I need women's advice

As you get older do you tend to stop looking for an exciting challanging man, or one who teats you with respect and trys his best to make you feel special and beautiful. Everyone says nice guys finish last. And do you think that friendship and honesty can make for a better foundation than sex for a relationship.

What I need to know is do women who are older stop playing head games and just commit to honesty. Maybe they'll actually appreciate a friend as opposed to somehting else. Like can a guy impress an older lady by just being nice and making them feel special and trying to be their friend? Because that never works with girls my own age.

Well, I look for an exciting, challenging man who treats me with respect and tries his best to make me feel special and beautiful.

I just want to be nice and not try to be challanging because I'm not, I like sitting around doing friendly nice things but sex isn't a priority to me. I'm confused.

I was just thinking of you yesterday Striker. How interesting that you show back up.
:)

Did I miss a thread that talked about the outcome of the last relationship you were in? I remember your frustration but wasn't sure where that was at.
Also was it your mother that was ill? How is she?

Hey...it sounds like you are still reading AskMen. LoL
I know what you mean about "nice guys" finishing last but if you pair that image of the nice guy with:

Self-Confidence
Proper amount of Self-Esteem
Interesting and Interests similar to that of the woman he seeks

then I think you got a winning package. Most women looking for a relationship should NOT base it upon sex. It happens though but the chances of that lasting are not too good unless that is ALL the partners want. Sounds like Not for you... and probably not for the older woman either.

Actually, I backed off a little on her and she came back and we've established a "courtship". The things I did differently were

1) Not calling 10 times a day
2)always telling her she was beautiful
3)being more honest and sensitive
4)asking her, not telling her

She did
1) Startd calling me back
2) Became really happy when she was aropund me
3) appreciated that she found a "nice guy"
4) appreciated my respect for her

She still has the illness, but it doesn't matter to me because I like her as her own person. However, I'm afarid that she'll soon be bored if I'm too nice. But her daughter loves and I treat her with respect. It's just these websites that keep drilling this crap into my head and it makes me nervous. That if I don't "make a move" (tried it before, she said I was pushy), shell say "your such a good friend" and then go date someone else. I don't force myself on her, I let her come to me, and she does. But I'm afrauid she won't see me as being man enough and get bored. Even though she said she won't and that she was glad that she found a nice guy.

I moved away from my parents house and don't speak to either of them anymore due to the fact that my father was emotionally abusive to me and I was left with a poor self image, hence this post..

So you are afraid she'll be bored then?
Keep it interesting Striker...

What that means is:

Be sensitive
Be sweet
Be caring
Continue to show affection to her daughter

But...

Make date nights or special outings
Surprise her w/ your choice of outings "I thought it would be fun to walk on the waterfront" ... or try the new sushi bar, or go for a drink that is served in a Fishbowl Sized glass w/ an exotic name, or go for a movie you think she might like.

See, this is just my opinion... but if you think you are boring and are gonna lose her, you probably will. Only YOU can make YOU interesting, so if you want this to be successful be a driver. You don't have to be pushy but you do need to drive the relationship.

I'm glad you don't call her 10 times a day (ugh...) or tell her how beautiful she is repeatedly. I tease my b/friend because when the conversation is lacking he will throw in a quick "beautiful.. or hottie" or something. For us that is OK because well, we are deeply commited, but you are still in the dating phase... not even quite sure where your relationship is headed.

It is great to have a nice guy, but you gotta work on that self confidence and prove why you are a man with lots to offer.
That should come naturally to you if you take the time to list out what those qualities are, and how you can keep your dates exciting! Also, introduce new conversation sometimes subjects you know nothing about (maybe she does or you can ponder together), and other times conversations you are well versed in (because it makes you look smart...which is always nice) :) . I love *new* conversation.

PS sorry to hear about your parents but glad you are out on your own. Now you can begin to heal.

Hi Striker

I think that some women alway want bad boys. I'm not sure why, I only know why I fell into this category for many years.

Some want them for many months or years, and then realize they want to have a kind loving relationship, and start looking for a nice guy.

Other women always want nice guys.

I fall in the 2nd category. My first relationship was with a man who drank too much, gambled, got into fights at the drop of a hat, and verbally abused me. Then I married a man who was just plain out right mean, another drinker and very self absorbed.

I worked on myself, went to therapy, got a college education, got my confidence to where it should be, and divorced him.

Now I'm in love with a very nice man. And I realized after all those years, that I wanted to be treated with kindness and respect. The number one priority that I had was he had to be NICE.

Was going to type more, but my daughter has to go to her graduation rehearsal. :)

Striker...as an "older" woman this is what I want:

A guy who will be respectful and kind, but who will also try to think of things that might excite me. A guy who will eventually make that move (as my guy did on date 4). A guy who will make an effort.

What I don't want:

A guy who is a pushover. A guy who is too into me (as in calling all the time, emailing me non-stop, etc). A guy who is mean. A guy who doesn't understand the words "no" or "not now". A guy who can't make decisions for himself.

If you have access to a counselor, now sounds like a good time to go. One can help with self-esteem & dating issues. My friends have used them and eventually found themselves & love. I am a therapist so of course I think counseling is great for everyone.

Best to you!

Striker,

From what you've written I would say that you are well on your way to becoming the person and man that you want to be. The toughest thing in the world is to sit down, realize your weaknesses,shortcomings, mistakes and develop a plan to learn from them. One piece of advice I can give you is to take the advice of the above posters and focus on getting yourself where you need to be, both mentally and physically. If that means taking classes, visiting museums, or travelling then go ahead and do it. By stepping out of the person you were and becoming comfortable in your own skin women, particularly older or just wiser ones, will sense that and naturally be drawn to that. There is nothing more magnetic than someone that's happy and content with themself. If you haven't already noticed, women can smell weakness, desperation, and poor self-image a mile away. :)
If you take care of yourself, everything else will fall into place.
By continuing on the path you are on now...I really don't see how you will not end up finding the perfect person to share your life with.

I am also one of those women who prefer sweet gentle men. The last thing I want is an "exciting challenging man." I want a man with his act together, not one who thinks life has to be a challenge. You can keep the white water rafting types, give me a guy who wants to see a good movie any day. As for excitement, everyone has their own definition. Some people want to go on that rafting trip, or hang glide. I'd prefer excitement in the way of being given a rose "just because" or taken out to dinner in the middle of the week, so I don't have to cook.

Gentleness is often mistaken for weakness, but that is just plain wrong. There is a Native American saying:Noting is as strong as gentleness -- Nothing is a gentle as true strength. If you aren't in counseling you need to go. You have to have help to get over being abused as a child. You can't do it alone. My husband, Dave, was abused and has been working his way through it. Healing is slow and sometimes painful but necessary for you to be a complete human being. As you progress with counseling your self-esteem will grow and you will become more confident. I would recommend that you do this before trying to get into a relationship because it can be very hard on your partner to do it the other way around.

It also doesn't sound like this lady is all that interested in you. Who knows what she's thinking. I've known women to pass up marvelous men and then wonder why they got stuck with a loser. You may feel that she's all you can get, but therapy will help with those type of thoughts. You need to work on YOU first and then on a relationship.

Peace,
Jane

Are you getting the feeling that all of us "older women" value slightly different qualities in men?

Coming out of a fairly damaging childhood myself, I tended to hook up with "not nice" men, because I equated being treated badly with being loved -- I didn't know any better. (I'm grossly oversimplifying here, but you get the idea) I'm good at learning from my mistakes, however, and figured out that I was on the wrong track by my mid-20s.

So, yeah, I now have a definite preference for nice guys -- bonus points if they're extra nice to my dogs.:D Note that "nice" definitely does NOT mean he has to kiss my a$$ -- he should be able to stand up for his own beliefs and opinions, and we don't always have to agree. Nor does it mean that I want us to be joined at the hip like Siamese twins; I have my own interests, and hopefully he has a few of his own that can occupy some of his time. I don't expect someone to provide entertainment or add excitement to my life -- if I'm bored, I figure it's my responsibility to do something about it. And of course honesty and willingness to communicate openly are crucial.

Except for the hips part, I agree completely with Savannah. ;)

Actually if I were not taken, I would be the perfect candidate for Savannah. :D

Although I was never into bad boys, when I was younger I took nice boys for granted a lot. With time I realised how much love one has to put into one's actions to please a lover, to please anyone actually.

It's a lot of giving and it's not like we are naturally "entitled" to that. It's something you get from someone who loves you, something not everyone would do for you. It took time but I learned how to be grateful for a lover's kindness.

Originally posted by MariaLux
Except for the hips part, I agree completely with Savannah.
Other locations are acceptable...... ;)
Actually if I were not taken, I would be the perfect candidate for Savannah.
:D

I went for the wrong guys and yes the great, kind, gentle, truthful, supportive, amazing in bed, dedicated to one woman, guys do exist. The question you have to ask is, will you be able to handle the lack of drama. For me I have to remind myself that this is what I want... not some disfunctional relationship.

I am turning 45 in 2 days and my ym is 20... 25 yr difference... and he is soooooo good to me.... and it is about time someone is.

But some days it just seems really quiet and I have to remind myself that not having daily issues is good.

My sweetie is super smart so that entertains me (along with his many other great qualities) and I could NOT deal with a boring guy...I personally like my intelligent guy... and trust me brainiacks make great partners... better than bad boy... so I can definately say...NICE GUYS RULE!!!!!!!!!

Break the pattern.... give a nice guy a try... just jump in... trust me... the water's FINE!

Welcome Back Striker-
You have some wonderful responses to your question so far!
Hope you find them helpful.

I can only tell you what I look for in a man-
and I am 47, so yes, I'm in the OW category.

First let me say this-
NEVER call a woman 10 times a day!
Ack!

Secondly-
there are no set rules for dating an OW.
We are all different and what one woman prefers-
another might not.
So please, don't go about treating all of us the same.
Get to know us.
Ask questions. Listen. Pay attention. Be open about yourself, but don't whine about your past.
Be honest. Be sincere. Don't try to be someone you are not.
Be attenetive, but not over-bearing. Accept her for who she is inside and out.

Just because I am an OW, this does not mean that I want
a man to sit next to me on the front porch all night
holding my big ball of yarn while I knit tacky sweaters.
Heck no!
I want a man in my life that makes me smile and my heart jump down into my stomach the moment he walks through the door.
A man that has a genuine zest for life-
his life and is eager to share that life with me, (just as I am eager to share mine with him).
I want a man in my life that has passions that cause him to get excited and overflowing with enthusiasm. I also want to be one of those passions in his life.

I don't need my man to be at my beckon call or act as a nursemaid
to my many moods- but I do want a man that can soothe the tears
that find me on occasion and a man that can stoke the fire in my eyes-
that I will hold, only for him.

I want a man who believes in me
and supports and all that I dream about and desire in life,
(as I will believe his dreams too).

Finding the right woman
is not like picking out a cut out cookie
that looks the yummiest to you.
It is about looking deep inside the woman and also reaching
deep inside yourself and then combining the two
and having something precious
only deserving of the two of you.



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">They say theres a place
where dreams have all gone
They never said where
but I think I know
Its miles through the night
just over the dawn
On the road
that will take me home</FONT>
<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Mary Fahl</FONT>

Nice guys may finish last but I do believe they also finish BEST, striker.

...Wow! Mrs Hegdehog - That was wonderfully put! I think that about sums it up in a nice neat little sentence.

Suhweet! Listen to that Striker . . .

Thank you, that makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing and just being honest and nice, but not kising a**. I'll tell her shes beautiful some days and I'll show it on other days. Great!

Very nice new picture Maria, you look pretty happy!

Hey, thank you, Striker, love makes us all happy!

And I hope you'll be very very happy too!

Wow, great posts, everyone, but I particularly resonated to Mrs. Hedgehog's and Sage's! Good luck, Striker..listen to these wise women. :)

We finally went out to dinner together (she was agonizing over we should consider it a date, we'll it kinda is, but not really", it was really funny. She's so cute. Then, the other night she mentioned our "relationship or whatever we are", I guess she can't figure it out, but I'll keep at it. She agonizes over how define our dinner togeter and what our relationship is. It's good that we started out as co-workers, then moved to become friends, then moved to become closer friends, now we're heading to more romantic friends I suppose. Keep the changes small I say and allow her time to breathe and come to me and not pressure her is what I have to do if I want to keep her around. Her and her little girl are coming over to my new place this week and I want to try to cook for them. Any recipes?