advice please

My daughter just started seeing an 18 year old boy. He just recently turned 18 and she's 25. I have no problem with an age gap..my first husband was 15 yrs older than my and my current husband is 6.5 yrs younger than me. What I have a problem with is his age...he's just a boy. To me it is pathetic & disgusting. I pissed her off tonight because I just couldn't keep my mouth shut about my feelings regarding this relationship...I'm not normally an interferring mom but this just blows me away...any advice?? What do you think of a 25 yr old woman dating a just turned 18 yr old man (boy)? :confused:

sorry

hey beach... i moved your thread over to the OW/ym section for you.....

I know that it seems like a big gap but it's really not....trust in your daughter... she is old enough to make her own decisions... and if he is really wrong for her then she will realize that on her own..... but if she just leaves him due to the age she could lose the best thing that's happened to her.....they are only 7 years apart.... would it be so different if She was 37 and he was 30? noooo.. I am 29 years old married to a man who is 46... 17 years my senior... I am expecting our first baby boy together anytime now.....

Just love your daughter and be there for her.... she needs your unconditional love.... Please don't fight her.... it will only cause more problems between the both of you..... Like I said if it's wrong for her your daughter is old enough to realize that... and let them separate because of them not you because your daughter will hold a huge resentment towards you.....

:)

She's quite young herself, I don't see anything wrong in dating, she's not going to marry him right now, is she? Dating is a phase where two people get to know each other, and she might be as mature as he is, or less or more, at this age who knows really?

It's just dating, let them choose their partners, they are both adults now, she's not doing anything wrong. It's not his age that you have to look into now, since it's legal. It's the person he is. As you said the gap is really small, and these days, 25 year old may be closer to 18 year old in levels of maturity than when you and I were 25. The same goes to two 25 year olds, one may be a child and the other the head of a stable family!

Maybe you could get to know this boy and get to the conclusion he's much more of a man than many 30 year olds around?

He's an adult and so is she... what is the problem here Mom? Its your daughter's life I vote for you letting her live it. How about trusting in the, assuming, excellent job you did as a parent and faith in her judgement as a result of such good child-rearing? If she thinks he's worthy and you trust the job you did... then why not trust her?

They are barely age-gaped...


Signed,

Rebecca 36 loving and living with Devon 19

Oh come now, what could possibly be your objection?
For the record, lots of relationships here started when the young man was 18, or even a little less, and lots of us women were older than your daughter.
They're both adults, it's not really your business, is it?
And what if it winds up being long term, what if they get married? What if they have your grandchildren, and you've distanced their father by strenuously objecting to him?
If you raised your daughter properly, than give her the respect of trusting her judgement. If you didn't, 25 is a little late to start.
Respect.
By the way, I have children her age and older, so I know how it feels to have your children make choices that have nothing to do with you. Her relationships choices are hers to make.

I'm not sure I understand exactly what your objection is. You say "What I have a problem with is his age...he's just a boy. To me it is pathetic & disgusting." What is so "pathetic and disgusting" about being 18? I work for the VA and some of our wounded from Iraq are 18. Are you saying that these "boys" are old enough to die for us, but not old enough to date?

There is a vast difference between age and maturity. Some 18 year olds are responsible men and some are kids. If your daughter loves him I have to assume that he is the former. She obviously sees something in him that you don't. All you can see is your prejudice. You have pre-judged him based solely on his age. You are willing to be cruel to your daughter just because you don't understand what she sees in a man...based solely on his age. Your prejudice has blinded you and deafened you. If you are not careful you will drive your daughter away -- is that what you intend to do?

I was 52 when I met my husband who was just turning 26. Now my dear, that is a real age gap. His mother was shocked and worried, but she did her best to try to understand what he saw in me. She made the effort to get to know me and as a result we have become friends and the family has not been divided by our relationship.

You are being an abusive parent by your treatment of your daughter. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is true. You beat her up with words for being in love. How mean is that? You need to back up and try to understand why you are having such a hard time with this relationship. Get to know the YM and start to act responsibly instead of just lashing out. You may find that he is a fine man and will be an excellent partner for your daughter...if you just give him half a chance.

Peace,
Jane (56) married for 22 wonderful months to Dave (30)

The OP sounds like my family did when I was 25 an fell in love with a 18yo... I was classified as 'sick' yet he was the most supportive an mature guy I had ever known ......... At 18 he willingly took on two toddlers and a badly damaged me, he cared more then enough, never fell short of the mark ................. To this day he is the guy my children look up to an refer to as their Daddy

In retrospect it is a crying shame that I was too afraid of the other shoe falling to have stayed an worked through my problems with him by my side .............. My biggest regret in life in running away from Laz, always will be :(

I can understand your concern. You probably remember when your child or children turned 18. How they may have legally been considered adults but to you they were still children.

Perhaps you view her new 18 yr. old boyfriend as an immature child. You may wonder what she, a 25 yr old, mature, and possibility established woman would want with a young, wet behind the ears 18 yr. old. Trust in your daughter! Obviously something about this YM attracted your daughter to him. He could very likely be mature beyond his chronological age. Get to know him for him, instead of holding his age over his head. You may find out he is more mature and more together with his life than any of her previous boyfriend who may have been her age or even older.

It would be a different story if she was dating a 16 or 17 year old.

Good luck! :)

Well thank you for your comments. I am going to try to have an open mind. After all, my husband is almost 7 years younger than I am. I guess you're right...it wouldn't make a difference if he were 30 & she were 37. I just felt that 18 (just turned 3 days ago) was sooo young and I still do. But if he makes her happy that is all that matters. To BearsAngel, I don't think your comment about me being an abusive parent is a fair one. You have no idea what type of relationship I have with my daugher. Yes, I told her I didn't agree with it, and I told her why, but it certainly was not in an abusive tone. She knows that I will always support her no matter what she does. To everyone else..thanks for opening my eyes.

Beach, I'm delighted to hear that your relationship is better than one where her mother has to hear her say that her relationship is "pathetic & disgusting." I intended my reply to be strong enough to make you stop and think about it for a second. Those are awful things to think and sincerely hope that is not what you said to her. Words like that can leave a wound that never really heals. Sometimes in our eagerness to to protect our children we do more harm than good.

I hope that you and your daughter can open a dialog about her love for this YM so that you can begin to see what she sees when she looks at him. She needs you as a friend, not an opponent and it sounds like you want to be just that. :)

Peace,
Jane

Hi Beach Lover:

My mom is currently dating a man (he's about 72) whose wife died last year.

What's interesting was that he was 17 when he met his wife, who was 8 years older. They were both in the military.

They married when he turned 18 and she was 26. Back then, it was quite a scandal.

53 years and six kids later, she died. They had a wonderful marriage and the age difference was never an issue. He nursed her through her remaining two years of Alzheimer's and still gets misty eyed when he talks about her.

If this is real love, it will work out. And, like Jane pointed out, 18 year olds are serving and dying for our country. Some are mature and some aren't.

Maybe your daughter and this ym will be like the couple I mentioned. Time will tell.

Katie S.

Hi Katie S,

Thank you for telling me about your mom's bf. You never know. My daughter could end up marrying and living happily ever after with a younger man. I am doing it now, so I'm not sure what I was freaking out about. Yes it's true, some 18 year olds are much more mature than some 28 year olds!! I am actually looking forward to meeting him now. I'll keep you posted!

Hi Beachlover:

I'm glad the story inspired you! I think your initial reaction of freaking our is normal when you consider that the typical 18-year old is quite immature and you worry that your daughter will be hurt. That fear and protectiveness will definitely put you in red alert and lead you to view the relationship as doomed from the outset.

The fact that you know a relationship with a ym can be wonderful and enduring is an asset. Hopefully, this ym, like many, is an exceptional fellow. But if not, your daughter will learn and grow from this relationship, as she would with anyone, no matter what their ages.

My guess is that putting it in that perspective, coupled with the fact that you know age gap relationships can work, will help you relax and let go. Your support will mean the world to your daughter, and no matter what happens with the ym, she will always be in your life.

Just breathe, mom--deeply. She'll be fine and so will you! And who knows, you might have a terrific potential son-in-law!
-Katie S.