! :) We're still doin the cloud nine thing, and I put the cereal box in the fridge this morning....DUH :) Thanks for all the welcomes!

milk's in the dishwasher next to the laundry! heehee

We're still doin the cloud nine thing, and I put the cereal box in the fridge this morning....DUH :)
LOL - Isn't it wonderful to feel that way? I'm happy you were in that great state to the point of putting the cereal in the fridge. I wish you long lasting "airheadedness" - all in the name of love, of course. :D

Dorian~

Welcome to ageless! You will get wonderful support here. It's great to be among beautiful people that understand. I know about that cloud nine business. Nothing like it in the world! :D

Dorian, you aren't a perv...that weird feeling you have is *love*! Welcome to Ageless. I'm 56 and my husband Dave, is 30. We met when I was 52 and he was 26. Nothing like being exactly twice his age to put a damper on things. Fortunately we didn't let it get to us. LOL

I'm 3 years younger than his mother chronologically and about 30 years younger than she is in every other way. She's still bemused that her son married me but we try to get along. She is the one who told me to marry Dave. She told me that we aren't guaranteed one more minute on this earth, so you have to be crazy to throw away a chance to be loved and be happy. :D

You aren't crazy. Your relationship has as good a chance of success as if you were closer in age. Most people don't care that you have an age gap. Life is too short to turn your back on happiness.

Go for it!!!
Jane

We have all struggled with the *is this wrong* issue. IMHO, it isn't. When it's an OM\YW, no one says a word. My experience is somewhat like some others on the board--I'd never thought I'd date some guy who was years younger until I fell for someone lots younger. My ex is 22 years younger thn me, I'm 45, he's 23. It's up to you and your guy to work it out.
Have a great holiday weekend.

Welcome to Ageless, Dorian. You have gotten wonderful advice here. We have so many who come here because they think they are not "normal" or there is something wrong with them or that they are a "perv." As you have seen, that is certainly not the case.

Your YM is 8 years older than your child? Well, my YM is a year older than my daughter and I am twice his age. And I can tell you that I certainly don't consider myself a "perv" or "abnormal." We are just two people who happen to hit it off and who happen to have a 25 year age gap. Who cares? It doesn't bother me and it doesn't bother him. And in the whole scheme of things, that's all that matters.

And I would say to the person you have told about your relationship that made the negative response: That person needs to open their eyes, look at the world and see that things are changing.

Honey, you need to quit hiding your relationship with this guy. If anything, flaunt it . . . tell your friends, family and the band. My guess is that those who really care about you will support you and those who don't . . . well, are they really your friends now?

Good Luck.

Hi!

I can totally relate to your feelings..I'm 40 and he's almost 19.
I'm still sorting things out in my head and the "perv" thing has crossed my mind ;)

You're not alone here!

Dorian, I have a son who's 31 and a husband who's 24:eek: They're both named Jeremy, and the elder Jeremy doesn't call the younger Jeremy "dad," lol.

I'm sure that there are many people who consider our relationship totally bizarre, but I'll bet that they aren't having half the fun that we are:p

Welcome to agelesslove Dorian!

My son is also 8 yrs younger than my fiance. My fiance is 27 (28 in Nov) and I just turned 46. I understand completely how you feel.

Joining this website was definitely the key to helping me work through my concerns. Stick around and post and I'm sure you'll find the support you need to get through it.

You may also want to try reading the book "Loving a Younger Man" by Victoria Houston. It also helped me understand that all those feelings I am experiencing on this roller coaster ride are normal.

[i]Originally posted by whiterose [/i

You may also want to try reading the book "Loving a Younger Man" by Victoria Houston. It also helped me understand that all those feelings I am experiencing on this roller coaster ride are normal. [/B]



I was going to ask everyone if there were any books out there..and you answered my question before I asked :D

Why thank you Nessa. :p


Allie, there's another one that is supposed to be excellent by Susan Winters. I think it's called "Older Women, Younger Men" or something like that. But, I bet you can find it by searching on Amazon by her name.

Originally posted by whiterose
Why thank you Nessa. :p


Allie, there's another one that is supposed to be excellent by Susan Winters. I think it's called "Older Women, Younger Men" or something like that. But, I bet you can find it by searching on Amazon by her name.

Yep, that's it, Whiterose. You know she was on the Oprah show with us . . . but it's Susan Winter. Close enough :D

Thanks Peachy. I knew you'd know her name and the title. I remembered after I posted that she was on Oprah with you guys. :)

Hi All...
Sorry I took so long to reply....rehearsal schedual is nuts, and this being Memorial day week-end....well, I've spent more time on stage than off and I have exactly three hours to do transform from soccer mom to "diva" and do it all again tonight. (Scary prospect, it's all about the make-up and push-ups girls! LOL) Anyway....you are all so kind, and supportive. Touches me that complete strangers can rally around me and help me walk through some of the confusion. I sincerely thank you....
We can't go public just yet....the band has a pretty strict NO DATING policy. I understand it completely, sometimes mixing business with pleasure can be detrimental to the group if any little spats or issues find their way on to the stage. Jon and I both deeply respect all the members of our group, and have had extensive "what if" conversations. That doesn't mean we're giving up one bit of our connection. And it's kinda fun getting the playful drumstick in the back of the head and knowing our little secret. I'm sure I'll need plenty of support when we go public. Bands are pretty strict on forming alliances, and we will have to prove that it will NOT effect our band. In the meantime....we have some pretty killer "Sign language" on stage and off to keep us close. Can't wait to go to work tonight!!!!! Thank you all SOOOO much. I feel like I have found a home here. :)

Hi Dorian! It's hard not to feel a bit funny about the kids... I have an oldest daughter who is 30 and my sweetie is 34 ( I am 52) and my son-in-law married to my youngest daughter is also 30. It is so funny when my ym gets together with them..he is determined to get my son-in-law to call him "dad"..LOL.. he's already gotten my four year old grandson to call him "grandpa". Welcome to Ageless! These folks are the most wonderful people I have ever "met"!

Originally posted by peachy51
Yep, that's it, Whiterose. You know she was on the Oprah show with us . . . but it's Susan Winter. Close enough :D

That's the book that brought me to Ageless! They had the address of this site in it and I came to get some advice and never left! That was almost two years ago!

I'm late reading the posts, but welcome Dorian. I felt so much of a perv that I never had a thought about having a permanent relationship. I wanted my YM to marry and have children..all the happily ever after stuff. I just wanted a fling. But when I met my YM , it was pretty much over. no kisses as he doesn't kiss friends. My guy had been playing me up for 2 and 1/2 years. Long distance. I bought him a car and helped him with his expenses. He told me he loved me and my age didn't matter. six months after i met him, he was dating a friend 2 years younger than him whom he had known for 11 years. He did a bit more than just kiss that friend as they moved in together a few months later. Believe it or not, I still hear from him after 3 years. Not often, but he still says he loves me. I think he is ashamed to admit to himself he only loved me for the money.
But I know of more than a few YM/OW marriages that have worked out beautifully. My youngest son married a woman 8 years older than him and they have a wonderful 11 year marriage now. A friend married a guy from scotland (another LDR) and her YM is 2 years older than her oldest son. They are very happy after the 6 years they have been married. And it took over 2 years to get thru INS so he could come to the US. So that they could get married. .

Well......the band knows and it WAS NOT pretty. We were playing saturday night and our lead guitar player (who btw has been shamelessly flirting with me for some time) confronted me and said "do you have a crush on Jon?" I couldn't hide it, and I admited to our relationship. What followed was NOT pretty. He told me to do the math and that it would never work. Then he had a screaming match in the parking lot with Jon and told him off. He accused him of not being a good friend, of breaking band rules, and told him he should "Screw my head back on" and end it immediately with me if he cared about the band. It's very ugly now, and the band is on the rocks. My dear sweet jon is so calm about it....he says that Kevin is just jealous, and if he can't accept it and be proffessional, we will part company and re-form the band. In the meantime we've been inseperable, and my kids ADORE him. When he leaves, they beg him to come back soon. He is the first guy they've accepted since my split with their dad. This is certainly a rocky road, and I'm feeling anxious, but I know we love each other. He can make me laugh even when I'm crying tears of frustration.

Uhhh, ugly jealousy fit, huh?

He (the guitar player) must be feeling ridiculous by now, because he seemed to dislike the age gap and the "betrayal" that Jon did toward him more than the fact that you disrespected the band rules?

Don't even bother, Dorian, you both will be okay. And Jon is right, he knows it, that's why he's calm!

Trust your Jon, he seems to be very mature! ;)

Thanks Boho ;)
I do trust him....but I've had anxiety attacks ever since the whole dysfunctional scene went down. What rippes me the most is that Kevin (Guitar) would have been all over me in a heartbeat had I have so much as batted my eyes at him.....and I KNOW band rules would not have stopped him. He's been throwing sexual innuendo at me for a long time, and Jon has done nothing but be professional on and off stage. In all honesty, that's how our relationship developed so quicky, because he has always been my "safe place" in the group. I was never afraid of him coming onto me. I have always been COMPLETEY at ease with him, almost in a brother sort of way. And he has always been very protective of me on breaks in clubs. He doesn't hover around me in a possesive way, but no matter where he is, he watches. Many times I deal with sloppy drunks in my face, and if Jon sees any discomfort on my part, he very politely rescues me. Kevin just ignores me unless he thinks he can "get something" UGH!!!! I need this week-end to fade in my mind, cuz it's really eating me up. I want to tear into Kevin, but Jon says leave it alone.

You will not be unpopular with me, thatgirl! ;) I think that Dorian and Jon may even consider that right now, and still try to see if Kevin calmed down and is professional enough to drop it.

Why not prepare yourselves for the worst scenario? Thatgirl has a point there. Be prepared!

I will have to exercise alot of self control around Kevin now. His response has changed any positive feelings I had for him on a personal level. It's difficult, because he is an outstanding musician, and a real asset to the band. But Jon has made it clear that the band comes second to "us" and if things remain uncomfortable, or Kevin choses to confront either one of us about our PERSONAL lives outside of our professional integrity, he will replace Kevin. It's funny, because I sing BETTER with Jon behind me, and the songs mean more. He is the same way. During his drum solo (unbelievable btw ;) I "hide" out of sight on the back of the stage to listen where he can see me. On the nights I couldn't be next to him if I was "stuck" with a fan or had a friend at the show, he says he doesn't feel as confident, or have anyone to impress ;) Very cute. Let me add that he has won every "best drummer" contest around, had a record deal at 18, and has been asked to appear on MTV. In the end, I can see myself fading into the background to support him and be with my kids. That's where this thing might lead, because he is at the point where he could have a huge career. I like soccer games and have had 15 years of professional vocal work. Maybe this mess will point him and our relationship in a new direction.......

I, too, am dating a musician. While I'm not in the band, they include the girlfriends in the conversations and we sell merch. and take videos/photos at the concerts. We've recently gone through replacing a band member, the drummer in our case, because the old one wasn't into the band, he was in to his own gratification. It wasn't easy but the band is much better for getting the negative energy out of the tour and have someone who sees the entire band organization as one big happy family. This family is happier and healthier with the negativity gone. I wish the best for your band family as well.

As my ym's brother repeatedly says, being in the band is like a marriage. I know when my ym is happiest - he's either fishing or playing his guitar. I also realize he's happiest playing when I'm there supporting him and enjoying their songs. He always told me he can't see anyone in the audience because of the lights but it startled him the first time I was at a concert and he could see me, dancing along side his mom, one night and he gets energy during each show when he sees me loving every minute of his performance.

I would hate to be on the stage with him (couldn't sing if my life depended on it) but it warms my heart knowing he does better and draws energy from just seeing me enjoying his music.

P.S. It was a real concern of his when we started dating late last year because this is a scene I had never got in to. I loved listening to music but never the concert scene. I look forward to each and every concert/photo shoot/public appearance now.