Playing with fire ??

I am 62 and my wife is 50 (no, I am not in the wrong forum!) - we have been together for about 16 years (married 7 years) and both of us were previously divorced. I have two kids (in their thirties), my wife (let's call her 'F') has none. I have taken early retirement but F still works full time. She is generally very practical, sensible and organised but is now experiencing some of the classic symptoms of the menopause (mood swings etc) and nothing I say is right.
A few years back we joined a swingers site looking for single guys (my idea!) and this was very enjoyable for both of us. The guys we met were generally 7 to 12 years younger than F.
All was fine until several months ago when we arranged to meet a guy 12 years younger than her (let's call him 'M'). F quickly became besotted with him and didn't want to meet any other guys. M insists he is not married/attached but I have my doubts - his behaviour suggests he may be but I am prepared to believe him on this one. This year we have seen him 3 or 4 times (always mid week, never stayed the night) although many other arrangements have been broken (his illness, family illness, work pressures)
He is utterly unreliable (says he will call and never does), mobile phone is never switched on, keeps talking about presents he has bought but they never materialise, has never even brought as much as a bottle of wine! Even suggested that he and I had a game of golf but of course it got cancelled.
Normally F would have blown him out months ago but seems to revel in the challenge of trying to tame him - I think there may have been discussions about something more than a sexual arrangement but his behaviour doesn't suggest it. We have a pretty normal social life apart from the swinging but now seem to be putting arrangements 'on hold' just in case he wants to visit.
Guys on swingers sites are generally only looking for one thing so why F should expect anything more is beyond me.

The situation is now affecting our relationship so, other than 'more fool you' can anyone tell me what the hell is going on here and how I might retrieve the situation ?

Confused in UK

So you are upset because she only wants to do these threesomes with him and nobody else?

Do you think she fell in love with him?

Have you asked her what is going on?

No secret here how I feel about swinging :mad: But, I'll say it again: When you play with fire, eventually SOMEONE'S gonna get burned!

It sounds to me like you're doing alot of guessing about what's going on and how she's feeling. Guessing isn't good. If you're going to swing, then you have to be able to talk openly about it. Ask her what is going on and listen to the answer. It may not be what you want to hear, but it's better than wondering.

I agree w/ the other posters here.

If you are open to swinging, then I would "assume" your lines of communication would be VERY open...

Maybe part of the problem is that they are not :confused: ...

Either way, you need to speak with her and find out what the deal is. If you are in any way uncomfortable I would believe that it would stop with him. Quite frankly this guy sounds like an @ss and I would not want to share my body or the body of my loved one with a jerk who is always making excuses, lies, promises, and yet nothing ever materializes. Ahhh but he does come over for sex when he wants too...

Man oh Man, some people have the life.

I wish you luck, but either way finding out is better than wondering...

i just want to say one thing, alot of wemon on this board are loving younger men because of who the men are, in many cases our lives may be easier if our men were closer to our age, it just turned out that they are not. so there is no magic formula that older wemon and younger men have, i can tell you from my experience it is not the age that attracts me, maybe your wife feels needed or important by taming this bad boy... age may be less than a factor than you think, but besides that i agree with peachy, there are no concrete rules when it comes to the human heart and if you play with fire, i agree you will get burned, i also believe when emotions are envolved and as much as swingers may say they are capable of setting aside emotional attachment i dont believe it for a second if two people click, they click and then what??? maybe its better not to pick up the match at all, keep the fire at home.

I don't know a whole lot about swinging, but I remember hearing this once:

If your relationship already has problems, then swinging will highlight all of them.

I would ask if there were some issues in your relationship even before you met this guy, and whether your partner has become "besotted" with this clearly unsuitable man as a way to subconsciously avoid dealing with something else in your relationship.

Already several people here have spotted that there are communication issues. Perhaps her attachment is masking an issue or a need that has gone unaddressed.

A huge thank you to all who responded
I agree with most of what has been said - particularly about swinging - it can enhance a good relationship but will have a disastrous effect on a bad relationship.
I honestly don't think F started it to try and find a new relationship and there was no sign of problems until M arrived on the scene - it was just fun for all of us.
Sooner or later I will have to have that heart to heart talk but I must confess that at the moment I am hoping it will become clear to F that sex was the driver for his interest and he is not interested in anything else. If I was seeking a serious relationship then a swingers site is not where I would be looking !
I mentioned that family illness was one M's perennial excuses - hs father died a few months back and we now learn that his mother died last Friday (he was supposed to visit Friday evening). Not sure what effect this will have on him but triggered a wave of sympathy and concern from F.....
Agree with Nessa - I enjoy the swinging scene but would give it up in an instant if I felt it would destroy my own relationship.
Will keep you posted on progress.....

Kimmy, F did have a fairly traumatic childhood - spent a lot of time with foster parents - her father died of cancer and her mother committed suicide. Her only close relative is one brother.

Hi OlderguyUK,

Since you guys are swingers, I expect that both you and she are practiced at dealing with those `crush' feelings that go along with having new lovers, and putting it all into perspective. Otherwise your relationship couldn't have survived this far.

This makes me think that your wife has become stuck on a deeper personal issue with regards to `M', beyond lust or a crush.

My first thoughts are that either:
-M fullfills needs which your relationship is not fullfilling for her.
-M is a self-absorbed flake and your wife is caught up in an attraction to subtle abuse and withholding.

I might be going out on a limb here, but since you both use sexual exploration as part of your lifestyle, perhaps you might both be better off joining a proper , safe-practicing BDSM group (online or irl) ? Your wife seems to be responding to M's withholding and control, and these sorts of sexual power dynamics are the sorts if issues that the dominance/ submission scene deals with directly.

One possible outcome may be that your wife needs to experience the role-play of dominace and withholding with you, and M has triggered off this sexual need. Theres plenty of resouces on the net which explain the bdsm scene thoroughily before you engage in any of this, should you take that path.