update

so. here goes.
i probably shouldn't be writing this b/c
a) i have pneumonia
b) my pms is out of control
c) he's over at their house right now babysitting them until she gets back from "dance class" at 930 (kids go to bed at 830).

but, here goes anyway.

this weekend is the first weekend that he'll be with the kids. since now, he has been going over to their house for an all day visit (7am-8pm) either on a saturday or sunday. but, he would still be with me all three nights. no questions asked.
she never wanted the kids to come stay at his house. he cooperated with that. but, now that the divorce is down to the final wire and the child agreement is almost 100% (the last thing they have to work on is ME), she is changing things up.
she's going away this weekend so he has them. then she put into writing all the next weekends where he will have them one of the days. (24 hours - like saturday at 6pm to sunday at 6pm)

so - next weekend is our one year anniversary. and she's trying to decide if he can have the weekend off. and i have a good feeling that she'll tell him he can't b/c "this is all new structure and it has to play itself out". and i'm going to be BS.

also - this weekend - i'm going to be FORCED to move out of his apartment and back into the city to my apartment for the weekend so the kids can be here. and i can't have a single thing of mine lying around. i haven't lived there in four months and i've been paying the rent on it. (job circumstances)

they still have no clue about me. they won't until the divorce is on paper.
we're moving into the city on september 1st and she's saying that she doesn't want them in there. but, we're getting a two bedroom for the CHANCE that they might stay there once or twice when we should be getting a one bedroom for the same amount of money that would be so much better. but, we can't. child psychologist says that we need a place for them to stay.
BUT STILL - paying $2300 a month on a two bedroom where the other room never gets TOUCHED or $2300 for a one bedroom w/parking and all the other fabulous amenities.
and i've caved on that - whatever the psychologist says... but still. she will never let them in there. i know it in my gut.

this post is getting so long....

regardless.. i'm getting worn out.
it's been a year. i don't know his family b/c they don't want to know me. they are so mad at his decision to get divorced that they hardly talk to him! and i don't know his kids and i don't know his ex -
I WANT IT ALL TO BE OVER WITH!!!

i love HIM. i don't love the situation.
i need stregnth to move through this with grace.
i don't want to be mad at him sometimes b/c i feel like he's not doing everything he could - but i know he is!

i'm also upset that i have to move everything (including my cat) out of here for every weekend until september.

i'm just upset.. and thats my update.

thanks

Is he really doing everything he can?

I don't mean to sound totally negative but I've never heard of a divorce/custody situation as complicated as this. His ex is certainly making this as difficult as possible, but does your SO have enough of a spine to ever stand up to her? He may not have much choice now but there will come a time when he can stand up for your rights. When that time comes, what will he do? Will he continue to do whatever he's told by everyone else or will he let you be a real part of his life regardless of what anyone thinks? If it's temporary then I'm sure you'll be able to handle it. But if this is indicative of how your life with him is going to be, I don't know how anyone could manage.

I wish you the best in this, I really do. I don't have any advice except to protect and take care of yourself.

I agree with Pink Panther.

Also, my first instinct when I read your post is that if it were me, I would move out entirely until he has everything sorted out. I'm sorry, but moving out every weekend? That hardly seems like a workable situation. What if you didn't have anywhere else to go? I can understand wanting to be flexible and accomodating to his very uncomfortable situation, but you have to take care of yourself too. I'm not saying you should break up or never see him, just that during the week, you go back to your place at night and/or he comes to your place some of the time and HE can be the one to move out every weekend.

Just my 2 cents.

she has OCD. and it's big. and b/c of the ocd, she is not able to make a decision. her brain runs through every situation and always ends up at worst case scenerio - which then leads her to not making a decision. which frustrates the both of us so much - i can't even tell you.
so, b/c of her ocd... they have sat in six hours of child psychology meetings with him asking her "what do you want". and she can't tell him what she wants b/c she doesn't know. which leads him to making decisions and her always telling him that he made a horrible decision. and the cycle continues. and nothing happens.
he has stood up to her a few times... "you're not going to control me anymore like you did for the past 16 years..." "we are taking the three days a week down to two days a week regardless of how you feel about that".
but, i've been urging him to put his foot down more. tell her that if she can't make a decision - than the decision is his to make.
to have in writing that i will meet the children as a friend before we move in together (but she things that introducing me to them before the divorce is final is 'disgusting' and 'immoral').
but, he's trying to let her make decisions and he isn't understanding that she refuses to b/c she doesn't want to own up to the decisions.

case in point: when they decided it was time to seperate, his ex-wife told him that wen they told the kids, they would say "Daddy has decided to move out. Daddy wants a divorce.". and just to get out - he did. and thats a pu55y move not to stand up and say F you. we're not doing that to our children. well.. he did try that - but she won. so now every time he is with his children, his eight year old daughter says "daddy... why did you make that decision to leave us? why did you make the decision to move out?" it's AWFUL.
i'm 23 and i know not to F'n do that to kids. there are two parents. he didn't cheat. he wasn't one of those bad fathers that ruins the family by already having another family.
it was just that he and his ex were oil and water.
thats why he left. because he slept in the guest bedroom for the last three years of the marriage.
this whole thing pisses me off. he does need to be more assertive. and stand up for us.

but he's able to convince me that this is the only way that the divorce will come to a close.
but i keep telling him that it's not true! they gave her a settlement proposal in JANUARY!!! they have been saying since may that he would see the counter-settlement on the lawyers desk "any day now". no. and meetings keep happening.. and she is dragging this out as long as possible.
in DENIAL.
and no girls... it's not just a river in africa.

ugh. there's so much to all this! and it's so complicated! i feel like if i were 40 and divorced with kids that i would be able to handle this - but b/c i'm so young i've got my head spinning.

and thank you pink panther... i will be sure to protect myself.
i'm trying so hard.

OCD? I'm sorry, but for me that wouldn't quite cut it. She may well have a disorder but it certainly doesn't excuse her behavior. What she really is, is a passive-aggressive control freak. She refuses to make a decision because that allows her to always have the upper hand. She can always blame your SO for making bad decisions (using whatever logic she needs to in the process, I'm sure), while she is blameless because she doesn't make any decisions.

But wait, isn't she the one who decided to tell their children that awful nonsense about the cause of their divorce? Isn't she the one who decided that her children couldn't meet you until the divorce was final (as if children have any idea how a divorce works)? It looks like she can make decisions just fine when it's convenient for her. Her blaming her OCD for that kind of appalling behavior is ridiculous. She isn't the victim here, but she sure is playing the victim card. I don't think it's about denial, I think it's about spite.

Your guy needs to figure out a way deal with this woman, and fast. It sounds like she's pretty good at the game she's playing and she's going to continue to control him, his children, and you if he doesn't fight back.

Hi City.

I don't totally understand your posts . . .

I do agree that you should do yourself a favor (since you already have an apartment that you are paying for) and not torture yourself by living with him for the next couple of months. Why would you want to feel like you have to leave your own home every weekend? I understand the power of love and wanting to spend as much time as possible with the person you love, but you need to take care of yourself too.

And also, what's the big hurry? Why are you in such a rush to move in with him in the midst of all of this? Why not just wait untill things settle down? I can only see that moving in together will make things more complicated for everyone, especially you.

Here's the other thing. First you wrote:

then she put into writing all the next weekends where he will have them one of the days. (24 hours - like saturday at 6pm to sunday at 6pm)

Then you wrote:
we're moving into the city on september 1st and she's saying that she doesn't want them in there. but, we're getting a two bedroom for the CHANCE that they might stay there once or twice when we should be getting a one bedroom for the same amount of money that would be so much better. but, we can't. child psychologist says that we need a place for them to stay.

If she is putting it into writing that he will have them every weekend for 24 hours, then yes you will need a 2 bedroom. Also, trust me when I say that you WILL want a second bedroom because this will all eventually settle down and those kids will be a regular part of your life. So they will need a place to sleep (that is not in your bed:eek: ).

yes yes yes to what everyone said.

if it were me, i think that the first thing i would do is to look out for myself. i would turn the tables, move back into my apartment, get out of the middle of the situation. it sounds pretty messy and you don't have to be so involved. this is his deal, and he needs to work it out. i'm sorry you're having to go through this, it doesn't sound fun.:(

as for moving back into my apartment... i quit my job in the city five months ago and since then i've been working for my father who is 45 min out of the city. and G lives 15 minutes from my fathers business. so... i drive by his place to get to mine in the city. it's been working out these past months... much shorter commute... when he goes to see the kids he is back by 9 - where i wouldn't see him till 945-1000 if he then drove into the city. i guess it all made sense. i mean... we live at my apartment on the weekends and during the week i live there. but some weekends we just relax at his place. i don't know.. maybe i'm making all of this more complicated than it should be. maybe i'm not.

as for the "rush" to move in - i love him. we've been living together already for 7 months (either at my place or his) and last night was the first night we've spent apart in two months. and it was hard. i don't want to have to get seperate apartments when i know that one of them will be wasted money/space. i want to marry him. he's told me the question will be popped within a year. (and yes.. obviously after the divorce is final and the kids know me).

and the two bedroom thing - sorry i didn't explain fully.
in that child meeting between G and his ex, they have dates down on paper for the summer. as soon as she started talking about sept 1st, she said that she wanted all of his visits back at her place or out of the house for the day because the divorce won't be final and she doesn't want the kids to come into our apartment. and he said F that and then she tried to turn around and change the summer plans that they had finally settled. he finally told her that they'll cross the bridge when it comes and she agreed to go ahead with the summer schedule.
i mean... oh god. it's all so complicated.
she is controlling.
he does need to learn to stand up for himself.
she needs to lay off on the OCD.

on a side note... he left a picture up in his apartment of us that the kids saw this morning. and he left my cat at his apartment for the kids to play with.
he explained that the cat was his friends and she lives in the city but works near him so she leaves him there. he explained the picture to be the girl that owned the cat and it was taken at dinner one night.
and the 8 yr old girl had a million questions - but never once asked what my name was.
and he said that they really weren't freaked out by the pic or the cat.

it's all going to come with time. i know that. but it doesn't mean i can't be impatient. and it doesn't mean it won't be hard or heartbreaking sometimes.
i just need to fully understand that.

i again appreciate all the support and advice i've found on this forum. i don't post too much but when i do - you guys are incredible.

Hey City....

how do i say this nicely....tell your man to grow a pair.
Seriously, this lady is getting on my nerves. I hate when people use excuses when the are not needed...and so obviously so. I'm sure this whole situation puts a strain on F too. He's got tons of things going through his mind and trying to maintain things with you...maybe a little bit of time apart will do some good. It will give him some breathing room and some time to think....I'll appreciate it later. It WILL suck and be annoying, but it will all work out in the end.