Need some help.....

Ok, here's my situation.....I'm 28 and my fiance is 47. We've know each other since I was 18. We actually met on-line and then we met in person for the first time when I was 22. We've always been very close friends but have both always liked each other more. We've been through lots together. We finally decided to date about a year and a half ago. We'd both been in long distance relationships before and had sworn we'd never do it again but there was just no ignoring our feelings for each other. Well we dated and everything was perfect. He was in CA and I'm in KS. This past Jan. he applied for a job in KS and got the position right near me. He's now been here for about two months. I was soooooo happy that he was going to be moving here and we'd not have to have anymore hard good bye's and going months at a time without seeing each other. For the last year we saw each other every two or three months. We were both so happy.

Ok, so now here's the thing that's bothering me. Naturally, when we'd go so long in between times without seeing each other, when we did get together we were so into one another. It was just love,love,love. It was so exciting to be together nothing ever got old or boring. Well, now, things have changed. We are still very much in love we just got engaged about a month ago. We're looking at houses together etc....all that good stuff. It's just that it feels different than it did when we were long distance. I don't know I guess maybe, I'm not so smart to expect all that excitement to last. I just miss the excitement of seeing each other after not seeing each other for awhile. The newess of one another. He says he still feels excited to see me every time I walk in the door but to me, I don't think he does. I know he still loves me. That' s not the problem. I just want it to be like it used to be. Not the distance.....but the feelings of being so into one another.

I don't know if any of this is even making since to anyone. It's kinda hard to explain. Just wondering if anyone else has been through this kind of thing and how to deal with it????

Hi Ali Girl and welcome to Agelesslove. I see you posted the same thread in the YW/OM section. The responses you've received there so far are pretty much what I would say, too. I have never had this happen to me, but then, my fiance still lives 5500 miles away from me. But, it seems to me that you are in a period of adjustment between an LDR and an IRL relationship. For a long time now you have been maintaining a relationship with him that allowed you to only be able to see him a few times a year. It's only natural that things feel different now.

But, in my opinion, love has many phases. You have been in the honeymoon phase and are now transitioning into another phase. You and your partner should now begin looking for ways to keep the spark alive. Love is something natural, yet you have to work at it to maintain it.

On the other hand, it's possible that maybe you are not truly in love with him as you once thought. Is that a possibility?

*SIGH* I know I can't expect the honeymoon phase to last forever (though I do wish it could for everyone!) I just didn't expect it to end so soon, I guess. I do have ADD very badly so that could also be some of my problem too. I get bored easy anyway. I do love him with all of my heart. I still feel the exact same way towards him as I always have. I guess I just start thinking that he's in that stage he's got the girl so the chace is over. I mean, I know that's a good thing but I miss the feeling of knowing that I can make him soooo excited to see me like the past. He says he feels even closer to me now. He told me that he feels ready to settle down with me and that he feels comfy with me. He got married when he was 22 (he's 47 now) and it was totally wrong. He said he was too young etc... well ever since then everytime he's been in a relationship with someone he's not wanted to settle down until me. So, it was a huge step for him to get me a ring and ask me to marry him.

Ok, I know your all probably thinking what on earth is wrong?!?! That's just it, I don't know!!!! I just know that when I think back to the way things were when we were apart the excitment was so wonderful. I hate the getting used to each other part. The part where we know almost everything about one another and there really isn't much more to learn. I miss the way it was. I swear something is wrong with me. It's probably my ADD doing this to me. I don't know. He told me that when we were long distance and he would come to visit he was on vacation and could focus 100% on us but now that he lives here he has work etc......to focus on also. I know this is true but I don't know why I feel like I do. Sorry for all the rambling....... I just feel like I constantly have to have excitement in my life to keep me going.... :-(

Do you really???? Are you seeing anyone or taking anything for it? Mine is so bad. It affects everything I do! I can't even work right now because of it! :-( I have to get a job soon though.

also one other thing......this is what we wanted to happen.....he would move here, we'd date in person for awhile (ya know a regular relationship) we wouldn't move in together until we were married. We wanted to not live together first because we have both done that thing and also when we get married we don't want it to feel like it's not a big deal. We want to feel that special married feeling,moving in together etc... Well, he's been here for about two months and things are changing quickly. Now change is very hard for me even good change. He has a 15 year old son who lives in Canada. He is having some trouble (has add also) and just can't get along with his stepdad either. So, in June he will be moving here to live with my fiance. Well, that kinda puts a HUGE damper on our plans to just date and have a normal kind of relationship. I know he can't turn his back on his son nor do I want him too. I am not that kind of person. I've always said that I think he should get a chance with him. Well, the way I see it now though, is he just moved here, we've FINALLY after all this time gotten the chance to be together in person and now all of this. I'm only 27 (almost 28) so I'm really not feeling like I'm even ready to be living with a 15 year old boy. I'm not even ready to have a baby of my own yet. I am so scared that this is going to change us. I mean I know it's going to change our relationship. He will have a huge responsibility. We won't be able to just drop things and go somewhere anymore,we'll have to pay attention to what we are wearing of lack of around the house.....not to mention our sex life will most likely change in a major way also. I love him to death but I'm just not ready for this teenager thing. I feel like we haven't had enough time together as it is because of the distance we had to face and now in two weeks we will once again face not being alone very often together. I'm so stressted out over this I don't know what to do!

Ali, I'm not clear why having a 15 year old would put a damper on your plans to date unless all your dates together were going to be in your fiance's home?

I don't think that having the son around should interfere with your ability to get out and date and do things together. He's old enough to take care of himself so that the two of you can spend some time alone together.

But, maybe him moving there is a good thing. You say you are not ready for a teenager. Well, I understand that full well. I had two come to live with me all of a sudden two weeks after my ex-husband and I had married. I had only met one of them before the wedding! The stepdaughter lived far away from me until that day. It was a BIG adjustment for us all. So, look at this way, this gives you the opportunity to get to know him better.

I'm not sure if you have set the wedding date, but if it were me, I'd definitely take my dear sweet time and have a nice long engagement. Sounds like you are in a state of flux right now and you could stand to have more time to absorb the changes coming at you right now. There's definitely no need to rush into a marriage until you are completely certain you are ready for all it entails, including a 15 year old stepson.

:)

Thanks for the website. I'll definately check it out. You sound just like me. I will spend hours cleaning my apartment and then a few days latter it's a mess again. Same with my car. I can't stand a mess but it will take me forever to clean it up. I daydream lots too. My job situation, I'll take a job for a few weeks and then I'm so bored that it's seriously painful to be there. I tried a med. last year and it made me crazy! I'm trying to find a good therpist myself right now.

your right, it won't (hopefully) damper us going out on dates etc.....but sometimes I will want to stay the night with him or him with me. Which we can still do but it won't be the same and that is just hard to wrap my mind around. If it had been a year or so and not only two months maybe I would feel differently. I'm not sure. I also haven't met his son yet and that makes me nervous. I really just don't know how to act around a 15 year old boy. I'm not one to play video games etc.....I mean I like them but I just plain suck.... I just feel like I'm going to have to chance my life and quickly.

We haven't set a date for sure yet. We were talking about a year from now.