In love with an older man

Hello, I am new here and thought that I would try out this forum.

I have been in a relationship with a man nearly thirty years older than myself for about four years. We made love for the first time last November while I was still a student at the same college he was teaching at (I was once his student too.) About a week later we had a telephone conversation in which he denied having any feelings for me. He used the alcohol (he was drunk that night) as a cover i.e., it was the alcohol that called you, not me. After that the next thing I hear is that he has resigned. That was eight months ago.

In the interim, on a few occassions he has passed me on the road when I was walking to/from class. On one of those occassions he swerved. Another time I was walking and his car came up beside me and stopped, but as soon as I turned to acknowledge him, expecting him to roll down his window, it drove away. And in April I had an exhibition of photographs. I noticed his handwriting in my exhibition book. He had written a rather provocative comment about one of the images, and in place of his name, wrote "Love."

Aside from these bizarre little encounters/ signs, I have heard nothing from him.

I have written him many e-mails, and more recently a letter stating how I feel about him, but he doesn't respond. I tried calling his house once, but he hung up on me.

This man has lost everything-- his house (he left his wife several years ago), his career. I fear that he is going to let himself lose me too.

I love him deeply and have been very patient for him (I fell in love with him four years ago, but it took three for anything to even materialize...), but I fear that by the time he is ready to move forward that I will be ready to move on.

I know that the age difference complicates things and scares him, but I pray that he will give me/us the opportunity to work it (and other difference) out.

Does anyone have any advice for me/us?

Thank you,
Joanna
(Gwenavaije)

Originally posted by Gwenavaije
I have been in a relationship with a man nearly thirty years older than myself for about four years. I don't understand this. It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship at all. Personally, his bizarre behavior would scare the crap out of me. It sounds more like stalking than anything else.

I'd say you need to let this go. He's not acting like a reasonable adult who's just scared about starting a relationship with you. I'm actually not sure what he's acting like, but I can't see that there's anything to hold on to here.

I agree with Pink Panther.

Did you have a relationship before November? If so, what was the nature of your relationship? Friendship only? It is clear that you do not have a relationship now if he will not respond to emails, letters, or phone calls, and you do not speak to each other.

This is beyond bizarre. Move on and find someone who is willing to see you and speak with you on a daily basis (which is the absolute minimum definition of a "relationship").

You'll have to pardon me because no matter how many times I've wished I was more creative or like, ethereal, I'm just one of those boring actual-realm dwellers. I'm even further removed because I don't have these crush feelings that you do for this guy. So you'll have to help me out here.

What's the draw? What do YOU get out of this, uh, situation?

What IS it, anyway? You had a one-night stand with a man who sounds to be on his final descent into madness, and since then you've had a lot of weird unrequited star-crossed loveresque fantasy drama non-drama?

The only thing I can offer is to tell you to think about WHY this is an attractive situation to you.

This sounds like some off-beat movie perfect for Scarlett Johanssen or Christina Ricci. If you sped up the timetable and put in some twisted hidden moral at the end, you could sell the rights. Well, not anymore, I think Sofia Coppola made it as palatable as it could get already, and it still made me feel like.....

well.....how about I top that off by reading some Family Circus, or maybe Marmaduke....just to make myself feel better. I like to be able to understand, most of the time.