Too much to drink and not enough love

Ok. This could be the two Heineken's and bottle of Pinot Noir that I drank tonight talking.... but who knows.

I'm scared I'm falling out of love. This evening I was on a 30 minute call with a guy who wanted me to watch the PLayboy channel with him. This guy is a regular of mine who does like 90 minutes a week. So I get like 90 bucks off this guy just for watching it. Well M is home... and while on the call he starts slinging papers.. picking up books.. moving things... standing in front of the TV that I'm trying to do playbyplay on....and just distracting me. So then the timer goes off on the fajitas I'm cooking.. and I type on my laptop "Go Fix Dinner.."

Well the call ends. The guy said at the end that I sounded preoccupied. Great. So he's probably never calling back again... But anyways. M hadn't fixed dinner. The rice burnt and this and that... So I'm ranting. I'm raving... And he's like "well you act like what you do is building a bridge.. you can't call what you do cooking.. more like heating things up."


That hurt me so bad.

Now some back story. I'm a hitter. I don't punch or anything, but when I don't get my story across I shove.. or I scream.. or I kick or something... Well not today... I kept my hands to myself, but I did scream. He hurt me. and I was tired of being the one who does EVERYTHING around the house (just two days before when his mom was visiting he made fun of the way I cleaned.. he said it was because I was calling him lazy, but hedoesn't do ANYTHING)

So anyways.. this esculated to him holding his hand over my mouth and my hair in his fist... trying to keep me from screaming.... because I really am tired of basically being the Mother to him. I mean I'm 20. He's 39. and I'm like his mother.

So we're fighting. I tell him that I want to leave. That it's not healthy to get physical with one another. It's just not. He hides MY car keys... to a car my MOM still owns btw.. and doesn't let me leave... So I'm stuck here with him... I go lock myself in the bathtub... and turn on the water and soak.. blocking him out.. Well once he undoes the lock.... He comes in and tells me Ican have my freedom.. Well I know this is just a ploy on his part to see if I'd get jealous..cause the next thing he said was "if this isn't meant to be then I need to find my real soulmate"

But ya know what? When he said it... I wasn't jealous. I kinda welcomed it.

So he's going through his guilt trip about how, "you always ruin this relationship" " you will live with the guilt of knowing the blood of our love is on your hands" and blahblahblah..

Well... things slowly calm down...I don't really forgive him.. but things just calm a bit... and he asks me why I love him...

And ya know what?!?!
I could remember all the reasons I used to love him.

He made me stop self injuring. He made me fall in love with myself. He made me love me. He gave me companionship no one else ever gave. He believed in me.

But I don't feel any of that now.

I remember that's how it USED to be... but .. I don't reallly have one thing about him that I love right now...

Am I falling out of love? I don't know... BUt I just needed a vent or rant..

I probably will never have the balls to leave because the good moments are real good, but unfortunately, the bad moments are real bad...

I never drink. I hate alcohol. But something just made me want to just sorta go mindless tonight...

Lord knows I'll probably be deleting this thread later, but .... God I needed to get it out.. I have NO one here in Houston.. no friends but M.

Ellie, I just wanted to let you know that at 34 years of age, I'm someone who has tolerated what you have described, and much, much, worse.,..including beatings and cheating. You name it, I've been just about as low as a woman can get, always based on trusting the wrong guy.

I never did make a relationship with an abusive man work, not in the long run. But I did eventually find someone who treated me right, from the beginning, and continued to treat me that way. Two weeks ago, that man bought me an engagement ring and I accepted his proposal.

The only way forward, I've always found, is to do what is right by yourself, and have faith in positive thinking. Thats what go me to this place, from the place you are at now. I wish you the best!

Ellie I'm so sad to hear this.....Maybe your just mad... you may not be out of love... sometimes anger will do that.. I know I was there the other day... I wanted a divorce LOL I said it out of anger.. I love my husband dearly but he ticked me off so bad we had a yelling match.... for HOURS.....I ended up going to bed and not talkin to him for over a day.....
You also could be falling out of love ... but you will figure that out..whether its now or later.. that just hits you like a ton of bricks when it happens...

When you are all calmed down talk to him.. tell him how you feel.. thats what I did.. and i got the apology of a lifetime ;)

I hope you figure this out and I hope that you guys can work thru this!!

a drink every once and awhile is ok... Ya need to take the edge off every once and awhile ;)

Wow. First of all, there's no excuse for interfering with your work like that. How would he like it if you called him at work all day and kept him from getting anything done? What exactly caused that nonsense anyways? I'd say he's acting pretty childish and maybe has a bit of a control issue.

I hope you don't buy into that "the blood is on your hands" nonsense for one second. He's just trying to turn the tables on you and make himself look like the victim (just like he does when he criticizes your housework).

Originally posted by EllieMae
He made me stop self injuring. He made me fall in love with myself. He made me love me. He gave me companionship no one else ever gave. He believed in me. It's understandable that when someone helps you so much you'd feel a great amount of loyalty to them. But you don't have to stand by him forever, regardless of how he treats you, because of that. If you do, it becomes a codependent relationship instead of two equal partners sharing their lives with each other. You don't owe him the right to treat you badly, no matter how much emotional support he's given you in the past.

Originally posted by EllieMae
Ok. This could be the two Heineken's and bottle of Pinot Noir that I drank tonight talking.... but who knows.

Yep, could be. Alcohol...either masks or escalates and exaggerates our emotions. BUT--it also makes us more honest, with those lowered inhibitions.

I'm scared I'm falling out of love.

Fighting+alcohol....definately might be enough alone to make you feel this.

So anyways.. this esculated to him holding his hand over my mouth and my hair in his fist... trying to keep me from screaming....

Let me understand...you were yelling at him, not physically doing anything to him, and HE took it to this level? NOT good. I'm not of the ilk that "a man should never hit a woman." I believe that a man, especially if he is stronger and bigger, should do what ever possible to AVOID hitting a woman. But if he is being assaulted, inbjured, etc, he should defend himself. Feeling this way--my gut says, "He did WHAT? He put his hands on you like that for WHAT?" Classic signs of a controlling personality.

So we're fighting. I tell him that I want to leave. That it's not healthy to get physical with one another. It's just not. He hides MY car keys... to a car my MOM still owns btw.. and doesn't let me leave...

Again...he did WHAT? See above. VERY controlling, manipulative, etc. NOT a good thing.

So I'm stuck here with him... I go lock myself in the bathtub... and turn on the water and soak.. blocking him out.. Well once he undoes the lock....

Once he invades your privacy...demonstrates NO respect for boundaries....

He comes in and tells me Ican have my freedom.. Well I know this is just a ploy on his part to see if I'd get jealous..cause the next thing he said was "if this isn't meant to be then I need to find my real soulmate" So he's going through his guilt trip about how, "you always ruin this relationship" " you will live with the guilt of knowing the blood of our love is on your hands" and blahblahblah..


Manipulative. Playing on your emotions. Attempting to get his way through guilt. Ellie, luv, these are all adding up to a very bad sum....



I could remember all the reasons I used to love him.

He made me stop self injuring.

Uh-uh. No way. He DOES NOT get credit for that. As someone who has fought that battle: YOU made yourself stop doing that. NO amount of intervention from an outside source can stop these sorts of things--it takes strength of mind, will, character....and a long hard fight to recovery on top of all that.

He made me fall in love with myself. He made me love me.

Again: no way. No amount of love he can give you--anyone can give you--can make this happen. I think he may have helped you see reasons to love yourself, but you, doll, get the credit for this one too.

He gave me companionship no one else ever gave. He believed in me.

Ummmm....lovers are SUPPOSED to do this. He gets no kudos for this, darlin, that's what love is all about. I'm also worried about what I'm NOT hearing here....is he smart? Kind? Considerate? Attentive? Understanding, loyal, passionate, etc...there are any NUMBER of reasons to love a person, FOR THEIR OWN merits...and you named none....

But I don't feel any of that now.

I remember that's how it USED to be... but .. I don't reallly have one thing about him that I love right now...

Am I falling out of love? I don't know... BUt I just needed a vent or rant..

I probably will never have the balls to leave because the good moments are real good, but unfortunately, the bad moments are real bad...

I never drink. I hate alcohol. But something just made me want to just sorta go mindless tonight...

Lord knows I'll probably be deleting this thread later, but .... God I needed to get it out.. I have NO one here in Houston.. no friends but M.

That last phrase....I have NO one here in Houston.. no friends but M....as if we needed it but one more RED FLAG!!!!!

Ellie, I know its hard to tell the whole story to us...and even if you did, and this is the sum of it, we are NOT in your shoes, and could STILL be missing something...but I'm going to tell you what I see anyway.

I remember some of your previous posts. You met him young; you were underage; your parents disapproved. You've were or are estranged from your family due to this realtionship; you are, to this day, alienated and alone (no friends but M.)

Throw this in with the self esteem and self injury issues....and I see a young, needy, self-hating girl, shown love, affection, and attention by a manipulative, grasping, controlling person!

What kind of man allows his woman, his lover, to be so alone?

What kind of man manipulates through guilt and heightened emotions?

What kind of man puts his hands on a woman in ANGER, when NOT being assaulted?

The wrong kind!!!

Hon...you deserve better. You ARE better.

I worked in a domestic violence shelter for three years; any number of women on here can speak firsthand as well: These are classic signs of an abuser.

1--Find someone with low self esteem

2--Show them affection and caring

3--Remove obstacles--alienate from family, friends, loved ones

4--Exert your will in any way possible, small or large, including NO REPSECT for privacy and boundaries, increasing the feeling of "I own you."

5--Strike out in anger (physically, emotionally, manipulatively.)

I HOPE I'm missing something here. I HOPE I'm misinterpretting the signs. I HOPE so--for your sake....

If I'm not...

Get out. Please. Find a way. There is all kinds of help out there. Not just of the women's shelter variety--counseling help. Family and friends help.

It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself--best thing since stopping the self injury, and learning to love yourself a little bit more.

Lara. I just absolutely adore how you give advice. How you look at situations. Thank you to everyone.

So I wake up this morning. And I'm worried I maybe painted him in a bad light. Last night, I did not hit. No. But I have a history. I was yelling at him, but not insulting last night... just trying to get my point across.... but, I also think he could've been reacting in a way I've conditioned him to act because I have, indeed, hit in the past... I have made horrible comments about him. Brought up his being sterile. Or his not having a good job. Or just really mean sprited things. I think with the fight yesterday he wasn't sure on how to react because I wasn't reacintg like I normally do.

As far as the fighting, I think the initial fight was probably started a little pettily. All I wanted was help in the kitchen, and he made a few snide comments....and he interfered with a caller who helps pay our bills.. yea I was mad. But I think he was acting out in the manner he was expecting ME to act, but yesterday, I didn't. I'm trying to work on my temper... trying to work on how I react to things...

I will be totally honest and say there were nights where I have punched him, broke his classes and had him down on the floor... and he never once did anything back. Just took it..

I think in our relationship we have a case of two people who are completely and totally emotionally immature. Emotionally F'd up. Not really sure how to treat the other. I think we both have this overwhelming set of feelings for one another, but we don't deal well with being wrong. We don't deal well with being called on our flaws.... I'm trying to change it, and who knows, maybe yesterdays fight will show him I'm trying to change. Maybe when he sets and reflects like I'm reflecting. He'll see that I really didn't do much wrong except scream that he never helps me in the kitchen... which is entirely true. This morning his excuse was that he didn't want to start cooking until I was off the call and ready to eat with him... So.. I feel sorta dumb for getting mad.

So what does this leave? It still leaves the fact that I don't have any friends here. But if you think about it, I work out of the house....I'm logged into the PC about 8-9 hours a day..... Working, trolling for clients.. I don't really have an oppurtuinity to make friends... And when in college class, I don't really have people in my classes that I relate to... So maybe I put myself in that position of no friends by having a job that isn't conducive with making friends... well, I mean I have other phone girls I'm close with.. so I guess that's friends.. but yea.

As far as if I see things I love about him now that I'm not drunk anymore... He's funny. He's witty. He keeps little ole serious me not so serious. He cherishes me (other than when fighting) He lives for doing stuff with me. He lives for showing me things. He lives for giving me everything he possibly can.

I think one barrier we have is that he doesn't relay his feelings. All he says is "I love you more than anything.." He doesn't tell me that when I say something it hurts him.... so I sorta try to push and push and push and inflict pain on him when I get my feelings hurt.. and I think all his reactions last night were in response to that..

You can even ask my parents... or friends I had in WV... when I get mad, I don't sorta "half fight" ... I go for the jugular... I think M is now reacting to that.... and I'm not combatting against it.. maybe it's our relationship slowly getting healthier..

God, I"m babbling.

But when I set and think about all the manipulative things he did to me last night. They are all games I've played on him at one point in time or another...

So I dunno.

I'm sorta just stuck in an area right now where I don't really know what to think. I know that I married him for a reason. I know that when I took my vows (twice! at the courthouse then at the wedding my parents through) ... that I was genuine when I said forever......

It's just that we're both growing together emotionally... and that maybe can be a scary thing...

Thank you guys for your support.. your kind words...

Change pretty much bites.

But we are always growing, and always changing; and it's a pain--literally, like growing pains and teething.

Ellie, I'm glad to hear from you today that you see things differently in the light of day. As I said, maybe there was more to the story....but how great of you to baldly accept your faults.

You've changed. He has changed.

Let's hope that you continue to grow and change together!

If you are ready and willing to work on you--and on your relationship--all that is left is for him to be ready and willing to work on himself and the relationship.

And then you two get to work!!

I really do wish you the best of luck.

Well.. hubby and I decided we needed some relaxation time. So. He's got a jacuzzi suite in Austin lined up tonight.. for a little 2 day vacation for us. They even accept small dogs, so this should be nice.

Ellie...

you remind me of me sometimes.... I don't hit.. I may throw things LOL... but I really really really have to be mad to do that...and Now I have to curb my anger because of the baby I did have to learn to JUST WALK AWAY... LOL.. but before the baby.. oh my .. even now I say things just not yelling..... But My husband would hurt my feelings and get cold and callous .. seeming like he didn't care we were argueing or that he cared about my feelings.. so I would say stuff to hurt his feelings.... and threaten with divorce ... telling him that He doesn't know how to love and he was the reason for his other divorce and no wonder why she didn't stay with him (even though she was the reason for the divorce) I would just go off.... but as I read this I'm like wow... This sounds so familiar....

I'm glad you guys are getting away.. sometimes relaxation helps... sometimes Stress is just a killer....

I hope you both find a way thru this and come to some middle grounds.... Just walk away.. trust me it's so much easier... and if you ignore him long enough they usually will realize or try and work it out..... but it also depends on who is in the wrong at the tiime :)

I"m glad your ok :)
Mer

Ellie mae, i was really impressed by the high level of articulation and insight you demonstrated in your post.....I have a lot of faith in you. I think for a lot of bright and deeply sensitive people, the intellect grows much faster than one's mechanisms for dealing with overwhelming emotions. But you'll be ok...you'll get better at coping with the emotional stuff and theres nothing wrong with being where you are at now. It was a massive achievment holding back from hitting, so you can do it again and again.
I wish you both the best growing together through all this.

Wow! When I first read your initial post I was floored! I was thinking all the things Lara posted...but she posted it much better than I ever could have. But now reading the updates I'm glad you are the type of person to be honest with yourself...and with others. This will benefit you and your relationship...all the best darlin'!