thoughts on taking a break

Am going to echo some recently posted thoughts on this site and say how helpful everyone is and how much I enjoy coming to this site. It is now part of my daily routine and tho I sometimes trawl through and don't comment, so many of yr issues are applicable to me too. I don't know anyone else in my situation, maybe OW/YM are not as prevalent in australia as elsewhere, but sometimes I feel like the lone soldier and sometimes I just go with it. My partner is 25 and he is an old soul, really into security and work, and of course me. Trouble is we have been in this wonderful honeymoon period for 8 months, its been so delicious and I really thought he is the one for me on this soul journey. Who would have thought at 44 I would find him,we would find each other. To us the age thing only came up initially and no-one has made any negative comments. We both work and have fallen into this habit of spending every night together, he has his own place and I have mine, and so we have become mutually exclusive in a way.
He had a lot of bills after buying a house and so money was tight for a while which meant we didn't go out much. Truth be told I am a party girl who likes to do movies, bands etc, and I play flute, am gearing up for a PhD, love dance classes and have an endless list of "will do" things like acting etc. Combine that with the needs of two kids who spend half their time with me and life is full. I balance that with downtime at home just vegging out in PJs or lying in bed on the phone.
This weekend he went away with his mates, told me the day before he was going and seeing this is the first weekend in 8 months we have had time just to ourselves I was a bit peeved that he chose his mates time over me. So rather than sit around moping which is not my style I picked up the threads of my pre Daniel life and have spent the long weekend with friends, going to parties and out with the girls, and truth be told have not missed him at all.IN FACT am now being reflective and thinking what does this mean. He rang me and was wistful, honey I miss you, and I couldn't think of anything to say.
I guess my point is I am now thinking maybe I have given up a lot of things to accomodate this relationship, and I don't think the same is true for him. AND I really like my life and am thinking maybe I should do more of the things that make me feel complete and fulfilled. I know when we have discussed this in the past his emotional insecurity has shown through and he pretty much said i didn't love him and didn't see us as a couple because I wanted to do things without him. Truth is I am happy to do things with him but he is in to things I'm not and vice versa.
I feel like a break or at the least reassessing the amount of time we spend together, but on past suggestions of backing off a bit he has become upset, and questioned my committment. I don't really want a live in lover, I like a bit of time to myself, and I love seeing my friends and having long conversations over drinks or coffee about politics or life or kids etc. Any suggestions on how to handle the delicate subject of teasing out personal space in a relationship would be greatly appreciated. I don't necessarily feel this is age related BTW but he is handling the issue of our relationship as all or nothing while I am more pragmatic about it and see us as together for a long time (I love him very much) but just not together all the time. BTW for a newcomer to this site (have been here about 3 months) you can feel the energy and caring over the internet which is pretty amazing. Congratulations on creating a community Blessings be chez

You have more to accomodate for this relationship. He's 25 with no ties...you are 44 with a family, even though you have your children only 50% of the time. It sounds like you're keeping score, even if it's just in your head. It makes it sound like you are looking for a reason to leave, or maybe to stay, but either way, you are in a rethinking phase.

The only way to go completely wrong with the standing back phase of a relationship is to quit sleeping with the dude. Nothing panics people more, or has worse meaning that suddenly stepping away from the sexual side of a relationship.

The problem is his insecurity. There is nothing terribly wrong with wanting time to pursue things that make you happy and fulfilled. He's supposed to want you to be happy and fulfilled. He's an enhancement to your life, not a substitute for it.

It may be that he wants a more full-on commitment than you do right now (although I don't think having personal space to do things you like and having a committed relationship are or should be mutually exclusive), but if that's the case then he needs to decide if you are worth waiting for or not. In other words, would he rather have you, even if it takes a bit longer, or would he rather have a hypothetical commitment with someone else?.

There's no doubt that if you have this conversation that you have to be prepared for the answer you don't want to hear, but do reassure him that it's not about lack of caring, and afrer all, a relationship that makes you feel smothered probably has a short shelf life even if you don't bring it up.

And just maybe you will be able to tease out a time together/time apart balance that works better.

But hey, don't be peeved if he goes out with his mates.

What goes for the goose .....

Hi freespirit,

Did you see that episode on `sex and the city' where Carrie gets all worked up about telling Aiden that she needs time to herself after work? By the time she told him what she really wanted, she was fuming, when all she really needed to do was explain to him how important it was to her to have that time alone each day.

Anyway, when Aiden understood and supported her need for `alone time', she felt that she no longer needed it as much.

I kind of relate to that episode.......sometimes people blame their partner for being an obstacle to their happiness (like a scapegoat), instead of realising that all they have to do is communicate what they want in a loving way.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think its normal to crave time alone and space after you've spent a period of time focussed on just your partner, especially if you work full-time and time to yourself is short generally. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship....its just a period of striking a balance.

I think Desert brought up an important point too........ you have to be prepared to accept your partner's independence too, and deal with any insecurites you have about HIM spending more time away from you. From what you've said, he hasn't responded very well.................could this be because you're not communiating your needs very well, or do you suspect him of being too insecure or controlling?

Thanks for the input. Daniel came home today and we had "the conversation" about spending less time together and it didn't go well. He feels like I am pulling away from him and I am! But I don't want to be away from him, I just want some space. He is such a strong person, opinionated. I don't think he is used to having a partner who is as strong as him. Is this an age gap thing - I know my life won't fall apart if we end our relationship but I also know that's not what I want to do. He accused me as I suspected of not caring about him when in fact I care so very much about us. You're right witchy I am keeping score but I think when you're an independent woman its hard not to go to that headspace. I don't discredit what he has put in to the relationship at all but I know I have put in a lot more, financially, emotionally, eating humble pie occassionally, maybe saying sorry more often etc etc and its so easy for him to say he has put a lot in, its nothing compared to me, and yet he questions my committment. Sometimes i can't believe how much I give in now, the last thing I want to do is have arguments etc when I come home to my home. Its my sanctuary and I didn't realise how much I have subjugated my own space and self to accomodate this big personality. Ooops.
You're right DS He is supposed to be an enhancement to my life, not a substitute for it. Maybe I made the mistake of letting hiim think that he is my life, and he is just running with it. He is surrounded by unenlightened males, his dad is a doozie, racist, bigoted, sexist so he won't get any challenges from that quarter about respecting women's space. Don't worry Witchy I don't think I'm up to the challenge of not having sex with him, it's way too connected and dynamic to let go of. Thanks for all yr input I'll let you know how it pans out. I keep thinking this is what happens in long term relationships, people working things out ongoing instead of it all being smooth sailing. He was the one who said earlier on that just because we have a fight doesn't mean its over. I'm so not very good at relationships, a lousy track record. My nanna used to say I was too independent for my own good!!!love to all chez

Freespirit.... interesting NAME CHOICE...would you not agree??? :D And in a way, it tells it all! BUT that is not necessarily a bad thing! People are different; and their needs are differernt. I think your last post was analyzed beautifully! Some people "need" their SO's around more than others do. I am sorta like you, in your own evaluation. When I was married, I was the happiest when my husband worked for the railroad and was gone 4 nights and 5 days! The homecomings were great, and even tough I had to take care of the 3 kids and teach, I knew I had support coming along with knowing that I was still my own person and could do what I wanted when I wanted! And even before we had children, we were sorta like this, as we would both go away and visit friends and once we even took separate vacations! Personally, I would feel suffocated if I felt I had to be with him 24/7 and do everything together! Yet I have friends who are like that and are perfectly content and happy. We are all different, and like DS mentioned our SO's should enchance our lives, but in the manner that WE choose. Now if your ym is one of those who need someone 24/7 it is not going to work out, and not because of the age, but because of the personalities. I think you were "right on" about the honeymoon stage and the fact that someone like him could really love you....but then the re-evaluation process does occur... and if you have a lousy track record, then maybe you have not found the one who has the same needs as you do. On a personal note again, I think I may have found one like this and you would not believe how surprised I was when it was he who first brought up the subject! I was like NO WAY! :D I just hope that when we do meet, it will all just all fall into place!

My best to you....

hey SB I have seen yr posts before and thought exactly the same thing - v. interesting name. The great thing about daniel is he can talk about feelings and emotions, sometimes it takes my breathe away how he analyses everything, with insight and maturity beyond what I experienced when I was 25. We had a long long talk last night about our relationship, and decided to take out the option of breaking up from any equation as we can feel and see such a future together. It really helped to be able to tell him my anxiety but also to acknowledge what a liability independence can be sometimes. It is hard to give it up and as any woman who has given it up knows it is hard to get it back, and when you do you so don't want to go there again in a hurry. So we have done the space negotiation and worked out that we both have interests that take us off alone and people who we like independently of our mutual friends and thats OK.
I don't think you can discount yr own relationship history, I do a lot of meditation and reflection as relaxation, and if I look at my history about 8 - 9 months into a relationship I start to get resentful at what I have given up. What I need to do is look at what I've gained and start applying the energy wasted in negative thoughts to positive actions. Harder than it sounds. I have a bloody good ego which is also a liability sometimes, even though it has propelled me through life, as I tend to go me first (except for the kids) and SO second. And I have always attracted men who are needy which is probably where the resentment started.
What I really love about this relationship is it is a partnership, with someone as strong as me. It was so good to work it out and talk about all of this stuff. I'm so used to being the one who holds it together I keep forgetting I don't have to. Thanks for yr input everyone. SB hope it all goes OK with you and yrs. blessing be chez

Good on you freespirit; I think you've got a ghreat attitude and tenacity. I'm sure your relationship will be very successful!

Best wishes, Bel