He wants kids and I'm too old

The man I have been with for almost 8 years (he is 18 years younger than me) has decided he wants to have kids. I'm too old to and now we have split up so he can pursue this. We both still love each other and it is tearing us up inside. My kids are grown so I have sympathy for how he feels but I am devasted. It's not like you can go out and get a new hairstyle or new dress to look better in his eyes - it is totally out of my control. And now he has met another women in another country that is more his age and she wants kids as well. I am feeling old and worthless at this time. And further more, my 28 yr old daughter is pregnant and I can't seem to get behind it because it just makes me feel older. I'm just wondering if anyone out there has experienced this kind of breakup before and how you dealt with it.
I've never done anything like this chat thing before so I am desperate to hear. It seems all my friends don't want to be around me now as I am so depressed all the time.

HP...welcome. sorry for your pain...but it sure sounds like a raw deal to me... he knew going in. to stay with or leave a partner because they can have or not have children sounds rather shallow to me. especially after an 8 year commitment...

i have no words of advice. i have no magic way to get over it. time heals..and you will heal.

I'm sorry that things didn't work for you. I realize that this advice is useless to you, but for any other OW whose YM wants kids should make sure he is aware of the variety of methods of having kids, such as adoption, or finding a younger woman to have his child by artifical(or natural if you're not jealous) insemination which you raise with him, or several other possibilities. Again, I'm sorry that he left you for a younger woman without considering these options.

I'm sorry for your disappointment as well.

I have learned to ask very pointed and pertinent questions when meeting new young men in the past, several in fact that help me to decide whether to continue or stop right at hello. And the most important is do you want children of your own ... The answer to these questions allows us to "locate each other" and better able to decide if we are in the ball park on important foundational issues. Adoption is another option for some, but not for others and all in all a very individual choice.

Again sorry.

Hugs,

Princessdy

Welcome to Ageless highpriestess

I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering right now.
I wish I had something to tell you that would
allow you to feel better.
I know what you are feeling runs very deep
and the only thing that can help most, is time.

I am also saddend to read that you cannot get
enthused about your grandchild being on the way.
I was blessed with my first grandchild last October and
she is my precious little angel.
Your daughter really needs your support right now
and if you can try hard to be there for her,
I know you will not regret it.

I hope all the YM that visit Ageless read your thread-
as this is such an important factor in the OW/YM relationship!
What you are going through is an OW's nightmare
and I hope the YM that enter into relationships with OW
put a lot of thought into the subject of having children.
If they feel that there is a possibility they do
want children of their own, they need to make sure that
is communicated to the OW they pursue from day one.

This is a concern I have had since first considering
dating YM and I even posted a thread about this same
subject when I first came to Ageless.
I am 47 and do not want to have any other children.
(Tubes are tied anyway).

I pray that you find some solace over this soon-
you have friends here.
Please post as often as it helps.

Take special care.



<FONT SIZE=3 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">They say theres a place
where dreams have all gone
They never said where
but I think I know
Its miles through the night
just over the dawn
On the road
that will take me home</FONT>
<FONT SIZE=3 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Mary Fahl</FONT>

Its one of our downfalls for dating ym, especially vym. Although they say at that moment, they don't want kids, at some point mortality stares them in the face and they realize they would've lived this life with nothing to show for it. At times love just isn't enough.

But at the same time, I can't blame him for wanting children, i know I do, and it saddens me to think at 44 my time is slowly running out and I will not meet anyone to have children with...I'm sure when he first started going out with you, he honestly thought he could do so without it being a problem. Love and having someone in our lives, sometimes overtakes us and we feel on top of the world, nothing could ever go wrong...but it did, he just change. It is not your fault, it wasn't anything to do with his love for you and we could all say you could've adopt...but as we get older adoption is difficult and for some they can't learn to love a child who is not their own. Yours are grown up you said, its not like he's had to parent them. It is natural to want children. It will be painful for awhile....but know that you are loved within your family...take the time cry, be angry, be sad, and let peace guide your to live well and support your daughter who's hoping her mum is remembering what it was like, when she first held her own child in her arms and help her to have the best experience of her young life.

Stay strong, stand clear in your devotion to yourself and your family.

Paris

He loves you and find another woman his age online who wants kids too?

I am sorry but this is not love. There are other solutions that a man in love could find in case he wanted to have children, like adopting.

Would you have left him in case you had found out he was sterile some years ago when you wanted kids?

Take care of yourself, real love does, real love doesn't leave you just for a selfish desire.

As much as it seems like it at the moment, this is NOT completely an agegap issue. The outcome would be the same if there was no agegap, but you were sterile. You aren't the problem, but his immaturity and selfishness is. Unfortunately it seems that his way of dealing with what he wants to to completely ignore your feelings and run out like a kid in a candy store grabbing at the closest chocolate. One can only hope it makes him throughly sick.

Like many people I met my husband on line, but online relationships can also tear apart a relationship that has problems. People can believe what they want to believe and choose not to see the truth and just plain not care about the people already in their lives. I'm sorry that your partner thinks that what he can get elsewhere is better than what he has at home. He's wrong. Children aren't something you pick up at Wal-Mart. They require the care of both parents and are very very expensive. He will pay through the nose for this folly if he keeps it up. I'm just sorry it's hurting you so much.

I would strongly advise you to seek counseling with a minister or counseling center and work through your pain so that you can enjoy your grand child. It would be a crime if he took that from you as well.

Peace,
Jane

Did the two of you discuss this issue when you first got involved? If so, then it is unfortunate that he changed his mind. Susan is right. He is shallow and certainly does not love you. Or it may just be a cop-out for another reason that he wants to leave you. Whatever has caused his commitment to dissolve, I think that you are better off. Who knows how else he might have failed you in the future if you had stayed together.

Take your time and heal and then move on to your next relationship. It is obvious that you are a caring person capable of dedicating yourself to a man, so you should have no trouble finding one who will hopefully respect you more than your ex did.

Now, go knit some baby booties!!!

Wow...what a great reply DragonFly. I think this way...but thinking and being able to express in words are two different things. I completely agree with you. Ahhhh yes, respect. It's all about respect. I have a feeling that this guy probably has had issues with other things along the way...not just the child thing..and it sounds like they are all his issues...and about his immaturity..and selfishness...you deserve much better..and I'm sure you'll find it. Treat yourself well...and get through the pain as best you can. It doesn't sound like he knows how to love or knows what love is ....

Originally posted by Dragonfly
I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with such a horribly painful situation.

This is I think... on the most fundamental of levels ...about respect. When you love someone the most fundamental feeling in that relationship should be respect. Respect breeds everything else that we equate with loving someone and being loved. What your ex-YM did is quite simply disrespectful... and on so many different levels.

To disregard a women simply because she is unable to give a man a child is reprehensible ... PERIOD. It reduces a women to her reproductive system ... and that is unacceptable on ANY level.

Love is about respect ... and when you respect someone ... you love them for who they are fully ... not what they can give you. You love them for what they already bring to your life ... and in spite of what they cannot.

As BearsAngel said... this is not about you .... it is not about your age. This is about the shallowness of this YM... about his inability to show you the respect that you deserve as a human being. My heart goes out to you.
Peace and Blessing.
Susan

Originally posted by BearsAngel
As much as it seems like it at the moment, this is NOT completely an agegap issue. The outcome would be the same if there was no agegap, but you were sterile. You aren't the problem, but his immaturity and selfishness is. Unfortunately it seems that his way of dealing with what he wants to to completely ignore your feelings and run out like a kid in a candy store grabbing at the closest chocolate. One can only hope it makes him throughly sick.

Jane, this is so true. And what guarantees does the young man have that his new young woman CAN have children? And what is he going to do if she can't?

I agree that there are many ways to have children, even his own children, and still stay with the OP if they truly love each other and want to make a life together. I am wondering if that is the whole issue with him, or if he is either just bored with her or has fallen out of love with her or there is something else going on here.

Highpriestess,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a relationship breakup...it must be very painful after 8 years. You'll be fine......it always hurts at first, but as you know by now, this will only lead to new love and exciting possibilities.

AT this stage, while youre processing everything and rebuilding your defences, I would *strongly* encourage you to doubt your partner's excuse for the breakup.

My guess (and its only a guess, I know) is that he was looking for an excuse to break up with you which you would have to accept, and which you could not argue with. Its much easier for him, that way.

The whole `children' issue provides such an excuse. It also gets him off the hook without looking bad (the truth may have made him look very bad indeed, especially if it involved him being too superficial to deal with an aging partner).

If I were you, I'd accept his explanation for breaking up with a grin of salt. It just doesn't ring true. I personally know and have met plenty of couples who can't have children, and the men don't just leave.

I smell cowardice and dishonesty, high preiestess.

I agree with all of the replies here. I definately think that there was something else going on. I have friends who have been married for many years, who were unable to have children. One of my girlfriends is diabetic and miscarried every time she was pregnant; they finally gave up trying to have a baby, even though they wanted one badly (expecially the husband). They are still a very close couple whose love for each other is evident to everyone around them. Their dogs and their cat are their "babies."

My husband is 24 and I'm 51. He would love to have a baby. He's told me, though, that being with me is more important to him than having a baby. I believe him.

I'm so sorry about what that guy did to you:( It's just not right, and it's really sad. You deserve a man who will truly love you.

Welcome to Ageless highpriestess

he knew beforehand that u couldnt have kids,so why now, the excuse of wanting kids ?? there are so many other options to have a child. my heart goes out to u ......... be strong

my husband fabio , and i talked about this as well, he has alwayz been adament about not having kidz, as i to cant have anymore. he simply doesnt like kidz , we have little pekinese dogz, urmmmmm 3 of them, which i think are " our babies "

thinking of u highpriestess........ mika

I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone else posted! There is something else going on here, and it is all about his problems, not you, highpriestess. Sending you love and hugs...things WILL get better.