mildly neurotic

Hi all,

This is something that I could post on any relationship support site -- as it's not actually an age-gap issue but a me issue -- but I could do with your advice, so I hope you don't mind.
All is still going great with the guy I'm seeing.
So great that I'm waiting for something to go wrong.
This ALWAYS happens with me and guys. The moment they don't phone, even on a day like today when I left his place this morning, and he emailed me this afternoon to send his love, because he hasn't phoned tonight, I've decided that he's:
a) realised this was all a big mistake
b) has been thinking that for some time.

I've tried giving him a call and its on the answermachine which means absolutely nothing. I'd just like to know how to deal with these incredibly negative feelings that I get. As we live an hour away from each other, in different towns, we're going to have to spend nights apart. Personally, I'd just like to KNOW that I was going to speak to him every night. Tonight, I feel like a teenager waiting for the call. But requiring your loved one to definitely call every night is a bit militant. And reading the 'sticky', about the secrets of keeping love going, I did notice the importance of giving people time out.

Any tips from anyone on how to control these horrible needy cross feelings? Do I talk to him about it?

Sophie

It would definitely be good to talk to him about how you're feeling, with a big emphasis on your knowledge that it's a personal problem and nothing to do with him. But there are always going to be times when you can't get in touch with each other or are busy with other things, etc, so you need to learn how to deal with the feeling you have.

Figuring out the source of the problem is your best bet to figure out how to deal with it. Do you think this is a trust issue, a self-esteem issue or something else? Also, have the two of you talked about your future together and made a definite commitment? Do you trust him to talk to you about it if his feelings do change?

I think that everyone has a slightly neurotic side to them...I'm the same way too. It's rough when you are used to daily calls, text messages, emails and love notes. Then you start to conjur up all these different scenrios as to what the problem could possibly be...then when you do hear from them....and most of the time you do...you feel terrible for even thinking such horrible things about your sweetie...but yet, thenext time it happens you start from square one. Silly huh...I don't know what to tell you, I just know that I'm in the same boat when it comes to things of this nature. I'd stick with Kim...give it a time line! :D

I used to be exactly the same way when Paul and I first got together, everytime he didn't e-mail or I couldn't catch him at home I'd convince myself that he'd decided I wasn't worth all the hassle and was avoiding me, when in reality it just meant that something had come up for him at home and he'd had to go somewhere suddenly and because of the time difference he couldn't phone to let me know because It was early hours of the morning here.
You know, I don't even know what I did to change it all, I guess it just sort of hit me one day that even though he wasn't at home to talk to me I wasn't worried about his commitment to me because I'd finally learnt to trust him completely. Yes, it hurt that I couldn't talk to him but I knew he'd be thinking of me even though he wasn't home if that makes sense.
When I sat down and thought about it all afterwards I realised it was my problem, brought on by the way men had treated me in the past and that I was letting past experiences get in the way of what could be a very special relationship, that this was finally going to be the one man I could trust and that has turned out to be so true. Yes, I still worry when he suddenly disappears but not because I'm scared his feelings have changed, more because I'm worried something has happened to him which is a natural feeeling if you love someone really. I guess the fact we're so far apart right now makes it worse too but there's nothing we can do about that just yet.
I don't really have any advice as such but just wanted to let you know that these feelings can pass with time, at least they did in my case. I just keep telling myself its not always going to be like this, one day the distance will be a thing of the past and we'll be together for the rest ofo ur lives. Good luck to you

Kay...

That wonderful news! I'm glad you got past it all!! I hope all goes well on your trip to go see him :D

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. After that particular neurotic episode, I did - of course - hear from him, and all is still going brilliantly. We're having to spend a lot of time apart as he's finishing a book and I'm finishing a thesis and it does seem to be that whenever he goes silent (for rare brief periods) it is actually because he's fallen asleep or gone to work...so I shd probably stop flipping out quite so soon.

Pink asked why I might be in this state. It's not a trust issue per se -- that's to say that I have never been cheated on as far as I know by any man. (I'm probably just too busy navel-gazing to have noticed!) I think it's more to do with the fact that a man's silence gives me an excuse to detach. I'm quite frightened of being in love, because I'm scared that I might be left, or they might die, or disappear. I'm scared of losing myself. So the first 'crack' in a relationship (even if it's not a crack, simply a very small silence) allows me to do that detaching. I think that I'm frightened of making myself vulnerable, so when I feel the slightest bit vulnerable, I get cross, angry and even start thinking 'oh it's ok I'll go and find someone else'. So it is, perhaps, a trust and a self esteem issue. I don't trust anyone to stay in love with me, and I don't think I'm worth staying in love with. At heart. Hmmm. Time for some therapy, perhaps!

S x

You are totally worth staying in love with....follow your heart hon...don't be scared...and if you do end up getting hurt, take it in, remember the feelings and learn and grow from it! :)

All the best~
EM