Kids are more important than me

Hello ,
I'm new and have been reading the posts for a couple of days. I am hurting and am looking for some comfort. My fiance, who is 41 and I am 52 broke our engagement on Sunday. We have been dating for 1-1/2 yrs and became engaged in April. I have been dealing with the children issue for a couple of weeks. In my case I am not able to bear children, and have not had any children. He wants children and I have talked with a fertility clininc about my options and we have discussed the option of adoption. In Vitro is too risky and I'm not sure about adopting at my age. Over the past two weeks I began to think very carefully about the rest of my life.

I was thinking about how my life would change when I quit my job, gave up my income, independence, (he wants a stay at home mom), and taking on the responsibility of two or more kids. I realized that I may not want to deal with the stresses of tweens and teens and the purple hair and baggy pants at the age of 60+.

When I raised this issue with him I said "Is this marriage conditioned on our adopting." He said "yes I want to have kids and we may be in two different places." Further into the conversation he said "It's not going to work....I'm breaking up with you." No kids, no marriage. He said that he wants everything life has to offer and he's going to get it....Please don't hate me he said.

You can imagine how I must feel. I wish that he loved me unconditionally and said that it doesn't matter..we could find other ways to fill our lives with children...having them may not be the answer. But he didn't and he hasn't.

We do not live together but he has called every night and we both cry and tell each other how much we love and miss one another. I can't eat, sleep, or think. Not sure how to manage the pain, but I think he wants to move on and find the mother of his kids to be.

Not sure if I should be angey or what. Any words of comfort will help.

I am so sorry to hear about your pain. Its awful to be so close to what you want and to not quite have it. Be extra kind to yourself.

(((hugs)))

Dear Rah,

Welcome to Ageless love! I am in your age category and have two adult children and a bf who is younger than one of them.

I think it is good to know what you want out of life and your boyfriend knows that he wants children of his own. I think everyone should try to get what they want out of life.

Having said that, having children gives you no guaranteed outcome that they will be happy, healthy, well adjusted or anything like that really. I think many of us looked upon having children with rose colored glasses and as they grew and became adults have found that the challenges have been tremendous. Some people have smooth sailing and their kids turn out picture perfect. But other people struggle in a loving way with children who have addictions, have emotional, mental and physical problems, etc. Your bf should read some of the posts here about how many of us have had to walk through the fire with our teenage and older children. It's a testament to love and resilience, but it's hardly been a bed of roses for many.

There's an old saying to be careful what you ask for. He could go off and find another woman in two or three years perhaps and then have children with her. By that time he's in his mid to late 40's himself. He could be in his 60's with teenagers as well.

There really are no guarantees in this life. If you both want children there are many special needs kids waiting to be adopted and the agencies are more inclined to let older parents raise kids with disabilities.

I hope he can see the big picture somehow. Good luck and God bless you both.

Originally posted by rah
I realized that I may not want to deal with the stresses of tweens and teens and the purple hair and baggy pants at the age of 60+.



Hi rah, and welcome to agelesslove. I understand completely how you feel about this. I am 46 years old and am engaged to a 27 year old. He and I have discussed children several times. First of all I can't have more children even if I wanted to. And, secondly, I'm not even sure I have the energy to adopt another child at this point in my life. Like you, I don't want to have to deal with those stresses when I'm in my 60's and ready to retire.

While I did tell my YM that I would discuss the possibility of adoption with him if he ever decides he really wants a child, the reality is that I am not likely going to want to have another one to raise.

So, your situation is also my worst nightmare. I am afraid that the same thing will happen to me. So, I understand exactly what you are going through.

But, I also understand your YM's point of view. I know it hurts, but I think it's a good thing that he's telling you how he feels NOW before you marry and end up having to possibly go through a divorce as a result of this issue. I am curious, though, as to why this didn't come up before he proposed in April?

Seems to me that at this point, all you can do is talk to each other. It sounds like you love each other very much. But, you both have a difficult decision to make. Honestly, it sounds inevitable that this relationship will not work out if he feels this strongly about having children when you do not. I hope, though, that you won't agree to consider adoption just to keep him in your life. There's too much risk with that kind of situation. For example, if he were to die (God forbid), you'd have to be able to care for and raise the child alone.

I'm sorry I'm not being much help. :( Just know that we are all here for you and understand the pain you're going through.

Thanks for your thoughts and concern. As far as this not coming up before he proposed -- it had come up. I felt like I was on board with him to adopt a couple of kids. Then suddenly, one day, it hit me. I started thinking about the next 20 years. I figured that I would be, at best, close to 54/55 before we completed the adoption and then how would I deal with the next 20 years. You know things happen when you get older. I look quite fantastic for my age...have been taken for 35 many times. But, as you know, looks fade and I started thinking about too many stressful things. So I think I had a melt down.

It's a good thing though because I would not want to enter this marriage feeling anything but positive.

I'm trying hard to take good care of myself as I struggle with the loss of my best friend.

Hi rah-
I am sorry that you struggling with this-
I know it must be very hard.

The comments left for you so far
are wise and make a lot of sense.

Seems to me, that you have considered the option
of adopting, but don't want to give up career and all of that.
I can understand that.
I say,
if he wants the children so bad, let him give up
his career and stay home with the child/children.
It is not uncommon these days and if "having it all"
means so much to him-
he can have the loaded diapers too.
Why does it have to be you that gives up the career
to stay at home with the children.
If he really loved you, but wanted children
that bad, he would consider this.



<FONT SIZE=3 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/femme.gif">

I probably won't be able to have children naturally either, and together with my boyfriend, we have discussed the options, adoption, egg donation, or not having children. I am 43, he's 27. We decided to have them when we are ready, if we are ready. It may never happen. The important thing is, we are together, we love each other and we value our partner's opinion, because for us, a child has two parents, and it's either a common decision or nothing.

He loves me and I love him, we are each other's family and we don't need children to make this look like a family. Maybe what is missing in your relationship is a common view on the subject, and it's a very very important subject.

If your views are totally different and for him children are really important, I think there's nothing you can do about it, it's either accepting what he decided, which I really don't think is a good idea (children are a very important decision that should be taken only if you are completely sure you can deal with them) or accepting to follow two different paths and finding someone who shares your decision of not having children.

When I first met my boyfriend I told him what to expect, because a previous boyfriend, after two years of dating, told me he was not sure he could deal with my infertility. He knew all along, but took two years to tell me that. Later he changed his mind, or so he said, but those words hurt me a lot. His mother and his best friend also used the fact I couldn't bear children against me. It's something I can't stand, as much as I respect the desire to have children, if this is so important, why not take their fiancées to the doctor for a certificate of fertility? Because this could happen to anyone.

I had a Japanese friend whose husband divorced her after she had leukemia and became infertile because of the treatment. It sounded so disgusting to me.

I would like to add that I wouldn't be able to love anyone who would leave me because of such a thing.

I know people have the right to go after their dreams, I can understand that, I think it's better to be honest, and would appreciate their honesty, but I just couldn't love them.

It just sounds so cold to me. Sorry, it's just my feeling.

The very second a man told me he was walking because I didn't want to adopt children would be the second I started second guessing being involved with him. Maybe I'm a mess, but I don't believe what he did, and his attitude seems like love. To me it feels like some fairy tale version of happily ever after with 2.5 children.
This is the 21st century! Women can choose not to be moms if that is their choice. And sometimes circumstances dictate that they won't be. I dunno. I believe this guy is in love with love, and not the reality of a life together where people don't always agree.

But, not everyone feels this way. I personally wanted children very badly when I was married before. If my husband had told me that he didn't want children, it would have been a deal breaker for me even though I loved him. Why is it ok for women to choose to NOT have children, but it's not ok for men to choose to WANT children? There seems to me to be a double standard here.

I agree that both women and men have the right to choose if they want to have children. I believe this is a very important decision, and if both partners don't share the same view, they will eventually face hard situations like this. And ultimately even separation as it was the case.

I personally respect his decision, but I couldn't love him. That would probably make things easier for me, regarding separation.

I also think it's different when someone leaves you after two or three years of a relationship when they find out you can't have children.

In this case I have to say, I understand his position. The couple seemed to have considered at one point adopting children, and this man dreamed of it, it's also unfair for him to learn later into the relationship that his partner gave up on that dream. It's hard for him, it's hard for her, because it's not a decision she can take lightly, and it really seems like a horrible situation.

We can't even advice you to find a compromise, because honestly, having children is just too serious. It's either you want them, either you don't. There's no going back later.

Wouldn't it feel completely strange to adopt a child now, knowing that if you hadn't, your relationship would have just ended there? It would for me. I would feel like the title of your thread, that the kids were more important for him than I am.

There are too many things to consider and I don't know what kind of person your boyfriend is, in which status he is, how long have you both discussed all this, how much hope you gave him in the past that your future together included children...

Hello again,
I would like to thank everyone for their comments and insight. This is a very tough decision as I have never been around children, but if I could, would bear one in a heartbeat.

My bf has known from the beginning that I am post menapausal and that getting pregnant is not an option, but he was willing to adopt if I was willing to also. We talked about it and around it, but honestly one morning I woke up and was overwhelmed by all the changes I was about to make in my fairly predictable life.

In the adoption arena I worry about attachment issues, health issues, development issues. And, of course, all of the "what ifs." Will he resent me later in life if our adopted children do not measure up. And will he resent me because he never had the chance to create his own children. Wish there was a discussion group about this topic.

Anyway, I live a fairly comfortable life, and the unknown has thrown me for a loop. I even questioned how I truly feel about my bf. Well, we have not seen each other this week and I'm dying. I miss him so much. He's willing to talk but maintains that we are in two different places. If we do end the relationship I want to feel at peace with my decision.

No one can tell me which road to take, but at least it's wonderful to have this forum so I can at least hear my own thoughts.

Thanks to all.

Look at it this way! Do the children you adopt have to be babies or young children? There are older children needing to be adopted or spending the rest of their lives in foster care or an orphanage. Adopting an older child or children say if a family of two or three kids go together as a group, wouldn't put you in the purple hair age when the kids are teens. Can you and him "love" an older child. Actually some people can't love a child if it isn't their own. And many others can love a child regardless of that child's age, race, or emotional or physical handicap.
Since you haven't been around children in the past, let me say that you may have just become very scared at the prospect. You also feel that you would be losing your independence by 1.) marriage, 2.) giving up your job, your own money, your lifestyle (that is keeping yourself young)
If you feel that you need to give up something to marry someone, then that giving up will soon be resented and you have the makings of a very rocky time.
You need to marry (and have kids) with the outlook of "getting" something. You will be the person who gains love, challenge of traing a child or husband...so on. You will receive more into your life to make you happy than what you already have.
But, if you adopt a child, there is no reason to be a stay at home mom. You still need your indepence to underline "who" you are. Go see the Steppford wives. Those women were gals who were well known attornies, judges etc, until their husbands wanted stay at home vapid wives.
So too many things are being asked of you. For this man, after you get over your fear of the loss of your indepence and establishing that you won't lose it, discuss older kids, or a nanny for younger ones.
Good Luck, Be happy!

Well, if you're feeling all that, then your b/f is right. You're both at a point in your relationship that decisions have to be made.

Personally he sounds like he loves you, he wouldn't have cared if the child was his or adopted as long as he could have place a pic of his wife and his child at his desk and know he had people who loved him. It would have been a work in progress for which both of you would have had to share in the parenting duties. I'm sure he wouldn't have blame you for not having his own as he was willing to adopt.

But that is your decision, good luck with it, tis not going to be easy for you. Be strong, have faith...

Paris

Bump! For Marshall, maybe reading this will be interesting for you.

MariaLux, hit the nail on the head, a family is two or more people that depend on eachother for love and support, when i was twenty i had my beautiful daughter, but I was very lonely and now i have a gorgeous grandson, and i have a wonderful son in law that loves them both very much. they dont understand how I can be in love with someone so close to their age, but that is ok, time will take care of these things. I know that they are great kids with good hearts and I dont expect them to understand, it was hard for me to understand, but i am happy and look good, live good, and am so much healthier and for that they are grateful.

and now i have my sweet little new family of just my husband and myself. when i first met him i agrued with him about being attracted to me, in a angry voice i told him he needed to get over me and find a young woman and have a family, and he very very calmly said, that he would be happy if he ever met the love of his life and have a chance with her, and that would be enough of a family for him.

one of the first things i kept repeating to Adam when we got married was, "We are a family, we are a family!!! and i really feel that way, he is my little daddy, taking care of me and my feelings and the house and the kitties when he is home, he is so funny chopping at the trees and getting blisters from the yard and then calling me to remind me to keep watering the grass, I love my Adam. So, I have come around to Adam's way of thinking having the love of my life as my husband is enough family for me.

(quote) In the adoption arena I worry about attachment issues, health issues, development issues. And, of course, all of the "what ifs."
here's a story for you. I have two friends, one 45, one 42. Sue's kids were in their 20's and she was looking forward to all kinds of things, travel, study, lunches etc. Prue was a very successful professional and she really wanted a baby so they did the sperm donor thing and she had a baby, who, from the onset, had issues. Quite severe learning difficulties, Aspergers, developmental delay, all of which required a primary carer to do school and appointments and general looking after. Sue wound up being that person, by agreement, and has had no life of her own since. All the things you talk about, loss of independence, having two disparate age groups in the family, heaps of relationship issues, damaged social relationships due to the child's behavioural difficulties and lots of keeping up. This is not how she saw parenting based on her previous experience or where her life would be right now. She is heartbroken at the lost opportunities and the damage to her relationship, and also guilt for her sense of loss, because she loves the little one and understands his struggle. Just a story to show how parenting can be a different experience at different life stages. It is a really big decision and one that I am wrestling with at the moment. I am very fertile and could have a baby but do I really want one. I know he does and it would be a beautiful experience but could our relationship and my sense of self survive? I know he would never leave me if I chose not to so I am blessed in that respect. Big questions. I've just put it out to the universe if god wants me to have another baby then so be it. If not then that's a definite too. Hope it all works out for you.