I sure could use advice!

Hello all,

I really need some advice.. I have quite a dilemma going on. I am 25 and there is a 52 y.o guy I am starting to fall for. The problem is that I am married (to a guy my age). I have been married for a year and a half and I am realizing more and more that we just don't have much in common. A lot of things he does just annoy me anymore.
Now A.K. (the OM) is much more interesting than my husband. And, I find myself really happy and excited whenever I see him. I even put on makeup before I see him, which I don't do for my husband anymore. I find A.K. quite attractive, he looks great for his age, he is in great shape, and thin; my husband is not.

So I guess I just want to know what this May-December thing is all about, does it really work? I was just talking to A.K. yesterday and he was saying he graduated high school in 1970, and I said I graduated in '96, and I was thinking, "whoa" but honestly it didn't bother me... I think he likes me as more than a friend, he talked to me for half an hour. He works at the car dealership, he sold us our new car. I was waiting in the showroom while they were working on my car and I was standing near his office and then he finally spotted me, and he said "hey, you" but in a really friendly way and in a tone that showed he was really glad to see me! :)

I think about him A LOT...

sorry to ramble on.

*groooaannnnnnnn..*

Jersey -

Yes, as manifested by the many success stories you will read here (and in accordance with the attitudes you will find in a forum dedicated specifically to older/ younger relationships) you will be advised by members that age-gap relationships CAN and DO work. Surprise, surprise!

Now. The fact that you are married and that you are even for a second entertaining the notion of getting involved with ANYBODY(younger, older or the same age) on the basis that you are "realizing more and more that we just don't have much in common" highlights not only the extent of your immaturity, but also your total lack of regard to your marriage, and isnt something that will be smiled upon here by most members.

I have quite a dilemma going on. I am 25 and there is a 52 y.o guy I am starting to fall for. The problem is that I am married (to a guy my age).

Are you daft???? Well, see - that IS the problem, isnt it?


I find myself really happy and excited whenever I see him. I even put on makeup before I see him, which I don't do for my husband anymore.

I was just talking to A.K. yesterday and he was saying he graduated high school in 1970, and I said I graduated in '96, and I was thinking, "whoa" but honestly it didn't bother me...

Im gonna steal something from Amina, and I hope she doesnt mind, but its really the only thing I can come with in response to both those stupid statements:



*blank stare*



:mad:

GET A GRIP!

Originally posted by JerseyDiva78
So I guess I just want to know what this May-December thing is all about, does it really work? This May-December thing is about two available adults finding a connection with each other without regard for age. Nothing more, nothing less.

Does it work? No relationship works if you don't make it work.

I'm sure if you think real hard (way back to a year and a half ago), you'll remember that you were once excited to see your husband and found him interesting and attractive. If not, why in the world did you marry him? Finding that your husband annoys you sometimes isn't an excuse for running out on your marriage, or worse, committing infidelity. You and your husband would do well to talk about your issues and work on solving them, instead of walking away as soon as the honeymoon ends.

As for this other guy, he knows you're married. IMHO, any other good qualities pale beside the fact that he's apparently willing to help you destroy your marriage.

Seriously, you can't justify cheating because you are bored or your husband doesn't work out, or whatever!

You are trying to justify the unjustifiable! Trust me, don't go there... it's a lot worse than just being bored with your hubby.

Why don't you start focusing on the guy you are married to?

All I can say is, "been there, done that", so I can not pass judgment. The only advice I can give you about this, is the same advice my best friend and my mother gave me when I was in your same shoes, "follow your heart".

I did, and it has not been an easy road, especially having to confess it my (ex) husband. My husband, at the time, and I were already having a ton of problems when the man I am seeing now entered the picture. Had I not already had enough of my husband, I would never have entertained the idea of seeing anyone else. I had suggested counseling and weekend retreats to save my marriage, but the only thing my husband would say is "if you need help, then you go and get it, I am not going". I attempted to rectify the situation, but when only one person is willing to correct what you can see is wrong, then what do you do? I tried to work things out, but he was not willing to meet me even halfway. I am sorry, but I felt that, after awhile, there was nothing to work out. And I hope this doesn't make me look or sound like a bad person and I hope I am not scorned by everyone.

The only thing I can tell you is I sympathize and hope you make the right decision for you. And remember, no one really knows your situation or circumstances, but you. So the decision you make needs to be the best one for you.

Hey, JerseyDiva,
You were probably aware from the onset that this message of yours would receive a few hostile replies. I agree with the main content of the replies thus far, but I will try to be less hostile in the hope that you will listen to me more as a result.

I do not think that marriage, or any type of commitment, is something that should be entered into frivilously. In reading what you wrote, I find myself wondering how much you were ever in love with your husband. I have no right to say that you weren't, but it seems as if you may have gotten married to a man for the wrong reasons in the beginning. Perhaps he was there for you as a friend when you needed him, and by marrying him, you figured that a good friend could be turned into a lover, with your marriage more or less insuring he would be there for you always.
This is a pure recipe for disaster. People need to get married not simply because they love somebody, but because they are *in love* with that person. Many people try to blind themselves to the distinction, but distinct it is. And if you marry someone whom you merely love in a platonic fashion, you can rest assured that you will eventually grow "bored" with them romantically, and begin finding many other men whom you meet exciting and attractive in a way that a happily married, truly in love women never would. Your husband's negative qualities (and everyone has them) will then begin to annoy you and turn you off much, much more than would the negative qualities of a man you actually loved in a romantic way; when we are truly in love, we tend to accept the good with the bad.

In regards to the "immaturity" issue, I can agree that you may have gotten married before you had "sowed all your oats," so to speak. As an individual, you were too young, and had not yet experienced enough in the romance department in order to "cleanse your system" of the desire for frequent male attention. Nobody should get married, IMO, until they have had a long introspective discussion with themselves about whether or not they are truly ready and willing to engage in a monogamous relationship. I'm not saying that all relationships have to be monogamous, but if you led someone to believe that you only wanted them, then you need to be absolutely sure that this is the case.

As for the May/December romance business...of course it can work. There is practically no lesser and no greater chance of such a relationship working or failing than a same age relationship. It all depends upon the chemistry, the emotional needs, physical preferences, and social aspects in common that both people have. And if both people truly want the relationship, and are not just looking for a momentary distraction.

But I agree with other respondents that the age issue is beside the point here.

If you don't love the man you're married to, then don't waste his time by staying with him. I do get the impression that you may not have been fully in love with this man when you did marry him.

For future reference...always be honest not only with the man you are with in regards to your feelings for him, but also be honest with yourself. Many broken hearts have resulted from people who entered a relationship when they knew, deep down, that they weren't ready for it.


I hope this was helpful to you.

Italian Knight

I think I should clarify what I wrote above. I'm not saying I think anyone who leaves her husband is horrible and that it's never warranted... I just think you can't just justify cheating. If you are going to leave him, that's a different story. But you shouldn't try to rationalize doing something so destructive. Know what it is. Call it what it is. Don't try and make excuses for it.

I too have been there. But I couldn't justify it. I could not. I knew it was wrong, so I ended my marriage. I'm very glad I did, because I knew it was a horrible thing to do. I didn't try and convince myself and others that it was okay. Let's call a spade a spade here.