Going "public" here...at Ageless

I have a question:

When two people connect here at Ageless and begin
a nice little, (close), friendship,
do you think it benefits the couple to make
that friendship public here at Ageless?
Or do you think is hinders the friendship?

Maybe this question has been adressed in
another thread and I apologise for starting another
if there is one out there.

I just have to wonder about this after witnessing
some of the more "unhappy" situations that became so
public between some Ageless couples here.

Then, on the other hand, it seems to unify the couple
a little bit in their situation being known here.

To the couples that have gone
public here:
Are you glad that you did and you have found
being public enriches your relationship or have you
found in causes more stress and you wish you had not
gone public here?

Thanks for your input....



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">They say theres a place
where dreams have all gone
They never said where
but I think I know
Its miles through the night
just over the dawn
On the road
that will take me home</FONT>
<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Mary Fahl</FONT>

I think I can answer that easily!

For me, and I think Jason shares my opinion, we were members before we fell in love, and it would have been strange to keep our relationship secret in a place full of friends, and where we felt comfortable enough to one day come with a question, be helped and get wonderful advice. That was exactly our case.

We did keep it quiet until we met and were sure that we were starting something serious. There were some posts that indicated some flirting, but never anything more than that, because we couldn't be sure of the outcome.

We are very similar personalities in the sense that we don't like to share our dirty laundry. We would never come here to call each other names, to play with each other's privacy just because we got angry. I am here exactly as I am in real life, if I have a disagreement with Jason, we can still go visit a friend or his parents, or go to some appointment we had already scheduled, and nobody will know about it.

Now, if one day I really needed advice on a serious problem between the two of us, yes, I would feel embarassed to post it. Most probably I would not post, unless he agreed and really it would depend a lot on the situation. I would never come public in a way that would make him feel embarassed.

We both belonged to the site before we fell in love, there's nothing we can do about it, and we don't really have a problem with it, we try to show people the bright side of an age gap relationship that has no problems with age, and no problems with the distance. I really hope we bring some positive things to this site by showing people that age is just a number and love is all that matters.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sage
I have a question:

[b]When two people connect here at Ageless and begin
a nice little, (close), friendship,
do you think it benefits the couple to make
that friendship public here at Ageless?
Or do you think is hinders the friendship?

Maybe this question has been adressed in
another thread and I apologise for starting another
if there is one out there.

I just have to wonder about this after witnessing
some of the more "unhappy" situations that became so
public between some Ageless couples here.

Then, on the other hand, it seems to unify the couple
a little bit in their situation being known here.

We started getting along much better and our relationship has progressed dramatically since we decided to keep it between the two of us and not open to public opinion...again..just my experience Sage...can't and won't attempt to speak for everyone else.
To the couples that have gone
public here:
Are you glad that you did and you have found
being public enriches your relationship or have you
found in causes more stress and you wish you had not
gone public here?

Thanks for your input....

Sage..this is a loaded subject for me..so I've really had to think about how I would reply.

No, I am not glad we went public at Ageless..being public did not enrich the relationship and created a great deal of stress for us and I wish we had not gone public...things are great now..better than I had ever thought they would be...but not until we stayed away from each other here..just didn't work for us..I can't speak for everyone else..just going by my own experience. I do not recommend it....and I know Maria is familiar with our situation so she could probably vouch for me here..hehe.

However, we do read the posts together and discuss them..we just don't discuss our personal relationship on the boards.

I think that flirting is perfectly fine....for me personally I'd do what Maria and Jason did, and only go public after a face to face meeting and mutual decision to continue the relationship and to let everyone here know. :D
Even then I think posting anything too personal about the dynamics of the relationship and certainly any problems with it isnt something I'd feel comfortable with.....so it could become difficult if there are hard feelings or it comes to an unexpected end.
:rolleyes: tough situation!

I don't think much that's happened on the boards has affected our relationship one way or the other. Since we weren't really that long distance to begin with we met IRL just a couple of weeks after we met here, and were "public" from the very beginning. It just seemed natural that everyone would know about our relationship, so there was never a question about it.

Problems can occur if you post about something your partner considers private or perhaps something you should have talked to them about first. And certainly don't vent about your relationship where they can read it. I can't see a purpose for doing that except to hurt your partner out of spite. If you need a place to get objective advice about your relationship find another forum that your partner doesn't go to, but don't publicly drag them through the mud.

And for Pete's sake, if you do break up don't do it in front of the whole world. No one is owed any explanation beyond the fact that it just didn't work out. Any discussion beyond that should be conducted in private.

This is a good question, Sage. Your first question had to do with friendship. But, I'm guessing you're really talking about friendships that have turned into the potential for romance.

If I had met someone here on ageless, and there was a potential of a relationship, I would want to keep the relationship private as long as possible until we were certain it was going to be a success. And, then, I would hope that we would agree to keep our relationship private and not post really personal stuff publicly.

I am glad that Remi decided against joining. I have never posted the really personal stuff between Remi and me, but I do enjoy having a place like this where I can come to get the advice and support I need if necessary. It seems to me that it's easier to do so knowing that he is not a member and probably doesn't even read the boards at all. But, then again, if he did read this site, there's nothing here that I would not have already discussed with him in the first place.

Joe and I met at Ageless and I have never considered it a problem that we are public with our relationship. The way we flirt and banter with each other, it would be hard to hide that something is definitely going on with us.

I have always been such an open, in-your-face type of person, I'm not much into secrets and sneaking around. If it is, it is and why try to hide it?

However, I do not, have not and will not air any of my dirty laundry on this board. But so far, haven't had any to air anyway! :D

Originally posted by peachy51
The way we flirt and banter with each other, it would be hard to hide that something is definitely going on with us.

Actually I find this inspirational, Peachy!

We see lots of problems going on around the Relationship Support forum and it's just great to see that there are also happy moments, funny stories, and romantic ones that our couples share with us.

I would feel depressed if I only saw threads on sad happenings, on doubts, on break ups.

When I first joined I was thrilled to see happy people like my friend Betzguido, like Polly, and so many others, because that made me see that those couples were possible, that they were soulmates and that all the opposition I was getting was wrong!

I love happy stories and whenever a new couple is formed here, I can't avoid but feeling twice as happy. Venus and Pariah, for example. It was so sweet the way they started flirting, then met and then shared with us.

If anything, we should all praise our happy couples, they are the proof that it works. Some people thrive on other people's miseries, some say, but we prefer to thrive on happiness.

When they have no problem sharing it with us, why should we have?

((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

It's the first time I use this hugging thing, but I just felt I had to do it, Raven. It's okay,you know?

Nobody can blame you for being scared of an online relationship, even less around Ageless. I just hope you'll find someone close to you that will make you very happy, but I also hope you won't be closing any doors to a good guy in case he happens to live far away and is really the man of your life.

You just have to make sure his intentions are good and that he can come meet you!

Well my sweetie and I didn't meet on this board, and he still doesn't know about this site let alone visit it but we did meet through another board.

We kept things quiet there for quite a bit and a lot of people still don't know - not because it's a secret but because we choose not to flaunt it, it's also a huge site so short of making a sticky announcement it would be hard to tell everyone. I suppose the main reason we kept it quiet was the age gap, I was worried what people would think - he was too to begin with but soon wanted to brag a bit which was quite cute. (He can't imagine that any man doesn't want me and that they all must be desperately jealous which is even cuter ;)) It's not a relationship site, but there are quite a large number of couples that have got together, I can think of at least 5 couples that have got married in the last 2.5 years and several babies that have been born :D

We often meet up with other site members and I was very worried about what they would think, it was at one of these meetings that I first met O and a lot of them commented on how friendly we were and that they thought he fancied me. I was so sure they were wrong - but it turns out I was! So when we finally came clean some 10 months after meeting, no one said or did anything except to say how good we were together (some of the other girls really were jealous mind you - but in a good way) and it was after that we stopped hiding it on the boards too.

The only worry I have is that when we break up it turns out to be acrimonious and that one or both of us won't feel so welcome at that site - for both of us it is incredibly important and our 'home on the web'. That said as it's not a relationship site it's never somewhere I would consider posting any problems we have :)

And how's that for a longish post that reaches no conclusions whatsoever?

Can anyone tell me how many smilies we are allowed in a post? I had to edit them right down to just 3 to get my post submitted and I'm much happier than that!

Originally posted by MariaLux
I love happy stories and whenever a new couple is formed here, I can't avoid but feeling twice as happy. Venus and Pariah, for example. It was so sweet the way they started flirting, then met and then shared with us.

And it hasn't hindered our relationship at all. In fact, this place is special to both of us and we're so very happy that we met here and could share it with everyone. It's all been very positive.

Originally posted by MrsHedgeHog
*grin* would this be a good time to share our memory of a past thread, Maria?

LOL You are such a tease!

If I didnt have so many posts to go through, I would love to see that post quoted one day! Do you have the time to find it? ;)

Hugs to you, two, you are really a cool, loving couple that deserve all the happiness!

That was an interesting thread... andI still agree with myself... hehe

But!

Where I have changed and a lot is here (I'm talking about LDR):

I have said before that some of us are not made for this kind of thing. I know I am not. Once I meet someone online, even friends and my friends here know that, I have to talk to them, to see them, to go meet if I can. Some friends are too far, it's okay, but a lover? No way! I have to know everything about him. I have to! blah blah blah ...meeting is important and saves us much time and pain, in my opinion.

Ouch. In my defense I have to say I said that meeting is important and I did meet Jason before deciding I really loved him... ;)

Ah, the blah blah blah is just to make the post short, I didn't post that!

Kelley, I'm your hostage for life! :D

I joined this site when I was separated and divorce pending. I ended up meeting someone that posted on a thread I started (he was a new member) and things took off. Months later, (divorce final) he moved here to be with me, but we had trouble living together. We broke up around christmas, as he moved out to his own place and we stayed friends (sort of). Soon after the breakup, I met someone else here (a member for a while) that started off as friends, but soon become more (another LDR). We didn't publicize our connection much, but did let on that something was going on.

Unfortunately, I wasn't ready. I had not healed, or really let go of the emotional attachment with the first man, who was suddenly "fighting" to win me back. As much as I adored the second man who had now made two trips to visit me... I felt it necessary to break it off with him (2month LDR). He was a wonderful soul, who treated me so well.... but deserved more than I had to give at present.

When I broke it off with #2, I didn't feel comfortable posting because he was liked and respected here. I was worried I get a serious tongue lashing for hurting him. I didn't set out to, it just happened that way because I wasn't truly "free to love again".

I then attempted to reconcile and start over with first guy (one that moved). During all of this, both men were members that frequented the site. I have gone through alot of emotions that I wished I could have shared here. I needed perspective (still do) but could not be open really.

To summarize, it didn't work well for me to have my romantic partner (or ex) coming here. It eliminated a source of support I needed. At present, I am still in "relationship purgatory" with the first one. Somewhere between "hopefull" and "hopeless". Second guy has moved on with life/love and seems happy with a new partner.

I think being an "ageless couple" is cool for anyone in a solid, stable longterm relationship. I don't think it's cool for the ones that just met or in the beginning stages of discovery. I wish I could have this site back as "my little secret" again. :-\

In the role of moderators, all of us in the team have faced some situations where ageless couples (or one partner more often) will come public and seek help; sometimes everything goes smoothly, but sometimes one starts inculpating the other, which is very embarrassing for everyone: the couple, the community and the moderation team, who has to assure that both members have their privacy respected. Even if we often feel that one partner is really wrong, if they are members and consider they are being insulted or misrepresented, we have to make sure they get the same rights as anyone else.

I roughly see three distinct groups of couples around ageless: those who seek help in public and deal well with it, those who seek help but end up hurting each other and have to be moderated, and those who don't bring their problems to the forum. I don't think that there's any couple here that has no problems at all...

The problem starts when those who don't discuss their problems here, actually would like to or needed to, but can't for many reasons.

There are moments in life when we need help. Moments when the problems are so huge that we can't see clearly. I came to Ageless during such a time. My ex used to read your responses and it helped validate my pain, helped him see his mommy was not normal, etc. As I said, I usually don't do this, had never done before, but at that time I needed help and got it. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't come to Ageless, I would probably have accepted the situation for much longer, which was not good.

There's a difference between coming public as a couple, and coming public as a couple having problems. If both are able to deal with public advice that sometimes may take the party of one of them, and leave the other feeling as the "wrong" one, then all is fine. If not, I am afraid the couple will have to solve their problems by other means.

How about if this happens with an ageless couple who can't come public for fear of hurting each other? In my opinion, if they really can't agree to come here and be helped, they still can count on those posters they respect the most, and get help from them.

I have seen some situations where people have done that. They PM or email some of our members and we all try to help. It has especially happened with members who fear judgmental posts.

Thanks to all that responded!

I found every post to be very insightful.
It always saddens me to see an Ageless couple
post so giddy and happy about being together one day
and then post so miserable in regard to
their relationship another day.
I also find it quite sad when a good friend leaves
Ageless because of a relationship gone bad.
There is obviously much to take into consideration

It can be the same when two people come together
within a group of friends anywhere-
when the relationship sours, one or the other withdraws
from socializing with the group.
Guess that is why you hear people say things like:
"My ex-wife got all our friends in the divorce"
(Or vice versa)

I know that when I divorced-
I severed the ties with some mutual friends we had,
but those were mainly friends he'd had before we met
and thus, they became my friends after we married.
It was no biggie to me really as I wasn't that close to them.

But here-
one would almost feel as though they have to
keep their relationship secret to guard the success of it.
On the outside world, that would seem odd-
to pull out of a group of friends to be together or
communicate on the sly and not tell anyone.
It's a quandary for sure.

I do feel the trick is to not "air the dirty laundry",
as has been mentioned over and over here.
And that makes sense.
If you come together as a couple in a group of friends
off the computer, you don't take your problems and lay them
out for the whole group to see at every social gathering.
It doesn't make good sense to do that here either.

I also think it might be hard to not want to have your
friendship be public here-
I mean, if you are happy about a new found friendship,
why not let your friends know about it?
Keeping it secret might seem as though something
is not quite right and makes one feel as though there
is something to be ashamed of, and that is a rather
uncomfortable feeling.

I can see all the many variables in all of this
and I don't know if there is a way that works for everyone.
I do see the wisdom in not going over-board
here at Ageless
and declaring a love that is rocketing at record speed
in the beginning of a relationship.
Love takes time to tend to and I don't think two people
on computers miles and miles away from each
other and can fully cultivate a relationship that also
builds a strong foundation in a matter of weeks or months.
Meeting and being together is crucial-
as is time.

I also wonder how many relationships began here at
Ageless, were kept quiet about and still did not end up
successful- kind of like Gypsyheart's relationship with the
second man she mentioned.
Yes, some of us knew who he was, but many were in
the dark about it, and still, they ended up not staying together.
Did it ease the discomfort of splitting up
NOT having it known here at Ageless that they were together?

I guess what I am wondering,
is does one not mention their friendship to ensure
some comfort for the other or for yourself in the case things go badly down the road?
Or does a couple make their friendship known,
but follow some strict guidelines to mainatain their privacy
in matters of the heart?

Does meeting face to face really solidify a union
so much that only after a physical meeting
is it suitable to be public here?
I am not so sure that creates guarantees either...

I would assume it would be a bit frustrating for
two people who meet here and have cultivated a special
friendship to hide it.

Speaking hypothetically ....of course.
;)




<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">They say theres a place
where dreams have all gone
They never said where
but I think I know
Its miles through the night
just over the dawn
On the road
that will take me home</FONT>
<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Mary Fahl</FONT>

Just as an aside...

People often wondered why my ex, becky, never posted here. We tried to keep things seperate...because we knew one another needed space. She had her message boards she would occasionaly fit, and I had mine...

For those that actually meet via Ageless, of course that's hard to do. I think a certain degree of seperation, perhaps, should be exercised. I mean, there's really no reason you both need to be in the same places all the time. I would of never brought her to some of the other boards I visit, because they would not interest her.

Each couple needs a certain degree of space. And unfortunately, when you both post at Ageless, you don't get that space...and in a sense, I suppose you don't even get to experience the full depth of this website....unless you do everything via PM, for fear of hurting the other one if you have questions/concerns...

~Dan

Originally posted by Dan_Shues
Each couple needs a certain degree of space. And unfortunately, when you both post at Ageless, you don't get that space...and in a sense, I suppose you don't even get to experience the full depth of this website....unless you do everything via PM, for fear of hurting the other one if you have questions/concerns...
~Dan

Good post Dan!

I agree-
it is kinda of like getting together with someone
at your favorite bar or coffee shop.
You are a regular there, the other person is a regular
there and the next thing you know-
the two of you are a regular couple there.
"Everyone knows your name"-
that kind of thing...

Then-
if the relationship goes bad,
which one quits going to the place?
Or-
do you both go and have your heart broken to bits
the first time you see the ex waltz in with another love
on their arm?
I would assume, in the case of Ageless-
one or the other, (or even both),
quit coming here altogether and that is a shame.

But how do you protect yourself from that?



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">They say theres a place
where dreams have all gone
They never said where
but I think I know
Its miles through the night
just over the dawn
On the road
that will take me home</FONT>
<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Mary Fahl</FONT>

I am not the best person to answer that last question because Jason is not and has never really been a "regular" here like Joe or Awhi or all the other frequent posters. He only comes to Ageless when we are both online and decide to share some fun with our friends here. It's all because of me, in fact, because he knows I have many friends here and love to lighten up.

On the other hand we both have the kind of personality that, in case of a break-up, would continue to be friends. That's our style and that's why we get along so well.

I guess I can only talk for a percentage of ageless couples that share the same kind of views that Jason and I have. I am aware that we may be a minority, though, and for those to whom the fact of being known publicly here would represent a major problem in case of break up, I wouldn't really know what to say.

It's really sad when someone who was a regular has to leave because they can't stand being around an ex and not feeling hurt. I guess those are the risks one takes when falling in love with a fellow member.

Originally posted by MariaLux
It's really sad when someone who was a regular has to leave because they can't stand being around an ex and not feeling hurt. I guess those are the risks one takes when falling in love with a fellow member.

I agree, Maria. And, really when you think about it, it's just like what happens within our circle of friends where we live geographically. Sometimes when couples break up, or divorce if married, the friendships sometimes break apart, too. I saw this happen to a friend of mine. He and his wife had a very close knit circle of friends before the divorce. Now, things are tense with the friends because one person gets a little jealous if the other ex-spouse is spending more time with the friends. And, I imagine the friends also feel in the middle... like they have to choose sides.

I think it's wonderful that you and Jason would have an amicable break up if it ever comes to that-- am I'm sure hoping it won't ever come to that! :) But, unfortunately, that's not usually the case. Most break ups are very painful.... at least my own have been! :(

It just seems to me, Sage, that there is no ONE answer. It all depends upon the two people involved and what type of agreements they are able to come to.

Argh. No. Never. Not under any circumstances.

This is all academic for me as I'm taken by someone who has never stepped through these doors ....

But were it an issue, I honestly think it would be kept a secret and more probably, one or the either of us would leave.

My guy "could" probably find this site easily enough as it's open often enough on my computer which just happens to be on his route to the kitchen - haha - but he knows it's private. (And to him a relationship site vaguely resembles being boiled in oil - it's the last thing in the world he would do for fun), but we both believe in privacy. I've met some of the people on a bulletin board he frequents and I've been asked to join, but it's "his" site, so I won't.

I don't know - I can't imagine talking about my relationship right in front of him, as it were. I suspect he'd torture me if I had any idea how much about him I've already posted here over the years
:D

Originally posted by Desert Spring
(And to him a relationship site vaguely resembles being boiled in oil - it's the last thing in the world he would do for fun)

LOL!!! That's probably the real reason Remi has no interest in joining!!