Why didn't it work out?

I have a question for the members of ageless who have remained here after their relationship ended with their YM. If you are willing to share, I'd be very interested in knowing why things did not work out. I see alot of posts that indicate that the relationships usually end for "normal" reasons. In other words, it had nothing to do with the age difference. But, we don't always hear everyone's story.

So, if you are still here after having been in an AGR that ended, please tell us, did you end it? Or he?

And why? For example, did it end because of specific problems related to your age difference? Or, did it end because of problems that any couple could experience that is not in an age gap relationship.

Originally posted by whiterose


And why? For example, did it end because of specific problems related to your age difference? Or, did it end because of problems that any couple could experience that is not in an age gap relationship. [/B]

I've had one relationship with a man that was 12 years older, one that was same age and two that were younger (one by 6 yrs, the other by 9yrs).

The older guy and the same age guy both ended up cheating on me so that is why those ended. The other two ended because I just could not commit to them the way they wanted me to. It was not because of the age difference but just that I am beginning to realize that I am probably not the best girlfriend material.

I don't condone what the first two did, but I do know that in the beginning of a new relationship I'm great but as time goes by I start to feel suffocated and want to distance myself. Eventually they either look for what they need somewhere else or want me to change. Not exactly a recipe for a healthy relationship.

So there you go. I've had the gamut of ages and none of them worked out. My age gap relationships were not big enough gaps to probably be considered but they were gaps, nontheless. By the way, I've got a guy interested right now who is 13 years younger than me.

I'm sure this will end up the way they all do but who knows.....time will tell.

Can't help you here. All the relationships I've had with big age gaps HAVE worked out and all the ones I've had with people more or less the same age as me HAVEN'T.

Which may or may not mean something. :D

He never said...."guess what, it's the age difference...." BUT....he couldn't bring himself to tell his parents, and he's now with a just-turned-20-year-old girl. It wasn't that I was too "old" for him and he had issues with my age (he was the one that always convinced me he loved me and my age didn't matter...plus, being a Type 1 diabetic for almost 15 years already, he didn't want kids, and would probably experience degrading health issues at the same rate I did later, so we matched physiological ages and familial goals)....the issue was that our age gap was "politically incorrect" and too hard to tell his parents about knowing their disapproval and very real possibility of "shunning" him if he didn't end up with a young virginal girl (the goal for men with mormon upbringing, ingrained in his brain since birth.... he even admitted the mindset was lame but unshakable).
He does not now, nor ever will embrace his family's belief system personally again, but he can't shake the thought patterns and judgment they brought him...or the fear of their disdain should he have stayed with me openly. It's EASIER for him to be with someone younger...and at 22, easier feels better, more manageable. I remember caring a lot about what people thought when I was 22....These days, heck....who gives a rip as long as I'm happy and making others happy with my life.
Someday, he'll realize that choosing what HE wanted rather than what everyone else wanted FOR him will hit. It always does... That will be a sad day.

My relationship ended in 2002 after nearly three years. There was a 29 year age difference. We looked very age-gap, but it was never a problem for us. Intellectually, and spiritually, I've never had a better match. Emotionally he was more mature in some areas and very immature in others. He was never a popular person, better with animals and ideas. Very creative, poet, writer, musician.

Our problems stemmed from long distance and age. I knew he had always wanted children being an education major he loved them. I was 49 when we met and he was 20 going on 21. He was engaged but unhappy and before we even met, he broke up with the young lady.

I was very reluctant to get committed to the idea of a future with him, it seemed so unreal to even contemplate. I was sure in person we'd feel silly. But I loved him deeply almost from the first communications. I met him by accident doing genealogy on my family history. His name was the same first and last as my great and great, great grandfathers. He lived in Poland.

I was in the process of divorce when we met and I traveled there for three weeks. His family knew how close we were, but never imagined there was romance. At least not his Dad. His mother began to notice when they wanted to be hospitable to me and their son kept getting angry at them driving us places.

We went camping in a single tent, single sleeping bag and then they knew. I was afraid I'd be thrown out of their home, but they had liked me the minute they met me. It was arranged that their son take a year off of graduate studies to perfect English and see what he wanted to do.

Our life together was bumpy because my ex lived in the mother/daughter apartment and it was awkward for all of us. He had been emotionally and physically abusive, but neither of us wanted to put the other in a financial bind so we decided to see who could buy the house out first.

My ym knew my ex left me with a lot of bills and although he legally could not work, he got a job roofing in SC which is hot, hot, hot. Poland is a cold climate.

My ym had hoped I'd come to live in Poland intially and when he would not leave after the year (and school would have been forfeited..free at that time for him there), his parents fixed up their home more like mine and welcomed me. But I have two children and two grandkids and my ym knew I would be unhappy.

He pretended to not miss his friends and family and I only found out later that he was desparately homesick. The problems he thought he could solve for me were kingsized for him, but he did his best.

I insisted that he go home and finish his three years graduate work and see what would happen. I did get pregnant during the year visit and was hopeful, but lost the baby (at 50) and figured that it would be a shame for him to not have the child he wanted. He acted like it didn't matter, but I knew it did.

When back home, he refused to go out with others for a time, even though I insisted he be free. He was very lonely and only lived for the PC. Eventually, he began studying with a young female and he talked as though she repulsed him in some ways, but I sensed the opposite.

By the time he was to come back for the summer, he was torn between feelings for her and me. I thought if he came, he would lean towards me again, but then we'd have another few years of agony, so after a lot of debate, I told him to stay in Poland for the summer. Shortly after that, he decided to make his life with her.

It broke my heart because I hoped if you set someone you loved free, they might come back. The year or more of him being sure we would work, made me feel like I could set him free. But he did not come back, so he was never really "mine."

To this day, I love him (but am dating again and finally love anew, but different), and his girlfriend had contacted me to tell me that she knew he was to come back to America, but just wanted to know love until that day. She said she wanted my forgiveness and to know me as I will always be a special part of the man she loves. We all write and he married two weeks ago.

Sometimes things just don't work out..the love may be there, but in LDR's , it gets to be emotionally detrimental...sometimes you have to ask yourself , "is all this misery and heartache worth the bother?" but it was supposed to be love unconditional...novel thought..but reality hits home when you are crying every night and day because you can't just be with the one you love...long distance and intercontinental relationships are out with me..I do have to credit the times I was with my special one of a lifetime..I can just reflect, it was the happiest and yet, the saddest time of my life...I will always remember the good times, the laughter and the warmth...but everything happens for a reason..karma is into play every second of every day...I consider myself the luckiest person having had that relationship..too bad we both were not filthy rich and could continue the travel across the pond...but in retro-spect, I am a fortunate soul having finally known love in this lifetime:)
peace

I had one other age gap relationship (17 yr gap) 4 years previous to the one I am in now. We started out as friends and ended up getting intimate. About 6 months in to the relationship he told me that we had no serious future together because he wanted to have children.....but there were other issues, mainly on my part that he really wasn't the type of person I could spend the rest of my life with (totally different interests , not much to talk about..he was NOT a deep thinker at all). The only reason it went as long as it did was the comfort factor and the fact that I enjoyed having someone to go places with (we never did live together). I ended it finally and it was tough, because even though I didn't really love him, our pattern of interaction had become a habit. Had to break it. VERY glad now I did, and the ensuing 4 years of living alone and being celebate MADE me take time to really be who I am and take stock of what I wanted out of life and a relationship, so that the way was finally open for the great man I have in my life now.:)

I appreciate your compliment and if my story touched your heart, it makes me glad to have shared it. There are a lot of people at this board that I feel special about even though I rarely post. You and Streff are two whose stories I have followed. You are a brave woman, yourself. I am routing for you!

I failed to say a lot about my new love since the thread was on the why of breakups. Just wanted to enforce the idea for anyone going through something similar how resilient the human spirit is. My current boyfriend has my heart and even though I said I still love my former YM, it is a love born from the satisfaction of each of us doing the best we could and the respect that has lingered. If I had the opportunity to do it again knowing how it ended, I still would, but if I had the opportunity to have him back now, I'd pass.

My current boyfriend is four years younger, hardly an age-gap at all, but to him it must seem big. His ex-wife was almost ten years younger and they never had children. I have grown sons and and grandkids and that must make me seem ancient!

My new love is totally the opposite of my former YM. I never imagined I could love him. But it goes to show you that you should never limit yourself to an age or a type. Love happens. He has made me very happy, but I am aware that there are no guarantees in life.

To Meshunny, I give hugs. Babes admired my ability to be self-sacrificing. That can be a liability if taken to extremes. Men like to be heros for us. What I love about my new love is that he is so capable and reliable, I never have to give it a thought.