How can I trust him again?

Hi everyone. I've posted here a few times before. Just a quick background on my YM and I, he's 24 I'm 39. We've been dating pretty steadily for the past few months. I had posted a while back about him having a problem w/being exclusive. Although he hasn't come back to me saying that we are, all the evidence points to the fact that we are. We are always together and up to this point I haven't gotten any clue that he might be seeing anybody else. Although I had orginally wanted to hear it from him, I've decided that at this point, actions are more important to me right now (as they say, actions speak louder than words) and his actions have proved that he's w/me 100%.

UNTIL, I found out something about him this past Friday that just blew me away. Not having to do w/another woman, but with him as a person. It turns out that my dear YM had been taking/borrowing my new car (which I just got a month ago) without my knowledge. Somehow he got a hold of one of my extra car keys and has once taken it to work w/him and just last Friday, after he spent the earlier part of the nite at my house (he left at 10:30) took it again to go out. The way he got caught is that on Friday nite, after he went to like 3 diff. bars (which he later told me about), he went back to my house to drop it off. Little did he know that my oldest daughter was up at that time and happened to be looking out the window, and sure enough she saw him pull up adn park it exactly where I had left it. Of course when I confronted him he wouldn't admit it right away (my daughter wasn't in front of him). I let like 15 mins. go by and I then again insisted telling him that my daughter had no reason to make something like that up and that it would be worse if he kept denying it to me. At that point he confessed and told me how he had also taken if that Thursday to go to work.

I was in shock. I felt so betrayed. I felt like I really didn't know this person (who I trusted 100%) at all. I told him this and he got really emotional, started crying asking me to forgive him. I told him to go home, that I couldn't even look at him. He called me like 10 times that nite, but I wouldn't take his calls.

My problem is that I feel like I want to forgive him, but if I do, how can I really ever trust him again? It was so freaky seeing how he was so cool when I first confronted him and he was like "I don't know what your daughter is talking about". The easy way that he lied and didn't even batter a lash really freaked me out, because lying came so easily to him. He didn't even look nervous or anxious that he had just gotten caught.

So that's what I'm battling w/right now. My feelings for him and the feeling of betrayal. My daughter thinks I should never forgive him; she's really angry w/him. She knows how much trouble I've gone thru to get this new car and she knows that his DL has been suspended, and she knows that he drinks when he goes out so she says that he could've crashed my car and then what. Honestly, I don't think she'll ever be able to see him the same way, and I don't think I will either.

Obvisouly, he's been calling and has apologized over and over. He's acting really humble right now. My daughter says that if I forgive him so soon that he'll know that he can get away w/a lot more just by saying sweet words.

I don't know what to do. Any advice.

NO. NO. NO.


DO NOT FORGET about this, don't forgive it, do not go any further. This is a real sign of a complete scumbag, not to mention HOW IMMATURE! That's YOUR car, he has no LICENSE TO DRIVE (why may I ask, could it have had something to do with ALCOHOL?!) and he obviously doesn't give a crap if he wrecks it or what that would do to you! Kick this little a-hole out of your life, NOW, because he needs AA and treatment but he's headed down a path of dishonesty that you can't change. Only he can, and only if he wanted to. Don't let this slide, these are major red flags. And I'd bet my left leg that he's got a real serious drinking problem.

You cannot trust that guy. He cannot even be honest about lying--your daughter is right, get rid of him.

he pulls grand theft auto while drunk, and then you confront him on it and he tries to con you... god, what a bast*ard.

Just to put this in perspective a bit -

If you are in a relationship with him and he drives your car, then in effect, you are "allowing" him to drive it. If he gets in to an accident, who cares if he smashes up the car? That's just stuff. What if he hurts or kills someone? Then you're on the hook for negligent entrustment. You will be involved in a lawsuit, could have your assets compromised, etc. Not pretty. Maybe he doesn't know about these consequences. Nonetheless, I hardly think he, or anyone else, is worth it.

Do not take him back. Your daughter is totally 100% right.

It seems to me that you now have both a yellow flag and a red flag. How many more flags do you need?

Crying for forgiveness does not in any way indicate an attempt to address a serious character issue.

If you take him back, the probability that you will end up regretting it is so close to 100% that the difference isn't worth considering.

So his licence is suspended huh....well why couldn't he take his own car...if he even has one. A suspended licence is a suspended licence...no matter what car you are driving....so he has to pull you into this mess by taking your car!!! (read emmie's post again)

You daughter is 100% correct...she spotted a loser and I hope any feelings you have will be put aside while making this very important decision. Don't be blinded by love in this scenerio...it's not worth it. You know that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Well, same thing here...if he steals once...he'll do it again (and already has), if he lies once...he'll doing again - stone cold. And these aren't little whitle lies - these are huge lies! I would never forgive him.

If you decide to stay with him (which I strongly recommend that you don't) have you thought about what message you are sending to you daughter? Have you thought about how she will view you? I know I would lose respect for my mother - had she gone through this.

Also keep in mind that if he steals you car (and any way you view it...it's stealing...not borrowing) then it probably will escalate to other things....like money. You have a daughter in the house....if it was just you...then things might be a little different. But your daughter is growing up and and experiencing stuff that she shouldn't be. Keep your daughter in mind....she's your most valuable asset. Keep us posted!

~Evett

I moved this thread over here :) It was put up on the YW/OM side :)

She already posted a thread on this side, too, so I'm gonna close this one.


Here's a link to her current thread on this topic:

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=12807