whiterose
08-03-2004, 06:26 PM
(continued from part I)
Whiterose: How does this relationship compare to others you have had that started with someone who lived closer to you? For example, please describe the similarities and the differences.
GoldieCat: I could write a lot about this - but I will try to highlight some main points. I would say first of all that this relationship hasn't a lot of similarity to others I've had, in the sense that I'm not perpetually frustrated with how my man does or doesn't relate to me or to our shared living environment. What a BLESSING. I did a good deal of work, before he appeared on the scene, focusing on the kinds of things I wanted (and didn't want) in a man, and aimed to hold out until I got it.
In the past, I've dealt with guys who said one thing and did another (or were all talk and no action), were bad with finances, insisted on having things their way, were more interested in winning a fight than having things work for us, I don't know...I guess the baskets you could put some in might be labeled "selfish," "controlling," or "immature" to the point of just not being ready for a good relationship no matter what their age. Not to say they didn't have their good points - my problem was that I did see their good points and felt that the other things we could work through. This time I chose with eyes wide open,
and made sure to Find Out and assess as much as I could before making a commitment. HIGHLY recommended!!
There are two related things people often mention as differences
between starting as an LDR and starting face to face: one, it doesn't tend to begin as a "purely" physical attraction, so there is ample opportunity to build a connection based on the essence of who a person is rather than his looks (although I completely believe in being ALSO attracted to a person physically. It just so happens that my honey turned out to be HOT! :D)
The other thing is, -because- you are mainly communicating verbally rather than physically, you have the chance to discuss things in a LOT of depth and really get to know a lot about each other, which is essential for making a good decision about someone. And you get a sense of a potential partner's reliability and interest, since a LDR is something people have to quite -actively- participate in in order to have it go anywhere. Now...there -are- con artists out there, some of them even somewhat unintentional, so you do have to have a good awareness to separate them from guys who are worth the trouble, and at the same time the willingness to take a risk on someone who seems to be. (As I always like to point out, yes there are bad eggs out there but -we- are online, so that right there proves there are tons of great people to be found as well. ;))
In any case, I think the LDR thing, as far as beginning online, is at
its best when conducted by partners who BOTH love communicating in detail. I know there are LDRs out there where the internet (or other method) was simply used to meet someone, but not enough communicating is done for people to -have- a relationship once they actually meet in person. Just liking someone's picture and exchanging "small talk" or flirty little e-mails is NOT enough.
Whiterose: If you had it all to do over again, would you still choose to be in a LDR?
GoldieCat: Yes, definitely. Otherwise I would never have met this fantastic man who feels so right for me. It just really worked for us.
However, I don't know that I would use the term "be" in - because one thing I wouldn't do is have one that stayed LD beyond the time it felt right to make some transition to RL. And if it didn't get to a point of feeling right on both sides...then it probably wouldn't be. I don't know...as in most relationship "things," it always depends on the 2 people involved.
Whiterose: Any other pearls of wisdom or comments you’d like to share with us about LDR’s?
GoldieCat: I thought it might be relevant to mention that this was not my first online LDR, and also not my first OWYM relationship. I have observed that it can help the chances of success for both partners to have experience with any such "unusual" circumstances (this is the case in so many life situations though), because the anxiety level that comes with being a newbie at anything is that much lower the next time(s) and the partners can concentrate on the relationship itself rather than its situation. (Not to say of course that it can't be excellent the first time!)
Thanks again Katrina for this chance to relive my happy experiences with this formerly LDR - ok, I will sum up by saying: the internet is AWESOME for meeting new people, wherever they are. If you meet someone who could be right for you, communicate, communicate, communicate! Only then can you have a basis for deciding to overcome the distance.
It absolutely CAN WORK! :D
You're welcome GoldieCat and thank YOU for taking the time to do this for our forum! -- Katrina
Whiterose: How does this relationship compare to others you have had that started with someone who lived closer to you? For example, please describe the similarities and the differences.
GoldieCat: I could write a lot about this - but I will try to highlight some main points. I would say first of all that this relationship hasn't a lot of similarity to others I've had, in the sense that I'm not perpetually frustrated with how my man does or doesn't relate to me or to our shared living environment. What a BLESSING. I did a good deal of work, before he appeared on the scene, focusing on the kinds of things I wanted (and didn't want) in a man, and aimed to hold out until I got it.
In the past, I've dealt with guys who said one thing and did another (or were all talk and no action), were bad with finances, insisted on having things their way, were more interested in winning a fight than having things work for us, I don't know...I guess the baskets you could put some in might be labeled "selfish," "controlling," or "immature" to the point of just not being ready for a good relationship no matter what their age. Not to say they didn't have their good points - my problem was that I did see their good points and felt that the other things we could work through. This time I chose with eyes wide open,
and made sure to Find Out and assess as much as I could before making a commitment. HIGHLY recommended!!
There are two related things people often mention as differences
between starting as an LDR and starting face to face: one, it doesn't tend to begin as a "purely" physical attraction, so there is ample opportunity to build a connection based on the essence of who a person is rather than his looks (although I completely believe in being ALSO attracted to a person physically. It just so happens that my honey turned out to be HOT! :D)
The other thing is, -because- you are mainly communicating verbally rather than physically, you have the chance to discuss things in a LOT of depth and really get to know a lot about each other, which is essential for making a good decision about someone. And you get a sense of a potential partner's reliability and interest, since a LDR is something people have to quite -actively- participate in in order to have it go anywhere. Now...there -are- con artists out there, some of them even somewhat unintentional, so you do have to have a good awareness to separate them from guys who are worth the trouble, and at the same time the willingness to take a risk on someone who seems to be. (As I always like to point out, yes there are bad eggs out there but -we- are online, so that right there proves there are tons of great people to be found as well. ;))
In any case, I think the LDR thing, as far as beginning online, is at
its best when conducted by partners who BOTH love communicating in detail. I know there are LDRs out there where the internet (or other method) was simply used to meet someone, but not enough communicating is done for people to -have- a relationship once they actually meet in person. Just liking someone's picture and exchanging "small talk" or flirty little e-mails is NOT enough.
Whiterose: If you had it all to do over again, would you still choose to be in a LDR?
GoldieCat: Yes, definitely. Otherwise I would never have met this fantastic man who feels so right for me. It just really worked for us.
However, I don't know that I would use the term "be" in - because one thing I wouldn't do is have one that stayed LD beyond the time it felt right to make some transition to RL. And if it didn't get to a point of feeling right on both sides...then it probably wouldn't be. I don't know...as in most relationship "things," it always depends on the 2 people involved.
Whiterose: Any other pearls of wisdom or comments you’d like to share with us about LDR’s?
GoldieCat: I thought it might be relevant to mention that this was not my first online LDR, and also not my first OWYM relationship. I have observed that it can help the chances of success for both partners to have experience with any such "unusual" circumstances (this is the case in so many life situations though), because the anxiety level that comes with being a newbie at anything is that much lower the next time(s) and the partners can concentrate on the relationship itself rather than its situation. (Not to say of course that it can't be excellent the first time!)
Thanks again Katrina for this chance to relive my happy experiences with this formerly LDR - ok, I will sum up by saying: the internet is AWESOME for meeting new people, wherever they are. If you meet someone who could be right for you, communicate, communicate, communicate! Only then can you have a basis for deciding to overcome the distance.
It absolutely CAN WORK! :D
You're welcome GoldieCat and thank YOU for taking the time to do this for our forum! -- Katrina