Does he know?

I may be worried about nothing, but had to ask this to all you with YM. I haven't had the talk with my guy about my goals as far as marriage, etc. 9 year age difference he is younger, 21 years old. Doesn't he know since I am 30 that these are in my goals in the near future? Or is this a discussion I should have with him? I am afraid of scaring him away.

How long have you been together, red? At 21, marriage isn't about to be the biggest concern to him. Generally speaking, if the relationship is going well, and you already feel uncomfortable about bringing it up, then don't bring it up. Instincts usually prove to be valid! :D And at 30, you have at least 10 more years where you can have kids, so why worry now?

My bosses wife is several years older than him, and they had their first child when she was 41. :D Is that the big worry? I mean, the biological clock and whatnot?

~phosphorescent

I think if marriage, kids, etc. are a goal of yours you should at least bring it up in a casual way. Making assumptions about what he wants or expecting him to read your mind are both things you should avoid if you want an honest relationship.

You don't have to propose to him right then and there, but you need to find out what his goals are and see if they match yours. If he's scared off by the mere mention of the word "marriage" then maybe he's just not the right one for you. Isn't it better to find that out sooner rather than later?

I guess my "big worry" to be honest is me spending a lot of time working on this relationship, to only find out I was wasting my time. I love him to death, but I was in a 7 year relationship where marriage was spoken about from time to time but I believe he only brought it up to keep me satisfied for that moment in time, it wasn't something he ever truly intended. My YM has mentioned in a lighthearted comment how he would love to spend time with me for longer than weekends at a time, and he even offered to go apt. hunting with me when I was looking this summer for myself. I guess I am afraid of being with someone who will drag me around for 7 more years of my life. make sense? I dont know why I always feel rushed to settle down, I should be more just day to day, but I think I want it so badly that I focus on it so much. I am going to take your advice and not bring it up to him, because I am not comfortable at all yet. We've been together for 4 months.

I do remember another conversation we had too. He is away at school right now finishing his last year, and before he left, I mentioned to him that when he graduates he should live at home for 6 months get a job and then him and I get a place together, he shook his head no and said but I want that now.

Well... four months really isn't all that much. And you did say you don't know why you're always in a rush to settle down. So, think deeply on that one, Red. I know you're 30, but 30 is young. NOT old. :o I'm 32 and if someone told me I'm old, I'd slap them upside their beady lil head!

I've been with my YM 7 months, living together for 2, and known him for over 2 years now. The closest we've come to talking about 'marriage' is when his best friend mentioned wanting to ask his girlfriend of 3 weeks to marry him. I almost dragged the boy (he's 18) outside by his ear to slap him upside the head. She had JUST got through telling me about her former boyfriend who was the jealous type and would never let her do anything and constantly proposed! Scared her off, rightly so. I like my friends girlfriend and they make a good couple... but geez, they should wait until they've been together AT LEAST a year, and in his case, I told him to wait until they're done with college, for cryin out loud!

Don't race into marriage, red. Enjoy the relationship for what it is, let it progress at its natural rate. Marriage isn't the "end" or the "goal." It's a consumation of a decision to spend your life together... a decision that is much to early to be made at this point. It's all a part of the journey...

~phosphorescent

LOL @ your YM's friend. I know that feeling all too well. The falling in love part can get to my head sometimes. I wonder why I am so rushed for a marriage? You are completely right, enjoy the here and now, and the future will come together. I am young, you are right, but i guess i see my friends getting married lately and kinda want that. But, I want it the right way. I guess I just want to be able to spend gobs of time with my YM and feel like I'm getting ripped off with him away at school. Typically I would have dumped him in fear that he would end up hurting me, but this one has got me by the heart so badly that I can't be the dumper. I want to see where it will go, and I care for him deeply.

Originally posted by red
Typically I would have dumped him in fear that he would end up hurting me, but this one has got me by the heart so badly that I can't be the dumper.

You know... what's truly to fear here? Anything good in life comes through taking calculated risks of some sort. Facing adversity head on and winning... If we walk through life constantly afraid of getting hurt, we hurt ourselves by not growing or facing our fears. Then we live with regret.

I personally think it's better to regret something you have done, then to regret something you haven't done... (Butthole Surfers Quote there)...

My Mom and my YM's Mom both object to our relationship because they each say, "You're going to get hurt." OhhhKaaay, I say. On both counts. I've been hurt, in perfectly normal age gapless relationships. ANY relationship can hurt when it ends...

But just because I can conceive of an 'end,' is that reason to not have a 'beginning?' To wrap myself up in a warm coccoon of safety, never doing anything that might hurt me? I mean, FOOD can hurt me, AIR can hurt me, WATER can hurt me, the ground can hurt me if I don't tie my shoes right and trip, right?

Passive inactivity can hurt me. Over doing it can hurt me. I guess, it really IS all about moderation.

If you move forward at a pace you're happy with, without a specific goal (ie. marriage) in mind, you'll probably STILL end up having countless happy moments... even if an 'end' comes.

Eventually an end comes to all, in the form of mortality. Everything in between is our choice...

He's off at college. That, in itself, is wonderful! And you're probably happy for him, even though you miss him, right? But, you're also happy to be in a relationship with him.. a 'beginning'.. and like any good story, there's a beginning, a middle and an end.

Try to enjoy the beginning and let it enfold into a middle and don't worry so much about the end...

~phosphorescent

This may be a little off topic, but still relevant....

Although it seems like the YM in this situation isn't ready for marriage, I agree that 30 is pretty young and you still have to some time to wait, even if you want children.

What I disagree with is the fear of 'scaring him off'. A man who truly loves you won't be scared off by your plans for a future with him. If you want to protect yourself from hurt, the best way to know how he feels about things like marriage is to *ask* him. It might be a great relationship, but if your long term goals aren't the same, why bother investing time into it? At the very least, discussing your goals with him might give him some insight on how serious you are about the relationship.

I'm perplexed as to why so many people feel the need to judge others when it comes to marriage. We all get into conversations about age gaps and how it's not up to others to judge our relationships--why don't we have the same opinion on marriage?

I have no opinion on the age when people get married. I think that is a very personal choice and it's based on many factors that are usually non-evident to anyone except the person making the decision.

Not everyone subscribes to the "party 'til you drop, then settle down" mantra.

i suggest you print out the wonderful things you said on here red and read either all or some to him.

you've said some fantastic things that are self-explanatory in how you feel.

how bout sharing your insight into your own feelings with your ym?

cuz ya know....i didn't know anything until i learned it.

he won't know anything about how you feel until you tell him.

and if he runs scared? well, there ya go. you just leaned something too. i'd rather know than be stupid..

This is all great advice and discussion. To clear some things up, I have talked to him here and there, we have discussed future a bit, and I think maybe enough for a 4 month relationship. I think it got scary for me when I realized he was going back to school. It all hit me at once. "I'm in love, and he is leaving" I freaked out on him 2-3 times, and I think to myself if that didn't scare him away and all he wanted was to comfort me, well jesus there is my answer.

When I first met him I took everything light hearted, he first told me or hinted to me that he loved me after only a month. I was about to boot him out the door in fear that I would feel that way and he would leave and I would get hurt, yet again. See I think I'm a bit jaded and those walls come up faster than ever.

But, I spent about 2 days thinking it over. I figure I know what hurt feels like, I know what it does to me emotionally and physically and I know what I have to do to get through it. (Grasshopper cookies, j/k) But, then it dawned on me, I don't know what true love really feels like, if there is such a thing why couldn't it happen here with this guy? He is kind considerate loving and this really got me and made me laugh a bit. We were walking out of the movies one night and his phone rang, it was his voicemail. He said he had to get home to help his dad (this was a Saturday night!!) So I said okay call me when you are done. 10 mins later I called my friend Anna and she asked where are you? I thought you were seeing a movie? I said Oh yeah my date had to go home to do chores. LOL

The point is he is caring and takes care of the people around him, he mows his neighbors lawn every week because his neighbor had a stroke like 10 years ago. I just don't think I have ever seen kindness like this and that's what got me.

So my point is i know hurt, but not true love, its really a no brainer to take that risk. But, I do need to work on the communication. It's all based on communication now that he is gone.

Heres a question for you Ms. Hedgehog. I had a theory about why my guy seemed so sure and why I was basically ripping my hair out trying to figure out the "catch". Do you think that since he is so much younger he has not been hurt as badly as maybe women like us who have been through this? I guess what I am asking is maybe they haven't experienced that loss, or that scared to death of them leaving feeling? The men I dated before Dan all were unsure of everything and I think it was because maybe they had thought they were sure in the past but only to be surprised by the women they dated and got dumped which in turn jaded them to ever trust their feelings again? I think I question everything because I have thought i felt one way to find out it wasn't the right person to begin with. Self doubt and such. It is just that Dan is so sure and so happy, he calls me the love of his life, and does all these wonderful things for me and says these fantastic things to me, but I still have all this doubt.

A man who truly loves you won't be scared off by your plans for a future with him.
I totally agree with you there, Teena. Jeremy told me he loved me only a couple of weeks after we started going out. And he absolutely glows when I talk about doing things in the future and make plans that obviously include him.
is so sure and so happy, he calls me the love of his life, and does all these wonderful things for me and says these fantastic things to me, but I still have all this doubt.
I was the same way, red, and Jeremy sounds the same as Dan. He's only 23 but he has been in plenty of relationships and had 2 kids very young. I know he is a little jaded about women his own age and has been hurt, but I think he has an "old soul" and he is just so sure of himself about us that he just goes with his feelings. He asked me to marry him and we have only been together 7 weeks (of course, he had pursued me for almost a year)! (I told him "yes, if you're still around in 5 years!";))

Take a chance. Even if it doesn't last forever, it could be some of the happiest days of your life!

I think it's fine to initiate the conversation. Just be prepared that at 21 and 4 months in that he may not KNOW what he wants to see happen. Growing up is a process and he is both growing up in his life and in this relationship which is very new. Resolution of the issues is a process over time, not a one-time chat.

I'd totally be open about YOU and how you see YOUR life and goals and dreams - the ones that may include him and the ones that may not. He may tell you all kinds of wonderful things .... or he may not.

Either way, the conversation should be about him getting to know YOU better and not about what he is or is not going to do.