whiterose
08-03-2004, 06:24 PM
Time to introduce another ageless member who is very familiar with all the trials and tribulations of an LDR. She and her boyfriend have successfully moved from an LDR to living together. I am happy to introduce GoldieCat. Here’s what she had to say….
Whiterose: I understand that your current boyfriend and you originally were involved in a long-distance relationship. How long were you involved long-distance before you moved closer to each other?
GoldieCat: From first on-line contact to his moving to my city: 9 months.
Whiterose: How did you first meet?
GoldieCat: We were both members of a website of mutual interest, and the main factor that prompted my man to write to me (besides other factors that hinted we might get along) was that I had mentioned that I played a type of online game that he had also played for years, although the sites where we played those games were different.
(I think, first off, that success in any relationship, no matter how it
starts, is based on a host of Mutual Interests.
Whiterose: What is the age difference between the two of you?
GoldieCat: I am 13 years older than he.
Whiterose: When you first met, how far apart did you two live from each other?
GoldieCat: About 800 miles.
Whiterose: If you met online, how long did you two talk before deciding to meet in person?
GoldieCat: We both began seriously thinking about meeting after about 2 months of communicating rather intensely (we would write tons of huge e-mails back and forth) - well, maybe he thought about it sooner than that. We didn't talk on the phone until maybe a month or two after that sense that we should meet, though.
Whiterose: Before you moved in together, what methods did you use to keep in touch with each other when you couldn’t be together? And, how often?
GoldieCat: As those large e-mails took time to compose (and they were lots of fun for us...we both like writing), we generally sent an average of 1-3 big messages a day. That was fine for us all the way through the LDR (and we -still- communicate throughout the day with e-mail between our separate workplaces). When we got to the phone stage, we talked every weekend without fail. One or the other of us would bring it up and make a sort of "appointment" for that, and so it was.
This amount of communication was perfect for us, but many couples need "more" in terms of frequency or they prefer the phone over e-mail, or they like webcams, or play games together online and the like. We were very easygoing about the whole thing, there was no insecurity on either part, and it was just the right amount of being in touch for both of us.
Oh, yes, well - I did have my sweetie become a member of my online game and we'd occasionally join up there as well. That was in fact where I first experienced how romantic he really can be. Now...in this game, players can marry. I proposed to him rather soon, surprising him...and he accepted. We hadn't met in person yet, but I already knew it was the right thing to do.
Whiterose: How often did you get to see each other in person when you were involved long-distance? How long did your visits typically last?
GoldieCat: We were able to visit with each other every month after we began to meet. (We didn't meet in person until 5 months after first contact, which is unusual I suppose in a LDR that's working - but one factor was simply the season, we wanted to wait until the weather was warmer. It wasn't! Oh well. Most visits were him coming to my town, but I also went out to see him and his friends and family.
Our visits ranged around a weekish or so each time, more or less. Delicious!
Whiterose: What kinds of things did you and your partner do to help cope with the distance when you could not be together?
GoldieCat: Hmm...I guess we wrote a lot. :) We sure missed each other in between visits, but since we always knew when the next one would be (sometimes we'd even plan 2 visits ahead), it wasn't that painful for us. It's got to be much harder when people are further away than we were or can't afford more frequent visits, or plans aren't easier to make. If possible, I recommend having future visits planned to the point where
you know there's an end in sight to the missing of the honey.
[b]Whiterose[b]: When you were apart, how did your partner demonstrate to you that he was as committed to your LDR as you were?
GoldieCat: Hmm, well - he always, always wrote back as soon as possible, -and- he truly responded to everything I said. (When in an e-mailing situation, it has always been a major peeve of mine when guys don't respond to what was said and just go off conversing in other directions - if they bother to converse much at all...) My honey planned visits ahead as enthusiastically as I did, and when we had phone plans he ALWAYS was there when he said he would be. The main thing, as you might guess, was his proven reliability - coupled with the fact that I always felt I was a priority. He knew instinctively how to create that security, there were no "games" around having me ever feel that I took second place to anything. (Hey Katrina, thanks for giving me this opportunity to remember just how awesome a guy I really have.
Whiterose: Tell me about the circumstances that led up to your decision to move in together. Which one of you had to do the moving? Or was it both of you? And, how long altogether was your relationship considered long-distance?
GoldieCat: Heheh, well...to begin with, we were so compatible that we joked about moving in together while having our very first in-person meeting. :eek: Two weeks later, one of my then roommates announced she'd be moving out...so that was a sign to us that we could go right ahead. :D It felt completely right that he would do the moving, as he had been
feeling an urge to get out of town and explore other places. His move over wasn't complete for some months, but that was fine, it worked out well enough. (Eventually though, circumstances led us to move again, as a couple, back to his home state - but to a city new to both of us.
And in case anyone is wondering, we've now been happily living together almost a year.)
I guess in our case it's hard to judge when exactly the "R" part of the LDR began...if you count from first contact to move, that's 9 months. If you count from "we should DEFINITELY meet" to move, it's more like 7 months. If you count from first in-person (long-weekend-OMG-so-much-fun meet to move, then it's more like 4 months. I suppose it's just one of those things that has felt so right all along, it was just a matter of happening not to live close to each other and simply needing a small amount of time to adjust that.
In other words, for us it was all about the "R" and the "LD" was
really rather incidental. Therefore we didn't agonize much over the
"LD" aspect. I don't know what our readers will take from that.
Hopefully I've been able to shed light on some underlying structural factors that give a LDR a good prognosis. My assumption is that a "successful" LDR is one that becomes a good face-to-face one fairly quickly (though I'm sure by many standards ours moved...VERY quickly.
Whiterose: What kind of challenges did you face when transitioning from a long-distance relationship to a face to face relationship?
GoldieCat: Ah, yes. Well, Science Goddess posted a thread about "instant intimacy" and there was a bit of that - being suddenly at close quarters with someone one was learning about, all at once - but I consider(ed) that rather fun. Again, we are so very compatible that we have that luxury, and some may not.
The biggest challenges, though, were related to the economy of my former region. Neither one of us was having a lot of economic success there. My honey voluntarily gave up a cushy, long-term high paying job to be with me. Unfortunately my city wasn't as good to us, and eventually we left in frustration to find more abundance elsewhere. And we have. Although we did not argue about money (and now such a thing would be even more unthinkable), the general feeling of frustration and financial limitation at the time didn't allow us to live as freely as we normally would. That...umm...sucked. The only thing this really has to do with the transition from LDR to face to face is, every couple has to negotiate financial arrangements and it really helps any couple, of any kind, to have a certain level of economic abundance. Because things go from dealing with hardly any
practical everyday matters together to (in sudden live-in situations) dealing with 'em all at once.
Other than that, I'm trying to think of the types of things such a
transition might be challenged by. His friends and family are
COMPLETELY accepting of me, and the only discomfort from people on my side comes from my mother and one sister (my mom is very traditional in attitude and my sisters follow her in that). The only thing -this- has to do with the transition is that we grew our relationship blissfully free of opinions about it other than our own for several months. So, any stress from public disapproval had no way of upsetting things as they developed. Not that -we- would ever let it bother us anyway, both of us have always been non-conventional - but for some people, that is something to consider.
(cont'd on part II)
Whiterose: I understand that your current boyfriend and you originally were involved in a long-distance relationship. How long were you involved long-distance before you moved closer to each other?
GoldieCat: From first on-line contact to his moving to my city: 9 months.
Whiterose: How did you first meet?
GoldieCat: We were both members of a website of mutual interest, and the main factor that prompted my man to write to me (besides other factors that hinted we might get along) was that I had mentioned that I played a type of online game that he had also played for years, although the sites where we played those games were different.
(I think, first off, that success in any relationship, no matter how it
starts, is based on a host of Mutual Interests.
Whiterose: What is the age difference between the two of you?
GoldieCat: I am 13 years older than he.
Whiterose: When you first met, how far apart did you two live from each other?
GoldieCat: About 800 miles.
Whiterose: If you met online, how long did you two talk before deciding to meet in person?
GoldieCat: We both began seriously thinking about meeting after about 2 months of communicating rather intensely (we would write tons of huge e-mails back and forth) - well, maybe he thought about it sooner than that. We didn't talk on the phone until maybe a month or two after that sense that we should meet, though.
Whiterose: Before you moved in together, what methods did you use to keep in touch with each other when you couldn’t be together? And, how often?
GoldieCat: As those large e-mails took time to compose (and they were lots of fun for us...we both like writing), we generally sent an average of 1-3 big messages a day. That was fine for us all the way through the LDR (and we -still- communicate throughout the day with e-mail between our separate workplaces). When we got to the phone stage, we talked every weekend without fail. One or the other of us would bring it up and make a sort of "appointment" for that, and so it was.
This amount of communication was perfect for us, but many couples need "more" in terms of frequency or they prefer the phone over e-mail, or they like webcams, or play games together online and the like. We were very easygoing about the whole thing, there was no insecurity on either part, and it was just the right amount of being in touch for both of us.
Oh, yes, well - I did have my sweetie become a member of my online game and we'd occasionally join up there as well. That was in fact where I first experienced how romantic he really can be. Now...in this game, players can marry. I proposed to him rather soon, surprising him...and he accepted. We hadn't met in person yet, but I already knew it was the right thing to do.
Whiterose: How often did you get to see each other in person when you were involved long-distance? How long did your visits typically last?
GoldieCat: We were able to visit with each other every month after we began to meet. (We didn't meet in person until 5 months after first contact, which is unusual I suppose in a LDR that's working - but one factor was simply the season, we wanted to wait until the weather was warmer. It wasn't! Oh well. Most visits were him coming to my town, but I also went out to see him and his friends and family.
Our visits ranged around a weekish or so each time, more or less. Delicious!
Whiterose: What kinds of things did you and your partner do to help cope with the distance when you could not be together?
GoldieCat: Hmm...I guess we wrote a lot. :) We sure missed each other in between visits, but since we always knew when the next one would be (sometimes we'd even plan 2 visits ahead), it wasn't that painful for us. It's got to be much harder when people are further away than we were or can't afford more frequent visits, or plans aren't easier to make. If possible, I recommend having future visits planned to the point where
you know there's an end in sight to the missing of the honey.
[b]Whiterose[b]: When you were apart, how did your partner demonstrate to you that he was as committed to your LDR as you were?
GoldieCat: Hmm, well - he always, always wrote back as soon as possible, -and- he truly responded to everything I said. (When in an e-mailing situation, it has always been a major peeve of mine when guys don't respond to what was said and just go off conversing in other directions - if they bother to converse much at all...) My honey planned visits ahead as enthusiastically as I did, and when we had phone plans he ALWAYS was there when he said he would be. The main thing, as you might guess, was his proven reliability - coupled with the fact that I always felt I was a priority. He knew instinctively how to create that security, there were no "games" around having me ever feel that I took second place to anything. (Hey Katrina, thanks for giving me this opportunity to remember just how awesome a guy I really have.
Whiterose: Tell me about the circumstances that led up to your decision to move in together. Which one of you had to do the moving? Or was it both of you? And, how long altogether was your relationship considered long-distance?
GoldieCat: Heheh, well...to begin with, we were so compatible that we joked about moving in together while having our very first in-person meeting. :eek: Two weeks later, one of my then roommates announced she'd be moving out...so that was a sign to us that we could go right ahead. :D It felt completely right that he would do the moving, as he had been
feeling an urge to get out of town and explore other places. His move over wasn't complete for some months, but that was fine, it worked out well enough. (Eventually though, circumstances led us to move again, as a couple, back to his home state - but to a city new to both of us.
And in case anyone is wondering, we've now been happily living together almost a year.)
I guess in our case it's hard to judge when exactly the "R" part of the LDR began...if you count from first contact to move, that's 9 months. If you count from "we should DEFINITELY meet" to move, it's more like 7 months. If you count from first in-person (long-weekend-OMG-so-much-fun meet to move, then it's more like 4 months. I suppose it's just one of those things that has felt so right all along, it was just a matter of happening not to live close to each other and simply needing a small amount of time to adjust that.
In other words, for us it was all about the "R" and the "LD" was
really rather incidental. Therefore we didn't agonize much over the
"LD" aspect. I don't know what our readers will take from that.
Hopefully I've been able to shed light on some underlying structural factors that give a LDR a good prognosis. My assumption is that a "successful" LDR is one that becomes a good face-to-face one fairly quickly (though I'm sure by many standards ours moved...VERY quickly.
Whiterose: What kind of challenges did you face when transitioning from a long-distance relationship to a face to face relationship?
GoldieCat: Ah, yes. Well, Science Goddess posted a thread about "instant intimacy" and there was a bit of that - being suddenly at close quarters with someone one was learning about, all at once - but I consider(ed) that rather fun. Again, we are so very compatible that we have that luxury, and some may not.
The biggest challenges, though, were related to the economy of my former region. Neither one of us was having a lot of economic success there. My honey voluntarily gave up a cushy, long-term high paying job to be with me. Unfortunately my city wasn't as good to us, and eventually we left in frustration to find more abundance elsewhere. And we have. Although we did not argue about money (and now such a thing would be even more unthinkable), the general feeling of frustration and financial limitation at the time didn't allow us to live as freely as we normally would. That...umm...sucked. The only thing this really has to do with the transition from LDR to face to face is, every couple has to negotiate financial arrangements and it really helps any couple, of any kind, to have a certain level of economic abundance. Because things go from dealing with hardly any
practical everyday matters together to (in sudden live-in situations) dealing with 'em all at once.
Other than that, I'm trying to think of the types of things such a
transition might be challenged by. His friends and family are
COMPLETELY accepting of me, and the only discomfort from people on my side comes from my mother and one sister (my mom is very traditional in attitude and my sisters follow her in that). The only thing -this- has to do with the transition is that we grew our relationship blissfully free of opinions about it other than our own for several months. So, any stress from public disapproval had no way of upsetting things as they developed. Not that -we- would ever let it bother us anyway, both of us have always been non-conventional - but for some people, that is something to consider.
(cont'd on part II)