Possible ending and how to manage the PAIN!

:( Hi everyone! I started to spend some time on the website this past spring, but became extremely busy with my business and now things are slowing down for me. I could DEFINITELY use some support. I've been involved in an OW/YM realtionship for nearly 8 months and at this point, things seem to be falling apart.... We're 13 years apart, I'm 50 and he's 35. In addition to all the age gap issues we all are dealing with, there are others. Romeo was 3 weeks out of a bad relationship (a series of 2 long ones) when we met. It was truly love at first sight, and believe me this is not the regular experience for me!!!! In fact in all these years, I only came close to it one other time, 24 years ago. SO, it's not a habit, for me or for him. He really wasn't looking for a relationship, and neither was I. Shortly after we met, there appeared in his life a LONG series of very difficult life events relating to job, school (he's a full time student and works full time), ex-girlfriend, children, death of pet, loss of housing, etc. It seems everything that could happen, did. He has become progressively more and more distant, and clearly more and more burned out. At this point, I don't think he's feeling much of anything. His life feels out of control, and I'm sure that mine, in contrast, seems much more predictable and organized. My problem is that his mind set of not really wanting a relationship (in place when we met), was altered considerably when he was not under stress. But returned since. When talking recently, it became clear that he is very confused about us, but I really am having a terrible time sorting out what is really about US, what is about the age gap and what is fear of committment, vs. just burn out. I know he is scared of committment, and I know he is burned out, and although he can tell me he loves me, he doesn't feel like he can have a relationship when his life is out of control. I've tried to help him in various ways without intruding or controlling, maybe I tried to much. He also has an emotional history of withdrawing from all the people in his life when very stressed. He really hasn't experienced unconditional love before, or a loving, supportive, but independent "mate". Well, that's a start! AFter our last conversation, I told him I thought he needed some space to get his life under control and I needed some too, that I've been unhappy with the distance. He I think, is hoping to get some things taken care of within the next few weeks. THe things he has said, of course are at times conflicting, and I think the very worst emotional time for me is when I'm receiving mixed messages from the man I love! So help in ANY way, please, but especially about what kind of patience is required from OW when their younger men are trying to handle (and are doing it badly) major life events? Also appreciated would be any comments from younger men who have experienced similar. Thank You!

I thought it was interesting that one of the items you listed him having gone through was losing his housing. How did he explain that? Could you verify any of his story? Typically when someone loses their housing it's through the loss of a job. I see that you are going through a re-appraisal period. Sometimes no matter how much we care, there is nothing we can do. Unless this guy meets you halfway, you can't do much at all. It sounds like he's facing some serious issues! Try to talk to him and see if you are getting the whole true story. Conflicting stories means he's not telling you everything. You need to find out EVERYTHING before you do anything else. After 8 months he should have no problem telling you.

Hi Juliet. I'm sorry that you're hurting and worried right now. :(

It's so difficult to really know and understand what's going on with him without knowing him. But, based upon what you've written about him, it seems that maybe he does need the space you mentioned to sort some things out.

For one thing, he had only been out of his last relationship 3 weeks before he met you. Possibly you two became involved too soon?

Secondly, if he is stressed and is the kind of guy who needs to retreat, there's really nothing wrong with that as long as he is still able to be an equal partner in your relationship. In other words, does he tell you he loves you? Does he display affection towards you? Or, does he just sort of hang out and exist?

I believe that sometimes men just deal with their problems differently than women. Women tend to talk about them more. Men tend to keep things locked up inside more. And, women of course, want to offer to help and support them. But, sometimes we must realize that we can't do anything to fix their problems and we must let them go do that on their own. You can offer support, but it's up to him to fix his own problems.

Another thought.. Your post reminded me so much of my ex-husband who has PTSD. I'm not saying your guy has that, but he may have problems that may need the attention of a professional counselor or doctor. For example, he may be suffering depression.

But, again, if he does, then all you can do is offer support, but give him the space he needs to sort things out. If it continues and it is affecting your relationship, then discuss your concerns with him and see at that point how willing he is to work on the issues between you.

I'm sorry for the rambling response.. but it's difficult to pin down exactly what is going on here.

Good luck to you. :)