I have a gripe about something at this site

Is it just my impression that some of the members here are vehemently slamming other members who express opinions that are different from their own? Am I just imagining this or is this really happening a lot here lately? I don't understand why anyone would slam another person for having a difference of opinion. It's just weird to me. I think that people should be able to feel free about expressing their opinions, but I don't think that a person needs to publically belittle, humiliate, or try to degrade another person just for having a difference of opinion.

What do you all think about this?

he hee... keeping my lips zipped

Originally posted by a.k.a. Swan
he hee... keeping my lips zipped I can imagine that there are many who are keeping their lips zipped........but doing it out of fear of being publically humiliated;)

I'm afraid that there may be members here who have suffered great emotional abuses in their past who will be afraid to post their thoughts on subjects for fear of inviting the same kind of treatment.

whisper, my public humiliations are on the threads... but under different now deleted names... I left after trying to PLEAD to others to be gentler and kinder and GOT SLAMMED... but that is not the reason I left because believe me... if there is a battle worth waging IT IS TO BE KIND... I left because this site took too much of my time... and now I don't post much.

I'm glad you're back, Swan, and I hope that you start posting more again.

Two of the people that disagreed with me most on the "kinder" thread are now moderators... one that agreed with me is a long time moderator.

I won't post.. much.. but I am always here.

OMG! You are so right in that! I was slammed extremely hard when I first got here! I was like WTF!? This is like high school all over again! :mad:
;)

I tried to make the point that especially with newbies, you need to be kind... so that they will stay. You stayed Qui... wonder why?

If someone posts for the first time.. even some really, well lets say some first posts are hard to swallow... but if you can't say something nice then you should just bow out, and let the person stay and hear and get to know us.

Mostly I think this is a great place full of some wonderful people and I know they have been there for me time and time again.

But I have said all this before so I am going to go back to my hole and do my homework.

Some people that opposed me, said that people that post controversial subjects on an open forum should expect, or at least tolerate, honest and open confrontation.

I am all for kindness. Once or twice (who's counting) I have been beligerant... I admit it... and I felt bad.

Originally posted by a.k.a. Swan
Two of the people that disagreed with me most on the "kinder" thread are now moderators... one that agreed with me is a long time moderator.

I won't post.. much.. but I am always here. I hope that you will feel "safe" enough to start posting more again. I didn't realize that you'd been hurt so badly that it caused you to want to leave the site. Wow....that's sad. I was wondering why you'd left.

I had a very rocky start when I first came here.
Maria has been very inspirational to me, and I decided to keep on plugging away to fit in because I love the posts, and I truly appreciate the differing opinions offered here.

My personal approach is to avoid most of the controversial threads or what I call the "intellectual threads" for lack of a better word at this point. When I see the heavy hitters coming in for some debate I always enthusiastically watch because great conversation comes from such threads but I admit I am not into heavy debate going point by point - I'm much to emotional for that, and I see problems happen when either of the sides get into "battle" mode with each other. Unfortunately this happens in threads where someone was legit. seeking advice and they might or their problem might get caught in the crossfire.

I can't condemn highjacking myself, because I have been guilty of doing that quite a bit lately, but its like highjacking and then add in a squeeze of "I'm going to prove I'm right" that I think causes the most discussion but also that gets the greatest hit rate.

I don't like conflict I think most of you can see that from me, and when someone is mean or caustic I realize that is just their way and usually I don't post in their threads or I just add my 2 cents and quietly go on my way.

Its been said over and over that if everyone can please take others feelings into consideration and use some tact, taking issues to PM's or to Mod's then that spares the other members.

Being tactful doesn't mean rolling over and mindlessly accepting others opinions, it just means being respectful of others instead of bulldozing them or verbally bullying them into shutting up...

That's how I see it and yes to answer the question, I see bullying but I am unaware of a way to change it. Those who are that way here are most likely that way in life.

Originally posted by a.k.a. Swan


Some people that opposed me, said that people that post controversial subjects on an open forum should expect, or at least tolerate, honest and open confrontation.
Honest and open confrontation is great, but honest and open and honest confrontation doesn't have to involve publically flogging or humiliating someone.

Originally posted by Qui-Gon Jinn
OMG! You are so right in that! I was slammed extremely hard when I first got here! I was like WTF!? This is like high school all over again! :mad:
;) I didn't know that had happened to you when you first got here. I'm glad that you chose to stay.

I know what you mean about high school. I hated that.

Originally posted by First Love

Being tactful doesn't mean rolling over and mindlessly accepting others opinions, it just means being respectful of others instead of bulldozing them or verbally bullying them into shutting up...

That's how I see it and yes to answer the question, I see bullying but I am unaware of a way to change it. Those who are that way here are most likely that way in life. Excellent points, First Love.

Maria is the mod that agreed with me... even when we met she said she wished people would be kinder (hope you don't mind my saying that Maria)

She is one of the sweetest and most kind people I have known in a long time. I am so glad I got to meet her.

Swan, I completely agree with what you wrote about Maria. I feel so blessed to have gotten to know her. She's a special person.

Originally posted by a.k.a. Swan
Two of the people that disagreed with me most on the "kinder" thread are now moderators... one that agreed with me is a long time moderator.


I'm not completely sure what point you're trying to make here with this statement, Leda. :confused:






Melodee, I don't observe anything new going on here. But, here are my thoughts.....

This community is no different than a real-life community. We are all different and we all have a variety of opinions and perspectives.

Some of us are strong and independent and able to accept constructive feedback. We take what we need and leave the rest. Some of us are not as strong and cannot handle the truth no matter in what form it's given.

Some of us are tactful and able to give constructive feedback in a kind and gentle tone. Some of us are more blunt and honest and may come across in a severe tone. I have rarely seen anyone be deliberately hurtful. Those members are few and far between. The majority here are loving and giving regardless of the approach they use when giving feedback.

Some of us have grown through our personal experiences and work we've done on ourselves. Some of us have worked and grown, but still have some scars that remind us of our pasts despite our growth. Some of us have not grown yet at all and are struggling with our personal situations and are just doing the best we can to get by.

Some of us are able to accept when others voice an opposing viewpoint from our own. We read their viewpoint, and acknowledge their right to voice it. Some of us take it personally when someone doesn't agree with us.

When a poster admits that they are married, and say they are working on it, but want advice about their lover, some of us are able to give that poster non-judgmental advice. Sometimes that involves ignoring the posters own contradictions. Some of us question the poster and point out their contradictions. And sometimes that leads to being labeled by other members of our community as being self-righteous.

Some of us are good at ignoring posters whose morals conflict with our own. Some of us are not.

Anyway, my point that I'm trying to make is that we are all simply being human beings. We are not licensed therapists (well, maybe there are some here who are, I don't know). But, we do the best we can to offer advice.

But, these are some things that I feel as human beings we can all do better.

(1) We can choose to agree to disagree.

(2) We can choose which posts we want to respond to and which ones we really should avoid (those that may make us angry). So, if it's going to tick us off, why keep doing back and forth arguing publicly. There's a thing called PM. Use it when you have a disagreement with someone.

(3) When we do want to reply to a post that conflicts with our opinions and values, we can make sure that we do so in a kind, respectful manner that does not belittle anyone else's opinions or feelings -- whether intentional or unintentional.

(4) When we receive constructive feedback that we may not want to hear, or with which we disagree, we should decide at that moment to "take what we need and leave the rest." (my creed).

(5) If we've been through personal growth, we should not assume that "our way is the best way". That may not be true for everyone. While it's good to share what we've learned, don't assume it's right for everyone and don't make that person feel bad if they don't adopt your position on the matter.

Oh, there's much more we can all do as human beings. But, hey, we're human! We're not perfect. This is not a perfect forum. But, it's the best darned forum I've ever seen and I'm very proud to be a member here.

I tend to think in terms like this:

1. If it's going to hurt someone or myself, I need to not say it.
2. If it's going to help me, I need to listen.
3. And last, but definitely not least, I need to treat everyone else the way that I want to be treated.

It's the good old fashioned "golden rule".

well Whiterose, you were one that disagreed with me... no point, just a fact.

I agree.........stating an opinion without personally flogging someone is what we should all strive for. The friends I have made here, including whisper, have always been supportive and shared their experiences with no condemnation or judgements.
I know Qui was slammed.......I did it myself to him because I thought he was my husband who was just acting out. Really.
I am sorry Qui. It is difficult to see your "nick" when it is the same as my husband uses all the time. Sometimes he just tries to be clever and I thought he was doing that when I saw all your posts so quickly.
My first post here was traumatic. I was in so much pain and got some good, kind comments but others made me feel absolutely pathetic and totally inept. I left for almost a month before I came back and carefully started chosing what threads I would post to and which members I would avoid confrontation with. I try now to be vigilant in giving only support, encouragement and gentle advise. Thanks, whipser..............;)

Originally posted by a.k.a. Swan
well Whiterose, you were one that disagreed with me... no point, just a fact.

I may have disagreed with you on a post, but more often than not, I've also agreed with you. Your point is still unclear to me. Is the fact that I am now a moderator bothersome to you because I once disagreed with you on a controversial thread?

I can't remember all the exact details of the thread you mention, Leda, but I remember some things. If you're going to raise the issue of that thread again, it'd be nice if you'd link to it so others can read the thread and understand what happened.

Katrina, I don't know anything about you having slammed Leda. I am truly not trying to point fingers at anyone with this thread...I'm really not. I don't even know enough about anything that's going on or has gone on here to be able to write about it. I had just noticed that there seemed to be a lot of what I felt to be hurtful, mean remarks made to some posts lately. I'm sure that this kind of thing has always gone on, just as is always goes on in real life.

I have to say that I find your numbered suggestions about what to keep in mind when we post excellent, Katrina.

Whiterose, I am NOT going to get into this with you. My last thread as Swan was about being kinder to newbies, you disagreed. If you want to dredge it up go to it. I could find your posts and copy them but I am not going to.


END OF SUBJECT ... I did not bring up your name until you posted that you didn't know what I was referring to... I have nothing in the world against you... you stated your opinion, it disagreed with mine at that moment in time... I have NO problem with you being a mod.

PS I did not mean to infer that Whiterose SLAMMED me... some remember that thread and I got a lot of heat... NOT specifically from Whiterose, only she did not agree with what I said at that time.

Well, actually, I didn't slam Leda. Nor have I ever slammed anyone. :p I may have disagreed with someone and voiced my opinion when it was asked for. But, that's it.

Nor did I feel that you were accusing me of slamming her, Melodee. :)

As I recall that the controversial thread Leda refers to involved a married poster asking for advice about their affair, and receiving it. But, some of us were lableled "self-righteous" when we told the poster that the first thing we felt they should do is resolve the issue of their marriage. I feel that way no matter what the reason for the unhappiness in the marriage. I think it's only fair to all parties involved and would be advice I'd give anyone.

The issue was an open disagreement between those who felt that advice and support can be given in a way that does not come across as judgmental and some of us who felt that we could not give advice without including advice directed at the main issue -- the floundering marriage and unsuspecting spouse.

Since then, I try my best to avoid responding to threads like that. It's not worth it to present my opinion and get slammed and labeled. It's happens to mods, too. ;)

Thanks, Meshunny.

I think that it is great how you apologized to Qui and told him why you'd reacted to him the way you did! I don't know which posts you were referring to (from before), but I thought it was great to see someone be introspective enough to write such an apology.....and publically, no less;)

Originally posted by a.k.a. Swan

PS I did not mean to infer that Whiterose SLAMMED me... Opps, my mistake here, Leda and Katrina. I shouldn't have written that without knowing what had transpired before. My fault :o

Originally posted by a.k.a. Swan
Whiterose, I am NOT going to get into this with you.

Leda, why are you responding to me this way? I simply asked for clarification because I did not understand your post. That's all.

:confused:

Originally posted by whiterose
Well, actually, I didn't slam Leda. Nor have I ever slammed anyone. :p I may have disagreed with someone and voiced my opinion when it was asked for. But, that's it.

Nor did I feel that you were accusing me of slamming her, Melodee. :)

As I recall that the controversial thread Leda refers to involved a married poster asking for advice about their affair, and receiving it. But, some of us were lableled "self-righteous" when we told the poster that the first thing we felt they should do is resolve the issue of their marriage. I feel that way no matter what the reason for the unhappiness in the marriage. I think it's only fair to all parties involved and would be advice I'd give anyone.

The issue was an open disagreement between those who felt that advice and support can be given in a way that does not come across as judgmental and some of us who felt that we could not give advice without including advice directed at the main issue -- the floundering marriage and unsuspecting spouse.

Since then, I try my best to avoid responding to threads like that. It's not worth it to present my opinion and get slammed and labeled. It's happens to mods, too. ;)

I also no longer post to controversial threads, or much of any other thread... I think perhaps your recollection of some of the threads that were "slammed" may be a bit watered down, and some were downright cruel... I know the subject matter was ... well like I said hard to swallow, adultry... sex with underage.. etc.

but for a time.. it seemed like some other threads with less obvious controversy were also being hit on hard, and like I said in my last thread as Swan, I got LOTs of PMs from people like some who have already posted on this thread that thought they were unduly hararrassed when they first arrived.

I have been slammed a few times... but mostly VERY VERY supported... don't want anyone to think I am not grateful for the friends I have here.

And again Whiterose.. I only meant you did not agree with what I said on that thread, and you didn't... if you want to dig up what you said that is okay with me. Maybe it was what I said that was wrong, to you, not the whole concept.

Originally posted by whiterose
Leda, why are you responding to me this way? I simply asked for clarification because I did not understand your post. That's all.

:confused: Leda, is it possible that Katrina really hurt your feelings before and you never told her about it? I don't know if that's the case or not, but if it *is* the case, I'll bet that if you sent her a private message explaining everything to her, how you felt hurt, etc., it might clear up a lot between you. Maybe the entire thing was a misunderstanding that can be easily remedied.

I have never noticed Katrina being mean to anyone. I'm not really familiar with what goes on here. What I mean by that is that I come here, read some of the posts, reply to some of the posts, and pretty much mind my own business. I don't really notice specifics of what goes on between certain members and their relationships to other members. I have just felt a tension here lately that was getting strong enough for me to want to ask what was going on or ask if it was just my imagination.

First of all, I'm really moved by what you said about me, Mel, Leda (I don't mind at all you posting about our talk, it was a great time I had with you), Gina, and I want to say I have a greater admiration for you, for being so open minded and always willing to make the site a better place.

I'm sure this thread can help everyone, if we keep in mind that all Melodee wants to discuss is that there should be a way that we can all disagree (for we are not cloned from the same mother cell) without fearing attacks on what is just our opinion. We should remain free to give our opinions, as long as we respect the others' opinions too, and that the rules of the site are respected.

I have been in touch with Qui, I have explained to him why his posts led some members to think he was someone else, me included, there were doubts about him being yet another person, and I'm glad he stayed and that he's got to make friends around. As he lives close to Jason, in NH and it will be a pleasure to meet him and apologize in person!

As we are all addicted and destiny made us all meet here -imagine the billions of people that will never be part of our lives whilst we have already marked each other's existences- our first interest here is to make this house a nice one, a place where we can relax, have fun, make friends and share and discuss and find support in that one thing we have in common: the love for someone older/younger.

We are here in a sense to fight prejudice. Let's not be intolerant with each other.

You've been a member here much longer than me, Melodee, but I definitely have not noticed any tension lately and I'm on here pretty much all day long. And believe me, I've been here when there has been so much tension, it felt like something was going to snap. :D

I did notice on one thread two posters who are disagreeing. I would assume that if anyone was offended by their posts, they would have reported them to a moderator.

Regarding the thread to which Leda is referring, I'm not going to go hunt it down because to me it's ancient history. My only reason for suggesting a link here would be to help others who weren't familiar with the situation understand what took place that day since it had already been referred to and is apparently an important point that Leda is trying to make.

It was a prime example of how we should all have agreed to disagree, but we didn't. So, we need to learn from it and move on.

One more thing I wanted to add to my list....

I think that we as humans could all do better about how involved we get in other peoples' problems. It's good to want to protect and defend others. We should all love and care for each other as human beings. But, sometimes we cross the line and get so caught up in other people's problems that we feel we must crusade for them. I think that's when we get our own feelings hurt even when the original post really had nothing to do with us at all.

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they fought with expert timing

***********************

Each message board, each forum is different on the internet. I've been on more message boards than most people have been on. That's just my natur. Many of them don't even welcome new people...

The new folks just jump right into things. If anything, a quick "Hi and welcome to the board" is said in the body of various threads, where we see new people join in...

As far as slamming people? Well, to be quite honest...what goes on at this message board would not even remotely be considered slamming, on many message boards.

Slamming on many boards, includes threads started specifically about a person....and these threads can get quite long...as do the replies. Many of those threads, the person is disected...and, these boards are not for the weak of hard because they are quite frank, quite brutal and honest. Some of the stuff I"ve seen on those boards...would turn you white.

If you don't like someone? If you don't agree with thier lifestyle or something they are doing? If they bring it up in a post, you state your opinion ONCE...and then move on. Simple as that, easy as that. Then, either simply detour around thier threads or replies to threads you are in....or, use that nifty lil ignore feature on the internet. Nothing says you have to reply to thier posts, nothing says you even need to read thier posts. Or, if you are going to read thier posts and they annoy you to know end? Just don't reply!! After all, no one is forcing you to reply. And it's easy to NOT hit the "Submit Reply" button....

We are all grown adults here....we should be able to act like it. (Or not act like it, when appropriate)

Now....back to the cliche cult classic song...

*************

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they did it with expert timing

I dislike conflict, I avoid it if I can.
I have to say that yes, I have noticed some pretty harsh posts as of late---and those threads are the ones I avoid also.

I am a firm believer in being able to disagree with one's opinion or with how they act as one half of a couple without putting anyone down or hurting anyones feelings.

Sometimes it is inadvertent, or posts are misconstrued---but I cant lie and say I havent seen some cruelty here, and that I havent winced at some of the words from time to time.

I know this is a public forum and people are subject to getting all sorts of responses when they put their personal lives out there, but I hope that we all think twice before hitting that Submit button----NOT to water down the opinions and views we want to express, but to spare needlessly hurting another's feelings in the process.

Yes, Kelley, really. I'm not saying I'm right or that I know everything. I'm only giving you my perspective. Doesn't mean you have to agree with me :) I personally haven't felt the tension here lately. Maybe we should define "lately"?

But, when I think of whether there's any tension here, I tend to think of it in terms of the atmosphere on the boards overall. Oh, there are two people I've observed who seem to have a problem with each other, but, I'm not sensing that it's pervading the entire board.

But, quite honestly, I have not seen people "slam" anyone lately. To the contrary. I think that some are really making a concerted effort to either avoid posting on threads that are controversial to them or they are trying their best to be as nice as possible. It seems that when people DO do something good, that gets overlooked and we keep bringing up the past instead of moving forward.

I HAVE seen and felt overall tension in that past, though. Last summer and fall was about the most tense period I've witnessed on this board when ALOT of angry members were leaving, or getting banned, left and right. I was still somewhat new and no sooner figured out who was who and then poof! they were gone.

I am very happy that you're back, Kelley. You are a great member of the forum and your posts always bring a smile to my face. :) I'm sorry that you felt you needed to leave for a while.

I haven't ever gotten to that point myself. Don't get me wrong. I do get upset about things, but fortunately for me, I am able to let things roll off my back that really upset me. Getting upset doesn't do me any good when I've already got alot on my plate to worry about.

I try my best to be a good member of this forum. That's all I can do.

As we are all addicted and destiny made us all meet here -imagine the billions of people that will never be part of our lives whilst we have already marked each other's existences- our first interest here is to make this house a nice one, a place where we can relax, have fun, make friends and share and discuss and find support in that one thing we have in common: the love for someone older/younger.

~Maria~

I agree with you.... very well said!:)



If you don't like someone? If you don't agree with thier lifestyle or something they are doing? If they bring it up in a post, you state your opinion ONCE...and then move on. Simple as that, easy as that. Then, either simply detour around thier threads or replies to threads you are in....or, use that nifty lil ignore feature on the internet. Nothing says you have to reply to thier posts, nothing says you even need to read thier posts. Or, if you are going to read thier posts and they annoy you to know end? Just don't reply!! After all, no one is forcing you to reply. And it's easy to NOT hit the "Submit Reply" button....

We are all grown adults here....we should be able to act like it. (Or not act like it, when appropriate)

Now....back to the cliche cult classic song...

*************

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they did it with expert timing


Dan~

I agree with you as well! Great song choice! You are a lyrical genius...LOL:D

Maybe if they are ignored they will go away. It seems people who whine, gripe, complain, etc. eventually actually get tired of listening to themselves when nobody gives them any attention - positive or negative. I sure hope so. I was looking forward to this as being an educational and enlightening experience.

tks for the warning.

alice:cool:

Welcome Alice. Don't let this scare you away. I think that most will tell you that the positives far outweigh the negatives around here.

I almost left this this board in disgust. OW are trying to meet YM here, yet some of them slam the newcomers. I thought "What a bunch of hypocrites!" I originally thought this was a cool place to post (and I'm a very open person). Now, after being slammed, I always think twice before posting and I usually avoid the Sexually Speaking forum. (I mention names, but I got slammed super hard there.) So, I deleted over half my posts on the entire board, before I could get slammed harder. As it turned out, a few nice people convinced me to stay, even though I'm wondering if this place is for adults or if it's High School all over again. :mad:
;)

Just want to say that as one of the older members (don't look at the dates, I came and left for a little while as an official member, but never really left, lol), I'd like to say that, in my opinion, this seems to be a relatively calm period on the boards.

I've seen some knock down, drag out fights BEFORE some limits were im place and truthfully, this is far from what happened then. I haven't read all the threads, but we will always have differences of opinion, and I always maintain that it is very difficult to get an "inflection" of what is being said in writing ... rather than in a real conversation ...

So, I guess we have to temper what we read a bit, and truly, I agree that the best way for personal differences that don't really have anything to do with postings, is to take it to a pm.

My two cents ...

princessdy

Actually...

This is just a general comment, not geared at this thread or even this message board....

"I always think twice before posting..."

Yeah, EVERY POSTER, on EVERY MESSAGE BOARD...should do that. Because quite often thier fingers and words travel faster than the common sense that god gave them. That exact thing, NOT thinking twice before posting...is what causes probably at least three quarters of "fights" on the internet...

And yeah, I'm guilty of that too. It's a hard thing to do, but it shouldn't be SO hard that you don't think twice every time.

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?

I tend to be blunt, along with being open when I post. :eek:
;)

Yeah...*LOL*...you and about 75% of the people that post on message boards. They seem to claim that quite often...

Not saying you do...but that seems to be a common "tag line" for message boards. And on many boards, it's simply an excuse to bypass what I mentioned in my previous post...

Once again, not saying that is the case with you, just simply saying.

~Dan

Originally posted by whiterose
Yes, Kelley, really. I'm not saying I'm right or that I know everything. I'm only giving you my perspective. Doesn't mean you have to agree with me :) I personally haven't felt the tension here lately. Maybe we should define "lately"?



Gonna quote myself here so that I can add that I meant to also say that there's no possible way that I can read every post. No one can. So, it's possible that you're seeing some things I'm not seeing, Kelley.

It's the same old rule of thumb. If you're offended, or feel the post violates the forum rules, report the post and let a moderator handle it.

EDIT: I'd like to clarify that I only quoted myself here so that I could add another point to my post. In NO WAY WHATSOEVER do I have a problem with Kelley. I'm sorry if someone perceived that just based upon how I quoted myself. I love Kelley! I think she's terrific. I was only responding to a post where she quoted me.

Originally posted by whisper
Swan, I completely agree with what you wrote about Maria. I feel so blessed to have gotten to know her. She's a special person.

Ditto. I am still here, though more-so in a ghostly fashion, because Maria has proven to be such a strong person and good friend.

If she were not here, I am sure I would not be here.

She is the bright light that leaves the mean, bickering, gossiping people from this site deep, deep in the shadows.

I love Maria :D

Originally posted by Serendipity

If she were not here, I am sure I would not be here.
I have thought the same thing, myself, many times.

Originally posted by whisper
Is it just my impression that some of the members here are vehemently slamming other members who express opinions that are different from their own? Am I just imagining this or is this really happening a lot here lately? I don't understand why anyone would slam another person for having a difference of opinion. It's just weird to me. I think that people should be able to feel free about expressing their opinions, but I don't think that a person needs to publically belittle, humilate, or try to degrade another person just for having a difference of opinion.

What do you all think about this?

I agree...publically belittleing others...and degrading others for having a difference of opinion...or for doing something that we disagree with or being in a relationship that we don't totally agree with is very tacky and ignorant to put it bluntly...hopefully...the people who are doing this will take notice (somehow I am doubtful however...lol).

Originally posted by whisper
Is it just my impression that some of the members here are vehemently slamming other members who express opinions that are different from their own? Am I just imagining this or is this really happening a lot here lately? I don't understand why anyone would slam another person for having a difference of opinion. It's just weird to me. I think that people should be able to feel free about expressing their opinions, but I don't think that a person needs to publically belittle, humilate, or try to degrade another person just for having a difference of opinion.

What do you all think about this?

Couldn't agree more!!! There is often a lynching mentality here and its disturbing. I mention it quite frequently especially in threads where it is obviously happening. Does nothing to change the behavior whatsoever. Just because we have an opinion doesn't obligate us to share it and if it is unkind, I am baffeled as to why we would do it.

I very much like the questions WR asks herself when reading threads... but how about some questions to ask ourselves before responding to a post...

1. Is what I am saying going to be helpful to the OP (or whomever I am responding to)?

2. Am I saying this in a way that someone can actually hear this (or would I be open to hearing this if someone said it to me)?

Also... just a footnote as a correction...

Swan as gone when the last battle about civility took place and it was Pink Cat and myself that used the offending words "self-righteous".

Originally posted by marcy
Couldn't agree more!!! There is often a lynching mentality here and its disturbing. I mention it quite frequently especially in threads where it is obviously happening. Does nothing to change the behavior whatsoever. Just because we have an opinion doesn't obligate us to share it and if it is unkind, I am baffeled as to why we would do it.

I very much like the questions WR asks herself when reading threads... but how about some questions to ask ourselves before responding to a post...

1. Is what I am saying going to be helpful to the OP (or whomever I am responding to)?

2. Am I saying this in a way that someone can actually hear this (or would I be open to hearing this if someone said it to me)?

Also... just a footnote as a correction...

Swan as gone when the last battle about civility took place and it was Pink Cat and myself that used the offending words "self-righteous".

Very Well Said Marcy!! I agree with you 100 percent.

I agree with Nessa on several points. I don't think there are any mean people here either. And I do believe that when someone responds to a post (for sure me), they are simply trying to give the benefit of their experience, suggest and advise ... isn't that what this site is for? And I do believe that if someone posts, they pretty much open themselves up to a response. Again, that is why one would post in the first place no? So, again, as Nessa says, why would anyone want someone to lie about what they believe is a wrong thing to do rather than express what they believe to be truth.

Just saying ...

princessdy

Well, this thread has left me feeling a little disappointed. I cannot count how many threads I have read about what a good and wonderful site this is....how everyone has bonded in difficult situations, come together to help those in need, supported each other when the situation arose, etc.

And I, and all the moderators, work very hard to try to make this the kind of site you would like it to be...based on your comments and feedback. In the past few months, in accordance with feedback from you, the moderation team has added new forums, completely rewritten the rules, brought back the personals forum with a new set of rules, and I am sure quite a few things that I cannot think of off the top of my head. But my point is, we have made a lot of changes to make it what the members need and want, and we did this by listening to what you have to say. These sort of changes would not have come into action without the member feedback we received.

But I have not been contacted about the issue in this thread at all. If there is something that needs to be changed around the site, I have to rely on the members to contact myself or the moderation team with their concerns. The button to report a post is there for you anytime you find a post to be hostile or attacking. And I assure you that every single reported post is reviewed by more than one member of the moderation staff, and in fact a good many are discussed behind the scenes on a private moderation board so that a general consensus can be reached by the moderation team before an action is taken.

The entire moderation team is here to help you, and I very much encourage you coming to one of us with any problem you may have.......and to report posts and members that you find offensive, overbearing or hostile.

I totally agree with Thatgirl. I am a newbie and didn't think that I would post much, but this site has taught me alot some positive some not positive.
I am a sensitive person so I do attach my ideas with me as a person and when someone does not agree with me I feel that they are attacking me as a person. I think that all of us can say that even with the number of posts a person writes you can not trully know the person. That is just ONE side of them.
I was offended by a comment made to me by one member who to me attacked my mothering of my son. I found it hurtful that my opinion led this member to write that just maybe I was not the kind of mother I thought I was: sincere, vigilant, and smart. I read the post and responded with adding those things she did not know about me for one I am new for another she does not know my background - and so I defended why I had written such an opinion it was based on my experiences, and not someone else's opinion. I am not one to follow the crowd, I have always marched to the beat of a different drum and at this point in my life won't be finding a different tone. I did feel she had her right to voice her opinion about the prudeness of America but not ATTACK what she thought I was or was not doing as a mother.
I may be quiet on some grounds but when it comes to my mothering and nationality I will defend it to the hilt.
I like Ageless and because I did not as an African/Native American thought I might not "fit" I had decided to leave. Maria's gentle words and insights made me stay. Now I know that there are other members who are like Maria I will be here I hope for a long time to come.

Originally posted by Dragonfly
As some of you know ... I have an eight year old daughter. We were at a friends house tonight ... my friend has a daughter who is nine years old. As the evening got late ... our daughters got into a disagreement that ended up with my daughter in tears. Seems that her friend said something that caused my daughter to get her feelings hurt. Now ... as the story unfolded ... it came out that is was not so much what was said ...but how it was said. My daughters friend said she was just being honest ... my daughter ... amid tears said that what her friend had said was "mean". The whole incident make me think this thread. Now granted ... are daughters are friends IRL ... but does that really make a difference. Just because someone is setting behind a computer across town or on the other side of the world ... doesn't mean that they are any less of a human being. Doesn't mean that they cannot still have their feeling hurt... it comes down to how something is said.

For example... say my friend and I are out shopping and she tries on a pair of pants and asks me my opinion on how they look. Just because I could tell my friend that her *** looks like the back side of the Queen Mary in those pants ... doesn't mean I would. ~smiles~ I would not lie to her ... I would however find a way to express my point ... without causing her pain. Why ... not because she is my friend ... but because she is a person ... and people have feelings. She asked for my opinion ... she asked for honestly ... she did not ask for that honesty to be brutal. So... in all honesty I would tell her.... " I don't really like the way those pants are cut in back ... I think another choice would be more flattering on you".

Now ... why just because some one I do not know... comes onto a message board looking for help and support .... would I treat them with any less respect and compassion. Personally... I think the world is hard enough day to day .... I try not to go out of my way not to add to others pain. I have seen first hand how the smallest gesture ... the fewest of words can send a fragile and insecure person into a tail spin. I once worked a suicide where a young women in her 20's killed herself because some girl who lived next to her said something "mean" to her. Yes ... she had mental problems ... yes ... she was an extreme case ... her reaction was far and away excessive given the circumstances. But the point is ... none of us knows how what a single harsh or flip of comment might do to another person. I am all for giving someone the benefit of ones knowledge and experience ... but it doesn't do much good if they are so focused on how the knowledge and experience was expresses that they never hear the truth in your words. Not everyone who comes here has a support system IRL... some have fragile self esteem and are searching for a welcoming port in a storm. And some of you are quite correct ... in the big picture that is the internet ... this site is a whole lot more civil and welcoming then other sites. And yes ... the famous tag line of I am a straight shooter ... I call them the way I see them ... is more common then not. I have been known at times to preface some of my posts with those very words. And yes this is an open forum and if you don't want someone's opinion ... then don't post and ask for it. Now ... having said that ... let me interject something here. Just like with my daughter and her friend ... it is not what is said .... it is how it is being said that hurts people. Yes .... there are a lot of strong and independent people her... they have opinions and will express them candidly and to the point.... I like that ... it works for me. But then ... I am a strong person... I don't need things sugar coated. And in all honesty ... it is not anyone's job or responsibility to cater or coddle the membership ... but the thing is ... maybe it should be. I mean ... the sign on the front door so to speak says Agelesslove.com your community for age gap relationship support" Support is defined as "to hold up, help or provide for. I believe that everyone here is trying to do when they post... support and help those who come here and want to for how ever long or brief ... be a part of this community. I just think that the term support ... at least to me ... implies something given with a positive feeling. Again ... the difference between saying the pants make ones *** look like a ship ... or being a bit less blunt and saying the pants are not really the best choice.

I love this site and I think the Mods and Admins do a wonderful job. I don't think that this is about the site or how it is run. I believe that Whisper was just asking ... that perhaps we all think before we type... think about how we say something and how that can be seen or taken by those who are reading the posts.

DITTO...I couldn't have said this any better...and I agree completely.

See I knew I liked this site for a reason.
Thanks Dragonfly. I feel all of us will THINK before we type and ask the question: "Is what I am typing supporting that person or belittling them?"

God Bless.

Dragonfly, you're amazing.

Im sorry, I don't think I made myself quite clear. I KNOW that this thread was not an attack against the moderation. The point I was trying to make is....

Its very important if you have a problem with a post...or an individual....that you report the post or PM a member of the moderation team. It has to be either a reported post or a PM. This is necessary first to alert us of a problem or issue, and second so that we have a record I can keep of the problems.

If you don't utilize these features, then before we know we have a problem of such a size that it is driving members away, making members feel uncomfortable....etc.

It really surprised me (I had the day off from the site) to receive a phone call from a member asking me to read this thread, and to find out we had a few members that were this unhappy. I had not received any PMs...in fact my box was empty!

So please...contact me if you have a problem, contact a member of the moderation team...do it by PM or reported post. We will always do our best to help out with any problem and to maintain the standards here.

Yes, Whisper. I believe this site is special and I think its a terrific idea to strive for tolerance for other people's views without the sarcasm, partronsation, and `ganging up' on people to try to change their views. It doesn't happen all the time but I agree that it gives the place a bad vibe when it does.

I know I am one of the more strong-minded and verbose people here, and I hope that its obvious that I strive to articulate the tolerance I feel for other people's choices. I personally have quite different views to the long establised dominant group of members here, and from my perspective I have sometimes felt bullied, made fun of, and uneccessarily antagonised for offering a different way of thinking and doing things. I think that is totally unneccessary. I can see why gentler less verbose souls who try to get their word in sometimes would simply leave or stop expressing their heartfelt views.

I think you brought up some good points, all of you. This place is great and could be alot better. And I agree that Maria is an inspirational moderator!

I don't report problems anymore, I, a long long time ago got a pm from a mod that said something like "only you are reporting this prob" it was in the older days, and things were real bad then, things were a bit swept under the rug, claws were flying, witches had brooms, it was WW3, with PMS at its finest!! (NO not Pm's :))
So I puffed my chest out and said " I will never again hit the report button"
So, anywhoo's, what about them sticky threads :D :D
*SnowP ducking from Maria!!

Originally posted by whisper
Is it just my impression that some of the members here are vehemently slamming other members who express opinions that are different from their own? Am I just imagining this or is this really happening a lot here lately? I don't understand why anyone would slam another person for having a difference of opinion. It's just weird to me. I think that people should be able to feel free about expressing their opinions, but I don't think that a person needs to publically belittle, humilate, or try to degrade another person just for having a difference of opinion.

What do you all think about this?

i've noticed this. but i usually keep quite. it's very admirable for people like you to confidently display your different point of views even if 95% of the opions oppose your own.

the pattern i see is:

some asks question.

6-7 people usually give the same reply.

then afterwards there that one person that has the opposing opinion.

so kudos to everyone feeling free to speak their mind without fear.

by the way...i'm not saying the majority of views are wrong...i just noticed this pattern happening is all. but who knows maybe i'm wrong.

Originally posted by Qui-Gon Jinn
I almost left this this board in disgust. OW are trying to meet YM here, yet some of them slam the newcomers. I thought "What a bunch of hypocrites!" I originally thought this was a cool place to post (and I'm a very open person). Now, after being slammed, I always think twice before posting and I usually avoid the Sexually Speaking forum. (I mention names, but I got slammed super hard there.) So, I deleted over half my posts on the entire board, before I could get slammed harder. As it turned out, a few nice people convinced me to stay, even though I'm wondering if this place is for adults or if it's High School all over again. :mad:
;)

That is so NOT what this board is about - OW's trying to meet YM's - is that how it is perceived Qui? Is there anyway we can change that projected image so people get the picture CLEARLY that we are a relationship support site - not a dating site for horny young men and older women(and vice versa) If 2 people happen to meet here and click, well great, and believe me I've seen it happen/

Can't we get back to some fun things like TRULUX and some of the really IMPORTANT issues in life??

Originally posted by Qui-Gon Jinn
I almost left this this board in disgust. OW are trying to meet YM here, yet some of them slam the newcomers. I thought "What a bunch of hypocrites!" I originally thought this was a cool place to post (and I'm a very open person). Now, after being slammed, I always think twice before posting and I usually avoid the Sexually Speaking forum. (I mention names, but I got slammed super hard there.) So, I deleted over half my posts on the entire board, before I could get slammed harder. As it turned out, a few nice people convinced me to stay, even though I'm wondering if this place is for adults or if it's High School all over again. :mad:
;)

I wish I could tell you the number of people who have told me this very same thing...actually some very nice people who no longer frequent the boards for this reason. It seems that if you've been around here for awhile...people are a little easier on ya...but not always. Conclusions are drawn many times, without knowing the full story...or reading between the lines..alas...I guess this must be human nature...or should I say this must be life in an open forum on the internet. I try to show others the same respect I would like to be shown...not everyone is like this however. :(

Originally posted by kathyw
I wish I could tell you the number of people who have told me this very same thing...actually some very nice people who no longer frequent the boards for this reason. It seems that if you've been around here for awhile...people are a little easier on ya...but not always. Conclusions are drawn many times, without knowing the full story...or reading between the lines..alas...I guess this must be human nature...or should I say this must be life in an open forum on the internet. I try to show others the same respect I would like to be shown...not everyone is like this however. :(

And...

whatever a person posts first is the only thing a lot of responders will believe. If you update or provide more details in your thread... its justification... we can be a pretty hostile group.

As far as reporting... OMG do I ever report! LOL I would not be the slightest bit surprised to hear that I report the most. :p I would like to add that many, many times my reports (while I am 100% certain they are read), are not responded to and no change is made. I am pretty sure that even tho I find lots of these things offensive, they do not strictly violate any rules and are therefore not moderatable.

I think the point here, at least mine, is not that we are a gaggle of "meanies" and that the mods let folks run amuk. It is more that we do have a "mob" or group-think mentality here often and that we have the potential to hand out our old-fashioned version of right, wrong, good, and bad without consideration of another's feelings. We, especially when we have been here awhile, think we know it all and we do not mind sharing that... period. The posts are rarely (tho certainly not always) over the line of the community rules and therefore moderatable, but they are often the kind of stuff you would be EMBARASSED to say to perfect strangers in real life. Without a doubt, a lot of stuff, is the kind of the thing that would make US very sad to have directed our way...

A funny/interesting observation that sorta supports my ideas above... a lot of the older members/members that post often rarely post their OWN problems... and I know LOTS and LOTS that purposely prefer to post their own problems in other communities...

We all want to give advice... but do ALL of us want to receive it here?

Very well said Marcy! :)

This place IS like high school with hostile groups ganging up on you and slamming you for being yourself . . . because they don't like your opinion. :mad:
;)

Well, I think we will all have to work together if we want to put some changes into affect.

In a community this size, its unrealistic to think that everyone is going to agree on ANYTHING. I have myself seen situations where there is a thread, and everyone is posting thoughts that agree, and then someone posts a different opinion, and then THEY get attacked!

As mentioned before, we have to keep in mind that we are all real people here behind these screen personnas, and think about the different ways our posts could be read.

Debating is good, and allows for hearing all different points of view and actually learning from each other. But sometimes we do cross the line here, and someone gets offended. While its a good thing to post your point of view and your opinion on a subject, we have to make sure that it is done in a way that does not belittle someone else, or make them feel that their opinion is any less valuable.

So, Im talking to a lot of people, and looking into a few things. If anyone has anything they would like to discuss, Im pretty much always available. Drop me a PM.

I think that there are a lot of truly wonderful things about this site, and a lot of very intelligent, creative, supportive members. I want to make sure that any new members coming to the site get to experience that.

Originally posted by Qui-Gon Jinn
This place IS like high school with hostile groups ganging up on you and slamming you for being yourself . . . because they don't like your opinion. :mad:
;)

And once again, I will repeat...
What goes on, on this message board is NO WHERE NEAR what is TRULY considered slamming...

Trust me...TRUE SLAMMING is going to a board and finding someone that posts a two page dissertation about why someone thinks that this person is a complete and utter fricking a'hole...

About the ONLY way this place is like HighSchool...is in the fact that I've drilled a few nice hidden holes in the women's bathroom to spy on them...ala Porky's...

VERY well put Julianne! Very well put. No one here is trying to slam anyone else, it's just talking truth as we see it. Simply.

I cannot IMAGINE doing what Jody does (and that, EXCELLENTLY I might say) as well as all the the other moderators. They have quite the line to walk but manage magnificently. Jody, great job, and all the rest as well.

As for you Reality Dan ... well, would we expect any less from you ??? ;) I think not. Have your fun. :D

princessdy

I think that Julie nailed it. People are people. We are all different. We all think differently, and we all react differently. Feedback should be given constructively and in a manner that is not aimed at hurting feelings. But, people should also feel free to open voice their opinions -- again as long as it's not aimed at hurting anyone.

Thanks Kelley for clarifying your viewpoint, too. I think that yesterday some people mis-read what I was trying to say, and probably I could have written it more clearly. I wasn't directing any of my responses AT you. I was replying TO you and I'm sorry again if I came across to anyone on the boards in a way that make it look like she and I have a problem. Hugs again, Kelley! :)


I'd like to suggest that everyone considering trying this.... How about if you feel that someone's post is coming down too hard on someone, why don't you send that poster a PM and give them your opinion on the matter? As always, if something makes you feel uncomfortable, please report the post and let a moderator help resolve the situation.

Bottom like.... any family/group is going to have disagreements. That's life.

That's right Julianne!

These threads, in a sense, are like a family meeting. As in a family meeting, we may hear things that we don't care to hear. However, when people care about each other as an individual or just as a human being... giving it to them straight, albeit with respect, is the most beneficial.

Just think of family members... do you always agree with what your parents, siblings, etc. say to you? Have you ever told them something they didn't want to hear or pointed out a mistake? Chances are, no one really likes that but it is said with caring and in your best interest. Truthfully, some people just don't "click", are not compatible... that's ok, I have many family members I don't click with.... therefore, I don't associate with them.

It's obvious that these threads are very popular and it's because of the simple fact that controversy and differences of opinion are the spice of life... just how boring would it be if we all agreed?

When we experience differences... we receive a wonderful gift, and that is A CHANCE TO GROW!

It boils down to one word here and that is "respect", if we can utilize that for each and every individual and their opinion, we will be fine.:)

EXCELLENT post 1love! :)

Thank you Katrina!:)

Originally posted by Julianne
[I]

I'm quite sure my posts are a little extreme to some of you, but when I see a young person in a potential mess, or an older woman being used, I will speak my mind. Like it or not. Sometimes the truth hurts, but usually in the long run that person needs some reality, not a pat on the back.


Your whole post was fantastic. I agree with everything and in regards to what is up above I am the same way and I've been in hot water because of it in my life.

In my opinion, some people are just way too sensitive. I am not the type to beat around the bush and I don't like it when people do it to me. I've had situations where I've asked for advice from someone and when I can tell they are hesitant to say something I always tell them to just spit it out. I'm a big girl....I asked for your opinion and I want it. ALL of it.

I see what is happening here right now at my work and the animal shelter I volunteer at. People getting hurt at how someone said something to them or how they came across, blah, blah, blah. I've had grown women refuse to talk to me for days because I did not agree with them on an application for adoption.

When something like that happens I will not go and try to make amends. Sorry. Screw that. I just say grow the hell up and get on with it. I don't go out of my way to be mean and I have not seen, with exception of just a few, many posts here that I would say were blatantly mean.

I am a blunt person and I have every right to be how I am just like the person that is more sensitive has a right to be how they are. I am not going to sit here and change how I might respond to someone because I might "hurt" them.

Not only that, but how do I know what that person can take or can't take. Nessa is as ballsy as I am.....could you imagine me responding to a post of hers with flowery sentiment and suggestions of singing Kumbayah? She'd write back and tell me to f**k off. And I wouldn't blame her.

Anyway, good post, Julianne

Originally posted by Julianne
Marcy, usually someone tells the truth in their original post.

Actually I disagree with this very strongly. I think when someone is distraught, panicked, and seeking advice that their first post is likely to be the LEAST thoughtout (not really a question of honesty in my opinion). Their first post is likely to be coming from a highly emotional NOT well-thought out place. There are so freaking many of these examples that it isn't even necessary to provide them. When you are really upset and seeking something... you come and post... about how awful you are or how awful your partner is and I have seen that (and done it). LOL 9 times out of 10... we jump right in and say you are better off without them. My b/f's running joke on ageless is that no matter what you ask... most of the responders will say "dump him/her". NO not always... but LOTS... and in private PMs... I cannot even count the number of members who also find that to be true.

Sure we are all entitled to our opinions and sure many of them might even be the same... but why are we nasty? I know many of us don't think we are as a group... but let me ask you a question...

For example (and really there are many more):
If someone gets one responder who admonishes them for cheating... isn't it a bit nasty for 7 more of us to post the EXACT same admonishments? How the heck is that helpful to the poster?

That's what I say Marcy. What was the original point of this thread???

princessdy

I've said this elsewhere and I'll say it here too. I'm a pretty private person, but if I have a dilemma or need advice, I'd talk privately or ask advice of those I trust or felt would set me straight, and even tell me things I may not want to hear. If I ask someone's advice or opinion, it's because I WANT to hear differing views, because if I'm IN it, I can't always see the forest for the trees. I WANT to see if there is some angle I'm missing. I WANT to question my own thought process and viewpoints. Asking someone else to help you evaluate things does exactly that for me and that is why I ask in the first place! Maybe after getting someone else's viewpoint, a lighbulb will go off in my head, and I'll have an "aha!" moment. That's the best I can hope for! As people have said, time and again, "take what you need, and leave the rest" if it applies to you, take it. If not, leave it.

The bottom line is, if you ask someone for advice expect to hear things you may not have considered. Isn't that why you ask in the first place? I don't get why people get all upset when advice goes against what they think, and because it does, they say that's not "supportive". If I ask someone "What do you think of this?" I'm hoping they'll add some insight that I've missed. Isn't that the point? Don't you want to see all angles in order to create a larger view? Don't you want to make informed decisions based on various viewpoints? Then go forth feeling better equipped to deal with things, having a greater understanding? Agreeing with every single thing I think defeats the purpose of me asking for someone's viewpoint in the first place, and I may as well live in a vacuum.

I don't need my advice sugar coated and flowery, but I would like it served up respectfully and politely, and as straight-up as possible, as I would do to someone else. After all, if I'm asking for someone's opinion, it means that I value that person, and value what they think, their experience, wisdom, and have a certain trust in them, otherwise I'd not care what they thought.

Originally posted by whiterose

I'd like to suggest that everyone considering trying this.... How about if you feel that someone's post is coming down too hard on someone, why don't you send that poster a PM and give them your opinion on the matter? As always, if something makes you feel uncomfortable, please report the post and let a moderator help resolve the situation. That sounds really good, Katrina. I think that all of your suggestions are fantastic.

Personally, I have never been slammed or had anyone write anything rude to me on this site. Not once, and I've been here for almost four years (originally under a different name). I have never had a problem with a moderator here, either, and have always appreciated the work they do. I have never pushed any report buttons or anything like that. I love this site. I was feeling friction here and was hoping that by starting this thread whatever was going on might be brought to the surface and dealt with. I hope that by starting this thread, I didn't cause even more problems:eek:

I think that it's great that people feel free to disagree with others when they have a difference of opinion. Hey, life would be extremely boring, awful and even scary if people weren't allowed to disagree with others or speak their minds (I think of Nazi Germany). It's just important to remember that when we disagree, we don't end up "attacking" (for lack of a better word right now) the poster rather than the post.

Well said, Whisper. :)


As for whether I personally post to ask for advice... well, you will notice that I rarely do that. It's been that way since I joined last year.. but not because of any treatment I've received or have witnessed here. That's just how I am. I am not one who usually actively seeks advice from anyone.

I am more the type who benefits from reading a variety of opinions on a topic and then taking bits and pieces from each opinion to mold and shape my own.

Now, every now and then I need to vent about the distance between Remi and me. But, I only talk about our most private issues with some of my closest friends. I've always been that way, so it has nothing to do with ageless.

Having said that, if I ever felt that I DID need to post for advice here, I would do so without hesitation. I would fully expect to receive answers that I agreed with, answers I didn't agree with, and some inbetween... and maybe even some I don't understand. :p But, I would sift through all the information so I can choose what advice I feel helps me and what doesn't.

Originally posted by Genevieve
I've said this elsewhere and I'll say it here too. I'm a pretty private person, but if I have a dilemma or need advice, I'd talk privately or ask advice of those I trust or felt would set me straight, and even tell me things I may not want to hear. If I ask someone's advice or opinion, it's because I WANT to hear differing views, because if I'm IN it, I can't always see the forest for the trees. I WANT to see if there is some angle I'm missing. I WANT to question my own thought process and viewpoints. Asking someone else to help you evaluate things does exactly that for me and that is why I ask in the first place! Maybe after getting someone else's viewpoint, a lighbulb will go off in my head, and I'll have an "aha!" moment. That's the best I can hope for! As people have said, time and again, "take what you need, and leave the rest" if it applies to you, take it. If not, leave it.

The bottom line is, if you ask someone for advice expect to hear things you may not have considered. Isn't that why you ask in the first place? I don't get why people get all upset when advice goes against what they think, and because it does, they say that's not "supportive". If I ask someone "What do you think of this?" I'm hoping they'll add some insight that I've missed. Isn't that the point? Don't you want to see all angles in order to create a larger view? Don't you want to make informed decisions based on various viewpoints? Then go forth feeling better equipped to deal with things, having a greater understanding? Agreeing with every single thing I think defeats the purpose of me asking for someone's viewpoint in the first place, and I may as well live in a vacuum.

I don't need my advice sugar coated and flowery, but I would like it served up respectfully and politely, and as straight-up as possible, as I would do to someone else. After all, if I'm asking for someone's opinion, it means that I value that person, and value what they think, their experience, wisdom, and have a certain trust in them, otherwise I'd not care what they thought.

Whew, took a while to read this thread and I'm pooped already! :D

Genevieve - - - This is a great post and I agree with you wholeheartedly. (Even tho I'm sure I have been known to slam in the past. :( )

I don't post any problems on this board, because basically I don't have any problems to post. But if I were to post here for advice, I certainly wouldn't just want people who agreed with me to respond. If that were the case, why ask for advice? Sometimes you just need to smack me in the face with it before I realize that I am wrong or being stupid or not making the right choice.

The world is not a rose garden and neither is this board . . . this is reality here and we are all different here as we are in life. We have differing opinions and differing ways of expressing them. And I guess I am judgmental in that I have no tolerance for stupidity. If a new poster posts something that is so obviously wrong and frowned on in society as a whole and then asks us if there could maybe be a exception in their case or some such other thing that is so obvious, then that poster should expect to be totally slammed. The truth is the truth and sometimes there is no way to sugar coat what we are feeling.

Not to be bragging, but IRL I have lots and lots of friends and more close friends than a lot of people. These people like me because they know I will never lie to them and will ALWAYS tell them like it is. They know if I disagree with them, I will hear their opinon and I will state mine and we will forget about it and move on. Naturally, not everybody likes me for that same reason. And that's fine . . . they either like me the way I am or they don't . . . I'm not changing for anyone. And most likely those that don't like me for that reason are the types of people that I wouldn't want to be friends with anyway because they would never tell me how it is. I don't want friends who always "agree" with me even if they don't. It comes down to honesty.

There are those on this board that I have disagreed with and some I have even had words with (you know who you are) and we have agreed to disagree and we are still friends and have moved past that.

As far as reporting posts, I don't recall that I have ever reported a post as I prefer to fight my own battles and I do believe, as I have stated before, that some people are just looking for something to be offended by so they can report a post. You can't please everyone and might as well not even try. Just be yourself and post your honest feelings and responses. The bottom line here is that we are all adults . . . we all are different . . . we all have different ways of expressing ourselves . . . and if we see something we don't like, then PM the poster and take it up with them. And if you always have a problem with a particular person's posts . . . hey, you have an IGNORE button! Use it.

This site is a great place and provides a wonderful service to those who have made a home here and hopefully to many more to come. But we need to be able to be ourselves, who we are individually, and not be molded into what someone else thinks we should be. And if we have members who are vicious and malicious all the time and that's all they ever post and never post anything constructive, then maybe the mods and admin should consider banning that poster. I guess I'm gonna be like Popeye and say "I am what I am" and that's all I'm ever going to be. When the people on this board start trying to mold everyone into the same person it will be a terrible injustice to this site.

Just to put in a Nutshell!

I like this board and will not feel intimidated to reply. I will not attack a person's character basically b/c I do not know them and that would be personal and better done thru an PM (if I know the person well enough). I have one best friend, she has known me for years and is the ONLY one (outside of my MOM LOL) who is justified in attacking my character one she knows me, second she has my best interest at heart and is doing it to help me.

I will post and take from the answers what I deeply believe will help me and the rest I will pitch.

I just feel that before you quote a person and say something about that person and/or quote make sure you reallly know something about them. I will not step on toes. Remember that you are analyzing the person's problem not the person.

Thanks Peachy! Another thing I have noticed here as well, is that sometimes people will post what is not advice-seeking, but rather, the poster is really seeking validation for their behavior in disguise. (ie, I'm cheating on my hubby with a young stud, or some such thing, isn't that great everyone?). I wonder why they would post such things and not expect to receive opposing or different viewpoints. Sometimes people just come to vent, and all that is great too, because we have a place here to do that (I've vented here too), but if you post publicly, you have to expect some response that may or may not jive with what you think. It's just part of life. Of course we all want to be treated with respect, to me, that goes without saying. A little kindness goes a long way. I just think it's unrealistic to come to a place with vastly different people and expect everyone to agree with you, and in the way you want them to. We really have to keep in mind that ANYONE with internet access can read what we write here, even if you are not a member, you can read all the posts.

Originally posted by Julianne

Whisper, you have always been a sweetheart of a person. But this thread has been done over and over in the past, always with the same conclusion.. Oh well. At least I tried;)

very interesting thread, some more verbal members dont package the truth well and leave themselves open for attack, even though moderators may not share my opinion i have been around long enough to know what baits them, in other words, be smarter, just because they are moderators does not mean they are perfect people, however, there is a kindness that comes across the posts from maria that shows through when people are ready to rip each others heads off. if you know certain people enjoy confrontation and you dont, think a bit before the words go on the screen.

If we define mob mentality as the concept that “things are going to be done our way simply because there are more of us than there are of you”, then we Americans can’t complain too loudly… since that happens here on a regular basis (every four years as a matter-of-fact…first Tuesday in November), complete with “slamming” personal attacks, name calling, mud slinging, etc….basically all the negative things that were mentioned in the first several posts of this thread. ...Even fought a war with England to gain the right to do it this way…

Perhaps though, we can aspire to something better here on Ageless? The membership of this site is far too intelligent not to be able to debate ideas honestly and openly (thank you Swan) while remaining respectful of others involved in the discussion (thank you First Love); it just comes down to making a commitment to do it. Even the cheating spouse who -- upon finding both their marriage and their affair heading down the tubes – honestly comes here for advice doesn’t really need to be reminded over and over about just how big of a schmuck they are…he/she most likely already realizes that. They need to hear what most all of us have learned through upbringing, observation, or personal experience…“Hello NewMember. Geez, sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into a hell of a mess there. Getting out of it isn’t gonna be easy or painless, but you’ve got to start here…with the truth...and then….”

I agree with Whiterose’s answer to Whisper regarding personal growth…but would like to add this thought: Respect is a double-edged sword. While some might debate whether or not respect must first be earned, very few would claim that it doesn’t have to be maintained through integrity. If any one thing stands in the way of personal growth, more often than not it is our own ego. When one’s position or opinion doesn’t “hold water” (withstand the scrutiny of logic and time) then maybe it’s time to abandon that ship rather than stubbornly (or self-righteously) going down with it. Integrity is about doing the right thing even if it means personal loss…which sometimes is a “loss of face” from having to admit that your original beliefs on an issue might have been wrong. If – after hearing an opposing view and its supporting arguments – you still truly believe that you are right, then stand firm. But if all you have is “this is the position I’ve always held, and I’m not going to change now,” don’t expect a lot of people here to listen to you.

Originally posted by Nessa
Melodee,

every so often we need to LET OUR HAIR down and let it all hang out....

it was your turn to start it... good for you.

and if i have ever offended you I'm sorry. You've never offended me. As far as I can remember, no one here has ever personally offended me with anything they've posted in reply to any of my posts.

There was only one person here who offended me personally (she's gone), and it was only because every time I tried to establish contact with her, she completely ignored my posts and p.m.'s. She never even bothered to acknowledge me. I found it rude. So, in almost 4 years at this site, I have only had one person offend me, and it wasn't anything she wrote.

I was not offended when a member here to told me that my husband might be using me for a greencard. I wasn't offended.....I totally understood where she was coming from, and it didn't change my opinion about her or make me like her any less.

I am the kind of person who reacts when someone I care about is getting hurt. For example, if I have a friend and that friend is being hurt or feels that he/she is being hurt, and has tried everything to try to resolve the problem....all to no avail....I am likely to jump in and attempt to help.

As I said before, I think this site is a great place of support, made up of wonderful members. I think that the responses here on this thread attest to that.

My turn to say, great post, Stan. I'm honored to have you here!

And my admiration goes to all of you who posted respectfully, listening to all sides.

Wonderful people around this place! :)

Now that we got all of this out of the way...

EVERYBODY DANCE!!

As I look up your dresses!!

http://www.cix.co.uk/~tralala/piccies/dance.gif
http://www.lemony.co.uk/B3ta/Animations/dance.gif

You know Dan. I was just thinking that we need something to lighten up the mood around here and lo and behold, here you come with that crazy skeleton and what is that other thing?? A spider?? LOL

We need a party. A ****tail party.

*runs off to start a new thread*


Now why is it that the c-o-c-k in my word ****tail is bleeped out, but the F word in someone else's post isnt? :confused:

I think that's "The Blob" on PepPills

Ohyeahgottablobaroundgottablobaround. Can'tbelazycan'tbelategottablobaround!!


Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!!

As for why it's believed out...a **** is a **** is a ****

*LOL*

Oh, and if anyone wants to assume anything....I actually used the asterick up there, I didn't type out a banned word. *LOL*

Just wanted to get ya to wonder for a split second. *LOL*

Sally, LOL ... I got a great big belly laugh outta that one, lol ...

princessdy

I think its important to remember that A. we're not therapists, B. we're not privy to enough information about people posting here to insist that they take our advice, and C. we are getting out of line if we start patronising or bullying someone for not accepting advice.

In some situations, people seem like they competing to dominate others with their intellectual reality, or the intellectual reality of the dominant group, and insist that others have the same reality.

Thats not support or even much help. Its being overly attached to `being right'.

Its also very human and i agree that its just something which happens in communites. We can try to be better though, since mostly we're all here because we love to help and support others and want to see the best for others.

Originally posted by Bella_D
I think its important to remember that A. we're not therapists, B. we're not privy to enough information about people posting here to insist that they take our advice, and C. we are getting out of line if we start patronising or bullying someone for not accepting advice.

In some situations, people seem like they competing to dominate others with their intellectual reality, or the intellectual reality of the dominant group, and insist that others have the same reality.

Thats not support or even much help. Its being overly attached to `being right'.

Its also very human and i agree that its just something which happens in communites. We can try to be better though, since mostly we're all here because we love to help and support others and want to see the best for others.

Very well said Bella...I agree...no one should insist that someone else take their advice..unless of course they are a trained professional and even trained professionals do not insist they are "right" all the time..bullying someone for not accepting advice is just plain unacceptable. The fact that we do not know both sides of the story...nor are we privy to certain information about a given situation or post...suggests that we should only share our hope and strength and should not just dole out our opinions continuously without considering where the other party might be coming from when they post trying to get support here. :D

When I am obnoxious, insensitive, and overbearing... I rarely realize it. However, when someone else is... I see it right away. Possible at all that anyone else is like that around here or maybe its just me?

And...

Is it ever possible that a poster might post in haste and anxiety... that responders MIGHT get it wrong... and then the poster corrects her/himself... Is it never possible that is the truth?

Maybe we use this "a poster is always most truthful the first time" and "a poster becomes defensive and hostile when we don't tell them what they want to hear" crap as a way to justify OUR actions for continuing to be unduly harsh and judgemental. What are WE getting out of this behavior? What base urges and needs are satisfied in US when we shelter our lives and comment on anothers? Foolish them for posting... Or is any self-examination for our own motives worthwhile?

Originally posted by marcy
Is it ever possible that a poster might post in haste and anxiety... that responders MIGHT get it wrong... and then the poster corrects her/himself... Is it never possible that is the truth?
\

I know for a fact that a couple of threads I started I gave too little information in the beginning, and when I saw how it was misinterpreted I tried to elaborate to make myself clear, but apparantly some people might take this as me trying to side step in the face of some harsh comments. But truthfully I think often an OP might ASSUME that they made their point until they see the response, then they have to correct the misconception.

I always laugh when I remember once what a member said about what should then she say to someone who is heading directly to a tree... should she ignore and be complacent when she knew the person was heading to be hurt?

She wanted to tell the person, of course! But then Jody said something great. She said, well why don't you say "X, watch out, you are heading directly into a tree!!!", instead of saying "Dumb X, get your *** out of there, you are **** heading into a **** tree!!".

I think you get the message.

Then again, this thread has more to do with accepting that there are different opinions than ours and that this is what makes the site great. We are not here to give moral lessons or life guidelines, we expose what we think, what we believe, but we can't impose anything on others.

There are a few exceptions to that, of course, the obvious things like racism, abuse, things that nobody here will condone, and things that the site won't allow the discussion because of its illegality or immorality.

It is the owner's opinion, shared by the moderation team, that this is a site that chose to keep a level of discussion without insults and without personal offences. That has been working pretty well, people restarted to post more about their problems, we have seen taboo subjects like infidelity being discussed on a superior level now, differently from the times when all we could read was insults. We are still able to say, "it's wrong", of course, but we also allow others to say, "I have been there" without being attacked.

Support doesn't mean condoning. It means listening. Then you say what you think, in a civilized way, as you would talk to someone you just met in the bus, or someone who is your friend. You choose your words according to the intimacy you have with that person, but that doesn't stop you from saying the same thing: your opinion. That's all that matters for the poster, in 99% of the cases.

I'm sorry I think my post wasn't clear...

I meant to connect the idea of being unduly harsh and judgemental to not posting our own issues, not necessarily just the idea of why would someone post responses, but not OP threads. In other words, why would we take the extra step of being harsh to another, while protecting our own lives from the same kind of examination/treatment?

BTW... I purposefully did not mention names and I am not pointing the "virtual" finger in any direction. Hell I think I'm likely as guilty of this stuff too and I'm also VERY VERY hesitant to post any of my issues here also.

Also... just a note... I totally agree with Nessa's last post... we do see a lot of that... HOWEVER...

We do see a lot of panicked initial posts too. I can think of several including my own and Polly's to name a couple of solid relationships... where we are upset/angry/etc... posting about the "end" of our relationships... I just believe that this does happen...

Nessa, we have a difference in style, that's all. I strongly suspect that we write the way we act. I'm willing to bet that you are more direct than I am in person. I used to be more to the point, but working with blind people and being with a partner who can't take me being direct has mellowed me considerably. I'm still pretty sharp when I'm worried about someone, especially the kids, who tend to get caught in the crossfire of a bad relationship.

Personally, I've never found your posts overly sharp or *****y. I think we have and have had people here who are much more forthright than you would ever dream of being. :) People ask for opinions and you give yours based on your kn owledge and life experience. Frankly anyone who comes to an open forum and hangs out their dirty linnen needs to expect to hear things they would rather not be told.

I stopped posting problems here years ago because the only advice was to dump him. Sometimes its hard to put exactly what's going on in a relationship in a post, so you develop the wait and see approach.

The problem is when people decide that their way is best and are willing to hammer you until you agree. We all have strong opinions about some things but sniping at someone to try to get them to change just doesn't work. We've even had posters who decided that their morals were the right ones and tried to convert anyone who disagreed. *sigh* That didn't work either.

This is a big place with a lot of people who have a lot of opinions. Sometimes some of us come across harsher than we would like. Sometimes we get worried about what will happen to a poster and get too adamant. Sometimes we are just full of crap. ;) I think it helps know know what you are full of it and back off and let others talk to the person instead of continuing to make a point that isn't working. But if that was easy politicians would be out of a job.

I think all you can ask of anyone is to try to follow the Golden Rule to the best of their ability.

Peace,
Jane

HAD to post here as this was something I've seen, heard, and felt before. I see much good thinking on this thread already, but have two cents to add....

I had an occassion, right after I joined, where I took issue with another member. It was not WHAT he said, it was HOW he said it. Too often, people say, "Don't be mad at me for telling the truth." "I'm just blunt/honest/balls out." I cringe when I see these phrases, because it's usually a preface to someone sidestepping politeness, manners, and good taste--and trying to justify their rudeness by calling it honesty.

"Don't call me a W*itch for telling the truth." (laugh. I wouldn't call you a W*itch for being honest, I'd call you a W*itch for acting W*itchy!!)

Look, most people don't really want or need sunshine blown up their butt.....

But they don't need a stick of dynamite shoved up there either!

okay, that's it. Short for once, and sort of sweet.

[tiptoes back out]

Originally posted by BearsAngel
I stopped posting problems here years ago because the only advice was to dump him. Sometimes its hard to put exactly what's going on in a relationship in a post, so you develop the wait and see approach.

LMAO ain't that the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look, most people don't really want or need sunshine blown up their butt.....

But they don't need a stick of dynamite shoved up there either!



LOL lara :D

Good point...I like that!

Julianne, it's good to see you. Yes, I DO remember about you reading that diary. LOL That was back when dinosaurs roamed wasn't it? Are you two still together? After half a decade I can't keep anyone straight anymore.

Dragonfly, you are absolutely right with your statement that it is NOT what we say -- it is HOW we say it. I can tell you that you are the north end of a south-bound horse and you will smile...or I can call you a horse's a** and you probably won't. You area very wise woman. I hope you stay here a long time. :)

Melodee you are a gentle soul. You should get to know Sandi who posts as Rosyln (and I think I mispelled that once again.) You have a lot in common besides marrying much younger men. You have a gentleness of spirit and softness of word that makes me think that the two of you were separated at birth. She's left several times because of the harshness here, but comes back for the support and the few people she is friends with. Sometimes that is all you can ask of a group. If you make one friend, that is one more than you had before, so you are richer for having wandered by.

Cheryl, I hope you continue to post here. You are also a treasure for the experience you bring. I don't know that we have another African/Native American woman here, so you bring a perspective that no one else has.

So many of you here do your best day after day to keep your own head above water and to help someone else do the same. Sometimes we push too hard when we see danger, but that's only because we've already hit the rocks and we don't want someone else to feel that pain. When you get a knock from someone, try to ask yourself is it because they are trying too hard to warn me? Or are they just the wrong end of a horse? ;)

Peace,
Jane

Jane, thank you for your nice post. I would really like to get to know Sandi better. I'll p.m. her later:)

Sandi is definitely one of the kindest people around here! I bet she's too busy to post, but I have had the pleasure to exchange ideas with her and if someone deserves to be praised for her goodness, she's one of them. I hope she's not blushing. :)

Sandi has been creamed here a few times and has left as a result. She's back only now and then and that is a real loss for us all. :(

Sally in our alley, you are too funny. I really enjoy your posts. "Fire in the Hole" indeed... ;) You are definately NOT the north end of a south-bound horse, even if your pony tail is in your face. Buy a couple of bobby pins and stop worrying.


If we are poking things we don't like about this forum, I for one am uncomfortable that a post about a lost cat can get a lot of responses, but one asking for help for a lot of cats just dies quietly. And the request for help for poor Edith, the mistreated chimp is ignored when all it takes is a short email to help. This is one of those human nature things that mystifies me.

Peace,
Jane

Originally posted by Raven Magdalene
Anyway, what I wanted to say in reflection that although what is said in the posts can be hurtful, what is said behind the 'scenes' cuts even more deeply. It is simply sinister, IMO. Sorry, if I disturbed anyone's sense of righteousness, just wanted to share my reflection of the OP observation.

Thank you.


This is the very reason I started the thread about having multiple personas here on ageless -- the public side and the PM side. I really didn't expect anyone to admit that they are different in PM, but I know that it happens.

I think that sometimes people put on one face that we see in the public posts, but in private, they are a much different person. But, then again, we are all people and this is human nature whether it's on the boards or IRL. :p

More than a bit beside the point, but to cheer BA up a little about human nature:

I POSTED to the thread about the lost cats because that's all I could do.

On the post about the multiple cats, I DONATED rather than posted, because there was something concrete I could do.

Just didn't feel the need to report on it to all :)

K?

It's really late here and I just finished my daily flirt, but I thought I should tell you something.

Never believe what people tell you that others said without confirming. There's nothing that can't be faked here. You forward a PM, you can change the text as you wish. IMs, too. Emails, same thing. Nothing that is forwarded can be believed, unless you really trust the person.

Why I say that? Because I have seen it happening. The kind of mind that does that is not really something I can understand, but hey, people kill people everyday, people rape people everyday, why wouldn't they cheat on that? :(

After I met some members from Ageless, some single members, I got some PMs from guys who wanted to know details about the women. I never said anything and told them to write directly to the women. There was also a guy who would go back and forth me and another female member, trying to put her against me by copying dialogues we had had, but only the parts he would choose! And of course they had a completely different sense when out of the context.

We should not listen to gossip, that's the basic thing. If someone tells me that Stan stole a car, I'd rather ask Stan and if I am not that intimate with him, I would just take the information with a grain of salt and always give him the benefit of doubt.

Human nature can be very rotten. But it's also able of wonderful things. I guess it's our choice to choose which way we'll follow.

No need to apologize... I think I wasn't quite clear... its hard in text.

I guess if we were all to be really honest with ourselves, we should sometimes question why we think we even have a right to criticize anyone, or give them any advice at all. I guess for me, I hope I can help someone keep from making some of the same mistakes I've made. But in the end, we all have to really learn things for ourselves.

Very well said Trish! I agree 100%.

...makes me think of the quote "people living in glass houses should not throw stones". The truth is, we are all living in glass houses.:)

Suddenly I don't feel like griping because well... when there is no site it is much worse than when we have a site full of insightful people ... some a little more umm.... New York than others ;)

HUGZ

All I ever said... long long ago. Was that we should be kinder to newbies so they'll stay. But then there are trolls that incite a riot with their first post or some people that just say the darndest things. But I think in those situations we have the choice NOT to respond. Because, personally, just my opinion, the threads that turn ugly, no matter how bizarre the orginal story was, they make the site look bad. And once in a while we may turn someone away that could have grown into a real live valued member.

I was slammed when I came here way back when looking for support. I thought I'd get support here since I did not think anyone I knew would give me support over really liking a man 24 and 15 years younger then me, but here I was slammed after all, I was surprised and felt so bad. I felt insecure about if this guy I knew liked me or could find me attractive and expressed that fear and wonder, to my surprise I was treated like I was crazy to be wondering and liking this younger guy who was the nicest guy I'd ever met. So I decided to stop writting and go away from the board and just keep wondering.

I did nothing to ever find out if our friendship could have been more, I figured if I was slammed here for it then the guy would be shocked and uncomfortable if I even hinted I did not want to lose his friendship, he moved on to a younger woman and I was left to wonder what if. I tried to write one more time or so here after that just to look for support in my sadness that I never tried and will never know because he found a girl his age about a 6 mo to a year after I statred to really like him but I was not recived here any better then before. I was slammed even more for saying I felt bad he had a GF now and told I was wrong for feeling bad since he had a GF. Somehow I was wrong to say I had liked him and wish I had (past tense) tried, and will always wonder what if and could he have felt an attraction to me too at the time. It was such a bad feeling here it felt like I had to defend most of what I said to some people. I again just went away and this is the first time in a very long time I've looked again and I feel fearful that I'll be slammed for telling my story.

I'm very sorry this site didn't support you Guest. I know some sensitive, perhaps a little bit insecure people take negative words to heart. Too much. While it would have been great to get the support you needed from us at the time, I think... well I hope you agree that ultimately the responsibility was yours to follow your heart no matter what a bunch of strangers on the other side of PC Monitors said. I hope in the future you look within for the answers.

I would have thought, from what you say about your story that you would have been supported here. Are you sure it wasn't just a few people? I think most people here are kind. But I know the harsh words, for whatever reason, resonate the loudest.

My advice to you now, don't over dramatize the affair that never was. It may have turned out to be just as sucky as any other now ended relationship you've had was. The only thing is, you think it would be different and you'll probably never know (unless he and this girlfriend part ways and then you'll have another chance) but don't over romaticize it. He is just a person and has many faults like we all do and it wouldn't have been a walk in paradise.

I'm thinking that people have different definitions of what "slammed" means, and how things are taken. I don't know how to remedy that. If people come here seeking advice, etc. They have to expect that some things will go against what they think. I cannot recall anyone being outright slammed since about a year ago, when several members were banned. The boards were crazy then.

Offering the suggestion that perhaps you should move onward with your life is no slam. Giving the advice of taking care of yourself, your marriage (if you are cheating), or taking more time to make a major life decision is no slam. It bothers me that people come here asking advice, then when they are given some that they don't agree with, they feel slammed. It makes me feel like not posting here at all, for fear I may offend someone, when that is NOT my intent at all, and when all I was trying to do was give a different perspective, or offer another way to think about something. I've never slammed anyone, never insulted anyone, and I'm always civil/polite, or I try to be... yet now I'm afraid to post on people's dilemmas. It's not worth it to me. I'll start keeping my two cents to myself, and stick with the threads that don't involve relationship "support", since "support" has come to mean giving people pats on the back instead of trying to help them see other sides of an issue, or asking them to question things. Those giving the advice are only human as well, we are not there, we are not living it. We only know what is posted. Cut us some slack too.

Now I'm off to less controversial waters in chit chat. I hate conflict.

Originally posted by Guest
I was slammed when I came here way back when looking for support. I thought I'd get support here since I did not think anyone I knew would give me support over really liking a man 24 and 15 years younger then me, but here I was slammed after all, I was surprised and felt so bad. I felt insecure about if this guy I knew liked me or could find me attractive and expressed that fear and wonder, to my surprise I was treated like I was crazy to be wondering and liking this younger guy who was the nicest guy I'd ever met. So I decided to stop writting and go away from the board and just keep wondering.

I did nothing to ever find out if our friendship could have been more, I figured if I was slammed here for it then the guy would be shocked and uncomfortable if I even hinted I did not want to lose his friendship, he moved on to a younger woman and I was left to wonder what if. I tried to write one more time or so here after that just to look for support in my sadness that I never tried and will never know because he found a girl his age about a 6 mo to a year after I statred to really like him but I was not recived here any better then before. I was slammed even more for saying I felt bad he had a GF now and told I was wrong for feeling bad since he had a GF. Somehow I was wrong to say I had liked him and wish I had (past tense) tried, and will always wonder what if and could he have felt an attraction t