can anyone help?

im sure alot of u have read my intro in newbies section...
i guess i should have "knocked on wood" when i was telling my story...if anyone can give any suggestions it would greatly be appreciated....

my y/m will be turning 22 soon...he started off being great to me...but just very recently i had to call off our wedding...i dont know if im jumping to far ahead of myself becuz of what ive gone through in my previous marriage or whta...but my ym has been using profanity aroun me & my children quite often when he is upset...& he has even started slamming doors...taking off.throwing things, and he has even gotten aggressive with me...
he says he feels bad when he acts that way...doesnt mean to do it...complains im not giving him enough attention...i just got custody of my 2 oldest boys 15 & 17, 6 months ago after a long 3 yrs...i have 4 kids plus him to spread my attention between...i am not joking that they literally argue amongst themselves who needs to time with me....sometimes i feel like im being torn between them all...my kids r top priorty of course but i refuse to believe that i could b neglecting him like he says i am...its just he has to share me with not 2 others but now 4...but i also think i may have realized something out about our relationship....b4 my sons come to live here i was deeply depressed...bcuz their father is ..lets say..not very dependable...they were raising themselves...so when i finally got them a large percent of my worries were gone ( came with a new set ) & during my deep depression my ym took care of me he was my rock my shoulder i leaned on him...& i think that bcuz im not doing that anymore as much he is hurt...he liked that i depended on him...& he is confusing that with attention? maybe...i hope i am making sense in all this...im just scared that his aggressiveness may turn into violence later...& i cant go through that again...nor can i put my kids through it...what should i do?i hate to throw away 2 1/2 yrs together...i could be wrong...i dont know...but i know that neither of us is very happy at the moment...& my kids r beginnin to suffer

Can he get counselling, or better, can you both get it? It seems to me it's a new phase of your lives, and you both need to adapt.

I think calling off the wedding was a good decision, until you know what is going on really. It would be strange that during two years and a half he hadn't shown at all this side of his, maybe it is really a phase, maybe he's not in his normal status.

As for your kids, you continue to do what you are doing, they don't seem to be the trouble, it's much more likely that the dynamics of your couple that has suffered and you both need time and help adapting.

& i believe i also 4got to mention that we live together too...which makes it even harder...i feel that was best to do...at least til this is figured out...& although he feels im the one who needs the counseling he said he would go ... should i give a time frame of what i expect or would that be too much?

I don't think we can ask for specific deadlines concerning something like that. I would probably know when enough was enough, like you did this time.

If you think he's willing to help himself and help your couple, I think it's worth trying. But deadlines, I don't know, sound like very unreal to me.

The time frame to give him is that the abuse has to stop NOW! He has to stop swearing, throwing things and being aggressive right this very minute.

You are describing abuse and it will only get worse. It is very telling that he thinks YOU need counseling, but he is willing to go, no doubt to hear the counseler tell you that you are the one who is wrong. This is the discription of an immature selfish YM who refuses to take responsiblity for his behavior. He's laying the blame on your for not giving him enough attention. It's anyone's fault but his that he is being abusive. This is very typical of absive partners. You need to do some research on abuse and then decide how you are going to deal with it. Having him live there just makes it that much worse. That must be a very scary thing to have to live with.

You do not want his abusive behavior influencing the boys, or worse...have him abuse them as well. You were very smart to call off the wedding. You do not want to marry him the way he is behaving now.

Don't think of it as throwing away 2 1/2 years, think of it as time inveted to really get to know him. Think how much worse it could have been if you had rushed into marriage.

I'm less inclined to support counseling when the man is abusive and won't even admit it. It will take a long time and a lot of work for him to deal with his own emotional problems, in the mean while he can continue to abuse you. You aren't married yet, so there is no reason to continue to invest time in a man who treats you this way. I know it will be very painful, but spending the rest of your life with him blaming you and maybe physically harming you is a whole lot sadder and more painful.

Peace,
Jane

ive tried having serious talks with him about this too.....he gets mad when i dont "listen" to him...i always do...but doesnt mean i will do things the way he wants....i meet him halfway at least on most everything...there was a time about a week ago he had gotten upset with my son....the second oldest...i wont talk to him when he yells or uses bad language...grew up in that & dont want it around my kids...well he got agressive and pinned me again the kitchen wall...i kept asking him to let him go & he was up in my face when my son came to the kitchen to get a drink...he saw him & told him to "let my mom go" he was clenching his hands....& chris sent him to his room...he got so angry that i was upset that he had done that he took off...if it had been my oldest son there & he saw that there would have been an altercation for sure! he has no idea that he does anything agressive to me he only hears the yelling

Run like the wind.....in the opposite direction from this man. Get away while you can. I tried to leave a man like that for many years, and it was extremely hard to get away. Run while you can; you'll save yourself and your kids a lot of heartache down the road. Don't make any excuses for his behavior. Don't question yourself...just get out.

I have to agree with the wise women who have counseled you thus far. I too am the single mom of 4. I too have a young man (very young man... sounds like yours started that way too (18 to 20)). However, he understands that he is NOT competing for my attention. He knows, at merely 19, that these are my children and that he is a partner, not one of the kids. He knows that the kids have needs that we BOTH must fill and he steps up to the plate happily. So this is not, imho, a situation related to age...

I commend you in canceling the wedding and urge you strongly to consider your living arrangements.

oops posted too soon...he also tells me hes not my ex...which ive never compared him...& says im so bent on showing him im not goin to be controlled i dont listen to him & do what he says...its sad this all has to be happening...he is the only "father figure" my daughters have really known since their own was never there for them....& they r goin to be hurt through all this as well...when they hear him yell at me or when he is angry they always ask if we r still goin to get married & if he is goin to be their daddy...they love him very much...im hurtin very much for me & my children

After your last post, I have to agree with my friends here.

He's not a safe person to have around your children or yourself. At least for them, you should have him move out.

thank you all for ur advice...things happen for a reason....i stumbled across this board just over a week ago ....& with all this going on...& no one to really talk too....thank u

I would still give him a chance but he has to admit he has a problem to you. I would suggest he go to some anger management classes because I know a simliliar person with these types of aggressions and it worked wonders with him and he was much worse. He would be the type guy that would want to pick a fight with anyone!! He went to jail for smashing out windows out of his girls mother's truck when she was holding his baby while driving. Sure that's a reason to get mad but his anger control made him act out irrationally instead of solving the problem non violently. He has had violations for simple assult and the windows sent him to jail.

Anyway's my friend has healed tremendously after going to jail and taking anger management classes. I really notice a huge difference and he has not lost his temper one time since then or talk about fighting other people. I never been to a class like that but I'm sure they teach people how to calm down, relaxation techniques ect.

If he is blaming his problem on others then that might be a problem for you. Calling off the wedding is smart until you know how deep this runs and if he is willing to get help.

Originally posted by whisper
Run like the wind.....in the opposite direction from this man. Get away while you can. I tried to leave a man like that for many years, and it was extremely hard to get away. Run while you can; you'll save yourself and your kids a lot of heartache down the road. Don't make any excuses for his behavior. Don't question yourself...just get out.

Welcome to ageless love, brokenfairy. I agree completely with whisper. BTW, I read your new member introduction. I would definitely recommend that you get yourself into counseling to explore why you continue to choose men who are not good for you. You stated that you had your first child at age 13 by a man 7 yrs older who ended up being abusive. And, now you are falling back into the same pattern with another man who you describe as abusive. You can't change these men. But, for your sake, and the sake of your children, you can change yourself. Please take a minute and think about this. Please get yourself some counseling to see how you can break this pattern of selecting the wrong type of men in your life before your pattern is passed along to your daughters.

the thing is....he didnt start off this way...i have known him 4 yrs & he was never like this until the last 6-7 months...gradually....no signs at all...he seem almost perfect..then i dont know what happened

i deeply appreciate everyones advice....my insides have been tellin me something isnt right...& of course i DO NOT want that for my children now nor for their future relationships...i have spoken to his mother whom i am very close to...& she cried to hear that her son was doing this bcuz she did not raise him to be like this...(i had to tell her bcuz she is making the dress as we speak...as well as my daughters)...she apologized that i am goin through this with him...& says its her fault bcuz of her currant husband who helped raise him wasnt a very good step father...not physically abusive but was verbally & emotionally...she said if she had it all to do over agaian she would never have married him...she had noticed things long b4 i & had said things to him that he was being like his step father which frustrated him & he would argue back that he's nothing like him...she suggested counseling also & also told me she loves her son but i dont deserve to be treated like this...& i should make him leave til he gets counselin...she loves the kids very much & is very saddened by this all...i feel so bad & want things to work out...but i know that is better for me to end this now b4 something else more extreme happens....thank u again for all the advice...none was taken as harsh i asked for advice & thats what u all have provided me

what if anything should i tell my kids?....they rnt stupid & will ask 101 questions....they all know the reason i left their real father...i just dont want them to think that every guy i may ever get involved with will turn out to be abusive down the line....thanx all

I think you are as honest with them as you can be. You say

"Kids...
Every human being deserves to be treated kindly and with respect. I deserve this and so do you. We love X, but X is not being kind and respectful. I cannot allow him to be unkind and disrespectul of any of us. X cannot live with us because of that. Just because X cannot treat us well right now, does not mean that everyone we meet will not treat us well. I am kind and respectful and so are you. We deserve to be treated the same way back. I love you guys very much and I will never allow anyone to harm you in anyway."

these ladies have given you such awesome advice...listen to them, most have been through it all and are here to tell you exactly what to expect. If anything I've learn from them is that abuse starts out the same...it starts out in baby steps until we accept it and then it takes on a life of its own. They've come out of it better and stronger for it and so shall you.

You cannot fix him with counseling, he's gotta do that for himself and what's important here are your kids. You work so hard to get custody and for what, to deal with these other issues. As Dragonfly said, its not enough to have your kids call someone daddy, he has to earn it. Don't worry about the whys of change, people change, hopefully before his next birthday the lightbulb will go off and he will realize that if he doesn't change to someone worth having, he will end up alone all his life, which will be sad indeed.

In the meantime, take care of you...your kids need you...I don't advocate having men living with me while I have children young enought to be influence by his behaviour (the de-attachment issue will be hard for the kids too), but I hope this will not discourage you in finding a mate who will respect you and love your kids by being a good example and a loving partner for you.

Like my aunt used to say you can only have one mother, a father can be anyone.

paris

Originally posted by thatgirl


Three dynamics, love hope and fear, keep the cycle in motion and make it hard to end a violent relationship.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That is *so* true! That is exactly it. Jeremy and I were discussing this just today - I was trying to explain what it's like to try to get out of a relationship with a man who's like that. He understood when I told him that the hope, and the promises of the abuser to change, etc., can keep the victim from leaving.

I was married to a man who was emotionally abusive at times. He kept promising to change, promising that it would never happen again, etc. I stayed too long, thinking that he *would* change and that it would be better for us to stay together for the kids. It took a police officer coming to our house one day (I'd called 911 because my ex had scared me to death that day with his out-of-control screaming, his getting in my face, and not backing off when I told him to, etc.)....that officer told me that if I stayed with my husband, the police would eventually be responding to calls of domestic violence at the homes of my sons when they'd grow up. That scared me into action - I made a decision that day to get out for good. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about how glad I am that I got out of that marriage.

Life is *so* different with a sweet husband. I feel so blessed every day of my life now; I feel like I'm living in paradise, and I'm not exaggerating.

Do yourself and your kids a huge favor and get out of that relationship before you get sucked in deeper.

thanks again for everyones advice....last night we began recieving phone calls from his family members whom his mother spoke to becuz she is concerned about what he doing & how he is acting...they all told him hes goin to screw up a good thing & lose me & the kids...cuz they all know how i care & love him...he has agreed to go to a counsler....together & for himself....until there r results his family understands the need to call off the wedding...they dont want to c me & especially the kids gettin hurt...he however still wants to get married...but is not goin to push me into it....he had moments of where he was goin to blow up yesterday but i saw him trying to control it very hard so i know he is at least tryin & i do believe counseling will definitely help...wether we will be together at the end of this all i dont know...but we all learn from things that happen in our life...hopefully he will learn that he cannot treat anyone like hes doing....

Hey broken fairy just wanted to add to what everyone has advised but firstly to let you know we all respect you as a person who has her own beautiful qualities. You have raised intelligent children who rightly question relationship dynamics. This is what will save them from falling in to that generational cycle of abuse. Congratulations on that alone, we know how hard it is to give bits of yrself to everyone and still try to maintain loving adult relationships.
On the subject of domestic violence, I worked in the field for a number of years with perpetrators and survivors, and the key thing that indicates this is not going to go away is the escalation of the abuse and the intensity. Thatgirl showed you the cycle of violence but those two indicators are the measure of whether it is an isolated and situational response or a more sustained pattern of behaviour. Yes yr relationship has changed with the introduction of more parenting time, which has taken away from yr own intimate relationship - there is only so much of you to spread around- but healthy adults know how to negotiate. There is no abuse in my relationship but we have had to do serious negotiation to accomodate our changing needs as the relationship deepens. If yr young man does not have these communication skills then he has to want to learn them.
From my experience working with men who perpetrate, and yr young man is one of those men, even when they have lost everything including sometimes their freedom, they still blame their victim. If only she hadn't called the police, if only she'd listened, if only she hadn't argued with me blah blah blah. Sometimes when they are sitting there in their prison greens with the weight of society through the legal system having reinforced they were in the wrong they still can't see it. He needs to change and you can't change him.
This is not love, he has changed and he chooses to act this way. that is yr hard cold reality - he has made this choice and now you have to make yours. Before you go to couple counselling he needs to do his own work on himself, and when you have proof that he has acknowledged and worked on some of his issues then you can talk together. Otherwise you are wasting your time. Wait till he has seen someone, then have some conversations about what issues came up and see how much he has taken the work on board.
In my opinion, and I did a masters thesis on the subject of perpetrators, so talked to a lot of these men, it can take years of intervention to make small changes. Your kids will give you unconditional love, and while they may miss his person they won't miss his violence. Ask them what they want for you and them. They'll tell you they want you to be happy, so they can get on with being kids and growing up without having to be scared and anxious. Domestic violence is a crime and men who do what he has done to you are criminals and don't deserve your love. Take care of yourself, climb in to bed at night with the kids and cuddle up and be loved and nurtured, have a massage, talk to your friends. Don't go back. You will find yrself in the same situation but with deeper scars. Blessing to you chez

It is my thinking that your ym should move out until he has gotten his behavior straightened out. If you still want to be in a relationship, you can still do that, but don't do it living together. This gives him more opportunities for violence. Once he comes through counseling and understands the concept of give and take, then perhaps he can move back in if you allow it. But til then, it is my advice not to have him around.

Also, I have grown up in an emotionally abusive and controlling environment, and it is what I have left behind me. It is not fun. Fortunately, I have come out of there swearing that I will not become like my father. He feels like he needs to be the center of attention, and often throws 'hissy fits' when he isn't. My OW tells me that if I ever raise a hand against her in anger, or try to control her every move, she is gone. And I know this is true, and I love her so much that I could never see myself doing that.

If this young man does love you, he needs to cherish and respect you, and also respect the life that you have outside of him. He needs to give you the space to raise your children, and not become jealous because they take away time from him. If he fails to do this, he isn't worth having around.

Originally posted by freespirit

From my experience working with men who perpetrate, and yr young man is one of those men, even when they have lost everything including sometimes their freedom, they still blame their victim. If only she hadn't called the police, if only she'd listened, if only she hadn't argued with me blah blah blah. Sometimes when they are sitting there in their prison greens with the weight of society through the legal system having reinforced they were in the wrong they still can't see it. Wow! That is so true. That always amazed me about my ex-husband. Nothing was ever his fault:rolleyes:

brokenfairy,

I agree with everyone else. I just wanted to add that I saw something similar happen between a couple I was close to about three years ago. A young asian lady had just newly emmigrated to australia with her brother, when suddenly her brother died tragically in an accident. So here was this young, lonely lady in a new country all on her own, dealing with shock and grief.

She met her bf then (an acquanitence of mine) and for three years he nutured her and she became compeletly dependent on him. This was a real source of pride to him amongst his friends.....he boasted about it...the way he `picked her up off her feet' and gave her a new life.

In the fourth year of their relationship, her skin disorder cleared up, she started a new job, and joined a local amateur circus group. She became extremely fit and her talents combined with her exotic beauty made her the star of the show.

Her bf started acting strange then, and none of us could understand it. We werea ll so proud of her, seeing her beat depression, but he wouldn't even come to her shows. He started to develop crushes on other women which he was very vocal about. He then started cheating and dumped her for a japanese student with no money and no prosects, who barely spoke the language.

Theres more to the story, but I won't bore you. He is no longer a freind of mine, but someone I despise and think of as a total loser.

I guess some (loser) guys get addicted to the sense of power and control of being with a vulnerable woman, and will not support her indepednece and good mental health. These people aren't your friend and are not worth keeping as a lover; they're power-hungry control freaks and a waste of your short amount of time on this planet.

thanx to everyone for ur advice...i am in the process of making some changes here...although it will be ruff...but will be for the best