2 Years older than me

Hi,
I have been with my girl for 7 years (4 of which long distance) and we are now preparing for wedding in a couple of months.
My girl is 2.5 years older than me. Shouldn’t be very significant. I am turning 29 in few months and she turned 31 few months ago.
my issue is that i had a lot of hammering (for the whole 7 years) from my folks about marrying someone older than me not younger (such as 23 or 24) or at least in my age. of course the normal reasons are: people will talk, she would look older than me and age before me, and then the issue of kids. Since I would like to have some time (at least a couple of years) of marriage before having kids, she would be around 35 when we start thinking of kids.

One of the main techniques my folks used against me was that the girl is not nice and not beautiful. after few years of hearing this, I am sort of convinced every time I look at her that she is not beautiful (or maybe anymore).
I admit that this girl is not my gorgeous lovely dream girl that I used to dream of when I was a kid. She is not even a girl I would classify as pretty if I see her walking on the street. But when there is more than just the “look”, how you look doesn’t matter anymore.
since everything else is more than perfect between us (for 7 years), her look shouldbn't be a big issue for me.

Anyways, now for the past few months, I have been having a terrible feeling that goes on/off that I don’t like the look of this girl anymore, I don’t want to spend my life with a girl older than me, making a very big deal about this 2 year difference. That I am now obliged to continue with her, and so on.

Some friends told me this is a normal feeling before wedding because of all the pressure.
Others think I am very affected by my parents’ talk and this should go after wedding. -- I hope.
I am convinced that some cosmetics make things better. And problem should be solved.

But because of all these ideas in my head, I would like to hear from experts who have passed through tougher situations. As we grow older, would the 2 years make a difference?! Would it become a bigger problem ? (me being 45 and she 47 instead of 42?!)

I don’t know if men at that age would look backward at girls in the 30’s? if that is true, why do people marry in their same age not women 10 years younger ? :confused:

No offence to anyone .. just looking for some help. :confused:
Thanks
Young guy

:eek:

The 2 years may as well be 2 minutes for all they are worth honey. Seriously....I think that maybe the age issue has been magnified and fixated upon to the point of distortion. Perhaps your parents commentary has completely thrown the situation out of perspective and out of whack for you.
I would be interested to know....if this woman you are marrying were 22 and suddenly had a medical condition that made her lose or gain an amount of weight that made her body less than ideal by society's standards(or your parents' standards)...OR....if this woman were 20 and tomorrow (God forbid) were in a horrible accident that left her scarred or an amputee----would you love this woman any less? Would you want to spend your life with her? DO YOU want to spend your life with her, and if so why??
I think the 2 years thing is distracting you from a real issue somewhere in there.
Do you love her? Because if you love her you find her beautiful and yes, even when she's 47 and you're 45, she'll be beautiful.....what else is going on here????

Oh and welcome to Ageless...

I think you may like her, see her as a friend, but I don't feel love there.

Sometimes I look at people I was in love with in the past and think, oh, they were not really handsome, but you know what, for years I found them handsome and attractive, while the feeling of loving someone was there, I couldn't see them otherwise.

The truth is, maybe we are aware that our partner is not the model of beauty everyone has, but beauty is really something more than just looks, when you love your child, you don't really see if she's beautiful or not. Or our parents. The feelings you have for those people stop you from being critical.

I understand though, that for a romantic relationship there must be physical attraction, but that's when love comes in. You may find beautiful what others don't. You may be attracted to her body and her face even if she would be considered ugly under our present beauty standards.

In short, when you are in love, you see beauty in your partner. When you love, you grow old together loving each part of your partner's body, wrinkles and cellulite and everything, because that's the body that allows your partner to be in this world with you, that's the body that caresses you, that is close to you all the time. It's the body that carries your soulmate.

When we meet someone, some of us need to feel physically attracted to this person, and that is my case. I need to see physical beauty in my partner, and what is beauty for me may not be for you. But once I love this person, the changes that may occur to his body don't affect me at all.

All this to say to you, I don't think you love this woman. I would tell you not to get married to her right now, marriage is a big step, you may hurt her beyond your imagination if you do, having all the doubts you have right now.

You don't seem mature enough and this situation is getting too long, she deserves the chance to find a man who will be crazy about her in all senses. And believe me, there are men who would adore her, because we are not all the same, and we all see beauty in different ways. Give her the chance to be loved like a man would love his princess.

Hi and welcome to agelesslove.

I agree with Ravenglow. As I read your post, I was thinking to myself, "hmmmm. maybe there's more to this."

Are you absolutely certain you love her? Because, after 7 years, and after what you describe as a very good relationship, I am having trouble understanding how her physical features would suddenly become an issue to you just before the wedding.

Is it possible that subconsciously you are looking for an excuse to get out of this marriage? Is it possible that you do in fact have reservations about marrying her at all?

The 2 yr age difference is absolutely nothing. I was 2 yrs older than my first husband and it definitely was not our age difference that broke us up. Like you, he had cold feet just before the wedding, but decided to marry me anyway. It was a big mistake. He didn't really love me and soon began looking for love elsewhere. I'm not saying you'd do that, but you need to think long and hard about why you are having cold feet.

You are 28 years old. If you really feel that your parents can influence your thinking that much about the woman you love, then maybe you are not ready for marriage.

I really hope you can sort this out soon. Not just for your sake, but for your bride's sake. I would encourage you to go talk with a counselor as soon as possible to help sort out your feelings.

Good luck to you. :)

Whiterose (46) engaged to Remi (27)

Originally posted by Youngguy2004
...Anyways, now for the past few months, I have been having a terrible feeling that goes on/off that I don’t like the look of this girl anymore, I don’t want to spend my life with a girl older than me, making a very big deal about this 2 year difference. That I am now obliged to continue with her, and so on.
...

Ok, I am not in a talkative mood so I will keep this one short ...:
Sounds to me, you are NOT really committed, due to whatever reasons, parents, society, your own "dreams" - whatever ...

So, imo, do yourself and your g/f the favour and break off rather now than 2- 5 years down the line ... ;)

My opininion ofc, and based on the fact that I'd be single than having a "partner" who feels so uncertain about our relationship ...

Originally posted by Youngguy2004
...Some friends told me this is a normal feeling before wedding because of all the pressure.
Others think I am very affected by my parents’ talk and this should go after wedding. -- I hope.
I am convinced that some cosmetics make things better. And problem should be solved.
...
Imo, dream on if you believe either of this ... ;)

No offense meant, I am not blaming you for the way you feel, but I think it's time to smell the roses and see that the things don't seem to be for "you" ...
Gl...

Wow.

2 years is so irrelevant it's not even funny. Even when I was 13 (remember back when we were kids when every year made a huge difference?) my best friend was 11. And we felt no age difference.

Sounds like you are no longer in love with or attracted to this person. You should not proceed with a wedding when you feel so unsure... that is so unfair to her and to yourself. That doesn't mean you should necessarily break up.

As for your parents: no offense, but they sound ridiculously shallow. Why on earth should a parent care about whether or not their child's choice of mate is considered attractive by society's standards??

Do you consider women to only have value in direct correlation to their attractiveness? I'm serious. Is this a value that was passed on to you from your parents? Because it sounds like this is what they feel, and that you are starting to feel that way.

Well, let me tell you something. Plenty-a-man has married a woman his age or younger, and after she has had a couple kids, he has decided that he didn't find her attractive anymore and he split.

If this is even a possibility for you, do the world a favour and don't get married.

BTW, maybe it's just me, but I feel seriously offended after reading your post. I know you didn't mean to do that, and that you are just brainwashed by your parents' shallow views... but I feel like you look down on women... that we are only here to be pretty and young, and as soon as we aren't anymore, we are no longer of value.

And I still consider myself pretty and young. But just the fact that there are people like you who think that way makes me feel very discouraged and it makes me lose even more faith in people.

That is not an attack. Just evidence that I think the views your parents are espousing in you are harmful and stupid.

Welcome to Ageless Young guy

Uh, yeah, 2 years is nothing my friend.
I am 6 years older than my ex, I'm 47 and he is 41
and I still look younger than he does.
(And age played no part as to why we divorced)
Hey- he still thinks I am the most beautiful woman he's known.

You never know-
you might age quicker than your woman?

I think you are experiencing "cold feet" in regard
to getting married and you need to find the root of
the real problem.
It's not the age of your woman, it's, (much) more than that.

And Ravenglow is right-
so many things can rob us of the way we look.
Who knows, it could be you that suffers a terrible car
accident and your face ends up resembling Leatherface
from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre".

Please don't allow shallow reasoning to
mask a deeper problem.
You need to do some digging my friend and get to
the heart of the matter.

Good luck!



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">They say theres a place
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They never said where
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Originally posted by ravenglow
:eek:
The 2 years may as well be 2 minutes for all they are worth honey. Seriously....I think that maybe the age issue has been magnified and fixated upon to the point of distortion. Perhaps your parents commentary has completely thrown the situation out of perspective and out of whack for you.
I would be interested to know....if this woman you are marrying were 22 and suddenly had a medical condition that made her lose or gain an amount of weight that made her body less than ideal by society's standards(or your parents' standards)...OR....if this woman were 20 and tomorrow (God forbid) were in a horrible accident that left her scarred or an amputee----would you love this woman any less? Would you want to spend your life with her? DO YOU want to spend your life with her, and if so why??
I think the 2 years thing is distracting you from a real issue somewhere in there.
Do you love her? Because if you love her you find her beautiful and yes, even when she's 47 and you're 45, she'll be beautiful.....what else is going on here????

Oh and welcome to Ageless...
Excellent post, Raven. You said everything that I was thinking. I have read the most beautiful, touching stories about people who were so much in love with their partner that when the partner was burned beyond recognition or was horribly disfigured in an accident or lost body parts to cancer, they stayed with the partner and continued to love that person as much as or more than before. Exterior beauty eventually fades. Your parents seem pretty superficial.

i agree with maria, it is very important to have attraction in a love or marriage relationship, you have learned alot of lessons, the most huge is that you allowed outside interference to effect how YOU felt about a person. i really dont blame you as i have done the same in my past, not even a parent can see inside a childs heart, and a good parent wants the child to be happy, there is nothing more important than that. Never allow anyone into your head and heart like that again...... now YOU have to repair the damage. seek friends that support and trust your decisions, you are entitled to that. falling in love is really an affair of the heart and does not need to be ripped apart by ANYONE.

YOU CANNOT LIVE YOUR LIFE TO PLEASE YOUR PARENTS.

but if this has transended your parents beliefs and now you feel this way about this woman, it is time for you to really think this thru... you dont want to hurt her or yourself. take care, kitty

I wouldn't want to be in your fiancee's shoes, because I wouldn't want to be on the brink of marrying someone who could possibly describe me as "not even a girl I would classify as pretty if I see her walking on the street". Why are you marrying her if she fails to meet the standard of your "dream"??

If you are intent on following through with this marriage, perhaps you should have her breast cancer risk assessed as well -- God only knows, with your superficial attitude, she would become even more repulsive to you if she were to have a mastectomy at some future time. Better to determine the likelihood of that now. :rolleyes:

Most women I know have waited until their mid-thirties to have children, after establishing themselves professionally, and attaining some financial security. My parents have a 2 1/2 yr OW/YM gap, and have been married for 42 years -- my mother has aged (physically) much more rapidly than my father has. The minute age gap between you is NOT the problem here!

What country do you live in? You seem to be from a country where prospective brides are treated like objects rather than human beings. It sounds more like you and your parents are buying a car rather than planning a union of two souls passionately desiring to intertwine their lives forever. I agree with the other members who advise you not to marry this woman. Set her free to find a man who will truly love her.

Wow! I think you really should do this girl the biggest favor you could ever do for her and call off the wedding. I would hate to think anyone was marrying me and feeling about me the way you have described your feelings for her. And if you feel this way now, do you think you are going to change the way you feel after you say the vows? I don't think so. I agree with the others that you are using 2 years to cover up what may be the real issues at hand.

Two years?? I am 25 years older than Joe. Does that bother me? Nope. Does it bother him? Nope. Does he think I'm a dried up old prune? Nope.

The bottom line is that if I were going to marry anyone I would not expect to be their all and everything. We all need things in our lives besides our significant others. BUT I would expect to be his all and everything in what he is looking for in a woman and if that were not the case, I would appreciate it very much if he would enlighten me to that fact BEFORE I went to the alter with him and made a lifetime commitment to him.

Yes, it may hurt at first, but better to hurt a little now than to be devastated later.

You have some serious soul searching to do and, for this girl's sake, I hope you do it soon.

I know you are really concerned, but like Peachy says do this girla favor and let her know and go. You think 2.5 years is long I have 30 with my guy and every day I think yes, he will find someone more beautiful, younger, someone tht would suit him more . And to hear you say 2.5 years is too much, really reminds me of my own fears. I am not criticizing you but, maybe it is too soon for you to marry, maybe you arent mature enough for this relationship. But in the end you must please yourself and make urself happy, no one else will. The best you could do now in my opinion would be not to marry

Originally posted by Youngguy2004
One of the main techniques my folks used against me was that the girl is not nice and not beautiful. after few years of hearing this, I am sort of convinced every time I look at her that she is not beautiful (or maybe anymore).

Dang dude, you got some personal issues here! You've already let other people control how you feel and what they think. Now, the result of you letting them has only made you think selfishly of yourself!


I admit that this girl is not my gorgeous lovely dream girl that I used to dream of when I was a kid. She is not even a girl I would classify as pretty if I see her walking on the street. But when there is more than just the “look”, how you look doesn’t matter anymore. since everything else is more than perfect between us (for 7 years), her look shouldbn't be a big issue for me.

Good gawd! I'd hate to be her right now! I wouldn't want someone I was with to put me down like that and be unattractive to them as far as looks are concerned! True, no relationship should stem on looks alone, BUT, when you're with someone, especially someone you intend to marry, that person is one of the most beautiful things on earth!


Anyways, now for the past few months, I have been having a terrible feeling that goes on/off that I don’t like the look of this girl anymore, I don’t want to spend my life with a girl older than me, making a very big deal about this 2 year difference. That I am now obliged to continue with her, and so on.

Hehe. . . it's simple: Do HER a favor and leave! I'm sure she could find a much, much better-looking person herself (since you're so concerned about the "looks" aspect), that actually adores her and KNOWS she's beautiful!


Others think I am very affected by my parents’ talk and this should go after wedding. -- I hope. I am convinced that some cosmetics make things better. And problem should be solved.

Well, I think you are very immature to even consider a relationship. And if you are worried about "cosmetic make-up," then I suggest you take a Marriage/Family Relationships class at your local community college to learn the dynamics and values of unconditional love between people.


As we grow older, would the 2 years make a difference?! Would it become a bigger problem ? (me being 45 and she 47 instead of 42?!)

Not a problem. And I think YOU see that clearly. I mean, afterall, you do have a clear picture on her looks right? Hmmmpfff! As a matter of fact, my OW, Peachy just stated that when you're 45 and your future wife is 47, she would look a helluva lot better than you, as older women DO age quite well, if I do say so myself! :D


I don’t know if men at that age would look backward at girls in the 30’s? if that is true, why do people marry in their same age not women 10 years younger ?

I am still confused on how you can convolute "cosmetics" and a "two year age gap" in a self-justified manner about this poor woman you are suppose to marry!?!?!?!?!?!

I think the best thing for you to do is to send her this link: How to run from DANGER and find a safe place! (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/) and leave her alone. You don't deserve each other!

Joe, VERY well put!! :)

And another big "ditto" to all, especially you, Joe! I would run like hell myself if I thought that the man I was supposed to marry thought of me the way you are thinking of this poor woman. And to think, she has given you 7 years of her life! :mad:

Nicely said, Joe and all the other posters...

The original poster is really beyond belief to me!

Thanks all for your efforts to answer my question marks. And thanks kitty for your post. I have really learned a lot from all of you and believe I am out of this thread as a new person looking at things a lot more different.
It is true that I got brainwashed because I was never like that. I met this girl at university where there were lots of pretty girls and still I choose her. Never looked elsewhere, never cheated, never anything. I always saw her as excellent. But it is just recently that things started to change and I believe we are all human and do get affected by what we keep on hearing.
And I am seeking friends who will support my decision; that is why I posted here and I was as frank as possible. No offence again especially to PinkCat.

But still 1 question. Does this mean that you don’t get attracted to others when you are in true love. Or it just won’t matter to you when you see someone pretty?
Thanks again.

Hi Youngguy, I am hoping that some of the guys will answer your question because I truly believe they view this matter differently than women do.

I think it's natural to observe other people and it's ok to notice if someone else looks attractive, but what matters most is how you feel about your partner. Is she the only one you want to be with? Is she someone you can see yourself sharing your life with?

I believe you said you've been with her about 7 years. It's normal for people to have a "7 year itch". That's the point when you start asking yourself if you really can go the rest of your life being involved only with that same woman. And, now, you are on the eve of getting married. So, it's natural to question yourself about whether you are doing the right thing.

I hope that you'll get all your feelings sorted out quickly so that you are 100% certain about whether to marry her. You don't want to marry her just because you feel obligated. It's best to end it now, if necessary, rather than marry her and then have to go through an ugly divorce later. Or, another possibility would be to postpone the wedding to give yourself more time. Explore these feelings more deeply and you will find the answers.

You have taken to their brainwashing very well. It would seem that this relationship is doomed unless you mature a lot more than you have. A big part of growing up is to learn what to pay attention to and what to ignore. If you are going to continue to be a sponge for whatever crap pours out of someone's mouth then you are going to spend your life living by other people's standards. And YES, that does include your parents.

Your values are that of a young teen. Beauty is all, a wife must remain beautiful throughout her life, if she doesn't you can dump her for a younger one. If she isn't beautiful enough to suit me at the moment it is up to her to use cosmetics or whatever it takes to enhance herself to meet my standards. I, by the way, have no responsibilty to try to look terrific for her, or to mature enough to have *adult standards*.

I know you have been honest and that took nerve, but you have to understand how immature and superficial what you are saying is. You have no business marrying her or anyone untl you get your act together. Marriage isn't something that you do for fun. It's a serious committment and can result in the birth of children. Having children and then dumping your wife can result in child support payments that keep you broke for the next 18 years. Think about that.

You ask: "Does this mean that you don’t get attracted to others when you are in true love. Or it just won’t matter to you when you see someone pretty?"

When you are in love -- really in love -- seeing a beautiful woman (or handsome man) is interesting...nothing more. You might even comment on them if they are unusually attractive and then forget about them because they are only a pretty face on a stranger and they mean nothing to you. If you interact with them, say at work, you note they are attractive and may even enjoy being around them, but attraction isn't love. Love is what you get when you go home at night. Sex is all you may get from this woman, that and pain, and divorce and that money pit called Support.

No one can help you, but you. If you aren't 100% sure that she is THE ONE and always will be -- don't get married!

Jane (56) who is happily married to Dave (30)

I seriously hope you consider all the advice given here. In all honesty, you say you are 29, but sound more like a teenager. Would you want your wife to be thinking the thoughts you are thinking? Would you marry her knowing she felt the way you do? How sad for both of you. :(

I agree with Gen, the OP seems like his maturity level is at around 16 years old...and how would you feel if your bride to be felt you were not attractive enough but that she was obligated to marry you? Pretty cruddy Im sure.
Also, Nessa I do wonder what culture/background the OP comes from....that seems like it would also be a factor here.....seems as though the wife must be something of a trophy or symbol of success....although there are certainly men of all cultures and backgrounds who objectify women this way....we need more info, OP!

Originally posted by ravenglow
I agree with Gen, the OP seems like his maturity level is at around 16 years old......
Lol, actually, that was my first thought when reading the original post - like a young teen "acting" older ...
Decided not to comment on it, tho, but deffo felt the same as you and Gen ;)

Originally posted by ravenglow
: you find her beautiful and yes, even when she's 47 and you're 45, she'll be beautiful.....



Speaking of beautiful.. *sigh*






Sorry Youngguy, I got sidetracked there for a moment. Forgive me.



Originally posted by Youngguy2004


But still 1 question. Does this mean that you don’t get attracted to others when you are in true love. Or it just won’t matter to you when you see someone pretty?
Thanks again.

When you're in love you just don't notice anyone else. Its when needs are not met, promises are broken, and kindness is forgotten that your eye will start to stray.

When you're in love, Youngguy, you don't notice the flaws that the person you love has. Actually, you don't even see them as flaws but as things that make her unique, or desirable in a way completely exclusive to you. It doesn't matter what your parents, your friends, or the couple eating next to you at the local Denny's thinks of her. YOU think she's beautiful so therefore is is. Period.

Reading what you wrote made me feel sad. Sad for you and sad for the woman that was unfortunate enough to find you when you are still a boy and not yet a grown man. I don't mean this with malice or ill feeling. You're young and haven't had enough experience with the world to understand where you, as a person, begin and your where your parents' influence ends. Until you've got some steel in your spine, can stand your ground to your parents and protect the woman you love..you don't deserve her, nor should you be in a relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

EDIT: I just re-read your post and saw that you are 29! :eek:
I just don't know what to say to that. I really don't. *shakes head*

Youngguy I'm going to disagree a bit. When you are in love you do notice other person's beauty...but you CHOOSE not to make it an issue in your relationship. Who can't help but notice someone else being attractive...it's what you do then that makes it love. When I'm in love I still think that Orlando Bloom is a god or that the man next door is hot...but it's an abstraction...not a reality.

I had a guy, younger than me by 10 years, who allowed his family to make a decision about our relationship. And we broke off one of the best relationships that I've ever had...we were totally in love, totally compatible, etc. But he couldn't deal with his family being upset about a 10 yr difference...despite the fact I am well educated, very attractive, look about 28 (and looked even younger at that point), etc. It's a shame that he took his family's side over our love. The point being - if you truly love this woman, if you want to have her in your life, then tell your family to stop. Tell them that this woman is very important to you. Tell them that you have found someone who treats you as you want to be treated. Tell them that you can't have them telling you that she is wrong for you just because of a measly 2 frickin years. In a few years 2 will be nothing!!! Right now it's nothing.

If you can't do that, then break it off right now. I'm glad that my guy allowed me the time to find a new way of life without him. If he hadn't broken it off when he did I would have been without a job, without a life - he would have taken it all away. Don't continue unless you can be man enough to stand up to your family.

Also, I get the feeling that if she decided to end it you would
want her back!
Maybe it was HER that chose you inspite of your looks or whatever shortcoming you might have. Just a thought :)

I sort of know how you feel , man. I used to date my high school English teacher (and we still see each other here and there). She's 38, I'm 21---needless to say, that's a lot more than 2.5 years. The dates we have been on have been the best of my life. People did talk about us--especially because she used to be my teahcer. People said a lot of stuff--they especially questioned if we had a romantic relationship while I was her student (the answer was NO). Anyway, as far as looks go, she was not the girl of my chilhood dreams. I was very attracted to her, and totally in love with her personality. She is the coolest oman I've ever met. I was perfectly content with the situation. What I'm trying to say, is that 2.5 years is really meaningless. I don't think that she could possibly look that much older than you, I really find it hard to believe that people would "talk" about the age difference. When I was with my former teahcer, there was a noticable age difference, however, most people think I'm anywhere between 25 and 30. I'm an adult, she's an adult, so what? I agree with the others that you are using her age as a cover for more serious problems. I've never been in a 7 year relationship, but I have ended relationships when I thought there was a serious problem. I think you should do some soul searching before you get married. Marriage is sacred in my opinion, and if you have negative feeling for this woman, you should end it for both of your sakes.