Need Advice - Family threaten to break!! (ow/ym)

This is my first time posting -- I've been lurking for a while.
Here's my situation: I'm 26 and currently in a serious relationship with a woman 7 years older. My parents went ballistic about it, and just wouldn't accept my "willingness to settle for someone like that" -- as if I'm settling for a Hyundai cuz I can't afford the BMW.

I've already made up my mind that their approval, though highly desirable, is not a necessity. The thing is, being a member of a first generation immigrant family, I know that my parents will need some serious assistance when they get old, so I promised them that I will take care of the mortgage and themselves in the future. I even made sure that being willing and able to help out with my folks one of the traits that I look for in a woman. Here is the C4 -- my parents are so unaccepting of us, that they feel unwilling to accept help from me, AND that they would move back to their country where they would have more friends, cuz they would have "nothing to live for here anymore"!!!

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Well great! Now I have a family threaten to break up if my girlfriend and I won't. I'm in too deep with her, but my family have been through so much together through the years that I would hate myself if I let it break apart. My girlfriend knows that I'm having some problem with my folks, but I don't dare let her know the whole stake, cuz that would do some serious damage on many ends. Now I'm taking fire from both fronts, if you know what I mean!!!
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WHAT TO DO???? Arrrrgghhh!!!! Help!

do you give in to blackmail?

Hi hthu and welcome to Ageless

I am sorry youre in such a mess right now--I can feel your frustration through your words.
I cant imagine what this is like because my family may have *opinions* about the type of man I *should* date; they keep quiet. I am allowed to make my own decisions and we can discuss them without too much tension.

That being said, I know your parents are immigrants and perhaps traditionally used to having alot more pull in who marries into the family than many of us can fathom.

You cant change how they feel but you can change how you react to it!

I agree with Nessa about standing up to them. No need to be disrespectful or rude. Stand up and say "This is the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I will be there for you as my parents regardless, but my heart and mind are made up."
Then give them a few days to digest it and deal with it.
Its very unfair of them to try to influence you in this way.

I wont even adress the 7 year age gap as its really nothing. It means she was in the first grade or something when you were born--both Babies!
I want to know what ELSE they dont like about your woman.

Please tell me there has to be more the extreme objection than 7 years??:rolleyes:

Welcome to ageless. :)

I am sorry that you're having these problems with your parents right now. Their reaction to your relationship has put you in a very difficult situation.

But, I agree with everyone else. I am assuming that where they come from originally age gaps must be deemed unacceptable? Otherwise, like Raven said, is there more to the story? Do they just not like her personally? Have they even met her yet?

It's very unfair for them to threaten to move away from you. But, I have a feeling that they would never really do that. But, if they do, then let them go.

Parents should love their children unconditionally. And, when their child finds a partner that makes them happy, they should keep their mouths shut about that partner no matter how they feel about that person.

Your job is to continue to honor your parents, but that doesn't mean they control what you do. Their job is to let you go and be the individual that you are. They need to let you live YOUR life. They need to respect and let you be the adult that you are.

I hope that you are able to have open communication with your parents and that in time they will learn that a 7 year age gap is absolutely nothing! Ask them if you were a daughter instead of a son, and if you were marrying a man who is 7 years older, how would they feel then?

Thanks everyone of you for the support, as I felt quite alone in this thing. I am going to reply to some of your very thoughtful posts, and give more to my story (of course, there is always more to the story than can be said in one megabyte)

Nessa - you are right about them being controlling. It is exactly what I'm trying to break away from -- hopefully without breaking apart the family though. I guess I AM trying to stand up to them. I just don't want to look like a bully -- or worse, selfish -- myself.

babes66 - My family is from China; and yes, the cultural background is a factor. However, the cultural background is not as weighty as my parents' inability to give up their OWN prejudice against age gaps. They compare it to my inability to give up my relationship. Yes, I also told them that my girlfriend is, in effect, the BMW I had always wanted. They just don't see it that way.

ravenglow, whiterose - Yes, they have met her, ONCE! The worst part, my parents don't even WANT to know anything about her personality and so on. The AGE thing became an overriding factor that I'm having a hard time trying to get them to SEE PAST. They can't/won't get past that stupid NUMBER and see the PERSON and the relationship.

MrsHedgeHog - right on the nail about "guilting"!! I guess that's like the most powerful tool parents worldwide use to get their children to do whatever. Time to bring on the big guns...

All in all, I love my parents and would hate to see them go. Although you are right - I doubt they would really do so. Still, I'm still having hopes that one day they will at least be less hostile about it. I still am trying to make everybody (that I care) happy, but I know sometimes it's just not realistic. They are stonewalling and I'm not giving in, either. A deadlock is not good for anyone involved and this has already taken a toll on the relationship.

Here's my new question to all of you. See right now, my parents have in their heads a pretty twisted picture of what my relationship is like. As time goes by, it only gets more twisted and ugly cuz they have only seen her ONCE and I don't think they'd like to see more. You all know what I mean, right. Is there a way to correct this? Is there a way to (gently) force a better picture into their head?? Or is it just not possible and I should just mind my own business? In your experience, how do things like this usually go? Thanks for all your inputs. Sorry about the long post.

One thing I seem to recall you saying is that you have not exactly told your g/f everything that is going on between you and your parents.

I encourage you to do so, because as you said, it is causing some difficulties between you and her. She needs to have all the information about what is going on. Otherwise, she is basing her reactions on partial information.

About your parents -- you cannot force them to like her. You cannot force them to even want to see her again. You have no control over their feelings. What you can control is how you react to them. You should be telling them in no uncertain terms that while you respect their opinion, it IS your life that you must live. Be consistent with them and make it clear that nothing is going to change your mind about her. Hopefully, in time, they will slowly come around. I'm sure they're not the first parents who started off cold with their child's partner. Others have and have eventually come around once they've gotten to know the partner better.

But, first you need to make sure you don't lose your g/f! So, please take some time to fill her in on the whole story before she assumes that something else is going on and wants to end things as a result.

Originally posted by whiterose
I encourage you to do so, because as you said, it is causing some difficulties between you and her. She needs to have all the information about what is going on. Otherwise, she is basing her reactions on partial information.


Agreed. I'm going through something similar myself, and if nothing else having my gf's support helps an awful lot.

I realize that different cultures have totally different ways of seeing things. But I would think that regardless of the culture, parents would want their children to be happy. Assuming that you outlive your parents (which is normally the case) would they want you to be alone for the rest of your life? I really don't understand family members thinking they have the right to tell someone who they can love.

If you are in a healthy relationship with someone who loves you and treats you with respect and whom you love and respect back, what more would a person ask for?

I also think you should discuss this with your girlfrend so that she knows the reasons behind your stress, because you have got to be experiencing some stress about this.

Let me ask you this: Are your parents the same age? I suspect not. I suspect your mom is probably younger than your dad. Ask them why this is acceptable. What is the difference? What if they lived in a society that frowned upon the fact that couples were not the same age?

I see that you are torn about this, but ultimately you are an adult now and you have to make the decisions that are going to fulfill your life. Yes, parents are the people who gave you life and raised you, but they cannot fulfill all a person's needs when you become an adult. In a healthy family environment, most parents realize this.

Maybe you should print out some of the responses you get on this board and show them to your parents.

BTW, welcome to the Board and I will tell you that 7 years is not even an agegap really!:D

Wow hthu, what a situation. I just want to start off by saying that you are obviously a very intelligent, sensitive man. Your posts were very well-written and it's obvious that you care very much for both your girlfriend and your parents.

You know inside what is the best thing, and I don't get the impression that you are at all willing to give up your girlfriend. That's a very good thing. And no one should let someone else's prejudice influence his or her life.

You said that your parents are not likely to actually move back to China. Is there a chance that you will be able to eventually work through this?

I know in my family, there is a really strong sense of "propriety" and there have been many cases of certain people becoming estranged due to the fact that they didn't live their lives in an acceptable manner (translation: my family is a bunch of snobs). Is your family like this? Are they likely to actually stop talking to you over this issue? Or are they just trying to exert control? The answers to these questions are very important.

They're using guilt to try to manipulate you. You could end up being very unhappy living your life for your parents instead of for yourself.

I do know that parent/child relationships are different in Chinese families than in typical American families. I had friend in China. She told me that, even as adults, the children still listen to and obey their parents, no matter what the age of the child. I don't know if what she described was typical, but I had the impression that it was.

If you stay with your girlfriend and your parents witness your long-term, consistent happiness, they may eventually come to accept your relationship.

Welcome to Ageless hthu

I am sorry you are struggling with your family not
accepting your older girlfriend.
I know how a situation like this feels.

My ex husband is 6 years younger than me.
(Which is a very small age-gap).
His family was not thrilled with the fact that
he was involved with an "older woman" or very happy
about the fact that I had children, (he had none).
Regardless, we married and eventually,
his family accepted our relationship.

Yes, our marriage failed, but our age difference played
no part in that.
I am 47 and he is 41 now- we look the same age and
some people even comment that my ex now looks older
than me!

I have learned that no matter what the differences
there are in a couple's relationship -
whether it be cultural, religious, age, race or whatever-
if you have a committed and loving relationship,
most family members will, in time, accept it.
But the key word here is time.

I know in my situation, in regard to my ex's family,
it took about a year for them to accept that we were
going to be together and once they accepted it-
we all got along fine.
As a matter of fact, my ex's sisters and I became
quite close.


Obviously you are old enough to know what
you want in life and once
your parents see the strong and loving commitment
you have with your girlfriend, they will come
to accept it and as time goes on-
the age-gap will become invisible.


I wish you the best in this!




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<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">They say theres a place
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They never said where
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<FONT SIZE=3 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Mary Fahl</FONT>

All you can do is tell your parents that you love them and that you love this woman too, and that you will not be forced to choose between people that you love.

Reassure them that you very much don't want them to go back to China and that you know that it may take some time for them to learn to accept your relationship and that is OK, but it isn't negoatiable that you would abandon this person that you care about - you owe her love and commitment just like you owe your parents love and commitment and you fully intend to meet these responsibilities to all three of them.

I know it's hard, but all you can do is state your position lovingly, and hope that good sense and caring will prevail in the end.

Hi there! Congrats on being a first generation American. My children are also first generation Americans. My ex-husband is from Beijing, so I am pretty familiar with the culture stuff at work here. Although we did not have an age-gap, we had a serious culture gap, we did have some resistance from his family. They were not as thrilled as one would think with the idea of an American daughter-in law. They had grave concerns that their grandchildren would not be able to speak with them in their native language. Family resistance is a tough one.

I too encourage you to include your ow in the situation as much as possible. You will benefit from her support. You are entitled to your life. You do not owe it to them. It is your choice to date whom you wish and their choice to accept it or not. However, if they really cannot accept this and trust in the wonderful job they did raising you, then they will lose a lot: grandchildren, family, the love and respect of thier only child. We cannot control others. We love our parents, but we cannot live for them.

Thanks, you guys!! It is great not to feel so alone in this anymore. I must admit that being able to talk about it with other people helps a lot. The kind of support and advice I get from here far exceeded my expectations. I'll be sure to keep you guys posted on its progress. Until then, take care and God bless!!

I am not going to make light of this situation, by any means. This also goes against the very fiber of my being...... BUT LIE!!! Tell the parents she is only 2 yrs older. If it is too late, LIE AGIAN. I, with out a doubt would keep the BMW. I know your family means the world to you. But if she is the ONE..................That is the needle in the Hay stack. We all seek what you have found,,,, LOVE. What ever you chose to do, you will have learned valuable information about your folks.

Originally posted by Rustysmyname
I am not going to make light of this situation, by any means. This also goes against the very fiber of my being...... BUT LIE!!! Tell the parents she is only 2 yrs older. If it is too late, LIE AGIAN.

I actually think this is good advice. *dons flame retardent suit*

Were you serious or being wise?..... I could'nt tell... By the *dons flame retardent suit* comment....He would have to let her in on it though. Again,,, goes against my grain, but what they dont know or think they know wont hurt them.

KEEP THE BMW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL no I just meant that, although I think your advice is prolly really very good considering his situation, that it might not be well recieved here by the community cuz lying is bad. :D

Well,
That piece of advice is for HTHU to determine if it is right for him. I have never been one to care about what the gen pop thinks about my opinion. It is a tough situation for him to be in and I felt his pain in his words... there is no quick fix that I can see. I personally would call the parents bluff and stay in the relationship.
You know what bothers me is that his parents seem to put their happiness first.. Very selfish...
Lose Parents=BAD
Lose GF=BAD
Keep the BMW=GOOD
Lying= BAD=keeping BMW and parents

Originally posted by Rustysmyname
Well,
That piece of advice is for HTHU to determine if it is right for him. I have never been one to care about what the gen pop thinks about my opinion.

This is a prime example of my "take what you need and leave the rest" philosophy that I alluded to on another thread. When we offer someone our opinion, it's up to them to do decide what to do with that opinion. So, the general opinion of the community population isn't what should drive someone's choice in their own personal life.

I like the idea of lying too if it saves this relationship. However, I have a feeling his parents would put two and two together pretty quickly and realize that something is up.

Originally posted by whiterose
However, I have a feeling his parents would put two and two together pretty quickly and realize that something is up.

I agree with you definately. I am guess the proverbial ship has sailed on the lying idea.

Hmmm . . . I believe what you really mean is for him to keep the Hyundai . . . he has compared her to the Hyundai . . . "as if I'm settling for a Hyundai cuz I can't afford the BMW." I took this to mean that his family considers her to be of the Hyundai quality.

LOL, I actually got a chuckle out of this because I sold my Jaguar and bought a Hyundai SUV. And I can tell you that the quality is every much as good in the Hyundai as in the Jaguar and it fit my needs much better.

Probably the same with his OP's girl. Her quality is probably every bit as good or better than someone his parents would approve of and he knows she fits what he wants.

Rustysmyname - thank you for your input, but in my situation, lying my way out is not possible. Before I let my parents to meet my gf, I didn't even tell them her age -- they suspected it when they saw her, and confirmed it upon further "interrogation". To top it off, they asked me about it afterwards, and I told them the truth. I am not THAT good of a liar.

I'd simply ask your parents to respect your choice of girlfriend. And then I would sit back and see what they said. They may go off and yell or scream, or, if you say this in a mature manner, they may simply feel that YOU are making this decision. In any case, I think it's important that you not let them bully you. If you give in now, you will be giving in to them for the rest of their lives. And if they want help packing, tell them to call a mover.
Witchy

I wish you well, but I also want to say that your family will always be there in life. Relationships come and go.
Make your decisions wisely, be respectful of your family, be respectful of your feelings.
Let your family know your feelings of this woman, do you wish to marry her?
Don't burn bridges, you might need to cross them again.
~hugzz ~Tammy