How to answer the critics of ym/ow?

I live in a small university town...really it's deadsville usa. I can't stand the small-mindedness some people exhibit about the ow/ym relationship. Most people don't know that I've had one, and sometimes it hard to listen to the radio dj's, or people who've never dated someone outside of their *age range* rant on about it. I've chosen silence...and I ignore them...for life...anyone else come up with something to do to shut them up pdq?

Hi! I would start by pointing out two things. First, as far as I know (any big stories to the contrary from the other side of the Boards?), society's always been pretty accepting of OM/YW relationships. Why should OW/YM be any different? Double standards are INHERENTLY unfair, so I'd start with that.

Second, I'd point out that the only thing that really matters is how the two of you feel! When you're with someone compatible, you don't even notice the age diff. after a while!

Slowly but surely, OW/YM relationships are becoming more accepted and commonplace. Where I live (in one of the biggest cities on the planet), I see them quite frequently, and have felt perfectly comfortable engaging in them. I've never lived in a small town, so I don't know what it's like. Hopefully, the openness to new things and different lifestyles that one sees in Los Angeles, NYC and other big cities will trickle down to the smallest village in the land!

Find the man you love, stand tall and walk proudly!

Dave

Personally, I haven't had to deal with this, but if it were a guy being negative, I would say, "Oh, but if you were seeing someone really younger than you, that would be okay, huh, since it's been going on for hundreds of years?" and if it were a woman being negative, I would say, "I sense a little jealousy here." Then just walk away.

It's really nobody's business except you and your man. Essentially everyone else can F off! :D

YAY Peachy! Good answers...hope I remember them if I need them. So far I have only gotten dirty looks from strangers. :(

I grew up in a very small town, Witchy. I know exactly the type of town you are talking about. People tend to become more judgmental in small towns, in my opinion, because they are less exposed to different types of relationships such as age gap's.

I love Peachy's approach, but I also feel that it's good to just go on and live your own life the way you want to and ignore the comments of ignorant fools.

If it gets to the point where it bothers you so much it's affecting your happiness, then it would be time to move because you just cannot change people who have nothing better to do with their time than wag their tongues.

I don't know if Susan Winter covers this in her book (I really need to go get that book!) but she did say on the Oprah show that she lived in a small town when she started seeing younger men and she was virtually ostracized.

When you are directly involved in a conversation,
and people are going on about "Oh they are soooo
freaky; he's 42 and she's 58," that's your cue to
speak up and introduce your own situation. You
can say "Well that's nothing. I'm ___ and Bob
is ____ ! What do you think of that?" ;)

It should be done with a sly smile or a grin so that
people are confronted but in a non-hostile manner.

As far as staring goes, that's rude. I stare back at
people (usually guys) who I think are staring at me
for some reason. It can be like a game to see who
breaks eye-contact first.

Another technique would be to carry a camera
with you. See someone giving you the "staredown
routine?" Pull out that camera, and carefully and
deliberately aim it at them.

Finally, you could get an "in-your-face" T-shirt printed
up with a message, if you're that type of person.

Imagine a T-shirt with a photo of your and your
mate transferred onto the front. Possible
messages to put underneath:

"Ahhh, you're just jealous"

"Quit staring, loser!"

"YM Delight!"

"Got YM?"

The best thing about the last two is that curious
people will ask you "What's that mean?" And you
can just tell them.

I'd say try your hardest to have FUN with other
people's ignorance and bigotry. The only way to
confront bigotry is head on. Being silent, quiet
meek and deferential is hopeless.

Good Luck!

...In the end, it doesn't help things much either.

A lot of it depends on your personality.

Some of us relish confrontation. There has to be a
reason why so many Americans file lawsuits against
one another. lol :D

If people start lookin' at Peach and me weird, I just start groping her and add a little bump 'n' gind to the mix! :D

I told her that if anyone makes any negative comments on us, I'm just gonna start having sex with Peach right then and there in front of 'em! Then we'll see what them idiots think!!! :D

First off, I think most radio DJs are sexually-frustrated, locked in adolescense, know-nothings that love nothing more than the sound of their own voice. Its real easy to talk like a big man when you're locked in a booth, can screen callers, and don't have the people you're talking badly about sitting across from you. With the exception of a few decent DJs I've listened to..there are better ways to make a living.

Its been awhile since Ive been in a situation of people staring, or whispering to each other while I'm with someone that's older. Mostly it would be the woman, or the wife of the couple making a disapproving expression but it would pretty much be gone once I set my fork down, looked across the table, and rested the full weight of my gaze on her, as if she was something I was contemplating ending the life of. As far as other men and husbands I've never had problems. My ex-wife was never one for compliments or being sweet but she once said she loved how other men avoided any chance of confrontation with me, and how when necessary I give off this force field of "stay away". I have no interest in picking fights, proving my manhood, or being arrested for battery, but this thing she mentioned has helped keep me from having to get in someone's face, or having to behave in a way that I'd prefer not to. I also think that as a YM, or just being a man period, when you're with your loved one, they feel protected and safe and know that NOTHING could harm them...all the stares, comments, and worries about what others think just simply fall away..and only the two of you remain.

I've got a feeling that Joe could relate to this and know what I'm talking about. ;)

We live in a rural area, very small town. We are only 12 years apart and everyone says we don't look even that much apart in age and we have never had any comments nor looks and are always assumed a couple.

The cutest comment was from my neice who is 5 years younger than me and 7 years older than my husband. She said that I am her hero. She thinks it is great and says alot to appeal to someone younger.

I like Peachy and Joe's retorts.

If confronted with negativity though, we would probably just ignore the fools for ruling out so many wonderful people in their lives for such foolish reasons.

Originally posted by Aloysius
I've got a feeling that Joe could relate to this and know what I'm talking about. ;)

I hear ya' bro! And yes I know what you mean! :D

I'm actually starting to see large age-gap relationships (ow/ym) here in Phoenix! The other day my mom and I were in the car. I started laughing when I noticed that both of us were rubber necking a couple (with an obvious, *large* age gap) walking down the street hand in hand. I laughed so hard when I realized that we'd both stared! I said, "Mom! Look at me! What am *I* staring at!!":D She cracked up, too. She said, "Well, they sure looked happy! We must have laughed at ourselves for a good 5 minutes, though.

Well Greg and I were mistaken for mother and child once and that really did a number on me. We were fairly new in our relationship, maybe 9 months or so. But that was about two and half years ago. We've never seen or heard anything since then. We've never seen anyone else sneer, stare or laugh. We're usually too caught up in ourselves to notice what other folks are thinking or how they are responding. Really.

When I was so crushed about the waitress thinking I was Greg's mom, I thought about it all for quite a while. It was very disconcerting to me. But at that point I was still very insecure in our relationship. I wasn't convinced that age gaps could work. I was freaked out in my own stuff. So I was very raw to receive any kind of remark.

Now I am much more at peace and I've lived through a negative experience. I don't care for confrontation and I've never sued anyone!! I would most likely respond in the matter stated above which would be to laughingly tease the naysayer by indeed saying "Oh really, my boyfriend and I are 16 years apart - eegads!" I'm sure they would be so embarrassed at themselves. I would just chuckle and let them off the hook gently. "It really does take some getting used to, doesn't it?"

I think ignorance in many cases is indicative of fear and lack of experience. I don't think it is malicious initially, although some folks manifest it that way.

But I don't really care that much. I don't have the time to spare on folks with so much negativism. I have to take care of myself, my children, my extended family and my relationship - in any given order on any given day. Whewy!

Cindy

Dave and I don't bother. If someone has a problem with us -- it is *their* problem -- not ours. We neither want nor need anyone's approval, so we don't dwell on people who don't approve...it's pointless.

We are open about our ages and our gap and the fact that we are incredibly happy together. We never miss a chance to let people know that age is only one the things in a relationship. If you are compatible, it is not the most important. Sometimes people just need to hear this now and then.

As for the others ...the best revenge is to live well, so I guess we get revenge every day. ;)

Peace,
Jane

I found a really GREAT response last night:

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE, IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!!


;) And it worked too. ;)

LOL Molly!

One of the duo fsmous for the song of that name used to live here. Don't ask me why but the hollywood set likes it here. But my point? Even though there are tons of educated and affluent people who live here, still the public at large bashes ym\ow. On USA channel while watching 'Hannibal' Snickers had a commercial featuring a ym who asked a much older woman for her digits...and then they said he did this 'tasteless' thing because of hunger! What assholes would run this? I think it's just the same as attacking interracial relationships, or any other. As long as the ym\ow is the object of ridicule, we won't get parity....and yes..my relationship is over, but there are tons of others out there.

Originally posted by molly
I found a really GREAT response last night:

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE, IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!!


;) And it worked too. ;)


LOL!!! :D

Yeah, if you hear a DJ make a comment like that email or call her and tell her she must be either 80 years old or a member of a patriarchial religious cult to have made such an inappropriate, offensive comment. Tell her you are thinking of suing the station for age discrimination.

Tread lightly there thatgirl. . .tread lightly. . .

Originally posted by Cindy
Well Greg and I were mistaken for mother and child once and that really did a number on me.

Cindy

Well at least I don't have that to worry about since he is black and I am white. But he does seem to play nice with my sons that are his age. LOL

Originally posted by MrsHedgeHog
Ya know, I live in a "not all that small" university town and was shocked to here the "prime time morning" deejays making similar comments. They were going on and on (and on) about how Cameron Diaz was overheard talking a LOT about how she is ready to start a family and how Justin Timberlake was taken aback (and less than enthusiastic) about her comments. The female deejay then went on to say that she knows there is an OW/YM trend going on but that the Diaz/Timberlake incident is proof positive for why those relationships don't work.
How ignorant.

I have gottent the mother/son thing once, but the lady in question was really embarassed when she found out that I was older than both she and her husband. The comment was not malicious, but my GF was bothered by it at the time.

As for responses to criticism, to men, I can only say that they should thank me for not diminishing the pool of younger ladies. To the women, I simply say that since I am not dating them anyways, what difference does it make?

In truth, aside from a few stares and the mother /son comment, we really havnt gotten much in the way of comments. While we do live in a somewhat small area, we are fairly private people and most do not know we date. Those who do know have been very approving. Still havn't discussed it with the folks yet, but neither of us is ready for that one yet.

Ultimately, the question is not what others think, and a DJ's oppinion is absolutely the last one that I would worry about, but the question is how good is your relationship? If the answer to that question is that the relationship is excellent, then that is far more important than what others think. After all, they are not the ones who have to live your love life, you are.

In the end, I do not have any silver bullets or magic charms that will fix the criticism. People will always have something negative to say anyway, so if he was older and you were younger, idiots would simply find somthing else to quack about.

One rhetorical question: do these DJ's actually do anything, or do they just sit and snipe at eachother and everyone else all day?

Danelectro