Going through tough times

I think this is the first thread on here by a man, I think, so here I go..yes we also do have our own LDR worries, but don't really want to spill them out..I certainly don't want to show too much weakness!

It took me a good 4 weeks to even attempt to register here..but I've finally done it in hopes of letting some steam out, and possibly getting some advice.

A bit of a background on me

I am male, 18 years old, originally from Romania (near the city of Brasov, north of Bucharest) and currently stationing in Chicago (Illinois)..My family and I moved to the US in July 1997 (our 7 year anniversary just passed)., and haven't done so well, something that I will not let myself talk about just this moment.

A bit of a background on her

She is from Canada, 29 years old, has two children and is currently involved in a failing 7 year relationship (not married). She currently is a stay-at-home Mom..and takes care of her two daughters.

Love, Love, Love..

We've known each other for well over a year and a half now..only getting "intimate", and sharing our feelings for the past 5 months or so.

We've been close for most, if not all of those months, as I ran a gaming clan (a bunch of people playing games together), and she become my assistant..and the friendship grew from there.

Now don't get me wrong..so far it only has been an online relationship, we have yet to meet..but I've grown to love her deeply..her quirks, attitude, laugh..her voice..everything. Sure she has "those days" where she is grouchy, but my favorite response to that is "You are my lover, my best friend and soulmate..And sometimes all three of you piss me off!" Yes, a bit humorous ;)

To sum up how I feel about her..I'd literally take a bullet for her if it came down to it..without hesitation.

Synopsis 1-5 months

After making our feelings for each other known..a frenzy just started..we were online close 12 hours a day just talking through IMs, emails, PMs..and using our microphones (I was really afraid that she might not like my voice, as I am a bit young; thankfully my voice doesn't really crack).

After bottling up our feelings for each other..nothing felt better than to say how much you really cared...We swapped songs, packages in the mail, postcards..etc

We talked about the future.. We both agreed that we wanted to be with each other and start a life together..She brought up the issue of marriage, and kids..I said I wanted one, and she did say that in the future when it does come up, that she is willing to as well.

We also talked on how our relationship will be viewed by both our families, my responsabilities as a parental figure (to her daughters), and in some detail finances, and that we will have to fight like hell to make "us" happen.

In March her "SO" found a birthday gift I had sent her, and also a postcard etc. By that time I had told my family about the relationship, and she (given the circumstances had to do the same).

All of this happen happened during the course of March, April and May..Now in June something odd started happening..She pretty much became "closed off" to me, in a very progressive manner...For example, we used to have daily voice chats through MSN, that lasted hours..and were pleasant..Well starting in June it became "a chore" to hold a conversation with her.

I found myself (as each day went by), trying to make her talk, to promote discussion..on a daily basis. She was simply so quiet..Unlike what she used to be, or was before (even during the past year or so). It felt like she was closing off to me.

After much debating..she finally let it out that..Well, she was having "doubts" about us, our future, how it will change her daughters (by removing them from the medium they are at now), and also her not wanting to hurt anybody. All of a sudden..she couldn't see a future for us..I asked her if she still wanted to go ahead with a planned move in Novemeber..and she responded by simply saying "I love you"..

An answer like that immediately told me she was closing in..because usually that would get us to talk about how we'd decorate the place we got, and how peaceful and loving it would be to sleep in the same bed..and wake up next to each other.

Pretty soon after..I told her that she did have to make a choice because I simply could not "move" given less than 3 months notice, and two days of no contact later she wrote me a "good bye" letter..which reading it was basically like a dagger cutting through my heart.

We were both crying..we were on voice..and it was hard. Harder than anything to read it..It said that she loves me, and she loves her kids..But doesn't want to "screw up" their futures by making a mistake..by removing them from their father, and that she needs to make this sacrifice for her kids. But that she still wants to be part of my life, and remain close..

I was devastated. I was hurt. I felt like going outside and screaming, and punching a wall in anger. I didn't know what to do..I hated her, I loved her at the same time..How could she do this to me? To us? To our plans? Our future?

I couldn't just be "friends" with her, when she herself told me she was not happy with her life..she told me she died on the inside each day that went on..that she wasn't happy. So then why make this sacrifice, if you are just going to run yourself into the ground.

We ended pretty much all contact..but over the course of days..we got back together..It was hard to do..She said she wasn't sure if she made the biggest mistake of her life by letting go of me, that she was in love with me. I said I was in love with her, but that she did hurt me deeply (I never expected her to end us short..we didn't even get a chance to meet yet).

After coming together, she said that again she loves me and her kids..and hopes that sometime in the future something will work out..

Even after coming back together..we were both rocked by more bad news on the beginning of this month. She was diagnosed with HCV (Hepatitis C) :( The news hit her hard, because she was dealing with "us" and her situation, and having problems with that..but then the news of this on top of everything simply devastated her. And it hit me hard to..I didn't know what to do..I sent her flowers, I tried to be there for her..listen to her..Every bone in my body wanted to be there for her..to hold her in my arms, to kiss her and tell her I still love her..That she is still the woman that I dream of; but the world is too cruel..I am 1, 200 miles away and unable to cheer my love up, to bring her up when she is feeling down.

And it isn't a good feeling to say the least..

Right now..we barely talk anymore. She plays a game called Priston Tale, spends quite literally 16 hours a day on it..We try and talk daily..but even then it is only for 15-20 minutes before I go to work and sleep..and it is very short. And when she does come online, she is in a different world..I can't get through to "her"..she is reserved, quiet..doesn't talk very much.

Sometimes we don't talk for a day..she just tells me that she wants to relax, and goes to play the game..from 2 PM to 3 AM. My question is, why isn't she relaxing with me? Is it because of me that she is having these problems? Do I remind her of her problems?

Currently she goes to counseling, every week..so I am hoping that will get her the help she needs..But here we are at the beginning of August..and I have no idea where I fit in her life..I feel like I am losing her, losing the love of my life..each day that passes I wonder if she will say good bye to me..or that we have no future together. :(

I don't know what to do..I am lost., I need some encouragement..some support..I decided to at least visit her in November once I have the money (currently working full time, and looking for a second job), but I have no idea if that will be too late..She was against an August meeting because to her "It would only complicate things"..but for me it would simplify them..

All I really need is for her to say that she wants a future with me, something to give me hope, to keep me going..

Help?

emil...first, welcome

i want you to know i read all of your post, and felt your pain all the way through. you sound like a wonderful, caring man.

i have no words of wisdom for you. but i hope to give you some encouragement and support. at times, it isn't unusual that we do withdraw...we get scared, we think we don't have the right to happiness when we perceive that others will be hurt. it can be a hard process to work it out and realize we do have a right "to claim" our dream. i'm glad she is in counseling, and i hope she can work it out. you sound like a "keeper", and i hope she doesn't spend the rest of her life living a "what if i had only". the disease is just one more thing she also has to deal with, and come to terms with.

the fact that you still do talk is positive. i would just "softly" let her know you are there for her, love her, and encourage that you do meet. that her fears can be worked out, that there can be other options for what she sees as the "blocks".

all the best emil... please keep us updated how it goes for you

Welcome to agelesslove, Emil. I am sorry that you are hurting so much right now. :(

It sounds like she has ALOT on her plate. She has just been diagnosed with a very major disease. You, the man she loves, is 1200 miles away from her. And, you mentioned that she is still involved in a failing, long-term relationship. There could be any number of reasons that she is withdrawing from you, not to mention that she may be having a problem with your age gap, or even the fact that the two of you have not yet met in person.

I will say that one thing concerns me alot and that's the fact that it doesn't sound like she has ended things with the other man in her life. Is it possible that she is torn about how she feels for him? After all, you've been involved for a long time now, yet your post seems to indicate that she is still currently involved with him. :confused:

Either way, she sounds to me like she is trying to have some space to sort things out. I agree with Christina. Find a way to softly and gently let her know that you are there for her. Continue to talk, but don't push her. Give her the room that she needs to work through what she is going through, but yet be available as a strong shoulder to lean on.

It's difficult being so far from someone that you love. I know, because my fiance, Remi, lives 5500 miles away from me in your home country of Romania. :) We can't be there together to hold each other when we are feeling down. So, I know how much that hurts.

We are here if you need to talk. Remember that there's a relationship support forum where you may receive more responses to your thread. I was a little reluctant to move this because your issues not only involve other relationship problems, you've also got the added issue of the LDR. But, if you want me to move your thread there so you'll get more responses, just let me know.

By the way, I was in Brasov in March when I went to visit Remi. It's beautiful there. And I'm sorry that your family has had a hard time here in the U.S.

Thank you for the welcome and encouragement.

I see what you are saying, and it is something that I have thought about as well...I have personally come to terms (at least in my mind) with "the blocks", and obviously the new responsabilities that would be involved a lot earlier in the relationship albeit later; hopefully she will be able to do overcome them as well. I am as ready as I will ever be to meet and deal with the issues that arise in person.

I will follow your advice and "softly" be there for her..I have suggested that I get a small apartment while she gradually introduces me to her daughters..that way it isn't just me showing up, and totally changing the environment..Plus it will also give us time to get to know each other, and our "physical" selves better. I wouldn't be able to afford one for more than a couple of months..but hopefully the transition period will be enough.

Recently, she has told me she sees no future for her but that a small part of her wants to fight on but is just confused. I really want to be with her though, and we both know we will happy (sure, we are also looking forward to our first real argument!), so all I can really do is hope and love until the very end, or until it clears up for her.

I will keep this updated no matter the outcome.

@whiterose

Wow. What a small world it is..I was born in Brasov, but lived for most of my years in Cristian..a small city/large village about a couple of kilometers from there, near Rasnov, and Ghimbav.

Did you go on the Tampa? or the Black Church? The Bran Castle is also close by..Beautiful sights all around!

My mother was just there for one month..Her grandparents aren't doing too well..and she wanted to see them one last time before they passed away.

Got ahead of myself, pretty excited to have somebody else be visiting there..But on with the real issue.

------------------

From what we've talked (this was even before us revealing our feelings), she said she was going to "move on" at the end of this year and end the relationship with him. In her words she is just "going through the motions" for her daughters.

He is gone for 5 days out of the week (only comes home on the weekends), and is the sole provider..So it is hard for her to just 'move on'..So I am not sure..It is possible that she maybe torn, but I haven't felt something like that coming from her.

Obviously ending a relationship, that has been going on for 7 years isn't something to be taken lightly..especially for an "age-gap", online relationship (doesn't that sound a bit crazy).

I get frustrated that she doesn't talk as much, and is withdrawing..because I remember the times when we spent hours, upon hours just chatting away, giggling etc. Now she seems so "empty"..Sometimes that makes me feel like she doesn't want to be with me :( (even though she says she does want to be with me) nevertheless I'll do my best to be there for her.

I just wish there was more than just "being online" to be there for her..because really all we both want to do is be in each other arms.

P.S.: thread should be ok here..

Emil,
I dont have tons of wise advice for you; although reading your letter almost made me cry.
You seem like such a sweet and caring and very articulate man who truly wants to love and support this woman.

I have spent hours and hours online with someone in a very deep LDR, and know what thats like, when you are physically apart but you eat, sleep and breathe for that person anyway.

Its especially rough at the moment with her dealing with Hep. C newss---by the way my brother has had that for years. One more thing on her plate to deal with.

I wonder how old her children are and if she has considered getting work to help her in moving on?

I went from a stay at home mom in a very long term(and very difficult) relationship to a single mom all on my own and know what a huge transition that is, but she has to move towards getting herself and her kids out and self sufficient or it will never happen---and the months and years of unhappiness will wear on.

Again, my best to you, you seem so sweet..and welcome to Ageless.

I'm glad that you two are at least still talking. Keep the channels of communication open. When she feels ready, do try to meet, because that is a very important step that both of you need to work through.


About Romania, I wish that I could say that we travelled to those places, but unfortunately, we didn't have the time. We only spent one day travelling outside Bucharest and then went straight to Peles Castle and Bran Castle and back to Bucharest. But, maybe next time I can spend more time visiting the sights.

Remi was born in Sibiu, grew up in Barlad, and is currently living in Vaslui. He has never travelled on his own much throughout the country, other than by rail to places like Sibiu, Bucharest or Oradea. So, he wasn't much help to me as a tourist guide. LOL He was always afraid of getting lost and was even a little shy to get out and roam Bucharest much either. :)

Maybe one day when you feel like it, you can talk to me more about your home country. If you have yahoo messenger, send me your handle in PM and I'll add you to my friends list.

Sorry to get off track here. I really hope that things work out for you and the woman you love.

I also wanted to add that I'm sorry that your great-grandparents are not doing well. :(

@ravenglow

Yes, she has considered work but the youngest daughter is 5, and she would have to pay for child care..given the way prices for that are right now whatever she would be making would go straight to child care with little else left over.

Once she goes to school (the daughter), it will be a lot easier for her to get a job and maintain it, though.

I think overall I am just lost..I love her dearly, and want to be part of her life..but given her recent behavior it makes me wonder if she has given up on us. :(

I am thinking that I will give her the space, and as mentioned "softly" be there for her..something I am not that used to as I am a very direct, to-the-point kind of person, and I get frustrated when I see us this way.

Thank you for all of your words..I have to leave now; going to work but I will be back to reply..and hopefully talk with her.

Emil, welcome to Ageless from me too, and - being the OW to a YM of 20, who met online gaming, I can kinda relate to your situation.

My b/f and I met gaming in Sept. 02, but got kinda emotionally evolved around April 03 - and it took us till around May 03 to even get to the point of deciding to meet - after breaking up about 3 times because we (well, especially I) thought "no way" this is real or going to work - and our "break ups" lasted like about a few hours each time ...

Even the first time we met, I pulled out but again we found we just couldn't let go, so we finally decided to give it a serious try (well, having found Agelesslove by then did help to realize that I wasn't just totally "nuts".

So, I can sympathise a lot with the ups and downs you are facing ...

Just to say what kept me "on board" with my ym, however, (apart from my feelings, ofc ;) ), was his persistence and his continuous positive attittude that it could work; he was always willing to listen to my worries and to reassure me, so for me this worked ;)

But yes, with all the added issues your OW got on her plate, it might take quite a bit or may even be too much to deal with in the longer run.

I wish you luck though, and hope things will turn out for the best...

Btw, a good friend of mine is from Brasov, too - even though she mainly lived in Bucharest before she came to Britain (we did our postgrad studies together, she's married in Britain now, though).
So, I heard nice things about the area ...

Well just a quick update..I did mention I was going to.

The situation hasn't gotten any better..in fact in my opinion it has gotten worse, will probably be over soon. We are running into some sort of cycle..

1. She is a yo-yo..one day she is feeling ok, we have some good conversations..the next she starts talking back to me, or she says "I'll see you tomorrow"..and doesn't at all, or she comes online on MSN for 10 seconds and then leaves which IMO is disrespectful.

2. I tell her (pretty calmly, not worth getting mad over it) that her behavior is disrespectful, and that I don't tolerate this kind of "I'll see you tomorrow but not show up and not apologize" stuff.

3. Then the next day she says "I don't know what to say to you..seems everything I do is pissing you off"

Which is clearly NOT the case..I am guessing she is trying to find some faults with me so she can say "alright, see it isn't working out..so I am just going to break it off".

Any advice?

I am thinking of just ignoring this airy behavior and doing whatever until she gets over it, but I am not that experienced so I'd appreciate any help.

As for being positive..I am trying to..but it is extremely hard when she is playing 'games'..I just want her to COMMUNICATE and not MANIPULATE.

@whiterose

I don't have yahoo..but I do have MSN. :)

I'm sorry Emil that things are not better for you. :( It's a tough call, but my gut instinct tells me that the best thing for you to do is the next time you are able to catch her online long enough to talk to you that you (1) tell her how you are feeling about how things are going between you and (2) tell her what you need from her in order for things to be better. You may want to write some thoughts down on a note pad to have handy when the time comes so that you do not come off angry and defensive and so that you don't leave out any concerns that you want addressed.

If that doesn't work, then my next suggestion would be to stop contacting her at all. Leave the ball in her court and see what she does. If she cares for you and wants to continue the relationship, then she will eventually wonder what happened to you and contact you to try to talk. Maybe when she misses having you around, that's when she will be more focused on your relationship.

Again Emil, it's also possible that she has not completely worked through ending that other relationship. She may be very torn and just doesn't know how to tell you. But, then there could be a whole host of possible reasons why she is acting this way. The truth is, only she knows and you deserve to have her tell you.

I'll try and remember to add you to my msn friends list, but the truth is, I don't log into msn very often. But, you could always PM me here at ageless and ask me to log on there if you need to talk.

Good luck to you. :)

One more thing.... I know that she has told you that she is not married. But, is it possible that she is in fact married after all?

Well, after sending a PM to her telling her I'll be home after work..she basically gave me the whole line of "I don't know what to say to you..seems that you are pissed at me for everything..I am going to go away, won't be on MSN, I need to sort my life out".

Obviously, knowing her she either probably got drunk the whole night to try and 'drown' everything, or played the game for 20 hours straight. The problem with that is, HCV attacks the liver..and getting drunk only damages it further..and lack of sleep also weakens the immune system.

I talked to her about that a lot of times, that she needs to take good care of herself..To eat better, get rest, not drink alcohol, get sleep at regular hours etc. And it all falls on deaf ears. This was really the only "part" that I was pissed with and I think rightfully so.

Anyways, we talked after the PM, during my lunch break, and she apologized for being disrespectful, and said she needs time away.

So I am going to give that time away (not that I wasn't before..we only talked for about half an hour) and keep my distance until she reaches out to me, if ever.

I personally think it is all over by now though. We had a good run, but honestly..I don't think she is ready for a relationship..

Her drinking, excessive gameplaying, depression..All signal that there is major emotional stuff going on in her life right now and her not dealing with it isn't going to make it all better..

I am giving her time away, knowing that I have done everything in my power to make her happy, and be there for her..but as I told her, "until you can love yourself, you can't really love somebody else". If she doesn't want to be helped, then there isn't much I, or anybody else can do beyond that point. She needs to realize her worth as a woman, find her good qualities, take care of herself (mind + body) and her outlook will change.

If at a later time, she is willing to be helped, or the counseling worked (how can it, though if she is missing appointments?!) then I would be willing to invest time and my emotions to move us forward, but until then it is a lost cause.

@whiterose

Yes, it is possible..but she hasn't given me any "suspicions" to be inclined to believe that,

I know that it's hard to let go of someone when you love them and want to help them. And, you can be there for her and support her when she is ready, but you are absolutely right that she has to work on all these issues herself. So, it sounds to me like the approach you are planning is definitely the right thing to do. Let go and let God take care of her. I'll say a prayer for her, too, that things improve for her soon.

In the meantime, please be sure and take care of you. And, keep us posted on what happens.

Thank you for the prayer! :)

And yes it is very hard, but I feel that I've done basically all I can do, to make it better and make 'us' possible; but it can't be a one-sided fight.

In any case, I am taking care of myself. Went out yesterday with one of my friends that I've known well for 7 years now, and had a good time. Watched I, Robot, The Bourne Supremacy, went out to eat and talked a lot.

I am sad, and a bit apathetic..just feel like sleeping.

emil... a very well thought out and understanding approach. at times, we just realize "we are messed up" and have no idea how to get out of it, and that is exactly what time is for. you are giving her that... i hope that you also heal from this hurt and that she realizes what a gift you have given her.

thoughts and prayers for you both

emil...those are all natural responses to what you have been through..and they are perfedtly fine to feel that way. live your life now the best you can... and take care of yourself.

Emil,

So sorry to here about your troubles. You sound like an incredibly mature and understanding man. HCV in the advance stages affects the seratonin levels in the brain. Many individuals with HCV suffer from extreme mood swings as well as clinical depression. Alcohol only intensifies this. If she needs any information regarding HCV please feel free to share my e-mail address. I have lived with the HCV virus for MANY years and have Stage 4 liver disease and am currenty on the transplant list.
My e-mail is vanderson@tgh.org. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Joi Anderson
Vice President Florida Liver Association
Tampa General Hospital

joi...thoughts and prayers for you...

Joi I have sent her your email address, however, I doubt she'll actually contact you..It doesn't seem like anything is working to get her out of her 'destructive' mode..I was thinking of sending her a package in the mail with some Milk Thistle and other natural liver helpers..but I don't know if that would be crossing anythhing. I don't want to be overbearing, after she said she needs time away, but my heart goes bonkers when I know that she isn't taking care of herself. WTH is she thinking?

As for me I feel like **** basically.

Got hit by a car, riding my bike.. and it got nasty..The lady driving basically T-boned me, I got thrown out of my bike and hit the cement curb on the right side of my face, a couple of cm from my temple..Paramedics said I would have been unconcious, if not dead, had I hit the temple at that speed. My right shoulder got bruised up, the right side of my face also got deeply bruised/scraped/hit pretty hard..feels sore to even eat now. My left hand is just scraped badly, although healing, and my palms are also well bruised and scraped..as I tried to fall on them at least.

No broken bones, or brain damage..although I was in the twilight zone after hitting my head on the curb..Couldn't feel anything not even the rain pouring down..it was kind of surreal.

Bike got damaged (front tire is very wobbly), and riding the bike home was a big mistake..especially in the torrential rain..I should have taken a ride..Live and learn.

And of course after walking home one of the managers at work, it starts puring down again..so my cuts all opened up again..and sting a lot.

So yeah..not feeling too good now.

Should have went to bed a long time ago, but I can only sleep on my back otherwise the bed sheets start attaching themselves to my skin.

emil... glad you are ok..what a close call!

Wow, Emil, I'm so sorry to hear about your accident. I hope you'll be on the mend soon.

Well don't know what to say, or really explain it all..About a week ago she made contact with me, told me that she loved me and that she really needed the time away..and thanked me for understanding. Which was a relief because I honestly thought she was going away from my life :(

This weekend I got a message that she is officially a single mom now..he has left on Friday..and that she needs time away to deal with it..and that she will be looking for work soon. Which is a big step, it is a big 'everything'..Her kids start school on Wednesday, and she has an appointment today to schedule a biopsy of her liver and talk about the procedure, risks etc. I am not sure what her financial situation is, or how she is dealing with it all.

On top of that my best friend got at me about not going Canada if it happens, and to enjoy the "single life" because it is too early to do what I want to do We've been friends for a long time, wanted to join the Marines or the US Rangers together, so I am guessing he just isn't looking forward to me just going away.

Problem is I told him that if it does work out with her, then I'd go ahead and go where I belong..with her! He could come and visit us if he wanted to., so I am not sure why he is giving me crap about that NOW. We had dreams, we had plans, but itis time I move on, and be with the woman I love.

So it's hard..very hard..I think I am under a lot of pressure because I don't know how exactly she is doing..(financial situation..bad or good?) , worrying about her feeling alone..being a single mom, her managing life/work/us..all of this stuff is just in my head and I feel like disconnecting my emotions, going in my shell and just carrying on.

I want to see her..and I am not sure if I should offer to help her with some money to cover expenses until she finds a job, or to give her some time to find a better job instead of picking anything..but I don't know if that would be too much, too fast..should I wait etc. Don't want to make it seem that as soon as he leaves I am sending money, but I do want to help if the need is there.

It is all new to me. I can't sleep, and I'm nervous. Big changes.

Hi again Emil. Well, it sounds like the space you have given her has been beneficial to her. I'm glad.

About how to help her from this point forward? I think you should ask her. Just say, "I feel like I want to help you. Is there anything that I can do for you?" That should be sufficient to get the thought into her head that you are still want to be there for her, but yet she will have control over how much, and what type, of help.

I hope her biopsy turns out ok and that soon she'll be feeling much better. :)

Thanks for the replies..

Don't have much time here (have to go to work) however things haven't really progressed anywhere.

I think we've only talked about once this month..I did send her some PM's just to keep in touch but she hasn't responded. So in the last one I just told her I'll be checking on the site for PMs / email if she wants to get in touch me.

I've given myself the deadline of November (Day of the Dead) to see where this is going (if she makes contact, or has some sort of impulse to go forward). If that hasn't happened, then I will be moving on.

I love her, but it has been close to 4 months of wandering, and sitting on eggshells to see what is going on. I can't allow myself to keep on hoping if the hope just isn't there to begin with.

If she does make a move before then (nov), or gives some glimmer of hope..then I will still take it SLOW. I need to make sure she is emotionally ready, and willing to move forward in a manner that is BENEFICIAL to both of us as a couple.

She needs to come to the conclusion that us is worth it, and do it without me pressuring her. If she comes back to me, then it is all good; it was her choice. Otherwise, with pressure, I am just going to get in a n enternally fixer-upper relationship, and I do not want that. I want us to have a fun, loving relationship where we can both grow, and be comfortable with each other.

Time to go now.

Emil,

May I just say that your story is very compelling. You are an amazingly mature and compassionate man! I'm so impressed with how you process things at your age. She has a ton of emotional and physical baggage, and what sounds like an addiction problem on top of that. I'm not at all saying that she doesn't deserve your love and care, but YOU deserve the very best for yourself and I would question whether this relationship offers you that. You are clearly an exceptional person. Aim for the highest; it'll come back to you because you are obviously capable of giving it.

Kathryn

Thanks for the comments, everybody..I have been trying to give her space and time without being to caught up in it..But that is proving to be harder than I thought.

I am just not able to focus correctly..Find myself lacking at the things I was good at, and just 'mind wandering'.

It is kind of hard to keep in focus when I want to have a life together with her. It just isn't looking good though.

Got an email from her today (after about 3 weeks of not talking) saying that she doesn't know what to say anymore and that:

"Nothing makes sense to me Emilian.I don't think I'm going to get a grip on
reality anytime soon, my choice..."

I don't understand this whole "nothing makes sense anymore", nor the fact that apparently she STILL can't get a grip on reality.

Then she mentions that she wants to know how I am doing and what I am up to..and also that she'll understand if I don't reply to her..

Bah..I just don't get it.

Emil, she just apparently has too much on her plate right now to be able to offer you what you deserve in a healthy relationship. :(

You have done all you can do. When you are ready, the day will come when you will begin healing from the grief that you must feel right now. I'm so sorry that things are not working out better between you. It's really a shame for her, though, because you are one gem of a guy. :)

I hope you'll stick around and remain part of our family here.

I just wanted to add two things.

First of all, you have handle this situation amazingly well.... You seem like a great guy and very caring and mature.

Secondly, you mentioned her drinking. Take it from me.. if she is an alcoholic, this is typical behavior. There is no making sense out of it and if she is one, she can't make sense out of it either. It is a very self destructive disease, which I am sure you have witnessed in her behavior.

So my advice is to make your peace with the situation and continue to take good care of yourself.
God's blessings and serenity to you, dear heart.
Barbara

Hey it is been a long time since I've posted on here but I wanted to say what has transpired.

Since the post we've managed to keep in contact. This year she has finally moved out, and gottena place close to her sister. Still going through the messy period of departingf rom her old home, dealing with the ex etc.

Anyways, I wanted to do something a bit crazy and booked some tickets, hotel with a friend of mine for Edmonton (where she stays), in June. I told her about it in July or so. But she wasn't enchanted by the idea and told me that she was never really sure if she wanted me in her life "like that". I wanted to see if we could go past the whole phone stage, and the MSN Messenger and see if it could become something real.

To make a long story short I was there for 9 days, we've talked on the phone but she didn't want to meet (said shes too old, has kids etc.). My friend and I had a ton of fun there though..Went to clubs, the West Ed Mall, played some futbol (soccer) and hit up the casinos, the waterpark etc.

I missed my returning flight (even though I told the taxi driver to go fast, all the cars were speeding past him on the way to the airport lol..). Just got back last Sunday from there.

So I guess thats where it ends at least "couple" wise. I am pretty sure we'll keep in touch - but thats about it.

Just an update..thanks for the replies so far and the support.

Wow! I have never seen this post; its ancient! I commend you for how you handled all this. I am sorry it didn't work out the way it might have in your shared fantasy. It touched me in several ways; first because I am also a gamer and met my YM playing an online fantasy game (he is also a guild leader); secondly, because Hepatitis C is a life threatening illness and not only am I positive that it impacted on you, but I feel badly that someone you cared so much about is afflicted; but above all, because you were able to rise above the heartache and confusion in this experience and stay positive about it. Please stick around and share some more of your insights with us! :)

Wow I never saw this either... truly compelling... Emil you are a phenomenal guy. I was touched by your story and more than that by what a caring, sincere, mature guy you are...

One never knows what one is getting online... it is a mixed bag. We grow and change from every interaction and relationship we have, even the ones that don't work out the way we wanted them to initially.

Good luck to you in all you do. You are going to be someone's prince! I'm absolutely sure of it.

*big smile* *big hug*

Hi Emil,

I remember you. :) Am so sorry to hear though that nothing seems to have changed between the two of you. Seems strange that after so many years of conversing that she wasn't even willing to meet you in person. :confused:

Emil,

I think all may not have been as it seems with her. Perhaps she had lied to you about herself and could not face up to you as she knew her lies would come out. A friend of mine knows has a friend who had an online relationship with a guy from the US (she was from Australia). They thought they were soulmates. She had sent a photo of herself from 10 years earlier when she was a shapely size 12. They were planning a life together and her friends told her she must come clean with him about how she really looks now. She sent a recent photo of herself (now size 26) and she never heard from him again.

I'm not saying for sure that's what happened here but there are people who misrepresent themselves on the net. They may be married or look different or have different jobs than what they say. Others have no intention of meeting (for the above reasons) or because they like having this fantasy life with someone on the otherside of the world that brightens up their otherwise boring day (she must have been bored if she was spending 16 hours a day on a game... that does not leave any time to have an actual life).

Don't take it personally, the problem was with her, not you. Don't worry you will find love and it is more likely that you will find it close to home.

Possible Satya. I am with WR on this; I have a hard time understanding why after all that time and all the trouble he went to, she didn't at least meet him. Maybe he will come back and tell us more.

Finally checked in on this..Thanks for all the replies so far. I didn't expect there would be so many posts! :eek:

I don't think she has been hiding anything major in regards to her appearence. Sure, theres no way for me to be 100% sure on this since I haven't seen her in real life..but I didn't get the feeling, nor did I pick up on any hints along the way that would infer such a possibility.

As far as what we've talked on the phone she has told me that she is not the right type of woman for me because she is older, has two kids and has Hep C etc. She told me that her heart wants this to make it work, and that she has real feelings for me but that her mind is telling her that if she really loved me she would just run away from me (which I guess she just did if we didn't meet) and let me find a woman my own age.

Then the day before I left she told me to call her, and I did. She then proceeded to tell me that everything just might work between us etc. So I was hopeful.

But open getting there and just calling to see how she is, and what would be going on she just seemed cold. If I tried to talk on a more emotional level, she would simply clam up and say "I don't know what to say" and would try to excuse herself (ie. doing dishes or whatever else). When I pushed the issue a bit more she just hung up on me.

Anyways, she kept bringing up that we wouldn't work out because she is older, has two kids, and Hep C - and that again she wasn't the right woman for me. I told her that the best way for us to know if we were right for each other was to MEET and see how it goes. Especially since we never had problems with each other, get along great and seemed to enjoy each other.

The first night I invited her to a Pub in the downtown area (she lives on the south side of the city) - she refused saying that it was late (which was true, especially since she has a 10 year old daughter). So that was alright. But she also refused the other times when I invited her - so I am pretty sure the timing of the event wouldn't have mattered.

Anyways, my last call was on Saturday as I was packing up (I had to call her, she never actually called me back). She asked me if I had a good time - I replied by saying "yes I did" (which is the truth), but that I would have liked to meet her. After that she said "Well, I am sure we'll be talking with each other again". After that the customary "take care" and that was it.

I did miss my flight though, so staying in the airport for 14 hours wasn't fun (especially waking up at 4 am to go after the Delta rep...ARGH!)

So there you have it. Thanks for the compliments!:o I appreciate the support.

PS: Over these past few years I would have hoped that she could see BEYOND the fact that she is older and enjoy what we had instead of wondering WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF. I mean I've known that she is older, has two kids and Hep C..for a long time. If I wanted to run from that I would have done it. I am not sure why that point is hard for her to understand.

--------------
If we keep in touch that is great - but it will have to come out of her own pursuits. I have done my share of chasing her tail around for a long time.

Emil
As I was reading your post, I thought, what a pity that this woman denied herself out of a beautiful relationship just because of the age difference. I think it is so weird that she would not accept meeting you.
Have you ever seen her on cam? Could it be possible that she does not look like she is supposed to look?

I think that you are taking the wisest course letting her take the initiative this time, maybe she will realize what she has lost.