Update: OW vs XX's

Just an update to keep those who have supported me in my situation.

(Prev. thread (Help! she is about to find OUT)

I am kind of out of the dog house. Of course she is really sensitive when we are intimate so I have been cuddling and snuggeling her lots.
My two XX's got a hold of my number and have been calling me on my cell phone. They haven't been trying to ask me out anymore but just chatting as friends.(we had lots of fun together out of the bedroom as well)
Of course my O/W is uncomfortable with me talking to them but I keep reassuring her. They want to hang "out" as friends all together including my O/W. They were SOO great about our 3some. even when we parted ways it was just out of what was best for all of us at the time. (I switched companies and they had to travel w/ their present company)
They have been respectful of my present relationship after the initial "tease" and "joking" around.

Maybe in the FAR future. us all hanging out together maybe a possibility. I know my O/W would really like them and would be good friends IIFFFF she can get Past the Past as it were.

what are your thoughts with SO and Ex's being friends Etc.. etc.

I have discussed things with my ex's and they have no intentions with me other then freindship (which I admit I miss). Of coure that is My concern as well as my O.W's

Should I not even consider being friends with these xx's for the sake of my o.w??

I second, and applaud, thatgirls reply.

Especially since OW is sensitive of the issue. Make friends together. Tell the XX's to stop calling you out of respect for your NOW girlfriend.

~phosphorescent

what are your thoughts with SO and Ex's being friends Etc.. etc.

It's never going to happen.....

It's my opinion that a man who wants to remain "friends" with women he's slept with is just living in a dream world---ESPECIALLY if he's trying to carrying on a serious relationship with someone else at the same time!

I carry on a pseudo-friendship with my ex-husband. If he needs a small favour, he can call me. Once every 6 months, we MAY have dinner and see a movie.....I do this because my ex-H is struggling with homosexuality and he only came 'out' to me. If my ex-H had been straight, I wouldn't EVER consider a friendship with him. The sexual part of it would have been too strong....

I wouldn't expect my YM to carry on 'friendships' with ex-sexual partners of his. I'm smarter than that. I KNOW he's not ready to be serious if he's doing that. When he and I got together, an ex OW of HIS tried to contact him on several occasions.....he very politely told her he was taken and he CC'd the emails to me. Very classy and very appreciated.

If you're serious about your OW, drop the candy on the side.

you know I have a few friends that i would love to have stayed friends with but i know that my ow would have a problem with it so i decided that the best thing to do was not to have them as a friend anymore because my relationship with my ow was more important to me. So just resently i felt the need to change al few things sucjh as screen names that i had before and i dont answer the phone when they call.

i want the realtionship to be the best i can make it so this chage is the best thing and i feel very good about doing it.

Well... I have to amend my reply, because I am actually... like teena... psuedo-friends with my first husband. We don't "hang out," but we have a kid together, and we keep in touch and are more than civil. He'll call me when he's having troubles, and I call him when I am. So, it's definitely still friendship ~ although more distant than other friendships. And we don't talk everyday or get together more than once every couple months.

BUT, my YM LIKES my first X. Likes him quite a bit and has even asked if we could all hang out. The only reason we don't is my X's girlfriend (oddly, same age gap as me and YM - 13 years) does not have any interest in being civil to me and doesn't like that X still considers me a friend. So, that makes 3 out of 4 necessary for hanging out. (shrug)

BUT ~ In your situation, swarrow1, I REALLY don't think you should pursue remaining friends with those XXs. It's just not smart, all things considered.

~phosphorescent

Swarrow, I agree with all that has been said, ditch the XXs (in a nice way).
Its not worth it and God forbid your SO may think that you want to have a FOURSOME or something lol. :p

All kidding aside, I think she's doing pretty good right now but pushing the issue with this friendship thing may be too much for her to handle!

Who knows? As I've posted here, I'm still pretty good friends with an ex-lover. He's abroad, but there's no doubt that if he ever came over for a visit that he'd stay with the two of us and I do chat with him regularly inside my relationship.

It happens. I would say however, that your first priority is to make your current women happy and secure and the answer to your inquiry isn't really on this board - It's in her heart.

i , well, see you...ummm, i just wanna....

please don't do this to your ow.
please don't ask this of her, expect this of her, or entertain this idea any longer.
i just.....
come on now.
please be respectful of her feelings...please sir.

she's a sensitive beautiful creature, treat her as such.

I would say I have to agree with everyone who has already posted as well.

The man I was dating before J lives here in the same town I live in. We talk occasionally if we bump into each other, and sometimes he will stop by to talk for a few moments. I don't even think J really likes that, actually. We definitely don't get together for a drink or a movie or anything along those lines, but are just friendly and cordial towards each other if we happen to cross paths. I think that is all I would do in your situation as well.

If I were your OW, and I found out you were ever CONSIDERING remaining "friends" with the two ex's, much less thinking about ALL of us being friends, I would show you the door and ask you to maybe come back after you make up your mind. Period.

Thanks for all the input. It seems to me. uMM that Maybe I should ditch the xx's. LOL first post were it seems everyone agrees. "DITCH THE XX"S!!!!"
And that I will. I'll just tell them flat out that my ow is completely uncomfortable with the situation. It will be a tough pill for them to swallow but nothing compared to the agony that my O/W is going through.

Well all that being said. I thank you All for the continued support and the invaluable advice and perspectives. I say that because I don't have any other group of people that have the o/w y/m dynamic from which i can get feedback from.


:D
Sorry I couldn't get back to u all sooner. I kept getting some message about "website" being not paid up or something like that last week. And this weekend I was a little distracted by HMMM.... my great O/W/

So there u have it.

peace
always thankful
Swarrow:cool:

Oh geez, Jarod. DO NOT blame your OW!!! That's a very bad tactic and could easily backfire. Plus, SHE has to WORK with them, NOT YOU. You don't want them resenting HER.

So, tell them YOU do not want to resume the friendship, that you're very happy with the lady you're with right now and that it's not the time or place to be pursuing a friendship with either of them. Heck, you hadn't spoken to them in a long time, I gather, right? So why feel the need to explain yourself further.

~phosphorescent

Swarrow, I almost NEVER do this... you have been given good advice by Sally, Fos and Nessa.

But what worries me is that you don't seem to have a clue. I mean how could you think any of that would be ok. If you are so liberal and ... well I'd say supeficial... but that is a judgement call, to think in any realm of imagination that your OW that you seem to like so much should have to deal with any of this or that you would put the blame on her without the sage advice of the people here, well I wonder where your mind and heart are.