Scared, confused

Okay, so in April I met a guy at a bar, I thought maybe he was 25 but turns out he is 21 about to turn 22 and is still in college. He is going away in 20 days and he is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. I am 30 he thought he was older than I am. I do look young for my age. I just dont know how this is going to work. I care about him soo very much. I tend to protect him from myself and my feelings in hopes that I dont hurt him in case something doesnt work out. He is the best, and makes me very happy. When he goes away to school I will be very sad. Does anyone have any advice or comments for me? My friends love him and think he is great but only concern is that we are both at different points in our lives right now. I am 30 wanting to settle in a few years, and this great guy has so many fun years ahead of him. But, he loves me and is happy with me and is upset that he is leaving as well. What do I do? think? feel? I am looking for some really good solid advice here. Please help!!!
J

Red, why are you so scared?

You two have feelings for each other, that's all that matters. Many people settle young, others will take longer to settle, it even seems to me that you two are in the same stage of life emotionally speaking, isn't this the most important?

Do you think breaking up with him is a solution to your fears? Do you prefer to feel miserable (and later try to get over it) than to fight for something that might be wonderful?

It's better to try to make it work and know that you tried, than having the impression, for the rest of your life, that he might have been the one for you... isn't it? That's at least how I see that.

Have you talked to him about all this? Communication is the key, he might reassure you to a point you won't have so much trouble accepting the relationship. Talk to him. :)

wow, do I know you? Yes I tend to run in situations that I can't figure out or if there is a possibilty of getting hurt. But, this time it's different. I do not want to hurt him and put that on him. This is the strange thing in the whole relationship. I am making sure to not hurt him. In other instances I would have only thought of myself. I also don't want to rob him of anything that he may miss out on because he has me. He doesn't know yet, of all the years of fun ahead of him. This is what my concern is the most. I'm afraid to fall deeper, and afraid not to fall deeper. We have talked a bit about it, but he gets kinda sad and doesn't want to talk about when he leaves. But, he did tell me that this wasn't a summer thing and that he wants to visit as much as possible, and for me to come by him as much as possible during the year. He is only 4 hours away for 8 months. He must have sensed my concern because he asked me if I were up to giving it my all to see where it goes.
We are going away in a couple weeks together before he leaves for the year. I am going to have a longer talk with him. It's just, is he old enough to even know what he wants?

Hehe, you know me now!

We have a member here in the boards that met her boyfriend in an online game. The story is different from yours in the sense they didn't have any plans whatsoever for a future together. But they gave each other their time. You know, they didn't have anyone else in their lives, they had fun together, so why not?

They kept talking, playing, meeting from time to time. Their age difference is about the same as yours. Then they noticed that they really liked each other and couldn't stand the idea of an open relationship... they kind of became spontaneously exclusive.

Well, the rest is so beautiful. They found out they were in love and willing to try. This time not only because they didn't have anyone else, but because with time they realized they were each other's dreamed partner. Sometimes it takes time to recognize it.

If you have feelings for each other, if you come to love each other, what could be more fun than living that adventure together? You wouldn't be robbing him of anything, you'd be showing him true love, true fun, the exciting world of happy relationships.

I say talk to him and go for it. But you know, I'm just a romantic! :)

Originally posted by red
It's just, is he old enough to even know what he wants? That depends on his level of maturity. My husband and I met when he was 21, and he knew exactly what he wanted in life.

Welcome to Agelesslove, and I hope that everything will work out well for you both. Let us know what happens after you have the long talk with him.

Ditto to what Maria said. Talk to him. What are all these years of "fun" anyway? Seeing how many women he can bed and how many all night drunken parties he can go to? Why not let him decide whether or not he knows what he wants. Just because you happen to be older, don't make the mistake of thinking that you know what is best for him. Communication is the key! You will forever regret it if you run away.

Whisper,
Thanks so much for your response, that does give me hope. I tend to forget that not every person thinks like I do or is ready for things when I am. And If i remember correctly, I wanted to be married by the time I was 22. So, that gives me so much hope. I will indeed let you know what comes out of our talk.
Thanks!
Red

Maria,
You are right, what is my deal. I should just let it all show and go for it. I will let you know how my talk is with him. He is amazing to be honest, and not what I ever expected to ever find in one person.

Inahnia,
You said exactly what I feel in one sentence:

"Just because you happen to be older, don't make the mistake of thinking that you know what is best for him."

I tend to think since I am older that I should be responsible for not only myself but him as well. I will lay the cards out on the table and let him decide what to do.

Do I dare ask what you ladies think his mother will think about all this???????

Originally posted by red
Do I dare ask what you ladies think his mother will think about all this??????? If she's anything like my husband's mother, she'll flip out! Totally. My husband's mother is fine with it now, and we're friends. But in the beginning........it was awful! But, then again, my husband and I had a pretty huge agegap (26 years). Give her time...it will probably take a while for her to accept it.

How long have you two been married Whisper? Very cute couple.

My boyfriend's mom is only 48, I'm 43, he's 27 and she loves me!! But my previous mother in law was completely crazy; she used the age gap, 15 years, to call me disgusting and other less polite things.

I think your gap is really small, nobody should say anything. And if they do, who is going to have a relationship with him, them or you? One thing you learn with this age gap thing is that in the long run, people end up accepting if they are not given any other choice. And the choice would be that you break up because they think love is not right if there's a gap... what a sad way to give up on someone you love!

Okay I think I am starting to really freak now. He told me again how much he loves me and how while he is away at school he will miss me a ton, and how he is not going to do anything to screw it up between him and I. I told him I loved him back, and it felt good, but now I am freaking out about everything. It was almost better when he didn’t know, am I afraid he has upper hand now? I am actually not sure what my feelings are, he is leaving in 17 days and I think I am afraid it will turn into a very infrequent visiting thing once he is gone, then the relationship will fade. I wish it could keep going where it is now, I feel like we are at the peak and now he is leaving. Any advice? Thoughts?

"I am 30 wanting to settle in a few years, and this great guy has so many fun years ahead of him."


Girl, you could BE his fun years, ever thought of that?

I know I could be, but i am used to jerks who dont want to settle. I don't know how to handle this one.

You handle it by taking things one day at a time. By the way, I don't think you've mentioned -- how far away from you will he be when he goes back to college?

The reality of it is, long distance relationships aren't easy, so it really depends on how dedicated you both are to the relationship and nurturing it. How often will you two be able to see eachother? How will you keep the lines of communication open while you're apart? Can you "hold on loosely", but not let go?

His mother's reaction will most likely be one of skepticism in the beginning, unless he's dated older women before. Once she realizes that you have no intention of getting in the way of his education, and that his happiness is paramount for you, then I'm sure she'll relax and grow to accept you.

Your age gap will lessen and lessen as time goes by, until neither of you even notices it! It really becomes an issue of what your goals are and what you both want out of life, and less an age gap thing.

Good luck! :)

I know, one day at a time, I think I am panicking. He will be 4 hours away. We started talking last night abotu weekends that we will see eachother, he has a few planned with his friends to visit and then he is in volleyball and may get a p/t job, so maybe that is why I am panicked, like well hell? when will I see you?? I want to give him space and time to do what he needs to do, but I also want to be able to see him. And I guess I am feeling like on the back burner right now, not totally, because he is constantly tellign me how much he will be missing me and how much he doesn't want to go. But a part of me is thinking, you are going to go to school and realize how fun it is and forget about me :( I feel like I finally have something good with someone, only to have it possibly taken away from me all because of bad timing. When you have a lot to lose it sucks. I can't stop feeling upset abotu this, he said that I need to stop being sad or I will ruin the next few days with him. we are going away this weekend together, and I want it to be a happy time, not me freaking like this. I think I need some paxil or something. LOL I hate this feeling.....

Red, please take this constructive feedback in the spirit in which it is intended. But, your b/f is right. You need to get a handle on the feelings that you are going through. You evidently have some past hurts that have conditioned you to feel abandoned by his returning to school.

Using terms like "feel like am on the back burner" or "he's at school having fun" are making it appear as if you feel less important than the goal he has set for himself to complete his college education. Why can't he have both you AND his college education? And, why does one have to be more important than the other?

A four hour distance is difficult, but definitely not impossible. I should know. My fiance lives 5500 miles away from me in Romania. We have been a couple for 10 months now and we are making it work. Oh sure, we have our rough spots. There are times I am in tears over it. I am so frustrated about being apart from the man I love that I get downright crazy (as several here I talk to privately will tell you). But, an LDR CAN work for you if you both find a way to relax and are equally committed to making it work.

Please consider visiting our LDR forum. There are several of us here who post there and offer tips and support to each other to make sure we do all that we can to make it work.

Again, I do hope that you aren't offended by my bluntness. I really do wish you all the best.

I also want to draw your attention to my signature line. I added this in May after I went through a period of extreme worry. I also panicked. So, I know how you feel. ;)

You are so right, I know i have abandonment issues from past relationships, and since my focus is all off right now I am afraid i am going to ruin it. There is nothing wrong between him and I we are both happy, but I know a lot of what has come out of my mouth in the past couple of days has been pretty negative and I am afraid I may push him away. How do I get my focus back? I need to feel and be more positive, but it is somewhat blurry to me right now as to how to get there.

Originally posted by red
You are so right, I know i have abandonment issues from past relationships, and since my focus is all off right now I am afraid i am going to ruin it. There is nothing wrong between him and I we are both happy, but I know a lot of what has come out of my mouth in the past couple of days has been pretty negative and I am afraid I may push him away. How do I get my focus back? I need to feel and be more positive, but it is somewhat blurry to me right now as to how to get there.

A tip that a good friend of mine (also in an international LDR) suggested for me once is that whenever I am feeling down about the situation, I need to talk to her first about it. That way, I keep the negativity out of my conversations with Remi (my fiance). While I haven't always been successful at this, I do try it as often as possible when those negative feelings start surfacing.

I do talk to Remi about my feelings, but when I seem to be dwelling on issues about our distance apart, it does seem to be a big downer for both of us. So, it's best to follow the approach my friend suggested.

You know, Red. I think that what I'll do is put a copy of your thread in our LDR forum. I'll leave it here but it will link to that forum. Because your issues really do seem to be mostly about concerns about the distance.

Thank you, I appreciate you putting a link there. I wish I would have talked to a friend instead of letting it all out last night on him. I will just make an effort to not do that again.

Feel free to send me PM here at ageless anytime you need to talk. I also have yahoo messenger. Let me know if you'd like me to add you to my friend's list so we can chat there.

please do contact me, we can support each other. I am on yahoo invisible most days. If I dont answer right away I am away from my desk. Red_60067

Ok. I'll add you to my list when I get home. I can't use yahoo messenger here at work or I'd do it now. If I forget, please definitely remind me. :)

I only use during the day, it will have to be like this unless i turn the PM on here. THanks for your help and pointing out the abandonment thing. You are very right on!! NOW that I know what it is that I am feeling, I need to figure out the steps to not messing this up like I have in the past....





1. Love-addict selves don't want to be alone at all. They use positive engulfment, that is over servicing the love contract (27 hours a day, 8 days a week, 369 days a year!) These selves make it as hard as possible for a partner to abandon the relationship, even for a few minutes. This may involve lots of intensity including a clinging kind of love which only an inner self would mistake for real intimacy. Being one-below selves, they may also put up with extremely unpleasant out of control or over-controlling behaviour , sooner than lose that partner.

2. Abandoned child selves are frightened about being alone so they regularly pressure a partner for reassurance that he or she is not thinking of abandoning the relationship. Only an inner self would believe that a verbal promise obtained this way might actually have the power to prevent a partner abandoning the relationship.

3. Wounded child selves are fearful of the pain of being alone so they try to manipulate a partner for example by using fear (threats of suicide) or guilt (over-playing victim role) to stop him or her abandoning the relationship. Each of these tactics, however, increases the feelings in the other partner of being smothered, engulfed or enmeshed which that person will equate with no longer being loved. That, in turn, raises the chance of the engulfed partner abandoning or leaving the relationship, especially if they have fears of being controlled.

This is all great advice, and I know what I need to do when he is gone. I just don't want to get these panic attacks all the time. I need to be positive even if I dont' feel it at the moment when I am with him. I think when he left last night he knew I was upset, and kept saying goodbye to me over and over again, it was hard to let him go, and I know its hard for him to leave. But, I still have till the 18th, thats when he leaves, to reassure him that I am okay and will be missing him (in a healthy manner) while he is away. I know this has been a big downfall in my past relationships, rather it be I let go and tell the person my feelings then I feel vulnerable and need that constant reassurance that I didn't need before I told them my feelings, or i try to do as many things as possible to help them in every aspect of their life to make it known to them that I care, its so pathetic when I think about it, but I am so grateful for all of your words of advice and support, it is actually showing me the unhealthy pattern I have created. I know what I do now, and why I do it, now I need to find ways to cope with it and make it not such a horrible thing. Like do things that I enjoy while he is away and focus on my life and my goals that I have. And when I can see him and enjoy every moment like I do now. I sound like such a co-dependent but I am really ultra-independent. I love my life an dwhat I have made of it, its just these little things that kill. Everything is going great with my guy and I, I just need to keep remembering that. Thanks for all your help!!!!! :D

That's a good idea. I did tell him I am having a hard time with all this on Sunday. Do you think I should appoligize for my negativity and let him know that i am struggling but its something I need to just figure out on my own? I am not sure what's best. Bringing up Sunday night again to him, or just letting it lie and be as happy as I can be. Which by the way, last night I went and worked out, man I have to remember how good that makes me feel. I was walking out of the gym humming a song and smiling and I felt good. And then he called to say he missed me :).

I'm not sure that I feel that you should apologize for the feelings that you are having, but I do think that the two of you should sit down and discuss your strategy as a team for how you will maintain your LDR. Sort of like setting the ground rules and expectations.

So, maybe you could say something like this, "I want you to know that I am committed to doing all that I can to ensure that we continue to have a good relationship after you return to college. I would like to talk to you about developing a strategy for us to be able to see each other and/or talk to each other on a regular basis." And, then let the discussion flow. You both probably can come up with some creative ways to keep your relationship going.

I hope it goes well for you. ;)

Okay I am going to try to stop this, but …. Last night I went to my YM softball game and after for drinks, I met his brother for the first time. His brother is a year younger than him and very nice and seems sweet. Out of the blue he asked me “are you and my brother staying together when he goes to school”. This kinda took me by surprise, I thought wow, he is asking me as if I have all the control. I said well, yeah that’s what I want. And later I thought, Damn! I should have said yes if he is going to be dedicated to this than I will be too. I couldn’t help but think that my YM must have talked to his brother about being worried or something. I think my reactions to him in the past few days may have caused my YM to think I was going to leave him when he left for school. Some of my YM’s friends were inviting me to parties they are having while my YM is away. I know his friends like me so I feel more secure, I just need to stop this obsessing. I thought I could write on here till this all passes, it makes me feel good to write it out at least. Any thoughts from anyone?

I wouldn't worry too much about the brother asking if you're going to stay together. Maybe he was just curious and wanted to know. I wouldn't read so much into what others are saying about what you will, or will not, be doing. I'd remain focused on keeping the channels of communication open with your b/f and not worry about what everyone else is saying. Don't even try to analyze what your b/f MAY be feeling by analyzing his discussions with others. You've got to talk to him to really know how he feels.

Feel free to post here anytime! Sometimes it just helps to bounce ideas off on us. I'm more than happy to offer an opinion anytime.

You are right, I tend to dwell on what others say. I think I am afraid to confront him myself. I am thinking I will force myself to do it this weekend. I am always afraid that it will scare someone or push them away to lay all the cards out on the table like that. I honestly don't even know how to just say "Hey, I wanna talk about how things are going to be next year, and I want to tell you how I feel" Why is that so hard for me???!!!??? I think its hard to get into serious mode to talk to him, I dont want to put a damper on the weekend. How do I do this?

Well, I don't know why you're that way, but I can say that for me, I was that way with my fiance alot at first, too. And I know why. In my case, it's because each time I tried to discuss things with my ex-husband, he would shut down or run like a scared rabbit. There was no such thing as talking things through. So, I was always afraid with my fiance to bring things up. I just knew that it would scare him off.

With my fiance, Remi, it's the complete opposite. If I DON'T talk to him, then he makes me! It's so refreshing. You may find that your guy would appreciate you being open with your feelings.

But, once you've discussed them and come to an understanding with each other, don't repeat MY mistake and keep rehashing it over and over again. Discuss it... come to an understanding and or consensus, and then move on.

Actually my ex of 7 years did the same thing, he would shut down or shut up when I would express myself. And I think I am like that with my YM now because I did ask him about 2 months ago about what he thought would happen when he went back to school, and he said to me "we dont have to talk abotu this now we have over 2 months to have fun, its too sad to talk about right now" and I did agree then, but maybe that made me think I could never talk about it, or maybe I thought at the time, uh-oh this is just a summer fling. But, since he has expressed his love for me a lot lately, I think maybe I need to take a risk and just talk about it with him this weekend. I agree, re-hashing is not only annoying but needy looking. I will keep that in mind too. Is it too much to tell him, what I want and need from him do you think? Maybe I need to just tell him everything, but that fear of him running in the other direction is in the back of my head. I want a comitment, which is what we have so thats good. I need for him to communicate to me, and to call when he says he is oging to call, (which he does now, but sometimes he doesn't) and I need this especially when he is away at school, not becasue I dont trust him, but because things feel weird when he doesn't call when he says he will. Maybe I will make a list and go over it with him, I dont know. What do you think?

I think that's a great idea, Red. And, it sounds like you two need to sit down and not only talk about the LDR "ground rules", but also about your "communication ground rules", too. I am a firm believer in being able to express our opinions and concerns to our partners without fear that they will become angry or run off. You need to be able to feel comfortable talking about anything you want to with him. So, before you even talk about how you'll handle your LDR, sounds to me like you two need to first agree on your general communication styles with each other, too. I hope that makes sense. :)

Although you have been treated badly by some men before, you must trust that the Universe does not have it out to get you. You seem so starved for love that once you sense that you have it, you automatically go into hyper-vigillence to make certain you do not lose it.

But the truth is, there is no reading a crystal ball to see where this one may go. Rather than fight for a desired outcome, why not just see what happens. Look at this as a grand adventure. Hold your love lightly so you can have the joy of seeing him return rather than choking your love till it dies in your hands.

You are all you need. No other man will EVER be the answer to your completeness. Focus on defining and "finding" you, then see what man you might want to add to your life. If you do that, the all important question that you are asking: "will it last or not?" will cease to be a question. For then you can trust in YOU to take care of YOU, no matter what.