Some advice or opinions please would be greatly appreciated

Hi to all,
I'm new to this site and I'm feeling confused in my current situation with a guy who's 23 - I'm 42.

About 3 months ago, my 23 yr old first contacted me online. He seemed very sweet and innocent - the 'nice boy" type. I initially thought he was a little too young but he seemed so genuine that I thought I'd like to be cyberpals with him at least. Another thing, he lives in Minnesota and I live in New Jersey. Anyway, we started iming eachother and immediately he struck a chord in me. He was very sweet and seemed to be a very sensitive guy - just what a girl would like. He told me that he was just starting to feel like getting back into the swing of things since he and his ex gf broke up 6 months prior. We both started discussing our past relationships and he said I deserved to be treated like a queen and that I was beautiful and had a beautiful soul, etc. We then started talking on the phone and it has been non-stop. We've gotten closer and closer. We also discussed meeting eachother and I wanted to do it this summer and he concurred.

He is a college student - grad school - and is living at home. Therefore, he doesn't have a lot of money but has a lot of school debt. For some reason, his parents aren't helping him out even though they seem to be doing ok. He expressed concern about the money and I said I would give him some of my "miles" to help out. He didn't want to take money from me but would possibly take miles. Also, I must mention that his parents are very old fashioned and his mother seems to be overbearing and he doesn't want to disappoint his parents or go against their wishes - especially since he lives at home. They want him to follow their rules while under their roof. Therefore, he cannot tell them that he's interested in a 42 yr old (at least not now) - especially his mother. I then decide that I will come visit him - I will drive there since the airfares are a little more than I want to pay at this time.

A few weeks ago while he was out with his friends drinking, and in a drunken stupor he told me he loved me on the phone and then left a voice message later stating that he loved me and believes I am the girl for him, etc. Prior to that, we start telling eachother that we really like and care about eachother, etc. I also tell him that I'd be willing to move to MN at some point if we decide we want to be together. He did tell me at some point too that he doesn't do well in long distance relationships (I never did question him on that - should have).

Anyway, I met him last week and we hit it off in all ways. Problem was, he didn't want to totally lie to his parents but didn't tell them the whole truth either. He said a girl was in town visiting staying at his friends house and he wanted to spend time with her (me). He couldn't tell them I was staying at a hotel and he couldn't stay with me at night even though he said he wanted to. He didn't want to say that he was hanging with one of his guy friends for a few days as that would've been too much of a lie. Anyway, he was kinda stressed out on the 2nd day I was there. His mom was mad at him a couple of times and he had all this school stuff he had to take care of but wanted to spend time with me, etc. His mother also calls him too much I think and wants him to do this and do that, etc.

Before I left for my visit, he did tell me that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship yet either and he was very nervous because I was older and he didn't want to disapoint me. He's only been with 3 girls prior and they were all girlfriends. He doesn't believe in casual sex which I found refreshing of course. He knows that I've been with quite a bit more people than him and I've been married and have a 20 yr old daughter. Anyway, during my visit - we knew we had to "talk". The last day of my visit I attempted to talk with him but he said he wasn't ready to talk and didn't know how to proceed because he wanted a committed relationship with me but had these pressures from his family, financial and he was a bit overwhelmed because I don't think he expected that he and I would get this close this fast. Let me also say that during my trip he took me to where he works as a server asst so I got to meet some of his co-workers. He also took me to some of his hangouts and his drum shop where he played for me. He also sang me a song ata karaoke place - one that he sang to me on the phone on my voice mail about a month ago. He was so sweet. He also told me unprecipitated by me that he cares for me so much and that I've become a part of his life and I have to be in his life. He also tells me that he wants to visit me even though he wasn't ready to make a committment and just wanted to wait to see how things will play out between us - figure it out as we go along. I told him that lets get through the school year - I'm also a student. We both intend to graduate this May - I with my bachelors - he with his masters. He also wants to continue on for his PhD.

He's a very caring person. Helps everyone out, helps out at the homeless shelter, cooks dinners for his grandma, etc. Anyway, since I've been home now - almost a week - things seems different between us. He hasn't called or communicated as much. Hasn't been as affectionate - hasn't said he had a good time or that he misses me, etc. I told him that I was concerned that I haven't heard from him as much - particularly 3 times in a row when he said he'd call at night and he didn't. He's done that a few times before over the course of over 2 months or so but that's understandable. Also 2 days this week - actually now 3 days - we haven't even spoke on the phone. He told me he's just very busy with trying to get school situated and will be busy until he's settled with his classes and Teacher's Asst position. He told me that nothing has changed. I mean he still contacts me but just not nearly as much and not with the same affection. I know at some point the communication level will die down - especially since we're both gonna be busy with school and work and of course after the initial exitement, things do subside a bit.

Anyway, should I take his distancing as a sign that he's trying to create space between up because he's confused or do you think he's subtley trying to end things with me (he's known as a sweet heartbreaker according to other girls). He told me we must both always communicate to eachother if there are problems and I would hope that he would tell me if he doesn't want to pursue this anymore. I'm sure he'd still want to be friends. Am I freaking out over nothing or do I have valid concerns? Also, we never did clarify the "dating others" thing. We both have taken ourselves off from the dating site and I've dropped others I was dating. He wasn't dating anyone but he did hang out with girls that liked him but that he was only interested in them as friends. He told me awhile ago that he quit hanging out with them. So it was like we both we're leaning towards wanting to be together but nothing was ever actually agreed upon - it was like an unspoken agreement. Now, I need to know where he stands on this issue. I would also like to bring up the fact that I feel like he's pulling away from me and discuss the here and now with him. Any suggestions, thoughts, etc? I really really like him and I know he really likes me too but I'm not sure if he's strong enough to handle all this. What should I do?

Thank you for listening to my long-winded story

p.s. Update - spoke to him and he is concerned about the long distance thing. Wish I could help ease his mind about that one. Told him that I'd be willing to move. He'd be afraid that if I moved there he'd disappoint me. He just seems so afraid to disappoint. I told him he didn't disappoint me during my visit. We also discussed the dating thing. He's not interested in anyone and doesn't think he can find anyone as interesting as me. He also appreciates the fact that I care for him so much and that helps him sleep at night. Anyway, I told him I'm not interested in dating but I will continue to go out with people I have already gone out with platonically. I just want to be with him.

Any suggestions on anything would be greatly appreciated. Is there a way I can put him more at ease with the long distance thing?

I don't know if I listed it but feel free to email me at tealeaf1715@msn.com.

Thanks!

Hi Tealeaf,

I am not really sure how the situation with your ym really is but from the vibes of the story you are telling, it seems to me that he is pulling out ...

I have been in an LDR with my b/f (who is 20 btw) for about a year now and yes, it is hard and sometimes things get busy, but normally you know this in advance when you can't get in touch - so, this seems to be the biggest indicator to me that he's cooling things off ... And believe me, my experience is that if a guy WANTS to be in contact, he will ;)

I would say, trust your gut feeling on this - if you feel he's withdrawing, he probably is. Don't make excuses for him, if he's "not strong enough to handle this", you better find out now than later, imo ;)

Gl in any case :)

Thank you for your reply Carazy.

I actually just spoke with him (im) & we discussed some things. He again reitterated that he cares for me so much and wants to be with me but is scared. He mostly emphasized the long distance thing. I told him that I'd be willing to move but it scares him that he would disappoint me. Anyway, he said he's not interested in dating anyone else now and wants to get used to "our relationship". I told him that I'm not interested in dating anyone else but will still go out with men as "friends" only.

He's a very bright and complicated guy. So all I can do I guess is take it day to day and hope that he gets used to or gets comfortable with an "us" and that he'll be able to be strong enough to handle the ldr thing. I wish I could have real answers now but will just have to deal with the fact that I don't.

You have your answer. He is not ready to commit.

My question is why are you willing to move to where he is located? It is much too soon to even know if you two are right for each other.

Also, I guess I am getting to be too much of a skeptic but it is rare that a 23 year old man lets his parents keep him from spending the night with a woman he profess to care that much about. I think he may be living with someone or even married to someone.

Don't limit yourself to just this guy. I think if you do, you will get more heartache. Good luck to you...
Barbara

Originally posted by yellowrose
You have your answer. He is not ready to commit.

My question is why are you willing to move to where he is located? It is much too soon to even know if you two are right for each other.

Also, I guess I am getting to be too much of a skeptic but it is rare that a 23 year old man lets his parents keep him from spending the night with a woman he profess to care that much about. I think he may be living with someone or even married to someone.

Don't limit yourself to just this guy. I think if you do, you will get more heartache. Good luck to you...
Barbara

I agree about his parents keeping him from spending the night with someone.....unless his Mom has that much control over him. And....if she does, whoa be unto his girlfriend regardless of age.

Well, I wouldn't move there till after I graduate from school in May and of course only if we're still into eachother a lot. He and I spoke a little while ago and I expressed some of my concerns. I mention these in my edited version of this post. He is concerned about the long distance thing definitely. He said he also needs to get used to the idea of "an us". He's a very sensitive guy and I think a bit fragile from what I'm finding out.
No, he is not married or living with anyone. I went by his house, I've heard his mother and brother in the background of our phone converations when he is home. I think he's afraid to go against his parents wishes, particularly his mother because he is an obedient son and she seems to be rather demanding.

We discussed the dating thing too. He said he is not dating anyone else and isn't interested and doesn't have any plans to meet anyone else. I told him that I really don't want to date anyone else either but I will go out with men as friends for now. We also discussed a timeline. I told him that we should revisit this in the spring, near graduation time but he felt that he would know before then.

He's also very concerned about disappointing me. If I moved there, he'd be very hurt and upset if he wasnt' the person I thought he was or had hoped for. I told him that's neither here nor there - time will tell. All relationships are a gamble. He's lived a rather sheltered life from what I can see and is "scared" about the unknown. We were all there once - some more than others. I just hope he has the fortitude to see this through.

ok here's my spin.

this is from HIS viewpoint.

it was really exciting and almost taboo to be involved with you, the initial honeymoon period, the idea of an older woman, the kinda going against a controlling set of parents by even entertaining the idea of being with you, all make for much excitement i would think in a young man.
the visit was prolly a little scary for him but exciting and fun at the same time. probably the idea of his mom finding out made it a little more scary AND exciting for him. and to tell ya the truth he might not of expected that you'd ACTUALLY come, ya know?
but now, you're home, the excitement initiated by the begining of your relationship is wearing off. he cares for you, he thinks of you but he isn't ready or willing to commit to you. he kinda sees that but might not want to put it in such blatant words because of how it would hurt you.
my opinion? this is going nowhere fast girl and you need to chalk it up to experience. a good exp. , a learning exp. , something that is going to positively contribute to your everchanging and growing personality.
many may disagree, but i'm gonna have to stick to my guns on this one and i'll also send you happy thoughts and a big fat BEAR HUG !!!
we've all been there. heck, many of us have prolly been him once or twice, ya know? soft heartbreakers. it happens.
and please stick around, let us know how you are, what's going on, what color your socks are, junk like that :D

Tracy

Thank you both Tracy and Sally for your replies.
I know it's an uphill battle and I should try and let it go and go about my life and accept whatever happens and chalk it up to another learning experience (damn, there are too many of those - LOL). It's just so hard to meet the right guy - it just feels so right with him and I'm still gonna have hope but I know I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.

aww gal, i know it's hard, i do.
but what feels "right" with one, may send your spirit flying with another. may move your soul with another. may be so much overwhelming emotion and "rightness" with another that you weep from the sheer JOY of it.
he's not all there is. you know it. he doesn't. lol
wish him well and go to the grocery store. buy a bottle of wine or a gallon of ice cream. or maybe some peas and make some cornbread.
we LOVE us some cornbread here !!!! lmao

call a girlfriend and go see a movie. do some stuff !!! he can't appreciate you. so instead, YOU appreciate you.

Tracy

particularly 3 times in a row when he said he'd call at night and he didn't It's just so hard to meet the right guy - it just feels so right with him Even after he doesn't call? It still feel right? I think you are letting your romantic side run away with you.

It is not hard to meet the right guy... it is a numbers game. I always had a problem KNOWING it was the wrong guy when I met him! I would give and give and do all the relationship work, thinking they would think that I am a good catch. You know what? That just comes across to them as needy not nice.

So don't call him. Don't talk about the future with him. Just be light and friendly. And get out and see some friends... go somewhere. We know it is hard but it will be a lot harder if you stay home and wait on him. You are worth more than that kind of treatment. Okay?

Ugh!!! I sent you a response and something happened to my computer and I lost it. Thank you though for your reply. I am too tired now to rewrite it.

Good night!

Hi Ms.Tealeaf,
Just take it SLOW...Let the relationship build.Rushing things,only leads to someone getting hurt....

Shadow is so right. Why are you in such a hurry? Perhaps this was just a "kick" for this guy, but on the other hand if he does care about you , I think your rushing him to move faster than he is prepared to.
The guy lives at home, either cant afford his own place or is afraid to leave the security of home possibly. Even bringing up the fact that you could move there, probably sends his mind reeling and brings up all sorts of things hes just not ready to deal with at this point. Things like telling his parents about you. I mean if at his age he cant stay out all night because his parents would be upset, how do you think it must be for him to think of telling them hes going with you, or moving in with you etc? As for the conversations slowing down, thats really not so much of an indicator there is a problem. My y/m and I have been together for over 2 years now and when we met, we talked just about 24/7 on the computer and phone for about 6 monthes, then things tapered off but mainly we had covered mostly everything by then except day to day stuff and some days there just wasnt much to talk about.
I think you worry too much., and your too impatient. LOL
Why dont you just listen to him when he says he is scared, or not sure he wouldnt let you down if you moved there etc. Maybe this is his way of saying I DO care, but your rushing me, and I am not ready for more yet. Instead your ignoring this and sort of trying to make things go the way you want in spite of his reluctance. I think you should just let things take their course for a while and see where things go. To me its just too early in the relationship to go through all this stressing. Simple fact is, if he doesnt want this relationship, he will be gone. If he does want it, you will know that too. Main thing is to decide if you can deal with someone who is not independent, and at his age , and in his position, is unable or unwilling to do anything their parents may not approve of..

I thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I agree that I need to be more patient and I will just go about my business and try not to worry too much. Easier said than done but I will try. I think one reason why I get impatient is because I worry that in a few years I won't be as attractive and therefore, won't be able to attract those that I'm interested in. Silly I know but it does cross my mind from time to time. And of course I have a lot more to offer than just what's on the outside; but I'm sure many women over 40 have this fear at some point. I am almost 43 - yikes!!!

Anyway, my ym will let me know one way or the other and I have no control over his decision.

I keep trying to post a photo but my photos are all way too large.

Ciao

Originally posted by tealeaf
I thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I agree that I need to be more patient and I will just go about my business and try not to worry too much. Easier said than done but I will try. I think one reason why I get impatient is because I worry that in a few years I won't be as attractive and therefore, won't be able to attract those that I'm interested in. Silly I know but it does cross my mind from time to time. And of course I have a lot more to offer than just what's on the outside; but I'm sure many women over 40 have this fear at some point. I am almost 43 - yikes!!!

Anyway, my ym will let me know one way or the other and I have no control over his decision.

I keep trying to post a photo but my photos are all way too large.

Ciao Do you have photoshop?? You can resize the pic there. It cant be larger than 100x100pixils If you need more help Dan_Shues has a post on this or post your problem in his section Computer Tricks and Tips.
I know just how you feel about getting to where your not attractive. etc,......but if it helps any , Im 20 years older than you are and have been in the best relationship of my life for over 2 years and he is half my age. (no I dont have money LOL) no I dont look like I did at 30 but we got to know each other very well before we ever even met, and even though we find each other attractive, I really think the main turn on is loving who the person is on the inside that makes them sexy on the outside. I was married to a very handsome man, which of course was the initial turn on, but that wore off and I was left with a liar, a cheat, a control freak, and believe me, to others he may have been handsome, but to me he became the most unattractive man I ever met LOL

but anyway....you have plenty of time before you worry about falling apart physically , and from your posts you seem to be a sensitive person, lots of insight into yourself, and you seek help and can admit when you need it, and wow you can even take advice with a smile that I am sure you would rather not hear sometimes.
Your right, you CAN'T MAKE this guys decisions for him BUT you can be much more intriguing to him by not appearing to be "desperate", or "too anxious". Be yourself, friendly and see where it goes. I think you said you only had lunch once, even though he expressed an interest. Give it time. You know, from what I know from my sons and other guys, when a womam is obviously available and too eager,and lets the guy know they are attracted without even getting to know them, they are the ones that the guy uses for a "quicky" when he wants sex, cause he knows she likes him and will be easy to get in bed. ...whenever he feels like it. If thats what you want, Im sure you can make something happen, but I dont think it is what your really looking for. Your a smart woman, and worth a lot more than that. LET IT SHOW :D
sorry for writing a book here, its late and Ill blame it on a lot of coffee hehehe

43? LOL . I 'd like to see 43 again! Just remember one thing....it isn't gonna get any better (lookswise) than it is at the very moment you are (unless you can afford plastic surgery). Hehe.:D I still worry that my man won't find me desirable in a few years. Wonder if we ever get over that? Anyway, good luck with your ym, and what Charo said is good advice.

Just read your post - thank you so much for the advice and thoughts.

Tami

Hi Charo,
Haven't been on in awhile.
Again, thank you for your thoughtful words.

I actually spent 4 days with him a month ago in Minnesota.
We had talked for 2 1/2 months before we met. He was the one pursuing me. Anyway, I'm just being friendly with him. Letting him tell me that he misses me and that he enjoyed being with me. Of course I respond that I miss him too and enjoyed his company as well. I've also been thinking about moving back to Chicago, my hometown and my daughter lives there. I told him that and he seemed please since it will be a lot closer to him.

Anyway, gotta go and do some reading.

Good night!

Tami

Thank you too!!!

I uploaded my photo but it's not appearing on the left margin. It's a link at the bottom of my responses.

Tami

I see your picture at the left and the link at the bottom of your post. So it is showing both places. Welcome by the way.

Originally posted by tealeaf
Hi Charo,
Haven't been on in awhile.
Again, thank you for your thoughtful words.

I actually spent 4 days with him a month ago in Minnesota.
We had talked for 2 1/2 months before we met. He was the one pursuing me. Anyway, I'm just being friendly with him. Letting him tell me that he misses me and that he enjoyed being with me. Of course I respond that I miss him too and enjoyed his company as well. I've also been thinking about moving back to Chicago, my hometown and my daughter lives there. I told him that and he seemed please since it will be a lot closer to him.

Anyway, gotta go and do some reading.

Good night!

Tami You go girl !!!! from this post it sounds like your handling things ok and "trying" to be patient hehehe. Keep it up. Im wishing you the best.:D

I'm also starting to think maybe i should let go - set myself free. Although I'm trying to be cool about it, sometimes I still get all upset and think that maybe I should let go, maybe start dating others. It's very frustrating wondering what someone is thinking, what the outcome will be, when they're the one in control of the situation and when you care about them so much. Especially when they're 1000 miles away. And like Nessa (?) said, if it's meant to be, it will happen.

I haven't heard from him now since Sunday night and it's now Tuesday night. I worry that maybe it's a slow fadeaway. Even though he said he wouldn't do that and told me last week that he misses me and really liked being with me, etc.

I have to let go of that kind of worry.

not every successful relationship starts out rosy. some great relationships start out strained and end up working thru the tough parts and come out lovely. i was the "strained" one in my relationship, i did want to go for this agegap thingy i found myself in.

today......me, married, happy, over my crap these days.

we can never see whats in another persons heart when we really dont know them very very well, this takes time, i am so glad i was not held to task for some of my early behavior. i was scared, i was so bloody worried about every flippin thing. i was ready to stand on my soap box and start "tellin it like it is" boy was i clueless.

give it time, give it space, you know yourself better than all of us here at ageless, do you run with romance usually, is this a possiblity of the real thing, or are you worried its hard to find a nice guy and he suits the bill? dont sell yourself short.

and for the record, if your 20 year old daughter came home with a 40-something boyfriend, would he not get the once-over? this is normal, also, our younger men need to learn to set boundries on what they will allow as acceptable interference from their families, sometimes they are just at a point of not knowing that yet. but time tells all, great relationships mature over time, they rarely just happen in the get-go, patience is key because as much as we can wish love into our lives, i truly believe that love has a time table all its own, possibly when we are able to really give love are we able to really find love.

Thank you Kittylane.
My thoughts keep flip-flopping from "be cool, give him space, just be friendly now" to "maybe i should just tell him that i have to let it go, take the pressure off myself" to "how come you haven't called me since Sunday? Are you trying to tell me something? Please be truthful, if you're not into it anymore, just tell me. etc".

Having patience right now is a tough thing.

But seriously, since I haven't heard from him since Sunday night, maybe I should call him to see if he's still alive. Kinda let him know that I don't know what is going on here w/o badgering him by saying "why haven't I heard from you?"

You are right, relationships can start on a rocky road. My ex-husband and I had a bit of a rocky start. And we ended up being married for 13 years.

It's just hard not hearing from my y/m the way that I used to. I would think that he would want to talk to me at least once a day. People can always find time for even a 2 minute "hello".

Just not sure what to think. But I am trying to be patient and give him space.

This is one reason why I'm so confused. Some of my friends think I need to say to him "what's up? what was this all about?" He went from being hot to very tepid. That I deserve an explanation. But then most you think I should sit back and not put any pressure on him. What is the best way to handle this???

Thank you.