Breakup - advice please?

Hello, I haven’t been here in a while.

I’ve been seeing my OM for a year, he 57 me 32, but broke up last week. Initially we had a lot of fun together but it hasn’t been fun lately. The past six months I’ve lost my sex drive, we still have sex but its not often enough for him. I have depression and have been stressed about a work issue, which he knows. We also have a lot of relationship issues as its long distance, we only see each other at weekends so there’s a lot of pressure for it to be fun. He wants to move back to Australia at some point, which I’m not ready for. He wants me to move in with him which would mean giving up my life as I know it, but I would need a lot of support to do that. I want my life to move on but our relationship has just been drifting.

Several times he’s expressed his disappointment at our sex life but he’s also asked me twice if I’m cheating which I’m not.

So he’s just come back from holiday and I was feeling anxious about another possible argument. I just couldn’t be near him so I called it off. He immediately told me he met someone on holiday who he intends to contact. She’s just 1 year older than me, and in his words “is much more interested in me than you”.

He said he wasn’t upset because he is “more mature and in control of his feelings”.

We talked the next day and he admitted he has grieved the relationship over the past six months, he says he has expected me to call and cancel for months. I can’t help feeling that this would have affected the relationship. He says he lived in the moment, but guys can disconnect sex from emotion and I can’t.

He also says he has always been open to it working out, but this just doesn’t make sense to me. How can he be open to it if he grieved it?

I want to contact him but keep telling myself to move on. I’m not willing to discuss or work on our relationship if he intends seeing someone else, I just won’t put up with that.

Should I ask him to talk and work it out, or move on?

Being "open to it working out" doesn't cut it. All that means is that he was hoping you'd put in enough effort to keep the relationship going by yourself. Apparently he preferred to feel sorry for himself rather than actually do something to help keep it together. I think your feelings are right about this and I'd certainly move on.

I'm sorry it worked out this way, but it's really better to find out now than later.

Yep. Eff it. Stick a fork in it, it's DONE.

Anyone who's a little punk *** ****** enough to say "well I found someone who likes me MORE than you do" you should seriously just laugh him out the door. How much does that say he really cares about you, if on his glorious holiday he was getting contact information from someone else? What WAS he sticking around for, the occasional lay until you finally read the writing on the wall out loud to him?

I picture a loud, braying donkey. That's him.

I like the braying donkey image, that works for me.

I've been thinking i could contact him to say we could meet up to talk provided he assured me he is committed to our relationship and not pursuing another woman - but it already sounds to me like he is so I don't feel inclined to ask him to commit to that.

Frankly I would have expected this behaviour from a 15-year old, not someone in their fifties.

When he said that he had met someone else I sat and cried for over an hour (in the restaurant) while he ate his food. I told him it was insensitive and unnecessary to say at that point in time. He refused to apologise because he said he couldn't have predicted how I would react and because there just isn't a right time to say something like that. He said it was a case of it was ok for me to reject him but not the other way round. However, he said he was ok and fine, so how was i supposed to take his rejected feelings into account? Wish him good luck with his new bird?

When I tried to leave he said I was running away. He also said he thought I wasn't ready for committment. The sex thing he said was down to my "control issues". I just feel he was trying to make everything my fault, so I don't even feel like talking to him now, I'm just angry.

I'm still learning about relationships but I do know that committment means not having an escape plan.

I know it sounds like he is a dog doo but even when we parted he said he is still open to it working out and he still loves me. We haven't spoken in over a week now. I'm still grieving but eventually I'll be ready to move on.

Yeah, a big pile of dog doo if you ask me.
I say go ahead and grieve...and when you are ready to move on, move on. But don't look back.

He's hitting on other women!
He obviously doesn't care about your feelings if he continues to eat while you cry!
Uh, this man has me angry....I could only imagine what you are going through.

I wish I had words of wisdom that are different than those already stated, but sounds like you're in good hands already. Be good to yourself!

~EM