I am moving OUT and Away from O/W

My o/w said she can't deal with things. That she can't accept what I do for a living (fashion photographer). She is an administrator for the fashion industry now and can't "handle" all the scene (recap: forums.. "Help she is going to find out", "Ow vs XX's", "Swarrow's Dramatic Life".

I told her she wasn't accepting me for who I am etc. etc.

She says if I lover her that I would change jobs.

I said that wasn't loving me: She flipped out and I tried to reassure her but she kept demanding that I quit my job.

pls..if you are going to flame me. Pls read my other threads.

I told her we needed some space to reevaluate our lives together. I threw all my "stuff" in a bunch of trash bags and left.

i stayed in a hotel. this morning I am writing "Ageless Love" who have been my support thus far.

I had a two month contract offer in L.A that I had sitting around and will be calling up and accepting. I live in N.Y.

I am kinda of numb right now. To tired and exhausted in everyway to even care anymore. Have any of you gotten to that point??

I leave on Saturday. But will be staying in my hotel room untill then. I feel like four + years just went down the drain.

Maybe things were not supposed to be, Maybe there is a better life somewhere else, Maybe we will be better off, Maybe I am not handling the situation right, Maybe she just need to accepting things.

I don't know

Peace
Swarrow

I've been following your story and I am so sorry. You seem like such a sweet and caring guy. Go to LA. Maybe during this time she will decide she was wrong. Who knows maybe you will have already moved on by that time. You are doing the right thing. There is a purpose for everything that happens.

I wish you Good Luck

Oh man, Jarod. I'm really sorry it came to this, but I agree that wasn't really fair. I can, also... sort of... see how it would be hard for your OW to handle the situation. But, but... you've been together HOW long? Four years? I'm sorry.

Go to LA. Maybe given some space and time, she will re-evaluate the situation and you guys can work things out when you come back. I'm sure that going to work in the fashion industry herself opened her eyes to some things she didn't really want to know ~ shocking, isn't it? ~ but that shock DOES wear off.

If you run into a hairdresser named Chris Healy out there, tell him he's BADLY missed in the DC/VA area. Still can't get a good do, and he's been in Hollyweird now for at LEAST eight years. :o

~phosphorescent

Swarrow, I'm so sorry that it has come to this. I agree with what Nessa said. And also to what Kelley said about understanding why she feels the way that she does. However, I think that it's really about trust and insecurities. She apparently has some insecurities for whatever reason and doesn't trust you enough to believe that you would never cheat on her. You have explained to her that you are committed to her and even suggested couples therapy together as a way for you both to work through this issue.

Her demanding that you change jobs without ever going through the counseling process is really unfair, IMO and really states just how insecure that she is. Seems that if you've been together for 4 years, and she was aware of the type of industry you were working all this time, that she would trust you more. Or, is there something missing to this equation as Sally alludes?

She asked once or twice what i did. Wanted to be supportive but didin't really want to know to much so it stayed that way.

I DIDN"T try to hide anything but from the get go.. she was awkward with the whole thing.

And after 4 years of "ignoring" the facts I guess she got a dose of it now as she just started working as an administrator in the industry.

I won't blame anyone. Except for fate.

I'll keep you posted.

thanks again ladies and gents

Jarod

Wow, I sure am sorry it worked out this way! I can understand both your positions. In her case, apparently ignorance was blissand she could be happy by just not really knowing too much about it. Now that she knows, her insecurities have got the better of her. It is really sad that she wouldn't go to couples counseling with you. That makes me feel that she really doesn't want to work things out. I have been at the numb point more times than I care to remember in my life. Good news is that it eventually goes away. I found that immersion in work is one of the best antidotes, and it sounds like you have a chance to do that in a new place. I really am sorry, the pain just sucks a lot! :(

I'm so sorry! :(

As soon as I hear the words, "If you love me, you would.....", I RUN. Classic emotional blackmail. Love should not be a weapon to be turned against us.

However, we all have the right to set our own limits for tolerance in a relationship, and it sounds like your profession was a non-negotiable item for her. She may re-evaluate her stance on that in the days to come, or maybe not.

Hope all goes well for you, Jarod!

Dude, go to L.A. and move on; there's lots of oppurtunities there! Sorry to hear about your break-up though.

I feel sorry about this too. Have been reading the posts and like some others here, I can see her side and yours too.
Sometimes two people just cant get past certain issues even when they love each other. She wont go for councelling, and I dont see that you changing professions would help or is even reasonable to ask. I think mistrust came into the picture here and there doesnt seem to be a way for either of you to get past it.
Go to LA, You may find happiness and a whole new life there or who knows, maybe the separation will cause the two of you to realize you dont want to lose each other and try to rebuild your relationship.
Either way, I wish you the best, and hope you will stay in touch. BIG HUGS

I'm wondering how many folks could really survive this type of relationship though, you know? I mean, men are extremely visual creatures, and it's like someone being on a diet and watching chocolate cake dance around in front of them every day!

On the other hand, maybe being a fashion photographer kind of jades you and numbs you?

I didn't get to read the past threads, sorry about that, but what sent up red flags for me, was Kelley's comment about the threesome with two beautiful women who were contacting the OP again, and he was somewhat interested.

You're either commited completely, or you're not. It's not a matter of being in love one day, and the next day wondering what's behind door number two. Real relationships don't work that way.

There's no right or wrong answer here, other than what YOU want. If you want to go to L.A., go to L.A. If you want to make things work, consider modifying your job. From what I understand, there are all kinds of photography positions, and all kinds of ways to tailor them to meet your needs and lifestyle. Unless you're completely in love with what you do, I don't see why you can't curb your job to just do certain types of photography. If you really, really have to keep doing what you're doing, then don't expect too many women to be crazy about it.

Really sorry to hear that things aren't working out, but I'm going to voice my agreement with everyone else and tell you to go to L.A. and don't look back.

If after all this time, your OW still doesn't trust you, then I'm afraid you'll be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life while she slowly suffocates on her own insecurity.

If she's demanding that you quit your career for her but she won't even go to counselling for you, then that's not even
approaching reasonable.

Keep in touch, okay?

When people love each other -- they work it out. Sometimes slowly, sometimes painfully, but they don't give ultimatums about something as important as careers. This isn't just a job for you...it's the career you have worked for and now are finally making it.

Yeah, you see pretty women all the time. As you said before it's no big deal. Gynocologists see pretty women and they are undressed, but it's your job -- not your hobby. If you were unprofessional you'd be unemployed.

I'm sorry things have turned out like this for you. If you take one thing away from this relationship make it the lesson that you have to be truthful from day one and that you absolutely MUST communicate clearly and constantly. You haven't wasted four years, you've learned a lot about yourself and about women. What you learned here will help you make your next relationship all you are hoping for.

Enjoy LA.

Peace,
Jane

Jarod, May I ask how old your child is??

Could it possibly be that she is feeling less than desirable to you having a child not that long ago..then having to deal with a new job,where you have just informed her that you have had intimate relations with not one but TWO extremely beautiful women,at the same time nonetheless! I definitely see where she could have some feelings of inadequecy at the moment.......

Did she definitely say she wouldn't go to counseling with you? I really don't see how you can just abandon your OW just because your having a bump in the road...you obviously haven't talked about this very long cause its only been a week or so since you told the woman for goodness sake!

Get on your Plane..go to LA...escape ;) thats a plan...

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

wow, so sorry to hear this bad news Jarod,

I've got to say that I agree with the others who said they find it strange that you've been partners for 4 years, and yet your partner only now discovered what you do, as well as other important details about your past.

Stu and I babble on for hours each night about every detail of our day, like most partners do.....what on earth did you talk about at night? I'm not trying to bag you in any way, but it does seem very strange for two people in a long term relationship to have such a gaping hole in their communication and level of intimacy.

It seems from the outside, Jarod, is that this relationship has gone on for a long time with much important information about you being withheld.

My only advice is that in future it may be better if you disclose these sorts of details to your prospective partners. As you can see from this board, there are some women who feel the way your partner does, but there are also plenty of other women who don't care about what you do for a profession. You need to find a lady in the latter category.

All the best Jarod!

Is she wanting to get married and you are not ready? If that has been an issue, plus the 2 women deal, maybe she sees your profession as something that will or IS getting in the way of having a commitment.

Excuse my question if it was already said but is the child yours? How old is it? Could she be suffering from depression? If you and your girlfriend have lived together for 4 years and have a child, please seek counseling before walking away. I believe that this is more than a insecure girlfriend problem.

You know what? I am disappointed now at most of the replies my ageless friends left now that I went back and read your threads. This woman just had YOUR BABY and you moved out. If you two cared enough to bring a child into this world then get the two of you to a therapist pronto!

Unless you are desperate for the money, do not go away for 2 months. You need to get this back on track. I find it strange that you went from doing "princess for life" to moving out.

Have you heard from the 2 ex's? I pray that is not why you are sabotaging your relationship and your family (yes... family... you have a little girl).

That's what I get for skimming threads.

Yeah, if there's a kid involved that's a whole other ballgame.

I'd really try counselling first before you call it quits. Maybe L.A. isn't such a great idea right now, Jarod. You seem to have helped create a family, and abandoning them is not a good thing.

I know it's hard and probably seems impossible, but turn around and try your damndest to work things out. There's a kid involved who deserves better than an absentee father and a permanently depressed mother. :(

I agree about the sabotage possibility.

I mean, why choose this moment...when the lady is most likely out of shape (due to the childbirth), and adjusting to her body and being mother......to drop the news that she works with her partners bi-sexual fantasy lovers and he also happens to work very intimately with other attractive women who he sometimes has been invovled with?

Why, after four years, choose this moment, when she is her most vulnerable?. Surely her emotioal reaction would not come as a surprise if you've been together for four years .

This is really sounding like classic sabotge to me too.

My thoughts.....
There is something strange here, and his OW is on to it!
If I were her I would go away for a while to sort my thoughts.
I know he is asking for advice, but I am just saying what I would do if I was her.
I have read the threads too, and he seems quite proud of his threesome incidents, he more or less brags about it :rolleyes: I bet his OW feels the same, how could you compete with that without absolute trust, It would SUCK to be her and go to work in that Kind of environment and find out your lover, the father of your child boinKed your colleagues.
Do not run, worK it out!!!!!
my 2 cents
~T






Edited for spelling

Thanks SP, Bella and Scarlet... I was beginning to think that I was on another planet. ;)

Well, I missed that Jarod has a baby, too. Found mention of it in a thread of his in Sexually Speaking. Although I do hope that he and his g/f will remain together and go through counselling together, I still wouldn't change what I wrote in my first post to him on this thread.

I still feel that his g/f does not have the right to ask him to change his career. That's going a bit far, isn't it? I mean, of course it would bother me if I were working with Remi's past lovers. But, why isn't the past the past? Why does it have to carry over into their present day relationship? If we have been given all the information about their relationship, then it seems to me that she still has some serious trust and self-esteem issues that she should work on.

And he did say that he did mention counseling but she did not want to go, so where does that leave him. It leaves him making all the sacrifices and feeding into this OW's insecurities. although he does mention his satisfaction with the threesome, he does not care to do it again if it makes his OW uncomfortable and has also stated he would not continue a friendship with them.

Jarrod, your past is your past...if you don't wish to disclose it, you have every right not to, that is your choice and the woman who has issues with it can go jump in a lake. You would have to be dumb and stupid to think no one comes without a sexual past or any past for that matter. How that other person deals with it is her choice. If she can't handle it, then you both have to make some kind of decisions as to how to either handle it together or go your separate ways.

You should not have to sacrifrice the person you are for anyone, you either get accepted for who you are right now or find someone who is less jaded and can accept you. Obviously, she doesn't trust you, but its not because of what you did, but maybe, its something connected to her.

You will see beautiful women of all races and creeds all your life, in all walks of life...whether that beauty is from within/without/natural/comestically altered makes no difference...beauty is beauty and its different for each of us. Would she like you to poke your eyes out next? do what is right for you and this OW, whether is to stay and work this out...or go to LA. but the choice can only be yours. Good luck.

Paris

4 years and a BABY is worth working on a relationship for... and effort is longer than several weeks or months.

I recommend you work on this. I know for 100% certain that there is no "career" I would not sacrifice for my kids.

We all have our priorities. I gotta say... I feel really badly for this poor woman. She has recently had a child with her man of 4 years. He leaves because she wants him to reconsider his career choice. A choice that is tempting in about 1000 different ways and he admits to being tempted. So he leaves because he wants to pursue yet more opportunities... wow...

If I were her, sitting at home, looking at my new baby daughter... I'd be awfully sad and scared. I'd wonder how the heck I coulda had a baby with someone who valued her so little that they walked right on out the door.

Alright... I do recall having seen the thread about the baby, but it did not register in my brain...

However, I also still stand by my first post. The way I see it is she has a problem with the fashion industry now that she's working in it. She should quit HER job, and let him be in his. That way she doesn't have to face his past everyday, in terms of seeing those women. Sure, they exist... but her request is utterly unreasonable.

Maybe there is a biological/chemical basis for her emotional instability here... which he does need to consider. However, that still doesn't give her a right to manipulate through guilt or give ultimatums. And doing so with the intent to 'settle down' is only going to cause more rifts and issues between them ~ resentments and the like ~ and set a precedent which allows her to believe she can control him by using that behavior in other circumstances. Would you like to see their daughter raised to repeat those behaviors?

If I were him, I would probably go to LA for the two months, give her time to seek counseling on her own and me on my own out in LA ~ continue to communicate and try to work things out... FOR the sake of their love for each other (Jarrod, we know you love her, so for crying out loud, don't GIVE UP) AND their child together. (Oh, and Jarrod, we'll find you and whip you upside the head if we hear you've abandoned your BABY!)

But, that would be, a LOT in response to being given an ultimatum. I never, ever do well with ultimatums...

~phosphorescent

Originally posted by kimmy
I don't know all the details -- I saw baby, threesome, working in glamorous industry, meeting again with threesome women, being with this woman for 4 years.

Hmmm . . . my 2 cents -- when one has a baby, it does change not only one's personal chemistry, ie. I feel a sort of protective/settling down mode sets in where you want a secure nest/environment for the baby, and there's the desire for the baby's daddy to settle into that nest too.

If daddy is playing with fire -- ie, the threesome babes -- that is unsettling for the nestee.

There are lots of potential hotties to play with -- and always will be in the industry you're in. But as anyone who knows who has been in a glam industry -- as I have (rock music)-- those sort of relationships almost always end in unfulfilling emptiness.

On the other hand, true love beteen two people is rare. I say don't leave her and your child. Stay there and work it out. Running away never solved anything.

I feel your hurt. I've been there. Best wishes to you swarrow.:)

Kimmy, you need to go back and read his past threads. The threesome was a past relationship before he met his current g/f. And based on what he has told us, he has been trying to get her to talk to him and go to counseling.

I am sure he has encouraged her to talk to him and seek counseling. However, as the mother of 4, I can speak from my own experience that having a baby does not help you think the most clearly ;). This is a time when a woman needs extra and beyond support and help. The measure of a person is grace and ethics during the most trying times of our lives...

One more thought here for you mr. swarrow... why not go home and attend her next follow-up ob/gyn appt with her? My experience is that this one provider is more attuned to your partner's needs during this time more so than any other during any other time of her life. This provider will ask about her physiological and emotional states at this time. It is a perfect time for you to provide any of your concerns. Listen... prozac is not an uncommon script for a woman post-partum.

/edited because I thought this was a baby... not a four year old child... I stand by all my posts... but nevermind on the post-partum stuff ;)

Originally posted by kimmy
Yes, I know it was in the past. But thought I saw someone else on this thread mention he was interested in starting up a friendship again with those girls.

I can't keep up with every detail of everyone's lives on here. Nor frankly, do I want to. My bottom would get numb. I guess I should shut-up unless I know all the details.

But based on what I have gathered (albeit, not perfectly gathered) I fully stand by what I've said.:)

Although, it would be nice to hear her side of the story now, wouldn't it?

He didn't say that he was interested in starting a friendship with the two women. At least I don't remember that part, if he did. My understanding was that they were pursuing him and he seemed to be trying to avoid having contact with them.

i've kept my mouth shut on swarrow's "dilema" because ....well, quite frankly.....i've read ALL of it and i just feel like i'd say exactly what i said with my first post.

Originally posted by whiterose
He didn't say that he was interested in starting a friendship with the two women. At least I don't remember that part, if he did. My understanding was that they were pursuing him and he seemed to be trying to avoid having contact with them.


i understood him to indicate that they were interested in starting up a friendship and he ONLY tried to make sure they knew he was with his new lady.
i seem to recall he was in favor of all 4 of them being friends and wondered WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK
rofl,

yet another reason i've kept my mouth shut.

imma go back to doing that now :D

Thatgirl stated, In fact, I get the feeling now that I know more detail, that you may be one of those individuals who kind of sneaks things in during a conversation to kind of mold it to get the outcome you desire. Quite frankly, I find it manipulative. See, I got the same uneasy feeling.

I mean, he was going to say that Is she adequate YES. DO I miss having 3 somes YES. Should I be honest about that point....(I think I will but reassure her that she is adequate) If this type of "assurance" comes across to her, then there is no wonder she is still insecure.

I have two questions... one.... did ANY of the 3-way happen while you were dating your girlfriend? And second.... how did the "girls" get your cell phone number (if that in fact happened)?

Also, I think putting your girlfriend on the spot when you said Hey I gotta run but my girlfriend has all my information if you need it and I'll see you latter. was very very rude and inconsiderate to your girlfriend.

Now I am not siding with your girlfriend. Obviously you should not have to change careers unless you have been unfaithful with some model/s the past 4 years. She may be clinically depressed. If that is the case, be a man and stand by her. Get her the help she needs. Even if you have to go alone to the counselor and then ask her to come to the next one... do it.

Every relationship has rough spots. You seemed like you were really in love with her. Good partners are hard to come by. You have been blessed with a baby and a (up to now) loving woman. Don't throw that away.
PS... since you have left her, by any chance have you contacted either of your x's? Just curious.

I retract my previous comments. I was not aware there was a child involved either, or I certainly wouldnt have been telling Swallow to take off to sunny LA and find a new life.
I agree completely with Thatgirl after reading back over everything thats been said , and furthermore Im also curious as to why your child hasnt come up in your posts as a concern to you in your thoughts about moving to LA. No word about it being hard to leave her, or anything. Gee Swallow, I think I see some reasons here why your o/w has some doubts and insecurities with you. Doesnt seem like the commitment of Marriage is in any of your plans either.
Im beginning to feel your lack of commitment could be more of a problem in your relationship than your o/w 's fears.
I cant say I agree anyone should insist someone quit their job to prove their sencerity, but in your case, with a few ex lovers running around and calling you and you thinking it would be just peachy for you all to be friends, well Im afraid that might be my last straw too and if you have this job you can get in LA Im sure you could find another one there too. Your o/w isnt asking you to quit being a photographer I think, seems more like she is saying she cant be around or have you be around a couple models you had sex with before. Dont think I could either
I really hope you take the advice given here and quit looking for the path of least resistance by running from all the issues you and you o/w need to work out, and the responsibility and commitment of being a parent.

People....Where did he say the child was 4??? Im thinking the child is still an infant due to this post of his...

Has he ever taken a sip from the nip?
Hey guys and ladies just a subject I was wondering about since It just happened the other night.

My ow and I were playin around after putting our baby girl to bed.

So I am all about her breasts so naturally I start sucking on her nipples. Of course since she is lactating... I take a few minutes to quench my thirst during the whole thing.

And as far as the whole counseling scenerio that everyone thinks she said no to this is what he posted about that....

We will be definitely considering bringing these issues to a professional counselor who will without a doubt in my mind reiterate everything that has been said thus far in this forum. I will challenge her on her ability to love me for who and what i do. It may be a difficult thing but who said that love wasn't difficult. In the END she will have to choose to take a chance with love or run from it for fear of a broken heart.


Please take note of the word considering not that He HAS did it yet....though he may have and not told any of us....

Ok ladies Pls know that:

1) I am not running from anything.
2) Everything that I have written here has transpired OVER TIME.
3) My o/W have a very deep and emotional relationship from which great emotions can boil when things get rocky.
4) We need some space right now.
5) I will be coming back on some days to visit as necessary.

I have a 1 year old child. I have been with my o/W for more than 4 years. She just stared working as an ADMINISTRATOR for a fashion design company. I DO not work for the same company that my XX's and my O/W work. I Am not pursuing a friendship with my XX's.

Sorry that I didn't make things as CLear as you ladies would have liked. No OFFense taken. Every discussion has two sides.

We will be pursueing counseling after things cool off.
Ladies.. She is Terrified of losing Me. I am worried that her insecurities will tear us apart. I am NOT finished with this relationship AS long as there is hope.

However, I am unwilling to give up my present job as her ultimatum dictates to help with her insecurities (as she put it during our discussion about my career)

My feeling is that it MAY help SOME insecurities BUT iT WONT take care of them or make them GO away.

Just to clarify about my 3some experience. I don't OBsess about the pleasures experienced. I said I miss them. I AM NOT LONGING FOR THOSE pleasures. I would NEVER trade what I have now for THAT!

Anyways I am going back to my hotel room now. Cause today was just pre planning and scheduling for LA>

Later.

Peace
Jarod Swarrow

Every body is tempted. NO body can say what is going to happen for sure.

OMG construction workers cheat
Police officers cheat.
members of the government cheat

Y are some of u ladies r saying that my O/W has MORE reason to be concerned because of ALL the "available" "hot" women.

First of all Know this:
AFter years of working in the industry don't u think I am "used" to "hot" women and don't sit there and salivate. I in my previouse post made it clear that my success in the industry is related to my ability to NOT objectify women on the set OR oFF the set.

so why does my o/w have MORE reason to believe that I will cheat than any other man. in any other occupation.

Further more I reassured my o/w that I just need space and am not "Leaving" for sure. The "space" part was mutual agreement. I didn't "tear" myself from the situation.

nuff said

jarod

Is it your plan to hold on to your relationship and your insecure woman by leaving?

So I think it was u kimmy..that suggested that she come here and post.

DO U THINK? it would be wise for her to come here and read ALL that has been discussed SO far on HER and I.??????

Imagine how she would feel after reading SOME of your posts. EVEN if they MIGHT be true.

OMg I DON"T think that would be wise.

I just think SPACE is a GOod think right now.

so does she..

I guess so... you know your woman and your relationship better than anyone else.

However, if I were truly insecure... I suppose I would hear space and feel even more insecure.

Frankly I agree that her reading all this would be heartbreaking for her.

However, if she came here and posted "my b/f left saying he needed space and we have this new baby and he has this glamorous job and has had this really exciting past sexual history and girls chasing him... what do you guys think... is it over", I don't think its a stretch of the imagination that she'd receive a ton of posts telling her to move on with her life... its over.

If you really love her and want your family, then imagining what someone who is scared of losing you, must be feeling as you get space, can't be too hard. Just something for you to think about as you make your plans for space...

And in a way, rightfully so...

(I didn't slam you... :p)

Anyway, sometimes space IS a good and necessary thing. And I also agree that being a photographer DOES NOT have a higher risk for cheating. I'm honestly inclined to think otherwise ~ AS a photographer. So many people in that industry are so unbelievably despicable that when you come home to a "real" person who you love and loves you, you have more appreciation for that. Just my thoughts, tho...

And my brothers, too. He's a set designer/carpenter in Hollyweird. Told me one day that working on the Cinemax soft porn sets that he couldn't help but want to, literally, vomit his lunch when the women came in. He said there was more plastic there than woman and YUCK. Going home to his southern bell, simple teacher wife was a Godsend for him and he appreciated her MORE as a result of being around such incredibly FAKE people.

I also don't think he's deliberately misled anyone or miscommunicated. I simply forgot about the baby part, and I think... hey, Jarrod... give it some time and space and work on working thing out.

He's come here, shared and bared his experiences and his feelings to all of us. Shall we be a little more sensitive, please? I really don't think any of us mean to make him feel like he's a bad guy!

~phosphorescent

Jarod, I understand where you're coming from on all this and I completely agree that one partner should never dictate to another their career choice. I do feel like she has some insecurities that she needs to work on and that it is a team effort for both of you.

But, based on what you've told us, it does sound to me like you and your OW are making decisions about your "next steps" together, which is exactly how it should be. Sounds to me like you and she are talking about things and that's the absolutely best thing you can do. I do hope that she begins working on her insecurities and that you two will be able to attend counseling together.

I take it that your assignment in LA is a temporary assignment, right? If so, how long will you be there? I couldn't recall if you had said how long it would be.

I want to add that I don't blame Jarod for becoming defensive. I think that once we realized that there is a baby involved in this relationship, we all went into protective mode. But, I think that Jarod has demonstrated a deep commitment to wanting to make this relationship work. We all need to remember that it's difficult some times to understand the full picture of what's going on. We should ask questions to understand more fully before we offer our opinions. I should know... because I'm guilty of it too.







And Sally, you can stop using that word "hence" now. :p

RUN to L.A.!!!!! Life is too short to be judged, especially by someone you love. You should never have to compromise your own job to prove your love or loyalty. In the future I would be more descret about my past sex life. As long as you are healthy and have been checked out there is no reason to disclose your past in that manner, it only causes suspision and doubt. Especially if you are a changed person because of the one you just met.

By the way, did I just read something about a three some? I need old posts, anyone got a link?

P.S. sorry for all the typos

Sally, do you really have a book, or is this a book you recommed? Where is the "redhead like me" book? Maybe I need to start writing.

Sally noted:Hell hath no fury like a PACK of women scorned!LOL! I did not see any fury to speak of. No name calling or things like we have seen when an adulterer swings by. :D

I really don't want him to get so many of HIS buttons pushed that he losses his woman and baby. Jared, you never answered the marriage question or if you were still seeing the 2 women at the beginning of your relationship with your girlfriend. I am saying that this might be why she is overly insecure.

I still believe going away for 2 months to the other side of the coast with things like they are will not help this relationship. Jared, does she not want you to go to LA? Is this why she wants you to quit your job? I am not saying that you deliberately leave things out, but, we are all human, and we show our best side to the light.

I also do not see much in the relationship thread that we said that would upset her. There is much that is written that supports their relationship. The lady does need help. Does she have any close friends? Anyway, I wish you and your family all the best.

Originally posted by swarrow1
So I think it was u kimmy..that suggested that she come here and post.

DO U THINK? it would be wise for her to come here and read ALL that has been discussed SO far on HER and I.??????

Imagine how she would feel after reading SOME of your posts. EVEN if they MIGHT be true.

OMg I DON"T think that would be wise. Might not be wise for you but it sure would help her to know just how truthful you have been As for how she would feel, well I dont think it would be OUR posts that would bother her, but yours that your more concerned about her seeing. It would be great if she did come here and shed some light on things from her side., but I am pretty sure you wont let that happen. Which causes me to wonder if you would ever wind up going to councelling . They would be hearing both sides there, Did you ever suggest you BOTH come here and each express where your coming from, and get some opinions or suggestions that might help the two of you? Anyway Sparrow you said................so why does my o/w have MORE reason to believe that I will cheat than any other man. in any other occupation. uhhhhhhhh I would say maybe the phone calls from women and your idea you could all be friends would be a start, I just am getting a lot of mixed messages from reading your posts, so if Im getting the wrong impression Im sorry Sparrow, but saying you need SPACE and you wont be gone "for sure" and youll come back "as needed" doesnt sound like a person who is trying too hard, to me.

Thank you for the clarification on your daughter's age.

Good. She's only 1.

That means there is time to improve your communication skills and conflict resolution skills so that the two of you will make great role models for her.

Peace,
thatgirl

To answer some detail questions, I was not invovled w/ my xx's when I got invovled w/ my o/w

And to u bear'sangle

"So Swarrow you have an infant, or at least a small child with this woman? I find it sad and very telling that there was never a mention of this child while you were asking for support her. I guess the baby doesn't mean much to you."

"I guess I'd still advise you to go to LA, because you're not up to your responsibilites when you are with them."

I Haven't made mention to All dynamics simply because I come acroww narrow minded when I am Primarily concerned about FIxing the ROOT of the problem. My mistake for not making things clearer. However I DON"T see how I am running from my responsibilies when BOTH parties agreed that it was in the best interest of "us" and "all" that we have "space" for some time.

i'll catch up with u all when I get back

"However I DON"T see how I am running from my responsibilies when BOTH parties agreed that it was in the best interest of "us" and "all" that we have "space" for some time."

Perhaps she reluctantly agreed. She may have said something like "Well, even if I don't think it's a good idea, maybe if it's something you want to do it would be for the best..." or any combination of words. Who knows?

If you listen or look at nothing else, please watch yourself for omissions of truth when you get into a relationship. Women pick up on that stuff and it rarely goes over well.

Good luck to you.

Peace,
thatgirl

Having fjorded through all this, I guess my only thought is that I'm a little confused that after four years and a baby that Swarrow's girlfriend is just now appalled by what he does for a living and appalled by the nature of his past sexual life. Isn't part of getting to know people and deciding that you want to be with them and have babies with them getting a sense of who they are and were and want to be in the future?

I don't think Swarrow is guilty of anything but wanting to be loved for his whole self, unless it is maybe epically poor communication about who he is and what his life is and was like. And I don't know if his girlfriend was somewhat misled or if she just closed her eyes to the parts she didn't want to accept. But it seems this little gap in information is now more or less blowing them apart.

Love does have a big quotient of acceptance. We don't have to adore every aspect of our partner's personality and history, but we have to take them as a package that is fundamentally more good than bad. If the guys a high-fashion photographer, then he is, with all the good and bad aspects to doing that kind of work. You can't really have HIM unless you're willing to take all of that on. Sure it might not last forever, but it will end when he's ready to change careers and not before.

I realize she's "waking up" to things she didn't know before or didn't want to know, but they have been true for four years and a baby - even if she was unaware.

It sounds to me that instead of trying to work with her feelings, which she is entitled to have and to express - she is trying to work on the circumstances, which are the same as they've always been.

What's changed is her feelings about them and she needs to work through them and see if she can get back to a place where she can accept the partner that she chose in the first place.

And Swarrow, space is good, but what is needed here is to help her figure out what you could do to make her feel better about the person you are and the career that you have.

Originally posted by Trish
Excellently said, DS!

Isn't it ironic.....four years and one child later, he's still basically the same person. The only thing that's changed is her knowledge of his past. But through the past four years, he's been a faithful, devoted partner (as far as we know). How sad to throw away the past four years, and destroy a relationship (especially when a child is involved who needs a mother AND a father in a healthy relationship), just because of fear of something that MIGHT happen.


Amen:)

I wish ow would stop looking for monsters under the bed.

Paris

Originally posted by swarrow1
To answer some detail questions, I was not invovled w/ my xx's when I got invovled w/ my o/w

And to u bear'sangle

"So Swarrow you have an infant, or at least a small child with this woman? I find it sad and very telling that there was never a mention of this child while you were asking for support her. I guess the baby doesn't mean much to you."

"I guess I'd still advise you to go to LA, because you're not up to your responsibilites when you are with them."

I Haven't made mention to All dynamics simply because I come acroww narrow minded when I am Primarily concerned about FIxing the ROOT of the problem. My mistake for not making things clearer. However I DON"T see how I am running from my responsibilies when BOTH parties agreed that it was in the best interest of "us" and "all" that we have "space" for some time.

i'll catch up with u all when I get back

The only thing that really raised flags with me was your first post that was titled "Help, she is about to find out!" Knowing that your OW was going to be working at the same place as two women that you had a threesome with and not telling her as soon as she got the job was a mistake in my mind. Of course she isn't going to want to be "friends" with the women that you slept with. Who in their right mind would? Leaving her to be questioned by these two women about your relationship was in very poor taste. What you should of done was speak to these women in private and ask them to have some discretion. I, in no way am saying that you were wrong in having had a threesome with these women but you really should of told her long before you did and asked these women to stay at arms length from her and you. As soon as these women started pursuing a relationship with you, in whatever form, you should of stopped it.

I would imagine that this might be some of the reason why she has asked you to change jobs, knowing that this happened once before. You have A LOT of work to do to ensure her that she is the one that you want and that working in that industry will in no way jeopardize your relationship. You describing her on this board as "adequate" tells me a lot. Not many people use the word "adequate" to describe sex with someone that they are in love with. Now, I am not saying that you have said this to her but maybe you have reassured her in a less than enamoring way?

I know that you have not laid out your whole relationship out here for us to see so there must be other things that are going on that helped you make this decision. I highly doubt that you are a man that would take your child's welfare so lightly.

Sometimes people on here speculate as to what they think might be going on in a relationship or how one or the other partner might be feeling without having any information to support their theories. It's something that you have to accept when asking for advice. People draw from their own experiences and what they feel is common sense.

My advice to you would be to maybe step away, have some time apart and then sit down and talk to her about your relationship and future. There are going to have to be some compromising done by her, you or the both of you. If you need the help of a impartial party (counselor) to help you figure out everything I encourage you to do that.