bunbun
07-29-2004, 09:29 PM
I rarely post to newsgroups and have never done so to get advice. But I am stumped. So I figured; go to the source ¡V people who live this and can lend there objective opinion from their experiences.
I am a 35 yr. old professional, university educated (yes, this is relevantƒº), very independent and attractive. I am having dating a wonderful man who is 55 yrs. old and the complete opposite from me in terms of status; he¡¦s a farmer, very hard-worker, doesn¡¦t have much, lives very simply and has a tight knit family and circle of friends in the community. And very rural-traditional (meaning somewhat gender/racially biased, likes the ¡¥old way¡¦ of doing things, etc.). We¡¦ve been together for a year and it¡¦s been TOUGH on both of us ¡V him for the change this relationship has introduced into his life and for me how hard it has been to manage his fears and insecurities and short-sighted perspective on our relationship.
Don¡¦t get me wrong, we have GREAT times together. I get along well with his family and they have welcomed me in and vice versa (my Dad, who has a similar in background, loves him). We enjoy the same things; dancing (we love dancing together!), going to see bands, country fairs, farm life, having dinner together, visiting family, etc. - nothing extraordinary. I used to travel and go out an awful lot and have lived a very full life and professional career but now I am winding down and have become more grounded to my home and the things that are more emotionally fulfilling. He has always been the way he is; he was divorced 23 years ago and hasn¡¦t had a really serious relationship since (marriage or live-in) ¡K
When we met 3 years ago, I thought he was amazing and still do. He struck me as a very independent and hard-working, very value based and ethical and hysterically funny man. He treated me so sweetly and was always polite and never did or said anything remotely flirtatious even though we were both aware of the attraction. I was very attracted to him but I was married at the time and after my marriage broke we started dating. Things became serious very fast and before I knew it I was so much in love with this man who was the exact anti-thesis of me on the surface but very much like me on the inside. And he was/is in love with me but is having a really hard time dealing with it.
For the first couple of months things were great but he had these bouts of insecurity that always came up over the same issue rooted in these recurring comments: I am so young, beautiful and have my whole life ahead of me and could have anyone I want, he is so old and has nothing to offer i.e. financial support, etc., I will change my mind someday, find someone younger, better suited to me ¡K so let¡¦s just break up now and get it over with. I would thank him someday for this.
My only defense or strategy was to remind him I am 35 not 19 and have lived a big life and know what I want and where I¡¦d like to be in the coming years, and that we are so comfortable, happy and compatible with each other ¡V and we could be ourselves with each other. I¡¦d throw in the numerous things about him that I love about him and that these attributes are not a dime a dozen, found everywhere ¡V the combination is rare and the intense attraction is rarer.
After a number of these incidents, I got it down to an art. He would settle down, fears at bay (for the time being) and life would return to bliss. He would tell me he is glad I am so strong and committed and to not give up on him. He is there but can¡¦t promise he won¡¦t retreat every now and again.
However, it¡¦s been a year and we had another one of these melt downs a few nights back and each time I feel closer to just backing out. But I don¡¦t. I really feel that he needs someone to ¡¥put up¡¦ with this garbage until it is no longer an issue. If the time in between wasn¡¦t so wonderful I guess I could and would. And if I hadn¡¦t made a commitment to help him work on this I suppose I could and would.
But I have to admit I feel pretty unsure of where we¡¦re headed when this comes up. I feel very insignificant; I give my all and he sees it everyday and appreciates it and then ¡K kaboom! Fear sets in. The other night it was: how can he live with himself knowing that 10-15 years from now I may be the caregiver and the rest of my life is wasted on him, that 10-15 years from now I¡¦m still going to want to go out and have fun and he may not be able to. I try to explain that when that time comes, we will cope with it.
When I am 50 I don¡¦t think we¡¦ll be that far apart in our interests and abilities and limitations. Cripes! We¡¦re not running marathons here! I see plenty of 70 yr. old men out there on the dance floor and it¡¦s not like we¡¦re out every night ¡V more like once a week if that. I think it¡¦ll work the way it does now; when I want to do something doesn¡¦t want to (for whatever reason) and vice versa, we do our own thing. I go do mine and he plays cards with the boys or has a few drinks with the hunt camp fellas.
I just believe if it means something to you, you find ways to make it work through compromise and communication and commitment. But I can¡¦t seem to ensure him that what I fee3l right now is not going to just disappear. If it does breakdown, there is a valid reason for that to happen but I don¡¦t believe we should avoid a beautiful relationship just because there¡¦s a chance it could fail.
I don¡¦t want to discount his fears and concerns but I also don¡¦t want to give them more attention than they deserve ¡V I don¡¦t want him to believe they are as big as he thinks they are. I think he is over analyzing everything. And it¡¦s making me crazy!!!
So I ask you all, please comment ¡K give me your thoughts and/or experiences with these types of concerns in older/younger relationships ¡K ƒº
P.S.: Sex has never been an issue; it took sometime and after he became comfortable with me and I with him, it has been absolute fireworks every time. ļ
I am a 35 yr. old professional, university educated (yes, this is relevantƒº), very independent and attractive. I am having dating a wonderful man who is 55 yrs. old and the complete opposite from me in terms of status; he¡¦s a farmer, very hard-worker, doesn¡¦t have much, lives very simply and has a tight knit family and circle of friends in the community. And very rural-traditional (meaning somewhat gender/racially biased, likes the ¡¥old way¡¦ of doing things, etc.). We¡¦ve been together for a year and it¡¦s been TOUGH on both of us ¡V him for the change this relationship has introduced into his life and for me how hard it has been to manage his fears and insecurities and short-sighted perspective on our relationship.
Don¡¦t get me wrong, we have GREAT times together. I get along well with his family and they have welcomed me in and vice versa (my Dad, who has a similar in background, loves him). We enjoy the same things; dancing (we love dancing together!), going to see bands, country fairs, farm life, having dinner together, visiting family, etc. - nothing extraordinary. I used to travel and go out an awful lot and have lived a very full life and professional career but now I am winding down and have become more grounded to my home and the things that are more emotionally fulfilling. He has always been the way he is; he was divorced 23 years ago and hasn¡¦t had a really serious relationship since (marriage or live-in) ¡K
When we met 3 years ago, I thought he was amazing and still do. He struck me as a very independent and hard-working, very value based and ethical and hysterically funny man. He treated me so sweetly and was always polite and never did or said anything remotely flirtatious even though we were both aware of the attraction. I was very attracted to him but I was married at the time and after my marriage broke we started dating. Things became serious very fast and before I knew it I was so much in love with this man who was the exact anti-thesis of me on the surface but very much like me on the inside. And he was/is in love with me but is having a really hard time dealing with it.
For the first couple of months things were great but he had these bouts of insecurity that always came up over the same issue rooted in these recurring comments: I am so young, beautiful and have my whole life ahead of me and could have anyone I want, he is so old and has nothing to offer i.e. financial support, etc., I will change my mind someday, find someone younger, better suited to me ¡K so let¡¦s just break up now and get it over with. I would thank him someday for this.
My only defense or strategy was to remind him I am 35 not 19 and have lived a big life and know what I want and where I¡¦d like to be in the coming years, and that we are so comfortable, happy and compatible with each other ¡V and we could be ourselves with each other. I¡¦d throw in the numerous things about him that I love about him and that these attributes are not a dime a dozen, found everywhere ¡V the combination is rare and the intense attraction is rarer.
After a number of these incidents, I got it down to an art. He would settle down, fears at bay (for the time being) and life would return to bliss. He would tell me he is glad I am so strong and committed and to not give up on him. He is there but can¡¦t promise he won¡¦t retreat every now and again.
However, it¡¦s been a year and we had another one of these melt downs a few nights back and each time I feel closer to just backing out. But I don¡¦t. I really feel that he needs someone to ¡¥put up¡¦ with this garbage until it is no longer an issue. If the time in between wasn¡¦t so wonderful I guess I could and would. And if I hadn¡¦t made a commitment to help him work on this I suppose I could and would.
But I have to admit I feel pretty unsure of where we¡¦re headed when this comes up. I feel very insignificant; I give my all and he sees it everyday and appreciates it and then ¡K kaboom! Fear sets in. The other night it was: how can he live with himself knowing that 10-15 years from now I may be the caregiver and the rest of my life is wasted on him, that 10-15 years from now I¡¦m still going to want to go out and have fun and he may not be able to. I try to explain that when that time comes, we will cope with it.
When I am 50 I don¡¦t think we¡¦ll be that far apart in our interests and abilities and limitations. Cripes! We¡¦re not running marathons here! I see plenty of 70 yr. old men out there on the dance floor and it¡¦s not like we¡¦re out every night ¡V more like once a week if that. I think it¡¦ll work the way it does now; when I want to do something doesn¡¦t want to (for whatever reason) and vice versa, we do our own thing. I go do mine and he plays cards with the boys or has a few drinks with the hunt camp fellas.
I just believe if it means something to you, you find ways to make it work through compromise and communication and commitment. But I can¡¦t seem to ensure him that what I fee3l right now is not going to just disappear. If it does breakdown, there is a valid reason for that to happen but I don¡¦t believe we should avoid a beautiful relationship just because there¡¦s a chance it could fail.
I don¡¦t want to discount his fears and concerns but I also don¡¦t want to give them more attention than they deserve ¡V I don¡¦t want him to believe they are as big as he thinks they are. I think he is over analyzing everything. And it¡¦s making me crazy!!!
So I ask you all, please comment ¡K give me your thoughts and/or experiences with these types of concerns in older/younger relationships ¡K ƒº
P.S.: Sex has never been an issue; it took sometime and after he became comfortable with me and I with him, it has been absolute fireworks every time. ļ