Work situation

Hi there everyone,

I am new to the forum and saw the previous thread about a YM at work. I stumbled across this forum after searching for some insight into my issue.

I also am infatuated with a YM at work. I'm 32 and he's 26. We have known each other for about four months and from day one we have had this incredible chemistry between us. At first, I didn't think of him like that. Honestly, I knew how old he was and felt uncomfortable that he was younger. Then, I started catching him looking at me. I'd feel him staring and look up and catch him and he quickly looks away. He comes to my desk a dozen times a day for all sorts of reasons. Whenver he sees me, his face gets red and we get lost in the glance. I guess I started showing him I like him too. I get him coffee and help him with his projects. We started hanging out after work. I feel so happy when he is around and over the weekend I am miserable. I am am happy to see Monday morning. I just hope I am reading the signs correctly. I think everyone is starting to notice too. More than one person has commented that we act like an "old married couple." Over the past month, I have started developing deeper feelings for him - but, I have my doubts. One, I work with him. And two, he's five and a half years younger than me. My boss always comments on how she thinks he has a crush on me and she loves it how he makes me smile. Today, she told a mutual friend that she thinks I have a crush on him (while I was standing there.) I laughed it off and said "No, I don't." Our mutual friend said, "He's too young for her." My boss had no idea how old I was and assumed I was his age. When she found out, she said "Too bad, I thought they'd make a cute couple." So now.......I am devasted. If I pursue this...if we pursue this...is this what we have to look forward too? Is the age difference too weird? Is it completely out of the question? He still doesn't know exactly how old I truly am. He asked me how old I was and I told him to guess. He said "29"? I responded, "good guess." So, technically I didn't lie and the fact that he didn't stop showing interest after that tells me that he is okay with me being a little bit older. It's just he thinks I am three years older...not five. He's made a comment one day about not having an issue with going out with an older woman. But I am scared that five years is too much.

Sorry if I rambled. I am just confused and need some advice.

Hi, and welcome to Ageless!!

I am never sure how to put this without seeming rude, but... 5.5 years is not an age gap!!!!! Seriously. It should be a non-issue. It's strange that your friends/co-workers even notice or care about it.

But... it doesn't matter what they think. What do you think?

I really feel sad that you think it's such a big deal. I'm not sure why.

tara~

Welcome to ageless. Stick around here and read some of the posts, you will find huge age gaps in some of the relationships. 18-30 years give or take. There are some smaller, not sure about larger but it gives you an idea.

Your coworkers making those comments must not get out much, lol. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. I am sure it's not even noticable that the two of you have an age gap.

If you truly have feelings for this guy, go for it. Life is too short to pass up a great love. You don't find that chemistry with someone every day, you better grasp onto it and cherish it, right here and right now. If others don't like it, tell them where they can stick it!;)

Let us know how it's going.:D

Welcome to agelesslove taratori!

I think that your co-workers and friends who feel that you have an age gap are living in the dark ages. Stick around here and you'll find many successful relationships with much larger gaps.

As long as neither of you is in a supervisory position over the other one at work, then I say go for it. Be honest with him about your age, just so he knows, but it really shouldn't matter.


Katrina (46) engaged to Remi (27)

Hi Taratori:

Age is really just the number of years you've walked this planet. It has nothing to do with life experience, inner wisdom, and the ability to love and be loved. I've had crushes on men much older than I am, and on men about 15 years younger than I am. I was wildly in love with a 75 year old professor. He was "old-looking", but I adored him. To me, he was all man and beautiful. And, I had liked someone who was considerably younger than I am. What this tells me is that it is the soul of the person we connect with - the body is just window-dressing. If you genuinely feel that special chemistry, that connection, you MUST act upon it. I've encountered several narrow-minded people that not only comment on age, but think a woman is ridiculous if her significant other is a different race, a different religion, or the most ridiculous, SHORTER than her. We have this neanderthal notion that men must be older, bigger, taller and hairier (which is not always the case LOL). It is his heart that you love. Work relationships are treacherous, I'm going through a thorny patch myself with one. But, if the feelings are mutual and the only drawback is what others think, be true to yourself and listen to that inner voice. He just may be the love of your life.

I wish you all the best. Keep us posted on how things are. Good luck!!!!

Time :)

Thank you to everyone for their support and wisdom. Your words have put my mind at ease. I agree with the fact that five years is not much of a difference. I also agree that I should not worry about what others think. (A problem I have been working on for many years.) I just hope if I do act on it, that he will not be against it because of age. I understand that a man his age is looking forward to marriage and children. Maybe he wants someone younger. I just don't want to let my heart get any more involved than it already is, if he rejects the idea.

As for the work situation. He is working with my group temporarily and is looking for another job within the company. This could mean that he stays in this state or relocates somewhere else. So, in a way I am putting my feeling on hold. Or at least, I am trying to. Unfortunately, my heart is not letting me. She keeps pushing forward.

I'd say workplace relationships are a big no no personally. Never been in one but I've worked with people in one and it was a huge distraction to everyone on the entire floor of our company. I'd go crazy in that situation.

Five years is nothing, everyone I ever met within 5 years within of my age didn't look older/younger. I've even met people within 10 years who didn't look it.

Originally posted by taratori658
I understand that a man his age is looking forward to marriage and children. Maybe he wants someone younger.

You are only 32!! That's not old at all!

Besides, not all men want that.

I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 20, and we've discussed it and he knows that if we are going to have a family together, my personal preference is to have it by the time I'm 35. He's okay with that.

Good luck with this! :D I agree with 1love -- your coworkers probably don't get out much... they need to get a life! :)

Hmmmm . . . why don't you ask your boss if he were 5.5 years older than you, would you be too young for him? :confused:

That's absurd. In my opinion, the differences between your ages is not a problem at all. But that's coming from a woman who is 25 years older than her sweetie. :D

However, I too have a problem with workplace romances. You will hear from some on this board who have done it and had it work. But by and far, most of them have a potential for disaster. If you really care for this guy, pursue it and let him know how you feel, but be careful. And how does your employer feel about workplace relationships? Some don't allow it at all.

Good Luck.

Hi taratori,

I'm sorry, but your story makes me laugh. You work with some super-conservative people, and you really need to completely ignore their comments. Taken to heart, the only person they'd be happy about you getting with would be someone off `bold and the beautful' (and even then you'd get a bunch of negative comments out of envy). You're dealing with fragile, small minds and if you are going to make judgements about your life based on their small capaciity for individual thought, you're in big trouble.

Instead, spend a bit of time here. The women and men here have amazing minds and you will recieve support and friendship for your own way of thinking (as you deserve).

Welcome!

Thank you Bella. I agree. I think I just needed to hear all of these open-minded thoughts to get back on track. This man makes me smile and he makes me feel special. I am not going to let a few years stand in our way from perhaps having something really special together. Even if nothing developes romantically right away, I know that I have a true friendship there. But, with each day that passes, I find myself anticipating the next time we share a moment. I am looking forward to Tuesday morning. Now that I have had this conversation with my coworkers, I am concerned that they will be watching more closely to every interaction I have with him. Then again, I don't think I should censor myself..or try to hide my feelings. Being around him, I get that gushy feeling inside that I have been missing for awhile (my last relationship was a heartbreaker..another YM by two years.) But my current prospect is more mature than most 30+ men that I have come in contact with.

Originally posted by Bella_D
You work with some super-conservative people, and you really need to completely ignore their comments.

That's exactly what came to my mind, too! Do these people still exist?

My boyfriend is 16 years younger and we didn't have to hide this from anyone, nobody said a word! It was not the case here in Europe when I dated someone 15 years younger, though. I lost friends and his mother threatened to commit suicide! But you know what they say about Europe, everything is so old! ;)

Run away from small-minded people! Oops, you can't! :p So just ignore them!

And do us a favour, tell your younger man your real age in one of those times you are hanging out together. It's not good to lie or omit your age. You will regret it if you two start something.

I agree with Maria. The fact that you lied to him could turn out to be the biggest problem between you. You need to tell him the truth and apologize. Your age gap is really insignificant.

When your friend made that comment about you being too old for him, you should have looked her straight in the eyes and said "No, I'm not!". But, I am a little concerned about all the comments your boss is making. She may be trying to send you a message that she is keeping her eye on you and thinks that you are spending too much time obviously flirting with the guy. It is her job, after all.

Since you have not ever really dated the guy, your feelings do seem to be excessive for the situation. Why don't you ask him to do something with you on the weekend? That way, if he declines and does not suggest an alternate occasion, you can be pretty sure that he considers your relationship just an office flirt--something to while away the time at work. If he accepts, then you guys can cool things at work and cultivate the relationship in real life, where it belongs.

In agreement with all the posts before mine, that's barely an age gap and even if it was bigger it doesnt matter anyway.

Not to be rude or dismiss your feelings but you've got this great opportunity right in your lap and you are letting it slip away because of a few years difference in age and a jealous "mutual friend". Assuming she's female, available, and finds him attractive I'm just so sure she'd turn him down if he was making eyes at her..riiiiiigggght. :) You both find each other attractive, he's made it quite clear that he's taken with you, and you're taken with him.
What are you waiting for??? :D

Hi: Like everyone else I believe that a 5.5 year difference isn't worth talking about. Just make sure he knows your correct age. My daughter is married to a man 5 years her senior. and my youngest son is married to a woman 8 years his senior. Both marriages are doing well. and have been for over 11 years.
Your boss seems to think you two would make a cute couple. And feel a lot of sympathy for the person who thought an age diference had anything to do with an adult relationship.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond to my "problem".

Update:

Just as things started progressing and I was becoming more aware that this situation could have a positive outcome for both of us...my boss told him that he is banned from my desk. I am still not sure if she was kidding or not. According to my coworkers, he came by my desk when I wasn't there and she told him that she has received several complaints that he has been at my desk too much. He was crushed. He found me and told me what she said. My boss was feeling under the weather that day, so I never REALLY got a chance to confirm or deny the accuracy of the request. If people have complained...they really need to get a life and stay out of mine!! If it was just a joke, I think he has seen it as a bright neon sign that maybe he is showing me too much attention and it scared him. He hardly talked to me the rest of the day. I saw him in the hallway and he waved and didn't say a word. I e-mailed him and asked him to dinner but, he told me he was contemplating going to a happy hour, but he would let me know. When he was walking out to leave, I called to him and said "So, no dinner then?" He came back and told me a friend and I could come to the happy hour, but he wasn't really up for dinner. I jokingly said, "Rejecting me again? I see how you are."
Then he said "We can't mix what goes on in here, with what goes on out there." I was shocked. He said it was a line from "Old School." He seemed like he was joking, but I took it as serious.

So, I am confused again. Do I try to pursue this knowing that I am being watched at work? Do I try to make plans with him outside of work?

Arghhhhhhh I need everyone's help :)

First off, I agree with everyone else...no age gap...but you need to tell him your age.

I have a friend at work who's 25, he and I have hit it off quite well, people say the same thing about us, we're like an old married couple. In May, he and I along with his roommate and another co worker went to the Bahamas for Memorial Day weekend and plan on going again in December this time with his family and my nieces and nephew. His family I've meet already. His mom is like 6 years older then me, I'm 44.

We're always at each others desk or on the phone with each other (and we're only 3 feet away from each other) but our manager gets antsy if we stand by each other's desk too much so we use the phone.

Yesterday we were told that our office as of August 18 will be closing, we're both travel agents and we enjoy each other's company so much, we're looking to get a job again for same company. Although its not romantic relationship, I never saw him that way and when we meet I was in a LDR, we've bonded so well that I'm sure we'll be friends forever.

It's not easy doing an office romance, we have one that resulted in a child and now he's decided he doesn't want to be with her and doesn't know how to get out of it while they're working at the company. I'm sure its going to be cut off after the company closes as he will not have any excuse to be with her anymore.

If all it took for this guy to cut you off was some remark your boss made, then he's just a bit lame and lacks imagination. If he were really interested, dinner would've been perfect and anything outside of work is up for grabs. As for your boss, if she feels the guy was at your desk way too much, or others complained about it, it is her business to keep some measure of protocol, this is the workplace after all, and considering that you told her you weren't interested in him, she may have taken it as a fact that this guy bugged you way too much and was trying to do you a favour.

If you really like this guy, there's some damage control you're going to have to implement. your boss may have damper his spirits but you're going to have to decide if you really want to pursue this or not.

good luck, paris

Taratori ~

I'm new to the ow/ym situation as well. I would have to agree that 5.5 years is not a big deal. To ring in, our 'age gap' is 16 years. (38 and 22)

The two things you might consider more important than the small difference in your ages are:

1. Being honest about your age. Honesty is an across-the-board issue. I'm a firm believer that you can't be honest/ethical in some areas of your life and not in others. You can't keep your life compartmentalized. You're either an honest person, or you're not. I can't live relationships or friendships that are not completely honest and real. If you start off with little fibs or incomplete truths, what does that say for the future?

2. The workplace romance thing. Now, I work for a company where it is not uncommon for people to be married or have significant others in the same office. Some were together before they were both onboard. Some met at work. Given the nature of our business (environmental), it is common for employees to have a personal attachment and interest in their work. Working closely with folks who have the same interests both personally and professionally can produce relationships with common ground.

That said, I've seen more workplace romances lead to discomfort, and more, than I've seen workout. My personal 'rule' is not to date in the workplace. If I fell madly in love at work, yes, I would ignore this rule. If I just felt an interest or attraction, I'd enjoy it for just that and keep my personal nose out of it.

Just my penny and a half.

I agree with some of you that having a relationship with someone at work is a disaster waiting to happen. Believe me, I have been there before and it did not end pretty. He was also younger than me, by about three years. After that relationship, I swore that I would never allow myself to have feeling for someone:

A: That I work with
B: Someone younger than me

But, as most of you know - you can't keep your heart from feeling what it wants to feel. In fact, it feels like situations like this take on a life of their own. I tried very hard NOT to like him. If only he was a jerk or stopped talking to me...something...anything.

But, alas after the whole "banning" from my desk fiasco. It seems that he has began to be a little bit more creative. He came to my desk three times today. He didn't linger too long. Just asked for my help on trivial little things that he could have asked anyone. Just an excuse I am sure to come to my desk. I love it, it makes me smile. Later in the afternoon, he actually stood there for a few minutes. I told him, "It's weird to see you here, I really missed you." He turned to my boss and said, "You hear that, I'm being missed." My boss just grinned and he winked at me. So cute ;)

Anyway, I am having a little get together after work tomorrow. I invited a whole bunch of people via e-mail. I am hoping that he will come. He has flaked on me the last couple of times. Like last week and the dinner offer.

I don't get it. Perhaps he is just flirting to pass the time. But, why start making the effort again after he was told that he couldn't come around. Why not let that be his out? That's why I am thinking there may be something more to this. Sorry if I am rambling, this is the ONLY outlet I have to voice these thoughts. I haven't told a soul how I feel about this man.