New to this OM dating thing, please help!!

Hello, I am a female 23 year old college graduate. I have always dated guys at least 10 years older than me since I was 16. However, a few months ago I met a man who is 49. We have been seeing eachother for about 6 weeks and we have have fallen in love with eachother. There are very strong emotions between us and also a friendship which feels very caring and supportive of each other. He is a contractor and was a semi-professional musician (guitarist) for several years. He has so many beautiful qualities physically, emotionally, and spiritually that are compatible with me. We also have some differences but so far we have managed to work through them because we have such a love and understanding for one another that only seems to grow as each day passes. I do plan to get married and have children sometime in the next few years, but I am really uncertain about this. I want to be with him, I know he would make a great father. He has a stable career and a strong work ethic. He has 4 children from a previous marriage but they're all grown and most are married and they don't rely on child support. They live in Utah and he lives here in California so he only sees them a couple times a year. He has said that I am the woman of his dreams and he would marry me if I would have him. However, I feel that we should give it more time simply because I don't want to rush anything, and also because I am going back to school to become a paralegal and I want to make sure that I have my career on track before making a major commitment to family/kids. I do feel love for this man, and I want to spend my life with him. I enjoy his company more than anyone I have ever known and I truly am in love with him. But my main concern is the age difference. I told my father what was happening between me and my man (not too detailed, but an overall picture) and he is adamently opposed to our union. Ironically, my father had me when he was 45. Anyway, he thinks the extended family will disown me. My brother said the same thing. My mother is not that opposed but she called him "old" and made rude jokes about men his age getting prostate problems. Some of my friends are supportive, but some said that it's ridiculous and that I am a pretty and smart girl and that I shouldn't have any problems finding a guy closer to the age I am used to. I feel really insecure about all of this. He knows how I feel as we have talked at length about this. I also feel insecure because of the fact that he was married before and has experienced so much in life, I feel quite left out sometimes. I am also worried about how we are perceived in society. However I am really in love with this man and I feel that he fits me so well. He always showers me with love and in fact, his maturity and life experience is a lot of what draws me to him!! I know I may sound weak, but I am just being honest... I guess there is a good and bad side to everything. So my question is, seeing as how there is a 25 year age difference, has anyone else gone through this? How have you guys handled it? Especially when the people closest to you are not supportive? This is really scary to me. I have thought about stopping the relationship from going any further simply because of the age gap. But he is such a good man that if I lose him I will always wonder what might have been and will probably live to regret it for the rest of my life. Please help! I am really confused about what to do.

hey Welcome to Ageless...

Your relationships seems fine.. You love him he loves you....problem to me seems to be your family....let them feel the way they want and ask them to keep there o pinions to them.. DON'T ask for there input anymore.. You were open and honest and thats all that is expected..... just ignore the rude comments...unfortunatly the Parents sometimes are the hardest thing to handle in these situations.... If you live with your parents you may have to "suck it up" and listen to there comments but just say Ok... thats fine.. but ignoreit..... You don' t need to get married ASAP.. You do what you want ... to back to school and graduate and when your ready to marry then you do.. Your OM should be able to respect that..... I don't see the "age" issue for you .. because YOu seem to love him not matter what his age.. I maybe wrong but that's not what I'm reading... :)

Good Luck

Keep us Posted!!

Hi there! I appreciate your post! Yes you are correct. A lot of it is "stigma" related issues, such as my family's opinion and also like when I go out with my OM and I see couples my age that are together it makes me feel like maybe I am somewhat abnormal or something. I guess I care too much about what others perceive as normal which is ridiculous because it's MY LIFE, you know? And life should not be lived with that kind of anxiety. I am just trying to enjoy my life with this man and each and every day I spend with him is precious. I just don't know about marriage, even though I so much want to be with him. I already graduated from college, but I am considering a new career path (paralegal) so I am trying to get focused on that. I just got out of of a 4.5 year relationship with a guy about 10 years older than I was and it did not end that well. I am leery about major "commitment" because I am afraid of it not working out after having devoted so much time and energy which is what I did in my previous relationship and it did not work out. Put that on top of the 25 year difference between me and my current significant other and it's quite a bit of pressure for me. Anyway I suppose time will tell, and he is willing to wait for me. But he has said that he will not be dictated policy to by "society's norms." I am just so afraid of the repercussions of my being involved with him on that level and being ostracised..... I fear sometimes I am not strong enough to handle it and that really makes me depressed.

Hello and Welcome.

You seem a very bright and together young woman who met a great guy. My question is, why do you need to decide this now? You're 23, you've only been together 6 weeks, and I can't see a reason why you need to immediately decide if you're going to be together forever.

My advice is to just take things slow and enjoy each other for awhile. There is plenty of time for major, life-altering decisions later. External pressures can be difficult to deal with, so just give yourself a chance to see how you deal with them before you decide to not even try. 6 weeks is not that long. Maybe really get to know this guy first?

Best of luck,
Emmie

Originally posted by emmiegirl
Hello and Welcome.

You seem a very bright and together young woman who met a great guy. My question is, why do you need to decide this now? You're 23, you've only been together 6 weeks, and I can't see a reason why you need to immediately decide if you're going to be together forever.

My advice is to just take things slow and enjoy each other for awhile. There is plenty of time for major, life-altering decisions later. External pressures can be difficult to deal with, so just give yourself a chance to see how you deal with them before you decide to not even try. 6 weeks is not that long. Maybe really get to know this guy first?

Best of luck,
Emmie

Exactly what I was thinking Emmie.
At first I was wondering how you can love someone you've only known for six weeks...then I had to recall my past...and yes it is possible. You stated that it gets better and better as the days pass, but your days ar limited. So I say spend more time together first.

Second, I see no reason why age should be an issue. If you are comfortable with it, with him and with a possible future together...then it really doesn't matter. Everyone is going to have an opinion, every one will agree or disagree...you can't please everyone all the time. So live your life the way you want to live it. Family and friends will either accept it, reject it or simply ignore it. However they need to know that you do love him and are still going to see what may come out of this relationship reguardless of how they think or feel about the matter.

And finally, most parents that I've read about on these boards are usually shocked and don't agree...but later accept the OM and love them like family...so there's hope :D

Welcome and keep us posted!

Thanks guys... I so needed to hear this! I think you are absolutely right. More time is needed for us to spend together to find out of this is right. The problem is, I was raised to figure everything out, to project the future, to analyze stuff to death, etc. So it makes "being in love" something that is somewhat "illogical" to me. But I do feel that I care for him deeply and I am in love with him and all these emotions are coming up for me. I know you can't plan love nor can you determine if you can make any long-term commitment without giving it enough time and thought. It's just hard for me to be in the moment... to just relax and let things happen as they naturally will. I struggle with that alot. But love breaks boundaries and brings new hope to my life. In fact, I was listening to this song the other day by QUEEN about being in the moment. Here are the lyrics below. Thanks again guys, and please keep posting if you have any other advice to offer. I really appreciate it.


ONE YEAR OF LOVE

Just one year of love
Is better than a lifetime alone,
One sentimental moment in your arms
Is like a shooting star right through my heart,
It's always a rainy day without you,
I'm a prisoner of love inside you -
I'm falling apart all around you - yeah.
My heart cries out to your heart,
I'm lonely but you can save me,
My hand reaches out for your hand,
I'm cold but you light the fire in me,
My lips search for your lips,
I'm hungry for your touch,
There's so much left unspoken
And all I can do is surrender
To the moment just surrender
And no one ever told me that love would hurt so much,
Oooh yes it hurts
And pain is so close to pleasure,
And all I can do is surrender to your love,
Just surrender to your love,
Just one year of love,
Is better that a lifetime alone,
One sentimental moment in your arms,
Is like a shooting star right through my heart,
It's always a rainy day without you,
I'm a prisoner of love inside you -
I'm falling apart all around you - yeah.
And all I can do is surrender.

Originally posted by TruthLovesMe
But love breaks boundaries and brings new hope to my life.


YES IT DOES! And when old boundries start to fade, remember to embrace the new...don't fear it :)

my opinion is to do what feels right. thats the only thing that has kept me going. I'm 23 and my OM is 43... my friends said the same as yours did in the beginning... my family said the same as yours are... and after over a year together now... he is a HUGE part of my family and my friends. we're even moving in together on Friday:)

Regardless.. when you think it doesn't work with you and your life.. then you can rethink it. but make sure you can hear your heart...

Good luck with everything. I think that what is meant to be... will be.

Do you have an update for us Truth?

Hi everyone,

Wow i want to say thank you all for the amazing responses. I think everyone here has some incredibly valid points and this is exactly the kind of support and feedback I was hoping to come across. Regarding our update, he and I are still together and as time passes we just seem to keep getting closer and more in love. It's truly amazing how things happen, I mean I would NEVER in a million years picture myself with someone 25 years older than me. But I do feel that there is a rhyme and reason for this otherwise things wouldn't be so natural and loving and compatible between us. It's totally worth it, and even though I still have my reservations, I am getting to see the beatiful person he is and wanting him to continue to be apart of my life as time goes on. I do realize that rushing things is a seriously bad idea so I am going to give time, maybe several months, maybe a year but whatever happens I am just hoping that I will KNOW what is right and not be swayed by outside opinions from people who "predict" there will never be a happy future for us. I love him and he loves me. What else do we need...

This sounds so great!!!!!

We are working on a new forum called Long Term Relationships so we can support those who don't yet... and who are in need of knowing these relationships do work... stick around we are a fun bunch... I have been Married 1 year on Aug. 30 and I just had a beautiful baby boy...who is 6 weeks tomorrow.... he is 17 years older than me I am 29 and he is 46 and more in love then ever.... so stick around... :) we love makin new friends!!

Truth,

A few observations and comments following up on previous posters

1. Age is only an issue IF it is an issue. Meaning....if it bothers you...or even nags at you in a vague, subtle way....it may become an issue in later years. Something to think about. Love that lasts a lifetime has little to do with soaring emotional states or emotional highs. When the nitty gritty of life hits years from now...age may become an issue.

2. Beyond age....the 6 weeks and in love thingy is fine for 14year olds (IMHO) but should be avoided by adults. I'd be a little spooked by his : I want to spend my life with you". How does he know?? How could he know? Why would he think such a thing? Do you know how many people swear they met their "soul mate" after a few weeks...and end up in relationship hell?


3. Your family sounds wacky...disown you?? Are they serious?? Just plain nuts.

Good news...if time leads you both to really fall in love...and you can igonre the family....and live with your friends snide comments....the age is NOt an issue.

I'm 48...married to a 24 years old lady. We've been together since she was a teenager (19) however and her family and mine are completely supportive. It is a great relationship...

Don;t let the mere age hold you back...unless it IS a serious issue for you and your life.

Okay I'll stop ranting now :)

Originally posted by tommy
Beyond age....the 6 weeks and in love thingy is fine for 14year olds (IMHO) but should be avoided by adults. I'd be a little spooked by his : I want to spend my life with you". How does he know?? How could he know? Why would he think such a thing? Do you know how many people swear they met their "soul mate" after a few weeks...and end up in relationship hell?

Um...I'm not so sure that "the 6 weeks and in love thingy" should be avoided by adults so much as adults should be expected to keep it in a proper perspective. So should 14-year-olds, actually (IMO), but they are generally cut a little more slack due to their youth.

The first few months of an intense relationship tend to be colored by hormonal factors. It is often wise to slow things down and wait for the rose-colored lenses to return to a more normal hue.

That said, I believe it is possible for a man to conclude in such a short time frame that he has found a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. At the age of 38, I completely unexpectedly "fell in love" with a young woman (who was 23 at the time) after only a couple of months of getting to know her - and that not even in a dating context. I questioned my sanity at the time, but on reflection I realized that at my age (and after my life experiences) I had come to know myself well enough that I really did not need any more time to figure out what I wanted out of life. Everything I had seen of this woman matched what I valued, and the only things stopping me from immediately concluding that I wanted to marry her were (a) she had no interest in dating me, and (b) I knew there was plenty more to her that I had not seen so that I might eventually discover something to indicate that we weren't right for each other after all, and (c) I could not trust my judgment while in the throes of a monumental infatuation.

More than a year later, with the addictive phase of my infatuation relatively settled down, I am more convinced than ever that we are incredibly well matched. I may not have entirely trusted my intuition at that early stage of our relationship, but I believe it was right on target even so. And while the young lady in question, alas, still has no interest in anything more than friendship, I don't think that invalidates my point...

Originally posted by tommy
Truth,

A few observations and comments following up on previous posters

1. Age is only an issue IF it is an issue. Meaning....if it bothers you...or even nags at you in a vague, subtle way....it may become an issue in later years. Something to think about. Love that lasts a lifetime has little to do with soaring emotional states or emotional highs. When the nitty gritty of life hits years from now...age may become an issue.

2. Beyond age....the 6 weeks and in love thingy is fine for 14year olds (IMHO) but should be avoided by adults. I'd be a little spooked by his : I want to spend my life with you". How does he know?? How could he know? Why would he think such a thing? Do you know how many people swear they met their "soul mate" after a few weeks...and end up in relationship hell?



Ok Tommy, points taken. But what am I supposed to do then? This guy has so many qualities that are compatible with me. We ARE in love with eachother. But what should I do, break it off? Especially since YES there is that "Subtle" nagging feeling of him being so much older than me. I don't know if it is something I will get more used to with time. That is why I am trying to take my time and WAIT and SEE. Otherwise, what's your advice Tommy, how should I end the relationship now before it gets too deep and 2 hearts get really ripped to shreads in the long run. Any advice? Falling in love quickly is for 14 year olds? Well when your heart is drawn to the beauty (inside and out) of a person so deeply, what are you supposed to do? Ignore that? Tell me how to break up with him Tommy

I don't think Tommy was at all saying that you shouldn't continue with the relationship. That isn't how I read his response at all. I agreed with him on a lot of points.

I think all he was saying is that you shouldn't make huge, life-changing decisions in the midst of the heady days of first falling in love. Falling in love, chemistry, all those things are wonderful and fun and joyous. But, they don't make for the best of solid decisions. I think what he was trying to say was to go on, keep dating, don't get married right away, and see how you feel in another year.

If this thing is worth going on with for the rest of your lives, you can obviously wait another year to take that plunge.

Good luck. Be happy, enjoy what you have, just don't push it one way or the other.

My husband and I have a 26-year age gap. We met in 1996 when I was 24 and he was 50. We embarked upon a long-distance relationship (3 1/2 hour drive) that lasted almost 5 years. It took me 3 1/2 years to tell my family about him. We broke up for almost 9 months because of my concerns/issues/etc regarding the age gap. We married in 2001 and have been living "happily ever after."

Point is, it took us a very long time to work through the issues and get our lives together. What finally sealed the deal for me was our time apart. I realized that no matter what else happened (i.e. my family's reaction, his death, lack of children, etc.), the one thing I could not possibly deal with was never having him in my life. Once we moved forward, we have never looked back and we've been blessed with over 3 years of a wonderful marriage. My family now adores him and I couldn't be happier. But, I would have still been with him even if they hadn't come around. I decided that this is my life to lead and I am going to do what makes me happy, irrespective of whether or not mom and dad approve.

Love is a precious gift that should be cherished, so few are fortunate enough to find it.

the age issue will disappear over time. But as with any new relationship take your time. Believe me he has faults, we all do. Continue with your education and enjoy your time with him. What will be will be.

I am the older woman by 15 yrs. in my relationship. He's 33, I'm 48. I have 2 children ages 20 & 10 and have gone through early menopause at age 42. He now wants children :( so that has become an issue with us.

The point is there will always be issues with any relationship so it doesn't matter. Just always be true to yourself. Of course your family has concerns and it is good to let them vent in your best interest. But bottom line is they don't walk in your shoes. My older daughter is my family issue. LOL:D

My advice: Relax.......we don't have a crystal ball for the future

There are two different things you can do that will give you perspective and help you to sort things out (or two schools of thought on what you should do).

One, you can just continue to spend time with him (not rushing anything, and not rushing any decisions about what you will do long-term), just to see where it goes and if this nagging concern about his age continues in your mind and heart.

or

Two (and this is what I would recommend), you can take a break from the relationship - break it off for a while (stop seeing each other for a while-- a month or so, maybe), in order to have time to think about it in a more detached, unpressured, and analytical way. Separate yourself from the situation and from him for a while in order to have a chance to think about it more clearly. Explain to him why you feel you need to do this, that you need some time alone to organize your thoughts and sort things out about the relationship.

This might be the best thing. If you're worried that he won't still be there after you're done taking a sabbatical from the relationship, so what?

If he really loves you, he'll want you to know for sure and want you to do the right thing. He'll want what's best for you, and not just for himself, if he really loves you.

. . and if it's really meant to be, he'll wait.

I'd pray about it, too.

God bless you as you sort it out,

Wayne

I think you should take it one day at a time and try to enjoy your time together. You don't have to commit to forever. Just enjoy each day. See what happens. If you're both happy, you're ahead of a lot of people. I'm in a relationship with almost the same exact age gap, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. We've been officially together for a month ourselves. We've known eachother for a year, but only well for about two months. There are things for us to overcome, mostly together (like we both have serious financial problems) but we're helping eachother. At least no one can say I'm with him for his money since he has none! LOL
Anyway, welcome to the board :-)

Originally posted by Wayne2291

If he really loves you, he'll want you to know for sure and want you to do the right thing. He'll want what's best for you, and not just for himself, if he really loves you.

. . and if it's really meant to be, he'll wait.

I'd pray about it, too.

God bless you as you sort it out,

Wayne [/B]

Wayne, thanks so much for that advice! That was really thoughtful and well put. It really makes a lot of sense to me. ANd you're right, if he truly loves me he will consider both our feelings and needs, not just his own desires for the moment. Thanks again!