daddy's girl

no this isnt a kinky post ;)
actually i sort of posted in another thread but no one has replied so here goes!
Im new to this forum, and i am glad to have found it! didnt know it existed, but the thing is i dont know anyone else in the kind of relationship I am in and i feel like i need some advice.
i am 25 and my boyfriend is 54, we have been together for almost 2 years and we are best friends and soulmates. sounds good, right? i shouldnt have anything to complain about, but there is a major stress in my life and that is: not his 17 yr old son who i get along with awesomely,nor his daughter who is a year older than me ! and is rude to me on the phone but lives on the other coast, but his 11 year old girl who stays with us 2 or 3 days out of the week.
i was friends with this little girl before i met my boyfriend and my main concern at first was that things between her and i would change...i actually cried myself to sleep one night because i was so worried, i really love the little sweetie. but now i feel like its too late. this bizarre jealous and competitive vibe started. she would glare at me in the morning and refuse to be taken to school by anyone but her dad. ok, fair enough.
when walking around she would always walk right beside him so i was forced to fall behind; she would hug him and say, looking straight at me; 'He's MY Daddy.' Ok, so my feelings are a little hurt but no big deal.
Then she was wedging herself between us at every turn, on the couch she would snuggle him into the opposite side and be climbing all over him while i sat alone in the other corner, because now she jumps if i even touch her. if i have my boyfriends attention for even a moment, it seems, she is jumping on his back, screaming 'Daddy!'. i feel like ive fallen into the evil stepmother trap that i was so afraid of!!!
i dont know why this is....and why it bothers me...it probably has something to do with my own personal issues. but i dont think she would be like this if i was older and more like a mom. maybe im threatening to her because im young. the thing is if her dad isnt there i can eventually draw her out and make her laugh and we end up having a great time. but its like i have to try soooo hard every time i see her, to reach out, and sometimes i get rejected. she wont even look at me if her moms around.
now i dread the weekends, i dont want to feel this way! does anyone have any advice? when i try to talk to my bf he dismisses it, because he thinks im being immature and competitive with his daughter. when we took a trip he spent more time and money getting souvenirs for her than he spent on my birthday present. i didnt want to mention it and seem shallow and selfish but eventually it rankled me so i did, and i was met with a very defensive attitude because i was being 'JEALOUS of his DAUGHTER!' maybe i need to see a therapist because i do have issues about father-daughter relationships in general, but i certainly dont talk about it or let it show. no one knows that i harbor a secret unconcious though irrational fear that all men are pedophiles...this is due to just my own experience with my father and step-father, and i have a hard time watching men with little girls. but i have NEVER mentioned this or let show that i was at all uncomfortable about lap-sitting, etc.
do you think it will get better or worse when she hits puberty? i am so terrified!
sorry to write a book here! please help if you have any experience at all! thank you!

I agree that it does sound like jealousy to me, though I doubt that this 11 year old is truly aware of it. She may be afraid of having her dad 'taken away' from her, or even more possible, that she is afraid that dad may like her less if he shows affection for you when she is around.

I would say that it is probably not you, but dad that she is seeking love and approval from. Makes me question her home life the other days of the week.

She is afraid of 'sharing', for in sharing there may be less for her.

When she walks right beside her father, don't necessarily drop back, walk on his other side.

JMO.

Hi! I am from the other side of the boards. I am 36 and in a loving relationship with my 19 year old partner. I have 4 children. While all of my children seem to and profess to really loving Devon, my youngest daughter, age 7, displays A LOT of the behaviors that you described in your post. I often find myself saying to her "Honey... this is not a competition... you are not in competition with Devon for my love. I love you very, very much and nothing will change that." It has done little to change her behavior. I have pulled her aside and had private chats with her to discuss her anxiety to really only minimal avail. When I am not around, I am told that she behaves wonderfully and that she and Devon get along great!

I believe that my baby thinks she is staking some kind of a claim on me for her father... in some secret hope that he and I will reconcile. We have discussed that too... but really no resolution. I too am interested in advice on this. It is difficult and kind of heartbreaking from the parent's perspective. I want for her to be happy and comfortable. I know that she likes Devon as a person and I also know that this is not age related (if that helps you)... I strongly believe she would feel this way about ANYONE that I loved in this way.

G's 8 year old son is exactly like what you described. However, I never felt like he was competing with me mainly because we have a great personal relationship and because he behaves this way also with his 12 yo brother. He never cannot let anyone have a second of G's attention. Obviously he is very needy and dare I say narcissistic (about a child). Yes, in his 8 yo mind it is all about him. But I think at his age (and possibly still at her age), this is not uncommon.

I agree with Saltwater in that I have always questioned his homelife when he is not with G. I think you should too (if you haven't already). Does your SO have her full time? What is her relationship with her mother like? From what G's son has told me, his mother sleeps A LOT! Also, don't forget that kids are VERY intuitive. She will know and react if she senses any sort of jealousy or competition from you.

no one knows that i harbor a secret unconcious though irrational fear that all men are pedophiles...this is due to just my own experience with my father and step-father, and i have a hard time watching men with little girls. but i have NEVER mentioned this or let show that i was at all uncomfortable about lap-sitting, etc.

How does this tie into what you wrote about? It seems like a completely separate issue. I want you to know that you are not alone in this one either. I also harbor this little secret. It is a serious problem. I feel this way about men showing any sort of affection to either girls or boys. If your not in therapy for this one, may I kindly suggest that you start? Untill then, PM me if you would like to talk about any of this.

And welcome to Ageless!:D

Originally posted by MOON
How does this tie into what you wrote about? It seems like a completely separate issue.

Actually I think it does tie in... if we secretly harbor an uncomfortable feeling about men and physical affection with young children... then we do tend to see these interactions as harmful or sinister or sexual... BUT if we do not feel this way, then we see might see these interactions differently and feel differently about them.

For example, if those uncomfy feelings were not present (in other words perhaps no connotation of sexual impropriety existed), then perhaps the feelings of competition would not exist either. Although my 7 year old feels like she is competing with Devon for my time/attention/affection, he does not feel like he is in competition with her. From his perspective the problem here is that she feels badly and I feel badly... he is not concerned about his being left out or pushed out or jealous.

Perhaps it is these secret feelings that coloring perspective?

My parents divorced when I was a young child, and both remarried. I have always been very close with my father. We say we're the only 2 sane people in an insane family, so we have to stick together. I remember when he met his now wife, I was about 11 or 12 years old, and I do remember giving her a terrible time. It wasn't because she was a bad person. I actually have always liked her a lot. I remember feeling very threatened by her, because until that point, it had always been me and my dad, and I knew that I was his #1 priority and his favorite. She came in, and suddenly I had to share. That is tough for a kid.

The bad news is, there's really nothing you can do about it. I think Marcy is doing the best she can by reassuring her daughter that there is no competition, and nymphe, I think your BF will have to do the same. You might be able to try it when you are alone with her, but I think it will have more affect coming from her dad.

The good news is that she will get over it.

As for your issues with male relationships with young children, well, that is something you are going to have to work on yourself. There were several indications in your post that lead me to believe that you actually do compare yourself (and possibly your BF's feelings) to this child, and that is going to get you nowhere fast. This is your issue, so therapy might be in order. In the meantime, remind yourself that you are the adult. Your relationship with you BF is very different than his relationship with his daughter, and it always will be. Don't forget that.

I don't think the OP necessarily needs therapy, simply based on what she wrote. Therapy is seen as a panacea these days, but that's simply not realistic, in my opinion.

I think what she said about the secret fear of men being pedophiles is a valid statement, and took a lot of courage for her to admit that.

Sometimes I wonder about that myself... it seems like every time I turn on the television, there's something about a sex offender, a child rapist, etc. And sooo many books I've read in the recent past have had situations involving child molestation. You always hear about how in the past, it was just never brought up, but that it went on all the time.

And with statistics like 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 10 (I think) boys... REALLY makes a person wonder.

And there's nothing in my past anything like this... it just really makes me sad and it makes me wonder.

And no, I don't think all men do this. But why is it so rampant? I don't mean to offend any men (or women) on here by saying this...

I want to thank everyone for their sincere and thoughful replies!! i have read them all and i agree with pretty much everything that has been said (i was a little afraid of getting attacked);)
There are times when i have been able to put everything in perspective and say, ok no matter what, i AM the adult in this situation, so i have to find some resolution in my own mind about the issue. but sometimes i think maybe im not mature enough to handle having a family? since the girl is only 12 years younger than i, im not even old enough to be her parent.
Perhaps it is because of my emotional immaturity and issues in this particular area of my life that i feel stressed out because of it. i dont have any experience as far as parenthood is concerned, although my bf says that i am more emotionally mature than he is when it comes to the kids. :) i just try to have fun and make people laugh, and im not really one to brood or worry...but whatever is going on has been somehow hurtful to me, and i think that's real. as far as the pedophile thing my bf is the most wonderful incredible father i know and my favorite man in the universe...its just sort of a gut reaction that stems from a traumatic event in my childhood. i can ignore it and it usually goes away. and maybe emmiegirl is right and i do feel a sort of competitiveness, but it is definetely not sexual, its more like i just want to yell ' Me Too, guys!' but i dont feel like the daughter is comfortable being touched by me...i hug her goodnight and when i feel her stiffening and pulling away i dont force the issue. if i was actual family it would be so different, sort of informal and snuggly, you know what i mean? i dont honestly know if therapy would be helpful to me or not. i suppose someone to talk to is always helpful. on that note, thank you for your warm welcome everyone, reading your posts has been very helpful in trying to figure out what is going on!
ps: i just want to add that i really do love the little girl and am nothing but kind to her...i dont want anyone to think im really competing with her because i understand that she is just a child and nothing she might do could possibly change my feelings for her. and to be quite honest when we are alone we have a BLAST! shes only a brat when her dads around ;) its just the Three's Company rule! and i put myself in the position of being a 3rd wheel because i dont want to..come between them in their time together, i suppose.