Advice

Hello, I am new to this board. I decided to join because I am frustrated and need advice from other OW with YM. I divorced last year from a 20 year relationship to a man that was 5 years older than I. I was unhappy in the marriage from the beginning. I was 18 when I married him and did so because I never thought I would ever find anyone that would ever want to spend the rest of their life with me. First stupid mistake! It was an awful marriage from the get-go. He was very controlling, not very intelligent or very attractive either. Truth is, I have always been very insecure and never felt confident enough to go after the intelligent, good looking men. I never thought I could hold their interest in a relationship. I am reasonably attractive and look rather young for my 39 years. I have two children who are 18 and 15. My 18 daughter lives with me and my 15 year old son lives with his dad. Anyway, I began dating Brad mid year last year. I never thought the relationship would go anywhere because neither of us was looking for any kind of permanent relationship. Well, after dating 8 months, he asked me to marry him. I was deeply in love with him. He is extremely attractive and built unbelievably well and very intelligent (an engineer). Brad is a wonderful person and would do anything in the world for me, but the truth is I didn't realize how hard this relationship would be for such an insecure person such as myself. I am constantly worried that he will find a younger, more attractive person and leave me in a heartbeat. I failed to mention that we did marry back in February and I have never been happier or felt more loved in my life, but there is this little voice that is constantly haunting me. Brad was always very particular about his women and didn't really date too many women. We have discussed his past involvements and quite truthfully, I don't think he even realizes how good looking he is. There are times when I have found myself wanting to run from this relationship to avoid the hurt I feel I am someday going to get when he does find someone else. Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience? How do I get past this? This is the best relationship I have ever had and I need to find some way to cope with these feelings.

Welcome to Ageless! Congratulations on your marriage. It is too bad you weren't able to resolve your feelings of insecurity before you got married. Just keep remembering that YOU attracted that gorgeous man so strongly and he enjoyed YOUR company so much that he wanted to marry YOU! You should feel really special.

Hi there Jrgreen,

Congratulations on your new marriage. Brad sounds like a good person and so do you....I wish you a happy and long future together!

Jr, none of us know how our relationships will turn out, and that goes for the best looking and youngest amongst us. None of us want to lose our partners, yet for all of us, its something we cannot forsee. Not all the physical beauty, charm, money, or talent in the world will guarantee success in our relationships (you only have to read some tabloid mag to know this is true).

Your best bet is remain positive, and give your relationship your very best. Its all any of us can do. Brad chose you to be his wife, so he must love and like you an awful lot. You sound like a stable, modest lady capable of raising a family...those are very appealing traits in a facile world. If he needed a handbag gf to bolster his self esteem, he'd no doubt have sought one out. But he chose you...dependable, sweet, lovable you.

Mind discipline is a very difficult habit to get into, but I find it helps to change my mental focus when I obsess about negativity and fear (which is usally about once a month, around PMS time). Just accpet tht you feel like this sometimes, and don't eb afraid of it. With Brads love and stability in your life, no doubt the insecurity will lessen with time..thats kind of how things work.

You'll be ok :)

Welcome to ageless, jrgreen. Hope you don't mind me asking some questions to better understand your situation. How old is your husband and what was the length of time between your engagement and when you married?

Welcome to ageless.

I am married to my best friend who is 12 years younger. He will turn 31 next month and I am 43.

At the beginning, I felt all the same feelings of wondering if it could last ...... then it hit me. HE LOVES ME.

As I am sure that your new husband loves you. Stop worrying and start enjoying your new life.

Hi Jr, welcome to Ageless, and congrats on your marriage. I too am dealing with those insecurity issues. They can pop up all the sudden for no apparent reason..and when they do I don't even recognize myself. All the advice given here is good...I think is true that a form of mental discipline is needed..it's just that when I am in one of those irrational funks, mental discipline is the last thing I seem to be capable of. I personally am going to try to remember Bella's advice....she makes a lot of very good sense. If that doesn't work over time I will definitley find a counselor. I think many of us in age-gap relationships have dealt with this to one degree or another. We just need to be as self-accepting as our men are accepting of us. (easy to say, ha) Good luck to you. You have found the best bunch of folks to talk to anywhere. :)