self esteem

well - I've been here in Florida since May 25th. It's June 14th. Matt has not called me once. I had the feeling that when I came down we would be easing out of the relationship, but not like this.
I think that I posted that we had a fight two nights before I left and it left everything up in the air with no real closure.

I called him once and talked briefly, but he hasn't called back. Every night, well almost every night I obsess on the fact that he hasn't cared enough to call. I keep waiting for a phone call when he is drunk or something telling me how much he missses me and loves me and maybe even an apology. But nothing.

There's a lot of boring details but the crux of the matter is my feelings of being used. I know he DID love me - for whatever reason. Now I am feeling homely, old and that I have been deceiving myself. I am staying with the folks and that is nice. My Mom is getting better(of course the Alzheimer won't ever go away) but physically she's improving. I am making them 3 GOOD fattening meals a day, and I am eating right along with them. I'm not exercising because of depression and I just can't shake it. This thing with Matt is like having your water heater go out, or something to that effect. I need to have it right. When something is wrong, everything is wrong. wawa huh?

Anyhow - on one of my early mornings(I get up around 4am everyday because I just can't sleep) I decided to post my profile on a dating service. There have been about 100 guys look at it and I have had those 4 people "wink" - 4!! I know I am a strange woman and I don't try to hide it in my profile, but geez - 4?

Well, I'll be going home the end of July or early August - don't think I'll get to visit any of the people I wanted to down this way because I am not going back to get my truck and driving down. That's a bummer too. The good thing is that my parents have agreed to relocate and I am very happy and relieved about it. I can see how relieved they are to have me here to help them.

I've been watching the coverage of the Reagan funeral and seeing Nancy lay her head on Ron's coffin is too much. I know that feeling and the emptiness is starting to permeate everything.
I remember the thread about codependency, or "do you need someone in your life?" Oh yeah. I see it clearly now. I need the water heater fixed in order to carry on....it's just me. I wish I was like some of you gals or guys who are happy pursuing your goals. I guess my goal is being part of loving relationship.

Oh well - just needed to vent. I'm sure this won't last forever but I hope I don't get too out-of-shape before I return to PA. I need to get my sh** together!

(oh - on a side note- one of the guys who "winked" at me is a 44 year old. He said he has always had a "thing" for older women. It made me laugh because with my mindset I think of him as an older man)

Abby, that's just horrible that Matt hasn't called, even to know how you arrived, if your parents are okay, even as a friend. It's either a bad case of pride or a complete lack of attachment to you, and in any case it's sad to see.

I guess in your head things are really over since you have posted your profile. It's probably the best thing to do, seeing how he's ignoring you. Now you have to learn how to cope with being alone, but in a sense you had been alone many times, even when you two were living together.

Although I feel that you still have hopes of getting together with him, prepare yourself for restarting your life under new basis, take your time and find someone who will adore you.

And as your signature so wisely says:

"Gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over"

Be good to yourself.

Abby, I'm sorry you are hurting and feeling down. ((hugs))

I know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't meet your needs, but you just can't let go for some reason. (been there, doing that)

It's so much easier to tell you these words, than it is to live it myself. They say things happen for a reason, I believe it. Only problem is life gives us big signs and "outs" to bad situations, but we don't see them or take alot of times. Maybe we're too stubborn.

Three years into my 15yr marriage, my hubby cheated and confessed. I had a newborn, but looking back I realize that was a huge "out" god gave me. I was suppose to leave then and see my miserable future with him in that moment. I went into denial and stayed way longer than I was suppose to. Maybe this deal with your parents and your decision to go there was your "out" for a relationship that wasn't making you happy anymore.

It hurts that he doesn't call, but try to see it as another big sign that you are better off moving on. You deserve so much more and CAN HAVE it ...... but only after you close this chapter of your life and heal. Instead of you feeling rejected, try to feel empowered and see it as YOU making choices that will eventually bring you some peace. Instead of being reactive about what he isn't doing...... be "active" in healing yourself.

Don't roll your eyes at me sis!! LOL..... I need to print this and read my own words over and over, cuz I'm in the same pattern right now. Feel free to PM anytime..... and just ride the storm of emotions out.

You have come so far in becoming a better person and having a better life is around the corner, just not with this one.

Gypsy

Man do I love you guys. You are better friends than any of my friends! I knew you would make me feel better and kick me in the pants while showering me with with love!

Thank you all!

Abby, stop being so hard on yourself. You're grieving the loss of the relationship you had with him! There's nothing wrong with that. It's normal to feel the way that you feel.

And, about needing someone, I'm one of those who believe that it's perfectly ok to admit that you need someone in your life. Co-dependency is only when that need becomes so powerful that your lives intermingle and you can't tell who is who. You begin trying to fix the other person and take on all their problems. Maybe you are co-dependent, but I don't think that's the issue right now. I think right now you are hurting because a man that you love has not bothered to call you.

This time in Florida will prove to be a good thing. Although it hurts now, being able to see his true colors will benefit you in the long run.

You are a beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and funny woman. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being a wonderful person. Give yourself time to grieve what you have lost with him, but stop beating yourself up over it! :)

Abby - - -

I know you are hurting, but you need to begin to heal and get over him. You know his disease is the reason behind his behavior . . . and you know he knows he has the problem too to or he wouldn't have seeked help once . . . BUT until and unless HE decides he is going to help himself, YOU can't have a healthy relationship with him.

This is one of those things that is out of anybody's control except his and you need to take all the happy memories and put them in your special memory place. Take all the unhappy memories and throw them out. This is not an easy thing for anyone to do and when there is also the outside influence of caring for your parents, you can't devote as much time to your healing as you should.

But you need to work on taking care of yourself and lean on us as much as you need to. We are here for you and will help you in any way that we can.

Whatever you do, don't let this thing with Matt even begin to make you think you are less of a woman. You know that is not the case. He is not man enough yet to admit that the alcohol has a total control over him and he is probably letting the best thing he will ever have slip away. I do feel sorry for him if and when he ever realizes it. Because by that time, you will be looking forward instead of backward and on your way to a new and healthy life.

If you get a chance, go to the bookstore and buy a book called "Who Moved My Cheese." And read it over and over. It is about making changes and with all you have on your plate right now, a lot of changes are inevitable.

Take care of yourself and keep coming here to our couch! We may not be professionals, but we do listen and we will offer any suggestions that we can and we do care. :)

You have been given tons of great advice gf! You knew of Matt's problems and if I recall, even question if you did love him awhile back. For him not to call is hard, but in the long run, is he really the man you want for the long haul? Would he take care of you if you got ill?? Those are the things to think about. You have a respite of sorts in Florida (and yes we will get together once I am healed better!) and time to think about what you really need, desore and want. And as far as that dating site... I too could not believe I had all those "hits" (which was yours time 3) and less winks than you and like only one email from a man close to 60! It did kill my self esteem; hence I dropped it like a hot potato and even wrote and told the company I did not think that knowing the number of people who looked at your ad was not beneficial at all. And in that case, ignorance IS bliss!!! :D

Hugs, and I will be in touch
Linda

Hugs to you Abby
I have walked where you are now....
it's a rough road.

You cannot "fix the water heater" Abby.
Matt is the only one that can fix himself and all you can
do is work on you,
And as hard as this may seem,
you need to learn how to live without that "water heater".
And whatever you do-
don't go out and hook up with another "broken water heater".

I lived with an alcoholic and tried like heck to
fix him, which was to no avail.
Walking away was the hardest thing I ever faced doing.
It was like turning my back on a drowning man-
but I had to save myself, (and my kids), from drowning too.
It's called self preservation

This is the perfect time for you to make the split
with this man and set down a plan for you.
Right now you are mourning the loss-
allow yourself that for a short time, but then get
busy and work on yourself.
Why women will work so hard on fixing a broken
water heater when they have the means to stoke their
own fires is beyond me?
I did exactly the same thing.

I'm trying to work with your own analogy here-
so excuse me if it comes off odd.
LOL

What I am trying to say is women who love
alcoholics and drug abusers waste too much precious
time working at trying to "fix" these "broken souls"
and they neglect themselves.
What you need to "fix" is you.

Distance is what helped me the most in ridding my
life of the alcoholic man.
This is why you are in such an ideal situation now
to face the reality of what you have with Matt
and make the needed changes to rid yourself of this pain-
once and for all.

I know you don't want to do it.
You wait for him to call and he doesn't.
You have visions of him drinking and then wait
for the phone call that arrives with him in a drunken stupor.
Why?
Why hinge all your happiness on a drunken man's actions?
You need to focus on your actions and
dismiss whatever it is this man chooses to do or not do.
The only thing you can count on with this man is that
he will drink to get drunk.
The rest is all a crap-shoot.
You deserve better than that Abby

You could take this time to read up on alcoholism-
maybe even join an ALA-non group for something to do.
The information will help you get a grip on what
you need to do for you and will open your eyes as
to what you can and cannot do for Matt.

Alcoholics don't love themselves.
They rarely know who they are and how in the world
is he able to fully love you if he doesn't love himself or
even know who he is?
You are in love with an illusion-
something that you will never truly be able to feel.
It's all a reflection of your own emotions and the
pain in loving a man like this is isolated and excruciating.

If you love him-
let him go.

If you love yourself-
let him go.

If you need a shoulder to get past this-
I am here for you Abby, just PM me.

I have walked through this fire and I can honestly
tell you-
you can do it.
There is a wonderful life waiting for you.
You've thrown how many life preservers to this
drowning man to only have him toss them aside as
he keeps on drowning his sorrows,
(which are born from the alcohol abuse).

I just don't want to see you go under with him.



<FONT SIZE=3 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

abby...*H*
you'll make it through, and look back and see the lessons. know that you are admired for all you have done, all you have given

Oh Abby, you're far from homely, and old.
Alcoholics...
The "big I" as the counselors in treatment centers call it. Alcoholics can be sweet, charming wonderful people, but always the big I will come through.
I know its kind of a cliche when someone says, its not you, its me, but in this case, it truly isn't you, its him.
And until he wants to fix it, it isn't going to be fixed. Loving an alcoholic who has no desire to quit is the most ego bruising, self destroying exercise there is.
The booze will always be the "wife", the best you can hope for is mistress.
You always come second.
Learn to love you, hard as it is. We're not conditioned to do that, but its so very vital.

Originally posted by abby

I am making them 3 GOOD fattening meals a day, and I am eating right along with them. I'm not exercising because of depression and I just can't shake it
Oh well - just needed to vent. I'm sure this won't last forever but I hope I don't get too out-of-shape before I return to PA. I need to get my sh** together!



I know it hurts and I know it sucks but, please, do not stop taking care of yourself. I am a HUGE advocate of exercising and what it does to keep us strong and make us feel better. I have seen countless girlfriends of mine gain 20, 30 plus pounds when a relationship has ended and then when they are finally through the worst they are stuck with all this weight to lose.

When they are ready to go out on the scene again, they don't feel 100% about themselves. I have also seen their men come back after about a few months and these women feeling horrible because the guy sees how they let themselves go because of them. I don't know about you but I would not want to give ANY man that kind of satisfaction. I may hurt but I'll be damned if he's gonna know about it.

Even if it's a little exercise, not your normal routine right now, just do something everyday. This too shall pass and you will feel better that you took some kind of control. Good luck and remember, we have all been there.

You have no idea how much your replies mean to me. I am actually NOT feeling sad tonight. Each of you has made a good point that matters to me and has actually HELPED me.

Maria - really - what kind of man wouldn't even lay it down to call and at least see if I made it or how my folks are???

Nessa - I know it has no bearing on me- he's the creep. Thanks for the reminder.

Gypsy - I'm not rolling my eyes honey!! I really do need to see this as an opportunity to escape the situation. And I actually was veiwing it that way because I knew it was bad - but the way it ended hurt. It really is the perfect out.

And yes, MArianne - I don't want to return home being anything but on top of it all so I need to watch myself. I will be walking back into the same bar one of these nights for a beer with my friends and may run into him again. I just need to keep thinking about it! Whatever the incentive.

Amina - I think that is one of the most frustrating things. I can't talk to him about it and it seems like he just doesn't care. How could he just not care, assuming he cared at all!

Sage - I guess I really did think I could fix him. How many articles have I read stating that you can't do that!

WR - glad you understand my need to be with someone. You are right though. It is good that I am seeing his TRUE colors. This may have dragged on for years. Or we may have had a horrible breakup and I would have been stuck there in the same town with it all!

Linda - get your butt down here and party with me!!

Libby - I'll try to find that book. Sounds good. I need a good read to occupy my mind. Thanks for imparting your wisdom,,

Christina - I'm sure this is a lesson learned and I REALLY hope I learn it. Thanks

and Bella - you are right, and so is everyone else about alcoholics. I not only come in 2nd to a bottle of beer, but to all the alcoholic friends he has. Unless he needed to "snuggle" (euphemism there!) I hope that is not all that it was - I actually remember a time when I could tell he was in love, but I don't know if he knows how.
Again, thanks friends.

Abby, it's a long road and I bet you know that when you think you are okay, next you know you are longing again, suffering again, asking questions again.

You are right to try to go out and meet people (whatever means you choose) because loneliness makes us weak and when we are weak we tend to look for help from the only other person who knows the problem, who knows why we are weak: and often they are the same ones who hurt us.

It's not easy to forget someone you loved, you shared a part of your life with, but here is a case when future can only be brighter and happier. Go for it, go look for your happiness, Abby. :)

Originally posted by MariaLux
Abby, it's a long road and I bet you know that when you think you are okay, next you know you are longing again, suffering again, asking questions again.

. :)

You're so right Maria. Two nights ago I was convinced I wouldn't feel sad again. Saw Matt as the creep he is. Felt uplifted by the things you all told me. Then, last night in bed,......thinking about our little apartment, our little bed, him pulling me up close to him at night...yadayada....sucks. Why do we torture ourselves so when the facts scream out STOP!

Being with Mom and Dad I see a perfect example of love. They are like Ron and Nancy - only eyes for each other after all these years.

I REALLY wish I was the type of girl who COULD be happy alone. I would feel a certain dignity about just living out my life here enjoying my family but not complicating it with another man. After all, I am counting on being with my husband when I die, but I am so weak!

Abby, I just don't believe that humans were meant to be alone, so I think what you are feeling is completely normal.

You're missing a man that you loved. It's not your fault that he has the problems that he has. And, it's his loss if he doesn't care enough about you to make the effort to continue the relationship from afar. You're a wonderful, beautiful woman. In time you WILL feel better. It takes time.

Focus on you and your parents. Love usually happens when you stop looking for it. ;)

God, Abby! Been there done that! You are getting great advice from everyone. Leaving the alcoholic I was involved with was the hardest thing I ever did...even worse than the breakup of my 18 year marriage ( he was probably a fucntional alcoholic..he was definitely a workaholic). All I can say is...things WILL get better..you WILL heal...and as long as you keep your hope and faith alive, you WILL meet someone wonderful! Hugs to you!

Thanks girls. I appreciate it. Having a good night emotionally.

take care

I just remember all too well when I was there where you are now. Although we had never lived together, we had had a two year relationship, we had grown closer, I grew in love. I needed him, or so I thought.

When everything was over, it was my self-preservation instinct that stopped me from going back to a situation that had broken my heart. I couldn't have anyone else calling me names like his mother did, I couldn't see him breaking any more promises. You see, I had reached my limit.

Then, what had seemed impossible, was not. I recovered! I never forgot, I will never forget, but life taught me one valuable lesson when I met Jason: that I could have been trapped with that sick family for life if I hadn't been brave enough to quit. That I would never have known what it is to feel deeply loved by a man who is a million times more gorgeous, more intelligent, more human. I am grateful everyday for the things I heard here in Ageless, because although I am sure I would have left him anyway, it might have taken longer, and if it had taken six months longer, Jason would have come, said hello, gone away and I would never had noticed him. :(

Nobody knows the future. My mother says the future belongs to God. You might have just gotten your freedom - which seems like a punishment now- so that you can meet someone else. It may be some completely different lesson leading you to a direction we don't dare imagine at this point.

I believe this life is like a school and that we are here to forge our souls, to become better, to know pain so that we don't harm others. I hope Matt is learning, too. And you, my friend, you have graduated that subject and now you are ready to collect your prizes.

Maria what a beautiful post...it hits home for me also. Thank you for putting it into words in such a lovely way :)

Abby, I am glad to hear youre doing better tonight; we are thinking about you!

Matt's sister-in-law just called me. She said he's drunk every night. A few other details but he said he missed me and that "Abby misses me"

you know - I wish he'd crash and burn right now. Not saying that to be mean, but I don't think he'll survive if he doesn't hit rock bottom and change. I do like him(love him) and don't want him to ruin his whole life.

Abby, I'm here too ... :( ... Why don't you come for a visit "to the other side". Linda and I are planning a get-together next month. Maybe we could all arrange to meet at once ... to view the new Linda, lol.

Give a call girl ... and you are doing great ... hang in ...

Hugs,

princessdy

People have always said, "You should always think of the other person first."

Well, not always....think of yourself first, Abby. You are a beautiful, warm, bright woman...who deserves the most out of life and out of love. Of course, this is not the first time I've told you this, either...

You are a strong, confident woman...I know you are, I've seen it. Keep your head up high...and know that, you truly are not alone at any time.

Just remember, you always have friends here...who love you, and care about you and will always lend an ear to chew on...a shoulder to lean on and a heart to cry on....

*Hugs*

~Dan

awwww Dan...we will get together when I go home - right?

Thanks for the encouragement!

since I have no one to talk about this to in rl and I am sick of this conversation I'm having with myeslf....

Matt called yesterday - very uneventful and meaningless - almost a business call.

did a lot of thinking about it and realize how scared I am to cut things off with him. how scared I am to say "get lost" how in the back of my heart I am seeing us getting back to "normal" when i get home.

so I need to reprogram and reprogram myself stronger and less needy.

I WILL help him all I can IF he comes to the point he wants to change. w/o the bullsh** He needs help but I need to be be tough and not fall into the cycle again that will only hurt us both. Too many others that aren't addicted need my help now.

I can kind of picture it when I go home. Him needing a place to stay - someone to love him, etc etc....

Anytime I asked him why he loved me, and pushed the issue, the answer was pretty much "because you love me"

I believe that, and it makes me sad. Not for the obvious reason, but because that seems to be his limit.

Eyes wide shut.....him not me

*H*


hard getting past the point of needing... to wanting... you will make it. believe in yourself...you are perfect, whole and complete, exactly how you are. repeat as needed, change the thought, then the reality follows.