New YW with OM 31yr difference ADVICE!!!

I am used to dating men who are 5-9 years my senior, but falling in love with my very OM (me 33 he 63) was quite unexpected. Everyday brings the two of us closer and closer together. The only problem he has is the age difference. He feels that he can not give me enough years. We both have children. He has a few from a prior marrage who are my age and one who is under 13 and the same age as my child (they are both friends). We were friends first and socialized in the same group. I love this man and want to be able to let him know that even though I did not expect this, I can not do without it. Please any advice would be great. Will I spend the next 20 years trying to convince him that it does not bother me? We are spending the weekend with the kids and would like to know how to make him feel better and a part of my life I want to keep. I want to squash this age issue now. and...as a side note he is the BEST dancer! :D

Welcome melar,

Well, first of all congrats on your new love. It's a great feeling. Sadly (and this is from my own experience) I can't say that he would ever change his mind. He may...but he may not. My ex and I broke up because he couldn't get over the 17 year age difference. He swore that I'd want kids, that I'd leave him for someone my own age and that he'd day years and years before me and I'd be left all alone.


I would constantly explain to him that I didn't care. That I would always be there to take care of him, htat I'd rather have 10 years than no years, that I loved him no matter what anyone thought. In the long run, it came down to how he felt...and he felt that he couldn't deal with it.

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but I can only offer the insight I know...I hope others will speak out too. Best of luck!

~Em

On a side note:

Men bring up these issues they have with the age gap because they are looking out for your best interest....you know what I say to that...I say I'm all grown up now...I can make my own choices!

Thank you for the honest insight. I hope I can make him understand that it makes no difference to me if he was 150 years older! I just do not want it to always be the topic of conversation.

In the early stages of my relationship w/ my ex OM there was hardly ever talk of the age gap...but then as true feelings developed....he became obsessed with the age. We'd be talking about anything and out of no where he'd give me this look. And I knew that look oh so well. It was the look of "she's great, but she's too young, how's this going to work." I'd call him on it. I made the mistake of ignoring it...I shouldn't have, I should have dealt with it. I hope all works out for you though!

~EM

Hi! Am new to this forum. My husband is 26 years older than me (I am 45). We have a 5 year old son and a terrific marriage!
I lived with him for 2 years before we married and the age difference issue kept coming up too (from him!) I had always vowed I would never live with a man and also didn't expect to fall so deeply in love with someone so much older! But life throws you curveballs when you least expect it. I lived with him because I had fallen so deeply in love I didn't want to live without him. We too started out as just friends (golf buddies as a matter of fact).
Before I knew it I was head over heals in love and after 12 years, still am :) He is truly the love of my life and it just grows deeper and more intimate every day. As to your question about getting married....I don't think you can "make" someone marry you. My husband used to constantly fear that I was going to "get tired" of him and find someone younger. Men on the whole, no matter what their age can be very insecure when it comes to love. I reassured him not only with my words but with my actions as well and finally one Christmas eve he proposed. It was one of the happiest days of my life. He still had nagging doubts about what his children and others would think. (he has a son 1 year older than me and 2 other sons a few years younger). I am now especially close to his son that is older than me as he know how much I adore his Dad and always comments on how happy his Dad is. Marrying him was the best decision I ever made. The age issue still comes up at times as he makes comments like "it's because I'm old, especially when he feels frustatrated. He knows these comments infuriate me! Most of the time it has nothing to do with his age , but more his impatience ! I gently remiind him that he'd feel the same if still in his forties. As for the times someone assumes his is our son's grandpa, he has handled this with humor and grace! He adores our 5 year as I do and thinks the sun rises and sets in him! He tells me he is so proud to be his father and proud to tell people... no I am NOT his grandfather , I am his FATHER! If I have any worries at all it will be my son's reaction to his daddy's age as he gets older. Right now at 5, he could care less about his dad's age....he absolutely adores his daddy! We are in a good financial position however as we both are home with our son every day. My husband does some freelance consulting but only occasionally and we moved to a smaller house as I quit my job when our son was 2 so I could be full-time mommy! Blessings to you and the love of YOUR life...praying that he will overcome his insecurties and propose!

welcome both of you to Ageless.....

Marianne that was beautiful what a great story!!!

All I can say is Listen To Em... she's great with this....and a wonderful and caring woman... ;)

I Nver had this issue.. My husband is 46 and i'm 29 17 year difference I have a 4 week old son now with him and I used to ask my hubby all the time does my age bother you what do you think.. he said I didn't marry you for your age I love you.....

Maybe see if your OM will come here we can talk to him for you..... Just reassure him.. and be stern say listen I know my feelings.. I love you.. Your age means NOTHING.. please believe me.. I can't force you but I wish you would just trust me and know this
Good luck
Let us know

As bobmarbj said, you can't "make" anyone do anything. Either he will come to accept the age gap or he won't. And if he doesn't, you can only do what EMCAD80 has done - move on. In the meantime, show him you love him through words and actions and hope he finds his way to you.

In my case, I was the one who needed to "come to terms" with the 26 year gap between my husband (58) and me (32). It took me over 3 1/2 years! He just loved me and gave me the space I needed to figure it all out. In the end, I realized what a precious gift I was being given (i.e. to be loved by him and in love with him) and I chose to go with it. I've never regretted that decision and we are truly living "happily ever after." I wish you the best of luck.

You've peaked my interest melar...I hope you have an update for us soon.

Thanks girls for saying such awesome things about me...love you guys.

And finally a big warm welcome to bobmarbj...thanks for sharing!

You all had such wonderful and helpful thing for me to digest! Update is we are still doing very well and very happy. We had the "Talk" and found that he is afraid of me leaving him so I guess at any age you feel insecure when you are so vulnerable at love. Our friends are begining to see that our relationship is not just a summer romance and have become more accepting. And the ones who do not know me and only assume I am a gold digger, well they do not know me. I am so very happy and hope that I can wake up every day thanking God for my blessing! As I know, dating an older man brings different issues and I am embarking on my new issue! So again, I am seeking your support. We have been talking about the future and blending our families. I have children 3 and he has 1 who has been used to being the center of daddy's world. She is a very great kid who is so very special. She has told her father that she is affraid that he is going to give all the attention to me and the boys (she did not include my daughter as they are friends). How can I make her feel special? She deserves not to think for a moment that she is not first in her father's heart. I want to be able to help her feel secure and help my kids feel secure at the same time. Although my kids think it is great having another to play with, they are not in the "only child" category and can not grasp her feelings. This is how I put his daughter into the only child category even though she has much older siblings, she is the only child in the household and has been since she was born. Any advice would be great.

Hey Mel, so happy to hear your update! I can relate to two things you talked about: 1) his fear of you leaving him...my hubby was insecure about that for a few years as well. He kept asking "what I saw in this older guy" and actually told me he was afraid i would "get tired of him and look for a younger guy". I just kept gently reassuring him and it's not as much of an issue except when we argue and then it ALWAYS comes up. His first angry response is always.."I guess you just want to be with someone younger!" How unfair in our arguments....I always call him on it! Secondly you mentioned the "gold digger" thing....
I worried about that too, although my husband was NOT wealthy.
But I even went so far as to return an enormous engagement ring for a very very small solitaire diamond just so people wouldn't think I was a gold digger by seeing this enormous "rock" on my finger :) I realize now how silly it was , but I love my engagement ring and band and am really not into flashy pieces anyway. I have relaxed about the golddigger thing.... people who know and see us know how much in love we are.
I am so happy for you with the love of your life. As far as his daughter....I would just keep reassuring her as well. They probably need to spend some "special time" just the two of them at least monthly but maybe more often.

Hey, oh, your posting has helped me so much. I'm 28 and have tentatively taken first steps towards a relationship with a 59 year old guy. I'm the first woman he's looked at in a sexual nature since he lost his wife and at first, i really wasn't sure at first whether we would actually be OK. I know its very early days for us, he keeps bringing up matters that could eventually be an issue if we let them be (i.e. he has a 49 year old stepson, his nieces are all over 35, he's older than my parents, what if i wanted children, would he be able to keep up with me etc), but i assure him that these are things that we do need to discuss and we will because there is trust. We keep taking little glances at each other and laughing, wondering what on earth we see in each other, yes, we have worked that one out!, but, so far, we make each other happy and we're both keeping fingers crossed that this will work.

I am so glad to meet likeminded people who seem so friendly. So good to be here.

Originally posted by bobmarbj
He kept asking "what I saw in this older guy" and actually told me he was afraid i would "get tired of him and look for a younger guy".

I think our men are reading out of the same manual! I have heard this verbatum!

Again thank you for the inspiring stories. I am so very thankful for this means of communicating with others who are in or have been in the same situations.

I wish eveyone the best and do not give up on love just because of a silly thing such as age! ;)

Keep the great advice and encouragement coming! We all need it every now and then, just like our men.

Hi melar112!!!


your OM is overwhemled the fact that this relationship is getting deeper than usual, So the best thing that yall need to do is Pray about this & ask for God's advice he knows us better than we do;)
Besides the age difference isnt the deal now days; its commitment. Good Luck & everything will work out.

________________________________
I am his. and he is mine, as he feeds his sheep among the lilies.-( Songs of Songs 6:3) Remember that:)

Originally posted by Jewel83
Hi melar112!!!


your OM is overwhemled the fact that this relationship is getting deeper than usual, So the best thing that yall need to do is Pray about this & ask for God's advice he knows us better than we do;)
Besides the age difference isnt the deal now days; its commitment. Good Luck & everything will work out.

I couldn't agree with you more Jewel.
First of all...thanks for all the updates!
Second, my ex OM was quite the ladies man before we met and started dating. He went through a terrible divorce and it still lingers.... it's very hard for him - years later. So I think he started feeling strong feelings for me, got scared because he knew that I would have committed 1,000% and he just didn't know how to handle it. Good insite Jewel!

Any updates?

Originally posted by EMCAD80
I couldn't agree with you more Jewel.
First of all...thanks for all the updates!
Second, my ex OM was quite the ladies man before we met and started dating. He went through a terrible divorce and it still lingers.... it's very hard for him - years later. So I think he started feeling strong feelings for me, got scared because he knew that I would have committed 1,000% and he just didn't know how to handle it. Good insite Jewel!

Any updates?

gurl God says, Never lean to your own understanding; Always lean to his understanding. What that means is allow God to fight your battles & not you! See we tend to fight our own battles & we end up falling so we have to trust & believe in the Lord , EMCAD80! remember that!:)

Gurl thanks for listening because people need to know the real deal on these relationships. Need anyhting just ask:)

My Om is 22 years older and goes through the same thing. It seems to be getting better, though. He's beginning to understand that good men are hard to find. And that within him I have found a good man. And I refuse to give that up! I told him that I am not a child, I've lived a little, I know myself well and am capable of making my own decisions. He's not stealing away my youth. He actually makes me feel younger. He looks younger now than the day I met him because he's finally happy. Fortunately, despite his, now ocassional, rantings, he's not willing to give us up either.

I think if you continue to reassure him he will eventually accept. If not, then it would be difficult to be happy with him, anyway. It would always get in the way and make you crazy. Best of luck to you. Like you, my relationship is still fairly new - only 7 months - and I [still sometimes] worry about it's longevity, not because of his age, but because of how he feels about it.

hi barbara!

Im glad that you & your loved one are still hanging on, beleive me, it gets hard at times, but if God is for who can be aganist you? Seethis man cares enough for you as you do for him Keep eachother in prayers ask God for advice, & he'll direct your paths. Bye!:)

Originally posted by bobmarbj ~ My husband used to constantly fear that I was going to "get tired" of him and find someone younger.

What do they have the same brains, that is exactly what my boyfriend says to me all the time!!!!! Exactly, "Are you going to get tired of me?" That is hysterical. He too thinks that one day I am going to leave him for a younger man. I think that eventually they are going to have to take the age gap or leave it.

Sorry I did not get to you before the weekend, however, I still hope that the week end went well for you.
I do hope the following will be of some interest.
Not going to tell you how old I am but certainly older then your boyfriend. Tell him from me, he does not know how lucky he is.
I was and still am in love with a very much younger woman. For a number if reasons I have had to give up any romantic notions. No, not because of age. It would not have mattered one iota. The age gap made no difference. In many cases, the age gap made it a very much more loving expereince. I am sure one does not have to spell out the reasons.
I get the impression that his main concern is the thought of leavaing you behind for a very long time after he departs this earth.
We are on this earth to make the lives of the people we meet that much richer for our presence. He is making your life richer for his presence then I canmot see why he is reluctant. As a previous writer has said, surely 10 years of wonderful love is better than nothing. That writer is correct. I only wish that I could be adding my name to that list of OMYM.
If age is his ony reason for doubt, then he should forget it.
Let me wish you the very best of luck

My husband who is 29 years older than me was so afraid of the age gap between us when we were dating. But now that we are married he doesn't care about it anymore. He's 59 I am 30 we are planning to have a family soon. Remember! in an age gap relationship it is almost always the younger party that pushes harder than the older party. Try to convince your OM I truly believe he will over come his fear and doubts when he sees you really mean what you say. That's how I win my husbands love.

Wow - you guys have me and my wife beat for sure! My wife and I have a 22 year age gap, and we have some issues to deal with too. She is 20, and I am 42. Neither of us were married before, nor had children.

My suggestion is for him not to worry about how many years he thinks he has left...enjoy what he has and be thankful! :D