whiterose
06-04-2004, 08:40 PM
It’s time to introduce another LDR couple of the month. Let me introduce to you dmbdmo. I recently read one of her posts, in which she stated she had been in a 5 year LDR that is now a 3rd year marriage.
I thought her story would be interesting and I was so pleased that she agreed to let me interview her.
Here’s what she had to say…
Whiterose: How long were you involved in a long-distance relationship?
dmbdmo: My husband and I first met in the fall of 1996 and moved into our home together in the summer of 2001 so we were in an LDR for almost 5 years.
Whiterose: How did you first meet?
dmbdmo: We met on-line.
Whiterose: What type of age gap relationship are you involved in? Ex. Are you the older woman or is your husband older? And, what is your age difference?
dmbdmo: My husband is 58 and I am 32 – a 26 year age gap.
Whiterose: Did you live within the same country? If not, which countries did you two live in?
dmbdmo: During our LDR we lived in adjoining states approximately a 3 ½ hour drive apart.
Whiterose: If you met online, how long did you two talk before deciding to meet in person?
dmbdmo: We met about a month after meeting on-line, he flew out to see me for a weekend.
Whiterose: How often did you keep in touch with each other when you weren’t able to be together and what method of contact did you use?
dmbdmo: We had daily phone contact, thanks to my husband. We also emailed.
Whiterose: How often did you get to see each other in person? How long did your visit typically last?
dmbdmo: We saw each other approximately twice a month usually for a long weekend.
Whiterose: What kinds of things did you and your partner do to help cope with the distance when you could not be together?
dmbdmo: The biggest survival technique, in my opinion, was our constant communication via the phone. It cost both of us a fortune at that time, but being able to speak with him and know what was going on in his life and to share my life with him via the phone really kept us close. I had been in relationships in real time that were nowhere near as close as this relationship because the
phone/email communication really required discussion and communication. When you’re together with someone, you can be watching TV, sleeping or whatever and not have any real communication and feel as though there are miles between you. This has never been an issue for us and I believe that great communication we developed during the LDR has carried over into our marriage.
Whiterose: How did your partner demonstrate to you that he was as committed to your LDR as you are?
dmbdmo: By making the effort to continue to be in communication and making the many, many drives he did to come out and see me and to be a part of my life.
Whiterose: When you were making decisions about being together permanently, which of you decided to move?
dmbdmo: We just passed our 3 year wedding anniversary, my husband moved to my state. One concern I had prior to the relocation was how we would fit together in our day-to-day lives. I worried because our visits seemed more like a mini-vacation – we would each put down our lives and spend the time together.
Fortunately, my concerns were without merit, it still amazes me to this day how “in sync” my husband and I are in terms of our day-to-day habits and lifestyle.
Whiterose: At any point did you find the LDR too difficult to be able to continue?
dmbdmo: About three years into our LDR, I broke up with him. One of the reasons was the distance (in addition to the age gap, parental issues). I was so tired of spending so much time apart from him I couldn’t stand it anymore. I remember one particular drive on a beautiful Saturday afternoon sitting at an intersection watching people walking outside enjoying the weather. I was so jealous that they were able to enjoy their day together while I was stuck in the car driving. I just longed to have the same love relationship I had with him but with someone closer. So I broke up with him and entered into a relationship with someone closer (in distance and in age). For seven months, my husband and
I didn’t see each other. During that time I realized that he was my heart and I would never, ever be happy or content without him in my life – even with a little distance between us. Eventually, we got back together and resolved to solve the issues and end the LDR. We were engaged within 7 months, married 7 months after that and ended the LDR shortly thereafter. Once I realized that I loved him and would not be happy without him, I would have done anything to be with him – including a continuation of the LDR for as long as it took.
Whiterose: How does this relationship compare to others you have with someone who lives closer to you? For example, please describe the similarities and the differences.
dmbdmo: I have been fortunate to have some really great relationships in my life but all of them pale in comparison to my relationship with my husband. Even during our LDR phase nobody ever really touched my heart and my mind the way my husband did. But I think the difference is attributable to who we are as people and as a couple vs. the differences between an LDR and a real time relationship.
Whiterose: If you had it all to do over again, would you still choose to be in a LDR?
dmbdmo: If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing because the LDR and the other issues my husband and I endured brought us to where we are today which is a wonderful life and a blissful marriage. I can say that my husband and I value our time together so much more because we still remember what it was like to be apart. I appreciate every moment with him and am so grateful that we were blessed with the opportunity to have this time together. Every moment with him is a precious gift and I never lose sight of that no matter what we are doing or what else is going on in our lives.
Whiterose: Any other pearls of wisdom or comments you’d like to share with us about LDRs?
dmbdmo: Love is a precious gift that should be cherished. Too many people go through life without ever having experienced the beauty of love. I believe you have to open yourself to it and accept that it may not be in the package you dreamed about (i.e. in terms of age, distance, etc.) but that doesn’t mean it should be denied. In order to truly open myself up to this relationship, I had
many obstacles to overcome. I never took the issue of our age gap lightly and was terrified about telling my parents. Ultimately, I realized that my home was with my husband and my life would not be nearly as fulfilling or content if he wasn’t a part of it. Once I got that, I had no choice but to start sorting through the circumstances/obstacles keeping us apart and find a way to make
it work. Obstacles such as distance can be changed but living without having the person you love in your life will not bring true happiness. My husband and I did what we had to do in terms of the LDR and, looking back now, we probably didn’t have any other choice. Having said that, I am very happy now and very glad that we didn’t let the distance prevent us from having the beautiful relationship that we had then and continue to have now.
Whiterose: Any more words of wisdom for the rest of us in age gap LDR‘s?
dmbdmo: I first posted at Agelesslove in the fall of 1999 about ¾ of the way through the separation period with my husband. At that time, I felt very alone and miserable and didn’t know how to find my way out of the blackness. I was grappling with trying to figure out how to accept loving a man 26 years my senior and how to share that with my family. I also had to learn how to admit that I had made a huge mistake by breaking from him and figure out how to swallow my pride and go back to him. This forum helped me to not feel so alone and to realize that the core issue and focus for me should have been my heart and my
feelings for my husband. As a poster wrote in response to my very first thread – the only questions that matter are do you love him, how does he treat you, can you live without him. I since learned that the age, distance, family, etc. were all circumstances that could be modified/fixed because the very core of our relationship was and is one of love, mutual respect and a whole lot of fun. The support I received at this forum was absolutely instrumental in helping me move forward in my relationship with my husband. The people who post here are great and full of insightful wisdom and thoughts. I want to thank everybody who takes the time to share a piece of themselves with others in similar situations – I know it helped me and I’m sure it helps others. For those of you still trying to find your way through, I can definitely state that these relationships age-gap, LDR can and do work. The only key is to listen to your heart and let it guide you to your wonderful future.
Thank you so much, dmbdmo, for sharing your story with us!!
I thought her story would be interesting and I was so pleased that she agreed to let me interview her.
Here’s what she had to say…
Whiterose: How long were you involved in a long-distance relationship?
dmbdmo: My husband and I first met in the fall of 1996 and moved into our home together in the summer of 2001 so we were in an LDR for almost 5 years.
Whiterose: How did you first meet?
dmbdmo: We met on-line.
Whiterose: What type of age gap relationship are you involved in? Ex. Are you the older woman or is your husband older? And, what is your age difference?
dmbdmo: My husband is 58 and I am 32 – a 26 year age gap.
Whiterose: Did you live within the same country? If not, which countries did you two live in?
dmbdmo: During our LDR we lived in adjoining states approximately a 3 ½ hour drive apart.
Whiterose: If you met online, how long did you two talk before deciding to meet in person?
dmbdmo: We met about a month after meeting on-line, he flew out to see me for a weekend.
Whiterose: How often did you keep in touch with each other when you weren’t able to be together and what method of contact did you use?
dmbdmo: We had daily phone contact, thanks to my husband. We also emailed.
Whiterose: How often did you get to see each other in person? How long did your visit typically last?
dmbdmo: We saw each other approximately twice a month usually for a long weekend.
Whiterose: What kinds of things did you and your partner do to help cope with the distance when you could not be together?
dmbdmo: The biggest survival technique, in my opinion, was our constant communication via the phone. It cost both of us a fortune at that time, but being able to speak with him and know what was going on in his life and to share my life with him via the phone really kept us close. I had been in relationships in real time that were nowhere near as close as this relationship because the
phone/email communication really required discussion and communication. When you’re together with someone, you can be watching TV, sleeping or whatever and not have any real communication and feel as though there are miles between you. This has never been an issue for us and I believe that great communication we developed during the LDR has carried over into our marriage.
Whiterose: How did your partner demonstrate to you that he was as committed to your LDR as you are?
dmbdmo: By making the effort to continue to be in communication and making the many, many drives he did to come out and see me and to be a part of my life.
Whiterose: When you were making decisions about being together permanently, which of you decided to move?
dmbdmo: We just passed our 3 year wedding anniversary, my husband moved to my state. One concern I had prior to the relocation was how we would fit together in our day-to-day lives. I worried because our visits seemed more like a mini-vacation – we would each put down our lives and spend the time together.
Fortunately, my concerns were without merit, it still amazes me to this day how “in sync” my husband and I are in terms of our day-to-day habits and lifestyle.
Whiterose: At any point did you find the LDR too difficult to be able to continue?
dmbdmo: About three years into our LDR, I broke up with him. One of the reasons was the distance (in addition to the age gap, parental issues). I was so tired of spending so much time apart from him I couldn’t stand it anymore. I remember one particular drive on a beautiful Saturday afternoon sitting at an intersection watching people walking outside enjoying the weather. I was so jealous that they were able to enjoy their day together while I was stuck in the car driving. I just longed to have the same love relationship I had with him but with someone closer. So I broke up with him and entered into a relationship with someone closer (in distance and in age). For seven months, my husband and
I didn’t see each other. During that time I realized that he was my heart and I would never, ever be happy or content without him in my life – even with a little distance between us. Eventually, we got back together and resolved to solve the issues and end the LDR. We were engaged within 7 months, married 7 months after that and ended the LDR shortly thereafter. Once I realized that I loved him and would not be happy without him, I would have done anything to be with him – including a continuation of the LDR for as long as it took.
Whiterose: How does this relationship compare to others you have with someone who lives closer to you? For example, please describe the similarities and the differences.
dmbdmo: I have been fortunate to have some really great relationships in my life but all of them pale in comparison to my relationship with my husband. Even during our LDR phase nobody ever really touched my heart and my mind the way my husband did. But I think the difference is attributable to who we are as people and as a couple vs. the differences between an LDR and a real time relationship.
Whiterose: If you had it all to do over again, would you still choose to be in a LDR?
dmbdmo: If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing because the LDR and the other issues my husband and I endured brought us to where we are today which is a wonderful life and a blissful marriage. I can say that my husband and I value our time together so much more because we still remember what it was like to be apart. I appreciate every moment with him and am so grateful that we were blessed with the opportunity to have this time together. Every moment with him is a precious gift and I never lose sight of that no matter what we are doing or what else is going on in our lives.
Whiterose: Any other pearls of wisdom or comments you’d like to share with us about LDRs?
dmbdmo: Love is a precious gift that should be cherished. Too many people go through life without ever having experienced the beauty of love. I believe you have to open yourself to it and accept that it may not be in the package you dreamed about (i.e. in terms of age, distance, etc.) but that doesn’t mean it should be denied. In order to truly open myself up to this relationship, I had
many obstacles to overcome. I never took the issue of our age gap lightly and was terrified about telling my parents. Ultimately, I realized that my home was with my husband and my life would not be nearly as fulfilling or content if he wasn’t a part of it. Once I got that, I had no choice but to start sorting through the circumstances/obstacles keeping us apart and find a way to make
it work. Obstacles such as distance can be changed but living without having the person you love in your life will not bring true happiness. My husband and I did what we had to do in terms of the LDR and, looking back now, we probably didn’t have any other choice. Having said that, I am very happy now and very glad that we didn’t let the distance prevent us from having the beautiful relationship that we had then and continue to have now.
Whiterose: Any more words of wisdom for the rest of us in age gap LDR‘s?
dmbdmo: I first posted at Agelesslove in the fall of 1999 about ¾ of the way through the separation period with my husband. At that time, I felt very alone and miserable and didn’t know how to find my way out of the blackness. I was grappling with trying to figure out how to accept loving a man 26 years my senior and how to share that with my family. I also had to learn how to admit that I had made a huge mistake by breaking from him and figure out how to swallow my pride and go back to him. This forum helped me to not feel so alone and to realize that the core issue and focus for me should have been my heart and my
feelings for my husband. As a poster wrote in response to my very first thread – the only questions that matter are do you love him, how does he treat you, can you live without him. I since learned that the age, distance, family, etc. were all circumstances that could be modified/fixed because the very core of our relationship was and is one of love, mutual respect and a whole lot of fun. The support I received at this forum was absolutely instrumental in helping me move forward in my relationship with my husband. The people who post here are great and full of insightful wisdom and thoughts. I want to thank everybody who takes the time to share a piece of themselves with others in similar situations – I know it helped me and I’m sure it helps others. For those of you still trying to find your way through, I can definitely state that these relationships age-gap, LDR can and do work. The only key is to listen to your heart and let it guide you to your wonderful future.
Thank you so much, dmbdmo, for sharing your story with us!!