left at the alter

Hi everyone, I still quite new here but I am too embarrashed to talk to any of my friends or family about this, so I have to tell someone!!

I am/was in an on and off relationship with JD for about 3 years now. We were engaged before I had to move away but we decided not to get married since there was really no chance for us to be in the same place for the next 3 years (military). We stayed in contact, talked everyday, visited about 2 a year and still loved each other to death. Then I got out of the military to finish school and he got sent overseas, so that meant another 2 years away from each other. We had alot of drama during those 3 years and we had big falling out last year when I told him I didn't want to continue the relationship and that we should say our goodbyes and be done with it. Well that lasted for all of 3 months before he sent me this heart wrenching email that eventually I had to reply to, cause deep down he was the one I loved no matter how hard I tried to put him out of my heart. From there our relationship snowballed and we were engaged again, both of us felt like it was a mistake to not have done it in the first place. I went to visit him last month and things were great, we finalized the plans and everything was set. He was going to see his family and then he was going to come out to here and we were suppose to get married. Well, I spoke to him before he got on the plane and he said he would call me the next day. Days, now weeks have gone by and I haven't heard from him. Our date was today :(. I am in shock I have no idea wha happened and a thousand things are going through my mind. Stupiddly I didn't ask for the number where he was going to be because he promised to call me as soon as he got there. The only thing I know is that he is not dead because I called his work and they said they had spoken with him had checked in on schedule. He is scheduled to be back there in 2 days. I don't understand and I'm searching for answers. Mostly I am just venting so thanks for listening :).

:( Oh, that is just awful, I'm so sorry! :(

wow, so sorry to hear that!
i can't imagine someone doing that to another human being.
Yeah i agree with Nessa, he should be mature enough to
tell you what is going on. That is sooooooooo wrong of him.

Hang in there girl, you know what they say "everything happens for a reason".

I'll offer what I offer to my other friends that have guy problems...do you want me to hit him with my car?

Well, I guess I should have said WELCOME and nice to meet you first, but I wanted to get that out there. I can't imagine what is going through his mind right now. People like this don't deserve someone who is willing to go through all that you did. I hope you can get closure and move on.

All the best
~EM

EMCAD80
I know someone that does contract work.......... he he
This is low. Unless there is a valid reason but honestly I do not see one, I would do all in my power to get in contact if something cropped up that would cause an alteration in plan.

Thank you guys for your supportive replys (its the only support I'm getting right now).

I am just astonished, in shock, I mean, I can't even begin to comprehend. There is no excuse possible unless maybe he is laying in a coma or dead (which he's not). Anything short of that and he would have been able to pick up the damn phone or even send an email. The man I know would never hurt, disrespect or disregard me in this way that is why my head is spinning.

The question is, what do I want more at this point? Answers or my self respect, that is, should I call tomorrow or wait for him to call (though I doubt that will happen at this point)?

Hi there,
I'm so sorry to hear about this.
If I were you, I would give him a call just to put myself in peace to know what is going on. I don't know if this is a good thing, but it is what I would do.
I hope this helps and I hope things will turn out ok for you.

Hi ,Hun! I've been nursing my good friend through a similar situation. All she needed was to be told what the situation was with this guy she thought was Xmas...mind you after some effort he managed to text ' I'm so sorry...' lame idiot! She so wanted to know what the reasons were...she won't get it.
So I told her straight, he didn't deserve you and you are a Godess, anyway!

So many men are pathetic at being able to face up to reality when it comes to the crunch! This coming from one, btw!

It seems tough but he has just done you the biggest favour. Better know now rather than than later, when there is family and serious commitments.

Never forget...you are a Godess!!!

((((((F))))))

Stratocaster,

Yes, I am hoping that he did me a favor. I am hoping that this ends up being a huge blessing down the road. I've had my heart broken before (in just as cruel a way) and it turned out to be a huge blessing. It is just very disheartening to believe in something with every inch of your heart and soul and have it turn out to be an illusion.

The thing is that him and I share a very intense intimate bond that has prevailed over three years of doubt, seperation, and change. To hold onto something that was so out of my reach for so long, then have it within my grasp and then wisked away once again seems like a huge wasted effort. Wasted hurt and love. Wasted lonely nights thinking of him, wishing and waiting until we could be together again. 4 years of my life wasted worrying about him, believing in him, loving him. For what turns out to be nothing.

I don't understand how he can live with himself, but that is just it, I don't understand at all.

Hi Forme, why are you not able to talk to friends or family about this?
What is the age difference between you and are you not able to speak to his family or friends?
Is it because you guys were never in the same place for long enough? Sorry to ask but I was trying to work out the backstory.
One thought I had (I'm not trying to be hurtful, here...) could there be a situation where he has a parallel life going on and found himself trying to juggle two relationships, using engagement as a means of control...I'm sorry, honey, they do exist and at a time like this you must feel like anything is possible...

((((F))))

Forme, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a cousin who was left like this, but in the church. He never showed up.

You know, in her case, they had broken up once and like you, she decided to go back to him; their reasons were different, but we all thought that after she broke up, he never forgave her and decided to get back together and set the wedding so that he could hurt her.

He succeeded. It was sad and worse, humiliating. He never gave her a reason. Her father went there to talk to him, he said he didnt have a suit... and that was it.

Take care of yourself. What kind of man can have such a lack of dignity to let the woman he said he loved, so down? You probably escaped the worst.

And you are right, unless he was in coma in a hospital or dead, I don't see any good excuse for what he did.

statocaster,

I have met his family and friends and coworkers (he has not met my family). I don't think he openly discusses us/me with his family much because they have such an objection to us/me (as do some of his friends), just like I don't discuss him much with mine because they dissapprove as well. We tend to keep our relationship hush hush. That is probably what made this so easy for him. He probably told his brother or his sister whom I think both would try to convince him that marrying a 23 year old white woman is crazy (he's black and 37). When he brought me home to his southern black family I was 19, they didn't approve at all. I have a theory that they have something to do with all this (Not that that make it any better or worse). Most of my family and friends strongly dissaprove of him as well that is why I can't really talk to them about it. I don't need to hear the I told you so's.

I could easily get ahold of him. As a matter of fact, I know exactly where he is right now (I did some investigating, he's at his brother's) but I'm not going to call because I not going to make more of a fool out of myself. Plus I don't know what he's told them.

You know, this was such a big "owie" that I didn't even know what to say for a while. I don't know now. Except that I don't think you should call him. There's really nothing, no excuse, for what he did and is doing right now. He's sitting there, at his brother's, acting like nothing has happened? That's so hurtful, so disrespectful. You should really have someone to talk to, it makes a world of difference. At least write out your feelings, if that does anything for you. It dulls that horrible urge to NEED to call him.

For whatever reason he stood you up, and from what you've said there could be many, it's over. You've spent so much time and given so much emotionally over those years, what's left? What is there left to hold on to for hope? I don't see why he couldn't have acted like an adult in calling off the wedding, but that's his problem. He called it off either way. Maybe he'll tell you "why" one day, or maybe he prefers to slink off and pretend it never happened. I hope you can keep your wits about you in this horrible time. Just leave him alone, like he did you.

Thanks for filling us in with the backstory,hun.
You sound like a very mature woman to me and that will see you through. You have so much time ahead of you and , now, a wealth of experience to use that time with wisdom.
Emotionally, you have already lived more than most people approaching retirement! Do not close your heart to the possibilities of future love, just use that wisdom.
You must think of No.1 , look after and cherish yourself.
Now is the time to close the book on this relationship, no matter how hard. It's that old expression 'don't look back', that comes to mind. I think you, pretty much, know the reasons why this has happened. As painful as it is, there is nothing you can do except to stand tall, shoulders back and remember your discipline, soldier!

(((F))) ;) love and peace

Thank you for you insight and support. If I hear from him in the near future I will update this and let you guys know whats happening. Thanks again.